update
when changes comes they change everything. Strange isn't it? Just a few weeks ago I was utterly miserable. Then this girl I have kinda known for 3 years pops back in my life and changes everything. After 4 weeks of talking every available waking moment it feels like I have finally come home. It feels safe and it feels wonderful. She surprises me, she takes care of me and best of all - she loves me. In two weeks we will finally meet face to face and I can't wait :)
changes
And then - just like that - things changes for the better. After a year of misery and heartache and bitterness I am again happy. Strange isn't it - how things can just turn when you are not looking.
She is coming here to see me for Valentines day and we will take it from there. But oh my am I excited!!
Frustration excerpt
I miss writing - writing the troubles away, getting the intense thoughts that consumes my mind out of my head and onto paper. I want to scream, I have an ocean of tears unshed. Frustration. Grief. The ego is pushing me, pulling me in, twisting my mind into chaos. I want out I want peace - finally peace. I want to trash the room around me - I feel like smashing china or maybe my head into the wall. A hurricane of thoughts and feelings. Not fair. Not fair. What did I do to get here? Loneliness. Agonizing loneliness. Mind shattering loneliness. Tears again - tears with no owner. Nothing seems to go my way. Fucking frustration again - how can I make it turn? Hurricane shuffles thoughts around and around, never peace, never sleep, always churning. What is wrong with me - how did I get here? I was centered, I was zen. No more. I scream inside - the noise gives a welcome break from the hurricane thoughts. Disappointment - do I have too high expectations to people?
And on the outside I seem serene and calm. I am a good actor. At times. Now I am just hiding. Biding my time. Is it safe to come out yet? I try. The world screams NOOOOOO! and scares me back in my shell. Building walls - it is time to rebuild my walls. How long will it take? Don't know. I am hiding. Building. Screaming. hurting. Licking my wounds. Again. One more layer of wall. One more. The last wall was not strong enough. One more. Always one more. Every hour every day. Add more. Build safe. Build strong. Hide. Hide. Not safe. Inside the invisible walls I slowly vanish. Erase myself. When I am gone - no one can hurt me. Better build taller. Stronger. My fortress has many rooms and many towers. And a moat. My friend on the right shoulder is proud. We did a good job. But not finished yet. Still too frail. Easily broken into. Need fortified walls. Safe bridge. Thick door fortified with iron clamps and with good lock. Am throwing away the key so no one can come in. safe - want to be safe.
They all avoid the truth - they lie and think they are protecting. wrong. so wrong.
fear
going to the doctor today to talk about my weight problems. Am NOT looking forward to it. It is one of those things you need to do but postpone indefinitely until you just have to. I was in a good flow last fall. I know what to do to lose weight. I have all the knowledge I need, and yet it is so incredibly hard.
Last fall I was doing most things right for some months. I lost 20-25 pounds and was really pleased with myself. I was generally just happy last fall. Then my gf breaks up with me and my life goes in a downward spiral.
I start questioning everything, analyzing every conversation we had for the past month that I could remember. Ive been analyzing everything for the past 11 months and I still don't understand half of it. but I have at least accepted now that I probably never will understand - she had her own reasons and I need to accept that.
So this thing today - going to the doctor to get help is my first step back on track I guess. It is me moving on finally. But I just hate talking about my weight problems. It gives me anxieties. And I have hardly slept all night. I have a stress headache that won't go away. Ofc it doesn't help that I hate being the center of attention, and Im going to spend two hours with doctors and specialists today. *sighs*
Wish me luck!
Do as I say not as I do
Why is it I am sooo not good at listening to my own advice? I give advice freely and good advice too. And then I look at myself and I know I could do well with following the same advice myself. Do as I say not as I do seems to be a mantra of mine.
I am a good friend and I listen well to what others say, yet I am totally crap at listening to myself. For thirty odd years I have ignored what my body and mind is trying to tell me - I just push it away. It feels like background noise making it harder for me to listen to what others have to say.
I have been thinking about this for some time now - ever since my little breakdown in August. (see? there I go again. Making my own problems smaller than they really are). It's been on my mind since I have some really good friends online that also have some problems - and they do the same thing. I have a friend who also always says "do as I say not as I do".
Why is it we do this? Why are we belitteling our own problems but when it comes to someone else you care a lot about you would do just about anything to help them. For a while I skipped sleep just to be with them because I knew that it would help them just to be distracted - to have some fun and to be with people they trust and know. I knew that skipping sleep wasn't good for me. Yet I did it. Night after night. And to keep me awake I would drink Red Bull and other energydrinks not to fall asleep. it was a vicious circle. I would drink more coffee at day to keep me awake at work, I would drink energy drinks in the evening to stay up late. Go to bed as late as 3 am just to get up again at 7. I would eat irregularly or not at all. And when I did eat I would eat food that was easy and fast to make. if it lacked in nutrition I didnt care. At all. Lack of sleep and poor nutrition combined with already being depressed was NOT a good combination.
