The snow fell like billowing cotton;
The ground disappeared, slowly but surely, covered with ice and then snow
She stood by the window with a mug of hot coffee
And watched as man and dog slid down the road.
She could hear laughter and delighted barks;
He hugged his dog and looked up,
She raised her mug as a toast
He grinned and waved and slipped and slid his way to his doorway.

*******************************************************************************

I wrote the above lines a few years ago when we were still living in our first apartment after watching a neighbor play in the snow with his dog :). That apartment had huge windows in the living room and since we faced the street and the golf course across the street, it was an endless opportunity for photos and entertainment! I remember, one afternoon, as I sat reading by the window, I watched a grown man throw a humongous tantrum while playing golf! He threw his clubs, stomped around, yelled at his caddie, shook his fist, threw his hat down and stomped on it before getting into his golf cart ad driving away. I had laughed until my stomach hurt from all that laughing! LOL!
It was a window to the world when storms hit. Be it snow, hail, or rain – the effects were simply brilliant. Scary, but breathtaking! I don’t miss the apartment, but I do miss that view!
The next place we lived, our apartment faced the pool and parking lot. So the view was dull unless one of us was waiting for the other to get home. It also shielded us from the winds because the apartment was shielded from the streets and so we never realized how bad a storm was until it was done with or we went and stood looking out some of the hallway windows!
Our current place is also similar – We have a window but we face a small street and other houses, there’s no open space as such and we share walls with our neighbors so we can’t tell how windy it is, unless we peep out the window and see the small trees swaying! Our neighborhood is only a few years old and so, the planted trees are still very young. But, if we step out our front door, we have an absolutely stunning view of the mountains. The sunsets we’ve experienced have been surreal (I should post a few pics here too). I’ve shared so many pics on Insta and Facebook and each pic is different. I watched as the storm rolled in yesterday and the mountains disappeared from view to be replaced by swirling clouds… it looked ominous and yet reassuring… As the snow started to fall, gently (it wasn’t a storm), I stepped out and lifted my face to the snow and let it settle on my nose, the tickling sensation of cold snow made me laugh and also reminded me of the horrible storm I was caught in a year back (2019) and couldn’t find viable transportation back home. It reminded me of the biting cold as I waited for the train to arrive and how I couldn’t find an Uber. K was stuck at home and had no way of reaching me and I remember telling him not to drive in that mess. I made my way home, thankful for the layers of clothing that kept me from getting sick or worse, frostbite! It took me 2 hrs to get home that day and I remember gratefully sinking into a hot bath K had kept ready for me with a big mug of chai.
I walked back in, yesterday, after taking a few pics of the snow, grateful to be working from home, grateful for the warmth. Grateful that the wind was still and the snow that kept falling was still gentle and calm.

This week, we had time off from work and I got hooked to Gossip Girl on Netflix. I know! I know! I’m very late to the party – most folks I know have watched and loved/dissed the show already! The show ended in 2012 so I’m like 8 years late to the party! The show is as expected – a lot shallow, very engaging and has women and men wearing fabulous shoes! 😀 But, I don’t want to talk about the show or review it. I do however want to talk about human emotions and how messy they are. Because, the show has done a remarkable job of capturing and displaying human emotions.
Every day, most of us hide how we feel. There is always a front – for our loved ones, at work, with friends. It’s when we stand in front of that mirror, that it strips us bare and there is nowhere to hide. We hide in the name of society, family and mainly with the thought – “What will people think of me”. We are all born with the need or desire to be loved and the sad part is that we are told that we are only loveable when we present the world with our best side. This is ingrained in us since we were children and we carry it over as we grow into adulthood. Since we still live and operate in a land where arranged marriages are very common, we present our best front to our future spouses.

All of this got me wondering, what happens when the makeup comes off? When we have a meltdown? Or when something comes up from the past? Actually, what do we know of our parents’ past? We only see the front they have presented to us. Is it really them? Did they have a crush? Or a boyfriend/girlfriend that they didn’t or couldn’t get married to? Have we been introduced to them as the “uncle” or “aunty” from school? Is that how we are introducing our exes to our children?  Our generation didn’t invent love, so to expect or believe that our parents had no one they actually liked during their growing up years is superficial and very narrow-minded. Isn’t it?

A lot of my college classmates and school mates married early and had kids early. So, a lot of those kids are almost 18 now and as I write this, makes me wonder – do they know about that crush their parent had? And what exactly would happen if they did know? Make our parents more relatable? Maybe have honest conversations about feelings?

Because, it’s not just in TV shows that you have cliques and school crushes and making out sessions behind the bleachers. And if our kids go to the same school we did and found their mother’s name scratched behind a shelf in the library, what then?

Food for thought, no? It makes me wonder – can we ever keep it real? Or even try to?

Over the years, I’ve learnt faking your real self in a relationship never works. Not once. I have friends who are separated from their spouses because they couldn’t keep up the charade. And if they have, I have to ask – how genuinely happy are you?

I’ve learnt talking about how I feel with my safety net – K and a handful of friends keeps me grounded and real. Like, K worked late last night and into half a day today (Thanksgiving holiday) and I told him I wasn’t happy about it. It’s not to pressure him into NOT working, because that’s his job, you know? And when there is an emergency, it’s all hands-on deck. Did I complain? No! I supported him, made him tea and hot chocolate and dinner and gave it to him as he worked. But I still have the right to make my feelings clear and that I was unhappy. He gave me one of his world-famous hugs (The man gives the greatest hugs people!) and accepted that I felt bad. That’s it. It’s not a competition. It doesn’t have to be complicated. It’s not a reflection on him or us or me. It is what it is… feelings – messy, complicated and real. Will this repeat – yes! Of course, it will. Because the real world is messy, he’ll have work emergencies or I might!

It’s the same with love – it’s messy, it’s complicated. We love who we love and most of the time there is no rhyme or reason for that love. You could be married for 20 years, have 3 kids and still love the boy from college you went out and had coffee with every other evening. However, it helps to talk about how we feel because it brings closure. Maybe if those feelings had been discussed 20 years ago even with oneself, the person could have genuinely loved their current spouse? Or maybe not?

Human emotions are messy and complicated and we try to categorize them into neat little buckets. But, it’s never that simple, is it?