nomoreblues's blog

today was the first time in MONTHS that i had to REALLY focus and NOT text that to him…

its been over 2 and 1/2 YEARS that we have not been together and i wanted to reach out to him today so bad it actually hurt. like a physical actual pain.

i was baking. i needed more of one ingredient. i went to the store less than one mile from my house. i get what i need. its a small store and there is only 2 registers. i always go to the one on the right because it is the one that is usually open. today i go to stand in the line then looked up. not the customer in front of me but the one being cashed out. was j.

we both saw each other what looked to be at the same time.

ouch

i without stopping moved to the line to the left. i knew he was right behind me in the next register when i was checking out. i saw him leave. he was not 5 feet away from me.

i finished paying and left. as i was walking out i didn’t see wife’s jeep. then i realized he must be driving whatever car he has.

it was like it was in slow motion but like it was a dream because it seemed surreal.

he drove right by me as i was walking out. he looked over. i looked over and realized shit i didn’t want to know what he drives.

then i was thinking he looked sad too.

i sat in my car for a minute. i really hate when i see him and i don’t expect it. especially when he’s alone. we run into each other so much. well at least it seems it. the 4 1/2 years we were together it seemed to take a lot of planning and work to cross paths. now we seem to run into one another like once a freakin month!

i wanted to text him so bad. i knew he wouldn’t be home for a few minutes. i just wanted to say something about how we seem to bump into each other a lot lately. i really did. i knew i couldn’t. and i didn’t. what if i had texted him and he didn’t reply. or worse if his wife found it and went psycho on me. i knew i couldn’t but wanted to connect with him so badly it really did hurt.

{tearing as i type with husb in next room. fuck.}

i wonder if j looked sad because he hurts when he sees me too?

or was he just having a bad day?

does he wish he could say hi but know he can’t… i don’t dare say hi to him and i wonder if he’s saying the same thing. i can’t say hi to her..lol

im sure the feeling will pass. it always does.

it just made me realize how much i miss him in my life.

again.