sa inyo

batid niyo nawa, aking galak sa mga buwang tayo’y nakumpleto muli
bawat araw ay sinusulit, sinasaliksik
upang kayo’y makilala muli
dahil totoong kinain yata tayo ng oras
baon sa aral, trabaho, kakaisip at kapaplano sa kung anong dala ng bukas
nakubli tayo sa sari’t sari nating mga mundo
kaya minsa’y kay lamig, walang galak, walang interes,
sa mga usap, kwento, at pagbabahagi sa kung anong
naganap sa araw ng isa’t-isa.
maiikling tugon, madalas, paminsan pa nga’y wala
dahil malayo ang isip, laging nasa ibang lugar ang nais puntahan.
ngunit ngayo’y himala’t hawak natin ang oras,
isa itong trahedya, isang linyang tila walang mapupuntahan
kaya sa gitna ng pagtahak sa linya ay pinili nating kilalanin muna muli ang isa’t-isa
dahil ‘yun lang muna ang ating magagawa –
buhayin ang mga pag-uusap, alamin ang lahat,
habulin ang lahat ng ninakaw ng panahon.
makatitiyak kayong lahat ay aking sinusulit –
ang inyong haplos, tinig, hubog ng mukha paggising hanggang pag-idlip
kung dati’y panay ang iwas dahil may mas importante yatang lugar upang pagnilayan ng isip
ngayon ay naririto ako, kasama niyo, humaharap at niyayakap ang lahat, sinasamantala ang lahat ng panahong tayo’y magkasama
batid niyo nawa na walang nang mas sasaya pa sa mga pagkakataon
sa mga buwan na ito na tayo’y buo at nag-uusap, tinuturuan ang isa’t isa.
batid niyo nawa na nabuo muli ang puso sa inyong piling, sana’y nabuhay rin ang sa inyo sa munting panahon na ating sinusulit.

tanong pa rin kung bakit, kung saan-saan pa napapadpad, kung ang tanging kapayapaang hanap naman ay andito. 

ma, pa, x,

live longer, will you
live for the sunrises and sunsets
and all those storms and heartbreaks
live, i wanted to show you more
we’ll get out of this city, this island
let’s go and look out for more things pretty,
more things beautiful, more things painful
live, let’s breathe the universe in
and embrace everything, hands still tight,
and grasping onto one another, grasping into light,
grasping into hope.

ikaw

hindi pa maisip ng sarili na umalis.
talaga bang malapit na?
talaga bang ilang buwan na lamang ay iiwan na kita?
ikaw na nagbukas sa pusong kulong? Sa isip na noong una’y hindi wari kung saan paparoon?
datapwat ay mahigpit akong kakapit.
hindi ko muna sisilipin man lamang ang orasan.
mahirap, dahil baka mas lalo pa itong bumilis.
sa ngayon, ang mga lakad ay gagawin ko munang mahinahon.
at papakiramdaman ang lahat.
lalanghapin. pagmamasdan. pakikinggan.
dahan-dahan, hanggang dumaloy ang lahat pailalim.
dalisay. mahiwaga. maginhawa.

02191

Open your heart, they say
Open your mind, they say
But forgive me if I can only show half of everything
Forgive me for not being enough
For not saying what I mean
because sincerity is being naked
It’s going about truths that I won’t ever be truly ready to share
How do you do that without breaking
Tonight, or maybe even the next nights, I may
Or maybe not, because I don’t think I want to know how shattered I am becoming

0219

Making tiptoes against the rain
I wonder when it’ll make a sound
The length of the pavement is empty
Without the companion in grey that follows me around
I cried because I’m scared of the emptiness
Shallow street, and nothing else – not even a click here, a hiss there, maybe some hint of a whisper of the wind from afar
I wailed harder in despair for I can’t even hear my own cries
I remember reciting a sentence or more, an inquiry, and then a feeling that’s caged for a while
I remember that they don’t tie up together, just a bunch of nonsense stringed and released
I was not expecting an answer, maybe an echo, but not an answer
From the start I’m certain that it’ll end up this way
But, alas, was I not ready
Was I not ready to be heard
Was I not ready to hear my own

after sunsets

Let me remember how,
I find sunsets both dazzling,
and calming, at the same time
and I’ll tell you how
I pretend that sunsets do not exist now – – –
not through my senses,
not in my memory.
I wonder how
such beauty caresses a sting
on my furtive soul;
how can it bruise me too badly,
that I can still feel
the pain that it brought,
until now?
Can this pain, better be a scar,
at last?
I’m weary,
of embracing,
all the soreness, and
all the throbbing.
Wouldn’t you believe,
that such belle
would draw such wounds?
We often fall prey
to the hands of the graceful
and the comely.
Who wouldn’t?
Who would know that underneath it all,
we’re all inside the same unkempt
and broken home,
constantly looking for something,
and someone to love,
searching for healing,
needing attention,
and redemption.
But with all these wanting,
comes hurting.

