Patty: This coffee Haagen Dazs is so delicious, I’ve decided NOT to marry Schlitzy and marry this ice cream instead.
Schnookie: Schlitzy says, “I got passed over for some ice cream. But I came back.”

Pookie: Someone drew a mustache on a picture of me, but I came back.

Pookie: I’m like, “Dammit! I should have taken that nap!” I didn’t take that nap, but I came back.
Schnookie: I took an AMAZING nap. But I came back.

Patty: I was forced to move into a Schlitz can, but I came back.

Kate: I just realized I’m out of dental floss. But I came back.

Patty: I flunked Comedy 101. But I came back.

Pookie: A co-worker just was really rude to me when I asked if she could access the web when her phone wasn’t working. I want Schlitzy to go over there and tell her, “My internet-based phone stopped working when my internet went out, but I came back.” And then kick her in the shins.
Patty: Some giant hockey player with a resplendent schnozz and wearing a Schlitz can just kicked me in the shins. But I came back.
Pookie: I died of laughter. But I came back.

Patty: “I hit a pole with my car. But I came back.”
Schlitzy: “That’s way tougher than I am!”

Heather: I got arrested for keying Sabres players’ cars. But I came back.

Pookie: I had nothing but popcorn and cupcakes for dinner, but I came back.

Schnookie: I was beaten down deep into the ground by my shitty team. But I came back.

ModFan: We haven’t posted in two months. But we came back.

Anaheim: Added Brendan Morrison. Good thing Getzlaf and Perry are beasts.

Calgary: Iginla will run circles around his team, yet they’ll fail.

Chicago: Talented young team but I REFUSE them, so zip it.

Colorado: Another season of Forsberg talk? Don’t sign us up.

Columbus: Columbus Blue Jackets? Never heard of ’em.

Dallas: Maybe Chicago will distract Detroit and they can sidle past.

Detroit: Blah blah blah blah repeat champions blah blah blah blah.

Edmonton: Young talent that could still go either way.

Los Angeles: Meh.

Minnesota: They’re probably not as stifling as people think.

Nashville: Spunky, nasty team but as usual, craziness around them.

Phoenix: Wayne’s sweatervests make it hard to take them seriously.

San Jose: Blockbuster deadline trade who’ll then sign elsewhere next summer. Again.

St. Louis: Paul Kariya and Keith Tkachuk? Say no more.

Vancouver: 1-0, 1-2, 0-1, 1-2, etc. etc….until hockey is dead.

Without further ado, we present the Official ModFan 2008/09 Eastern Conference Season Preview:

Atlanta: Ilya Kovalchuk is wasted in Atlanta. So sad.

Boston: Sorry. It’s easier to climb Kilimanjaro than win the East.

Buffalo: They might not suck. Eat your Wheaties, Ryan Miller.

Carolina: A classic rebound season. Mark my words.

Florida: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wait, for real?

Montreal: Is Price the next Roy? No. Happy 100th Season, Montreal!

New Jersey: Holik? Rolston? It’s 1999 again. They didn’t win that year.

New York Islanders: I Just Fucked Up My Hip Again: Part 5 Million

New York Rangers: Since they let Avery go, let’s hope they fail comically.

Ottawa: This season will prove Emery wasn’t the only problem.

Philadelphia: Might actually be pretty good. (Damn.)

Pittsburgh: It’d be pretty fun if they sucked hard. Fingers crossed.

Tampa Bay: Still a circus, just different ringleaders.

Toronto: Their own management says they’re not playoff-bound. We don’t disagree.

Washington: They’re the media darlings these days. They’ll miss the playoffs.

Heather B.: If you mean, “Stu should sign with Buffalo. It’s the only thing that makes sense,” I know EXACTLY what you mean.

Patty: That’s exactly what I DON’T MEAN!

Look, here’s all you need to know about Stu Barnes: He’s ours and you can’t have him. Buffalo.

PRO: Creates a lot of chances for his team.
CON: Creates a lot of chances for his opponent.

PRO: Very good skater.
CON: Has to be in order to make up for getting caught in the offensive zone.

PRO: Talkative, good interview.
CON: No filter, sometimes talks without thinking.

PRO: Redhead.
CON: Grease head.

PRO: Can carry the puck out of the defensive zone.
CON: Can’t stop the puck from getting into the defensive zone.

PRO: Has often impressed commentators with huge open ice hits.
CON: When talking about huge open ice hits, commentators have to run video from two years ago. That should tell you something, commentators.

PRO: Grows a lovely playoff beard.
CON: Playoffs only a couple of months long, weak-chinned the rest of the year.

PRO: Can eat huge minutes.
CON: Can’t necessarily eat huge minutes that matter.

PRO: Very friendly with people in the community.
CON: Very “friendly” with people in the community ifyouknowwhatImean.

In a nutshell, Brian Campbell has grown into a very good offensive d-man. He’s definitely not without skill and he is, by all accounts, a pretty nice guy. He’s not going to come in and change your defensive corp all by himself though and I have to question how well he’s going to play under the pressure of a huge contract. (Seriously, he must be the only professional athlete in the world who gets so stressed about whose ridiculous offer he’s going to accept.) He’ll also never be a top pairing guy in my book because I prefer my top pairing guys to have some modicum of defensive ability. If you can get him for 5-5.5 million, you might have done pretty well for yourself. Anything above 6 and well… enjoy!