My Forever Family

I have been meaning to do this post for a few months now but have been in a bit of a funk. I don't even really know why, the only thing i can think of is that Eli and Jetts 2nd birthday hit me so much more then i was expecting it too. I have had no motivation to do anything i even stopped reading the blogs that i follow but i have been feeling better and have tried catching up on all the reading. I didn't realise how much i missed it.

This is also my 100th post! I feel like a bit of a bad blogger because it took me so long to get to the 100 mark, but i am finally there. So to celebrate my 100th post i am also going to be giving away 4 $10 gift certificates to The Midnight Orange store. plus i think after making you wait so long to find out the winner i owe it to you. So here they are..... 

The winner of the $25 certificate is: Paula
The winners of the $10 certificates are:
- Maggie
- Trena
- Tina
- Laura

Congrats Ladies i hope you have fun picking out something special. Please email me at rikkidonkin(at)gmail(dot)com so i can let you know how to redeem your certificates :)

WOW its been a while since i last posted anything! Just a bit of warning this post is going to be a bit all over the place!
First i want to wish everyone a very merry Christmas ( i know i am a bit late... but better late then ever right?) i hope everyone found a little bit of joy and peace. And i hope everyone has a happy and safe new year too.

I know i certainly wish that next year will be a much happier one then the last 2 have been. I still find it hard to believe that it has nearly been two full years since Eli and Jett were born... sometimes the pain still feels so raw like it was only yesterday and my arms still ache to hold them. Lately i have bee wondering what they would look like at 2 years old...would they look identical? i don't really think they would. When they were born they didn't really look anything like each other and if i didn't know better i would have thought that they were fraternal twins instead of identical. But i still think sometimes that maybe as they got older they would have started to look more alike. I know for sure that they definitely wouldn't have had similar personalities! How i wish that i could be snuggling up with my little sweetheart Eli ( who always wanted to be cuddled up close to me when he was in my belly) and being drive crazy by Jett who would be the mischief maker just like me ( who instead of laying next to Eli always had to be different and lay on top of him while kicking Eli in the head! lol ). I'm sure if they were here there would never be a dull moment... instead i sit at home in the quiet by myself watching movies sleeping in till the afternoon and reading books all day.

It is less then two weeks until their birthday and i have absolutely no idea what i am going to do for it. I might make a cake and Lani can blow out the candles for them, i might even have a BBQ. All i do know is i am going to take a little time out for myself and be with them. Last year i went to the movies by myself which was nice so i might even do that again this year. What have you done for your babies birthdays/ anniversaries? or what are you planning to do?

At the moment i am away at my mums place. I came up here for Christmas this year. I was meant to go home today but we have had record breaking floods so for now we are all stuck here. I am hoping to make it home on Monday if the water levels go down by then and they open up the roads. We are actually quite lucky where we are because my mums property up up higher so the water isn't flooding her house but some people around her have lakes instead of paddocks. A few of mums friends have been completely flooded out and have been stranded with no power now for 5 days and no way for anyone to get in or out of their property. The town has completely run out of bread and milk and nearly run out of beer! there wont be too many happy people here when that happens.

Because of the amount of rain we haven't had a chance to do much in the boys memorial garden and we haven't been able to put the ashes in there either. We didn't want to do it until it dries up a bit to make sure that they don't just get washed away, so my mum will just have to do it by herself after i leave ( if i leave )

I am planning on doing a couple giveaways on here sometime in January for Eli and Jett's birthday but that wont probably happen until a bit later in the month so look out for that.

Congratulations if you have gotten this far i hope some of it made some sense :P 
When i get home i will upload some photos.

p.s I would really like to be able to do something nice for all of you if you comment alot or if you are just a reader it doesn't matter. It may just be a Christmas card or birthday card for your babies or little gifts every now and then. So if you would like to can you please email me rikkidonkin(at)gmail(dot)com or leave a comment with your name, mailing address, baby/ babies names and birth dates so i can add them to my calendar.  Thank you :)

 

I absolutely love getting little signs from my boys. They don't happen that often but when they do they are very obvious. so i will start from the beginning
I am going to visit my mum for christmas this year. this will only be the second time that i have been to see her since i was about 17. She has struggled with losing her grandsons, she finds it really hard not having anything of theirs to remember them by. I have their ash's and all their clothes and things and all she has is a few photos so she decided to make a garden for them a very large garden that is, most likely knowing her, larger then my entire backyard. I cant wait to see their garden. Doing it has helped her to be able to do something for them and also made a place for her to be able to go and feel like they are all around her. I have noticed a huge change in her lately. she seems happier? anyway back to the story, i had been thinking about taking a small portion of Eli and Jett's ash's with me to put in their garden, i thought that would help her even more actually having part of them in her garden. I have been going back and forth with it all week. so last night i just decided to ask the boys to let me know if that's what they wanted me to do and to show me a sign for yes and if i didn't get anything then i wouldn't do it.