And yet - on a daily basis I would tell my friend off for not eating, I would ask her "did you get any sleep this morning?" since she was not working I was hoping she slept while I was at work. I would be angry with her for not taking care of herself. I would be frustrated because she was not in a good place and because I couldn't do more for her. I even offered to spend my own much needed vacation to house sit for her and look after her animals so she could go on vacation to visit a friend in the states. I even checked flights and how to get there. I never did go - but the offer was sincerely meant and she knew it.
Eventually she was well enough to have a serious conversation with me and she was telling me off - virtually kicked my behind and was mad because we were and still on many levels are struggling with similar things and neither of us are good at looking after ourselves. So we made a kind of promise that we would check up on eachother and tell each other off if we weren't doing as we were told. If I wasn't online she would text me to check up on me. And I would do the same. We have a scale from 1-10 where 1 is totally crap and 10 is fantastic. And we would ask each other - where are you on the scale today? if either of us answered below 5 we would talk or do something to lighten the mood. We kept it going for about a month. now we haven't done that for about a month and I really miss it. It was so helpful in some way.
Now - I am still not well. I still beat myself up for just about anything. I have anxieties like I have never had before (that is - I had them but never payed attention to them), I am constantly in a melancholy mood. I have concentration problems and have problems doing all the things I should at work. I HAVE managed to change a couple of things though: I sleep normal hours now and I managed to quit drinking coffee and caffeinated soda alltogether. I haven't had Red Bull for over a month now. And am not tempted to start again.
I still manage to give my friends good advice, and I am still crap at following them myself. But the mantra I am trying to get my mind into now is "you can not fully help others without helping yourself"
The Puppet Master
"I am my own puppet master" she realized with a start. "So why don't I feel like I am in control?" She sits down on the bus. That is where she can think, that is where she is able to shut the world out, and just be.
She is thinking about this morning - as so many mornings before she met her friend. It has become this ritual in a way. The friend was up late, later than usual. Almost 20 minutes. In those 20 minutes a lifetime passed. Or so it seemed. Her friend logs in, they talk, and the friend needs to leave. Same ritual every morning. The girl loves these mornings. Even if they also hurt a little sometimes. It is only too evident things have changed. She feels it in every fibre of her being. And yet she clings to the memory of the past. When the friend leaves, the girl feels strangely empty, like there's something missing. It is as if something crucial just happened. She can't pinpoint exactly what.
A tear falls down her cheek. She shakes her head, dry off the tear and pulls herself together. She needs to get ready for work. In the shower the feeling comes back. Does she shed another tear? She doesn't know. She only feels sad, and confused. On her way to the bus she is so deep in her own thoughts she bump into a stranger on the sidewalk. She doesn't even look back and say sorry - it's like she doesn't even sense the presence of others. Every now and then a thought of the surroundings pops in - "shall I buy some coffee at the coffee shop next to the bus stop? No - not tired, and I have promised myself only to drink coffee if I really need to stay up." or "red light. Have to wait" the thoughts are not conscious. She is more interested in analyzing herself - her feelings, her thoughts, why she seems to like to punish herself in this way, or why she feels this empty now. After all they did break up over two months ago.
At the bus the thought about the puppet master comes in. Suddenly she has this incredible need to write. "If I am the puppet master - how do I control it?" Then it dawns on her. The solution she has been avoiding for all costs for the past two months. "God - has it really been two months?"
"OK you have to make a choice, and you won't like any of the choices you have.
1. Stop seeing your friend altogether. Never see her again. Have a good cry, mourn the loss of her, and then get her out of your system. Know that she is happy, and be content with that.
2. Keep going the way you have - meet her on an almost daily basis, and have sad days every now and then when you get overwhelmed with what no longer is. Again - be content knowing she is happy even if you can not provide for her happiness."
With the thought of the first option her stomach clench and her eyes well up again. With the second option she relaxes a bit more, and remembers the friendship the relationship has evolved into.
The puppet master has pulled yet another string. The web is closing in. She can feel it. Something is happening, and the girl still does not understand what, why of how. But she can feel there's change in the air. Maybe she is one step closer to being in control, to find the inner puppet master. Maybe it is one step closer to complete acceptance, and understanding. Or maybe it is just a baby step on the path she has chosen. In the end - she can only follow one path, and she has to choose now. Which one will she learn most from? She does not know. She remembers in the very beginning - she had some of the same feeling then. Back then she decided to stick with it, to bury her worries, set her heart free. She never regretted that decision. Maybe that is what she has to do again. Just decide to let go of the worry, and just be - let the path unveil itself.
In the end she decides to let fate make the changes for her, to keep to the path she's started walking. She realizes there will be changes still, but changes are not always bad she decides. She will not sacrifice her friendship because of her own silliness. There are changes all around her. On all levels. She feels the need to retreat, to get control once again. And yet - she wants to be around friends and loved ones.
"Take one step at the time" she tells herself. "Stop for a moment. Breathe. Everything will eventually fall into place". She calms down a little, and lets the thoughts swirl around in her head. She recognizes their presence, but she will let them figure themselves out without meddling.
"Whatever happens will happen. I can choose to go with the flow - or I can try fighting it. I have that choice" she says to herself with a smile. "Bring on the changes. I am ready".