All things beautiful, it seems,
may wrench us everytime – – –
even sunsets,
to which I fell in love with,
after deciding to gaze at one for too long;
in fact, I gazed at one far too long
that it end up hurting me.
I always keep it in me,
how it made my heart busy
beating like a drum, again, and again;
how, I searched for every shaft of light there is in it,
for I thought it was prettier,
and brighter, that way;
how I chased after it,
even after absolute darkness
sweeps it away.
I believe I will always be,
looking for that light
even after I decided not to see one again.

today

Both a curse and a blessing, it is
To let the weight of everything fall down on my shoulders
To blame myself for every faults that are not even mine
To care, and notice too much

매일, it is a struggle to choose between seeing everything and be in pain
Or ignore most details, and go off in bliss
In this perpetual quest for happiness, is it wrong to choose to be oblivious?
Choose to not be hurt, and bitter, and be peaceful?

지금, I’m learning that happiness gets far away from you by choosing not to notice
but that’s just the way it is
It just gets closer and closer, when you decide that  you have to get in with the present moment.

오늘 너무 행복해.
매일 진짜 행복해.

I hope you are, too.

Stay

You tiptoe further and further away from the sunshine of my palms,
eager to see the shadows of the moon again, not because you miss its quiet enigma
but because you thought that the sun is shining too brightly that it hurts
your fingertips
your chest
and the soles of your feet;
you became so used to it that you thought you can no longer feel how much it actually hurts.

I want to tie a rope around your hands and yolk it with mine,
but your flighty soul is wanting to run from the sunshine, envying instead the sadness of the shadows.

I hope that I speak stronger than the dark half of your soul, so that his screams would be meager whispers,
and our pleas would come to you clearer.

through the night

Stars begin to blanket the heavens as I look
And then the wind kisses me gently, and pulls me in his embrace
But then rain drops start to tickle my hair, carefully, then forcefully
So the stars slowly pave their way out into the darkness again, leaving the heavens weeping more than ever
The wind kept me in his arms and promises to never leave
But he does anyway, after some time, just like the stars
And so I’m left soaking wet, and cold
Without the wind to embrace me
Without the stars to cover the dark
Hours and hours have gone by
But the stars never showed
It was always the wind
And the rain
I’ve missed the wind, but I’ve already fallen in love with the stars
And so I’d keep on waiting
Until the stars shine for me again.

Ready.

You’re so surprised that he smiled back at you. You’re not expecting that he would notice you at all. But you shrugged it off immediately, because 1) you’re just 15 and he’s three years older than you. There are obviously lots of better looking kids who are lining up for his attention. You’re sure of it. You see it in secret giggles of kids whenever he passes along the hallways 2) he’s so popular and you’re a wallflower. The odds aren’t realistically high for two people of two opposite social cliques to form a romantic fling. They only sadly happen in feel good movies, and books and 3) he’s probably not attracted to kids who are of the same sex.

You pretended that he didn’t just smiled at you. You convinced yourself that he’s not likable, and you don’t really like him. You even made yourself believe that you like girls better. But, then, when you see him again, you catch him looking at you. You turned your back, convinced that it’s not you he’s looking at. But no one’s there. There’s only you. He’s looking at you.

You’re happy that he’s paying attention to you. You’re happy with the possibility that he might even like you back. But there’s a part of you that says that what you’re feeling is wrong. But how can love be wrong?

You shrugged it off again. You just like him. You like him, but you don’t really know him. You’re afraid. Of pointing fingers. Of shaking heads. Of angry priests. Of disgusted friends. You realized you’re not ready.

But then you saw him again. And this time, he’s going to your direction. He’s looking at you. Your faces are now just several inches away. He smiled at you.

“Hi. Uhhm… My name’s Bryan.”

“I know. Eric.”

You’re ready.