I called my mum on the way to work today and she told me that she had seen the boys. I started thinking maybe she was losing it until she told me that she seen 2 black and blue butterflies flying side by side nd they circled the boys garden and then went into it and hung out around the flowers but they never left each others sides the entire time they were there. That's when i knew that they were giving me a clear YES. I then told her my idea and she was so happy. for christmas the family is all going to go and each pick a plant and plant them with their ash's. I then got to the creche that i was working at for a few hours and the owner had bought in a few new toys. The toys she had were the same as what my mum had bought for Eli and Jett, and an elephant and giraffe toy and that was all. OK boys i get it you want me to take some of your ash's to nannas house!
I then get to my other work and see a lady carrying around a stuffed elephant toy and less then 5 minutes later another lady wearing a shirt with an elephant on it. Hmm do you think they are trying to tell me something???

So now i have to part with a small part of my boys. I didn't think how hard it was going to be for me to part with them but I'm sure it will be wort it to see my mum smile.

For some reason i feel very protective over her. I have always felt like i had to protect her and i still do. My heart broke for my mum when i had to ring her and tell her that both of her grandsons had died. I think it didn't really hit me till later on i was just so worried for her, i felt like i failed her. Hearing her on the phone just screaming was the worst thing i have ever heard in my life. I'm sure to anyone listening from the street it would have sounded like she had just cut off her leg, but i guess in a way that's kind of what happened. part of her had been amputated and she like us all will always be missing something that most people just take for granted.

 All those signs might just seem like i am looking for something to explain it. sometimes i think that to myself. I am just trying to find a sign from them but in my heart i know that my boys are around and i asked and they gave me an answer. Even if its not them it still makes me happy. 

On another note t is now past midnight here which makes it the 10th. which makes it 22 months since they were born. only 2 months till their 2nd birthday. this year has gone so fast. it feels like it has only just been their 1st birthday. I don't know how i have manages to go nearly 2 years without my babies. I miss my boys.

 OK enough rambling for me hope this post has made a little bit of sense. I'm going to bed, that is if i can sleep. Xxx

My sister shared this song with me. It was written after his partner had a miscarriage. It is a beautiful song and the words are amazingly powerful.

Just popped in quickly to let you all know i am still here. Dont have the internet yet but i am going crazy without it so i am going to try and get it soon. I have been reading all of your blogs when ever i get the chance but that isnt very often so if i have missed something i appoligise. I wanted to say congratulations to everyone who is expecting their rainbow babies. I really am happy for you all.

Living on my own really has made me paranoid. I am so scared that something is going to happen when i am not home like something is going to catch fire and im not going to be there to put it out and i ma going to lose everything of eli and jett's or that someone is going to break into my house and steal all their stuff even though i dont know why they would go for that stuff when there is a tv laptop and all that kinda stuff just sitting there. I turn all the powerpoints off before i go to bed and before i leave to work i check and re check that all the doors and windows are locked i have losked my gate, i dont really know why as you can just step over it but it still could be a deterant couldnt it? then i worry about the nexdoor neighbour whos unit is connected to mine by a wall and i worry that she is going to leave the oven on or something like that and i a still going to lose everything. i dont care about anything in my house except the few things i have left to remember them by. I have all of their belongings packed into a suitcase still. That is the only things that i havent unpacked you know just incase something happens and i need to get out quickly it is there waiting for me.

I think maybe i should get a safe and put their things in there but then what if something happens and i cant get the safe open. Maybe i could leave their things at my sisters house but her house could still get broken into or burned down or one of the kids could accidentally spill something on it or could decide that they want to play with something. i wish that i could just take all of their things everywhere i went. I think it would really help my sanity. Really all this worrying is driving me crazy. I have no idea what to do.

I am quite enjoying working except for some stupid comments that people have made. i have told 2 people there about the boys the first lady casually said 'oh yeah' and the second said 'well this is awkward' Really? thats all you can say after i tell you that my two baby boys died. i spose there is worse things they could have said but the 2 people that i open up to both say something stupid. see thats why i keep everything to myself and dont like meeting new people or opening up to anyone.
I overheard one of the guys at work talking to one of the ladies there and she asked him if he was an only child and he said that he wasnt but his sister died shortly after birth and then went on to talk about his sister and his mother and how strong she was to deal with all of that. It brought tears to my eyes hearing him talking about his little sister. it made me feel like running up o them and saying i knew how his mother felt that i had lost my babies too. i so badly wanted to talk about my boys but those two people that had stupid things to say has made me re think telling anyone about them. I hate that because of 2 peoples thoughtless comments i have to in a way be punished. Lifes not fair but we already know that.

Moving on. Iwent to the doctors the other day and he has refered me for ultrasounds. He thinks i may have endemetreosis (sorry have no idea how to spell it). I have quite a large family history of it and my sister just had an opperation to get it removed. I have been in a hell of alot of pain lately. I am hoping that i dont have this. If i do it will mean i will have trouble in the future getting pregnant and staying pregnant. i didnt realise how much i wanted more babies until i hear that it might be extreemly hard to have them. I really want to be able to hold another one of my babies in my arms. I want to give Eli and Jett a brother or sister one day. Not any time soon but one day i do.

So thats how my life has been in the last few weeks. Hopefully next time you hear from me it wont be all doom and gloom.