I was very glad we video taped the funeral because I didn’t and still don’t remember much of it without watching the video and I was really pleased with the message.  Brandon had been up much of the night putting together a memorial video so that we could share our precious Joshua with our family and friends who were not at the hospital with us.  The girls were all in the service with us, even Lauren made it through thanks to  a steady stream of smarties to keeping her busy.  I remember being a little embarrassed at first because there were a few times where the girls were acting in a manner some might have considered inappropriate but I just tried to remind myself that they were his sisters and it’s their job, not to mention they had a right to be there.  I had not seen the video Brandon had made prior to the service so of course that made me cry.  He did such a great job capturing our experience with Joshua.

After the service we had a light luncheon and then those who wanted to met with us over at the cemetery (it’s about 45 minutes away).  My mom had gotten balloons for each of the sisters and cousins so we took them along to the cemetery in case any of the kids wanted to let them go.

The cemetery where Joshua is buried is an old country cemetery out in Lowell.  This is the hill you have to climb to get to his spot.

now picture covered in snow with a path plowed up to the top.  It was a little messy and slippery but we made it up the hill.  Actually by this time in the day it was almost 70* so we were at the graveside service wearing boots but no coats.  I wish we had remembered to take our cameras along so I would have pictures of the girls laying their flowers after the service was done and video of Brandon placing his casket in the grave. (a topic for another post)  So now to the part the post is named after …when the graveside service was finished we were sitting and I turned to Brandon and whispered “I don’t know what to do now”,he couldn’t hear me so I had to say it louder.  I had been to funerals and even graveside services but never really paid attention to what happens at the end.  We ended up standing up and exchanging hugs with those who had joined us and then made our way down the hill.  Some of my siblings and their kids came over to our house afterward so the kids could play together.  They were able to play outside because it was so warm out.  I took a short rest and then enjoyed spending some time with my family.

Sorry, not the most upbeat post but I needed to write it.

As the first time grandma to be I feel totally inadequate in this situation. Please do you have some words of wisdom on this situation for the extended family!”

but then I couldn’t figure out where the link to her question went and was not able to respond so I figured if I answer it here, I can answer it for her and anyone else who wonders.

So here is my best answer:

The first thing I want to say is that each person’s situation and response are unique.  What worked for me may not for someone else.  There are things I myself wish I did differently -not many, but a few.  So, that being said, here are some things that I would recommend.  In these situations there are many things that are out of our control, for me it was helpful to be back in control whenever possible.  At the same time there are many decisions to be made and that can get overwhelming so I would recommend using phrases like:

-would it help if I …

-would you like me to just take care of …

-do you mind if I/we …

Then give them a little extra time to think things over.

I remember one example specifically.  During the time we were preparing for Joshua’s funeral my  mom-in-law called and asked if we had a casket spray (we didn’t -not a detail I had thought about) and then asked if we would be okay with them picking one out.  It was wonderful.  I told them the size of Joshua’s casket and they took care of it.  Now it helps that I know my MIL has great taste and would pick something nice.  Their pick was perfect, I don’t think I could have made a better pick if I tried.  Another thing that was great was that my mom had video taped everyone holding Joshua, it wasn’t something she asked about and later she even shared with me that she was concerned she would upset me or make people feel uncomfortable, I can’t tell you how much I treasure the pictures and video of our time holding him.  We also got video of his funeral and I wish we had thought to tape the graveside service. For me there were some things I wanted to do myself because I had a very specific way I wanted them and others I couldn’t have cared less about.

Be prepared for tears.  Sometimes I cried because I was sad, sometimes I cried because I was relieved, sometimes I cried because I was so touched, sometimes I cried just because I needed to let out some stress.  Add to that the normal postnatal hormone rebalancing tears and a body could get dehydrated. (which reminds me a couple of boxes of “good” tissues will most likely be welcome, hospital tissues are about as soft as tree bark)  My husband made the comment at one point that it was hard for him when I cried because he was used to being the reason I cried (having done something to make me sad) and it was hard for him because normally there was something he could do to make it better and about the only thing that helped during that time was for him to just hold me.

Some of the things they do may seem strange -unless it violates a law, give them some slack.  My husband wanted to be the one to place Joshua’s casket in the grave, to some people that might seem strange but for him it was taking care of his son.  After everyone left, my friend and her husband wanted to be the ones to “close” the grave for their girls -it was what they needed to do (that’s one of the things I sometimes wish I had done).

Don’t be afraid to compare the kids, maybe their noses will be exactly the same or one will look just like Dad and one like Mom.  Just don’t be suprised if they don’t agree.  I have one niece who each family said looked like the other’s side (I think neither one wanted to claim her -she wasn’t the prettiest baby) My one daughter looked like my family from one angle and like my hubby’s from another.  You may even want to do something each year to remember birthdays or other times you may give the surviving twin a gift.  My In-laws donate to a charity we picked on our son’s b-day and at Christmas -just because he’s gone doesn’t mean they have to forget him or pretend he wasn’t here.  One caution -you might want to check your idea with mom & dad, some gifts are more for the giver than the reciever and that can be a source of tension.

I would also recommend that you give them space to be able to comfort eachother.  They will most likely each have times when they feel inadequate to comfort eachother but it is so easy for communication to break down between the parents and having that time to stay connected is very important.  And don’t forget it’s okay for you to need some time for yourself too, you will be grieving as well.

Practical side:

-we had family in our room before my epidural wore off and I could get up to do things like brush my teeth (a pack of her favorite mints might be nice) or change into different clothes (I had brought a nice Pajama top that would make me feel presentable)

-my mind has always been like a sieve after delivery anyway so it was nice to have a notepad and pen to be able to write things down so I wouldn’t forget who had volunteered for what or who was bringing dinner which day.

-it was very helpful to have some cash on hand for different things ie. my sister had to pick up a Rx for me etc.

There used to be a song on country radio by Patty Loveless called “how can I help you say goodbye”.  Some of the lyrics are …time will ease your pain …how can I help you to say goodbye, it’s okay to hurt, and it’s okay to cry… I would add to that it’s okay to laugh and it’s okay to cry.   There were many things that had a humorous side or that were joyful or beautiful in how things occured in my son’s birth too.  Believe it or not I treasure both the good and the bad. 

It’s probably good I couldn’t reply on facebook, I don’t think they give you this much space.  Thanks for the questions, I love to talk/write about Joshua and spend time remembering him.

Praying God’s blessings for you as you await your precious new grandbabies.

Incidentally, I was very nervous about the amnio.  The pictures of the needle inserted into the abdomen in my pregnancy books did not look in anyway appealing.  Thankfully we did not have to wait to have it done or I might have chickened out.  I would not say it was painless but it was more of an “uncomfortable” feeling than specifically painful.  I was also a little nervous because we already had low amniotic fluid and I wondered if it would fill back up good enough but God took care of Joshua and me.  The night after the amnio they had said to lay low so we (Joshua and I) just sat around in the recliner drinking our required fluids.  I remember that I did have some mild discomfort that night, just sort of a dull ache -I described it to one of my friends as kind of like when you’ve exercised for the first time in a long time.  The spot where the needle was inserted left me with a blue dot after it healed.  I still have my little blue “Joshua dot” though it continues to fade over time.

Just wanted to let you know I am still working on Joshua’s story.  Some times I don’t get to work on it for days/weeks at a time.  Sometimes I’m just not in the right place to work on it.  Being busy with three girls over the summer with another one on the way (also a girl) has left me with little energy to spend on it but slowly I am progressing.  Part of the problem is that I want it to be so perfect and not forget any of the details.  So please have patience with me… I’ll get it done eventually.