Suicide Pt. 2
“Life will get better” This is the trope offered to someone in the grips of suicidal ideation. Pain is ephemeral, temporally constrained. You may think now is bad, but the […]
Contradiction
“I’m 27 years old, never had a girlfriend. I feel suicidal.” “Love will find you when you’re not looking for it,” she replies. “I spend my time indoors… wanking – […]
Labour
Step 1: Desire a partner Step 2: Do nothing Step 3: ??? Step 4: Profit i.e. – receive a partner This is the absurdly optimistic algorithm of romance created by […]
Tribalism
Imagine the following scenario: You have arranged to go for a bike ride with a woman from an online dating site. The date was organised on the back of a […]
Methodology
Indiscriminately swipe right. This is how a prudent person would approach Tinder. Of all the women in your designated catchment area, only a few will find you tolerably attractive. Even […]
Age
“You can’t date him; he’s young enough to be your son!” “Mate, she’s like twice your age – you’re such an OAPaedo.” The above quotes reflect society’s age norms when […]
Beauty
“I see the girls walk by; dressed in their summer clothes, I have to turn my head until my darkness goes.” It’s autumn and she’s seated on a train, but […]
Money
“Why do you want this job?” “I need a girlfriend.” I’m at a crucial juncture in my life. I’ve just completed a Masters degree in a useless subject and now […]
Therapy
“I’m not going to teach you how to pick up women,” she mutters in a dour Scottish accent. I can feel her eyes judging me, but I gather that’s why […]
Equality
“Getting a tactical nuke on Call of Duty is the best feeling in life. Much better than having sex. Probably.” The above joke is predicated on the popular stereotype of […]
Confessions of a neurotic dater 