What do I do now?

I don’t think I mentioned this before – shame on me. 

This past weekend I drove over 9 hours to the location where I should have grown up to meet my half-sisters and spend some time with my natural mother. 

Overall, I think this weekend went pretty well.  I visited quite a bit with my natural mother.  I was hoping to spend more time with her, but when I wasn’t meeting new people I was just so exhausted I couldn’t get the energy to be at the top of my game.  So, instead I chose to have an hour to myself one of the afternoons and later on that evening, and I feel guilty about it.  We were only there for a few days, but with the slew of people I was meeting, as well as the fact that I’m almost seven weeks pregnant, I was just so tired all the time.  Also, my son was pretty overwhelmed with all of the traveling and new people he was beginning to show signs of being unhappy and wanting to go home.  And having to deal with him when he’s not at the top of his game is exhausting to even think about, let alone deal with.  I guess I just wish I had more time there so I wouldn’t have felt like everyone was demanding of my time. 

I did get to meet all three of my half-sisters, a couple of their spouses, and their children.  They all seem like really nice people.  I was hit with a few bits of information that I was not expecting.  I think I have to process how I feel about it first before I can share – sorry.  I was also able to meet my nmothers’ mother.  She’s a pretty typical 80 something year old.  I didn’t really expect to be meeting her so I didn’t think about whether I wanted to ask her anything.  Oh well, maybe another time. 

The 9+hour drive there went well, as did the drive back – our four year old is a real trooper when it comes to long car/plane trips.  I did almost jump out of the car while it was going 60 mph yesterday because a spider appeared on the inside of the windshield right in front of me.  Thankfully I showed some restraint and begged my husband to stop the car to kill it instead.  I jumped out of the car once it had stopped so he could do the deed without it getting botched and landing on me.  I am petrified of spiders, so to be confined with one so close to me was really scary – even if it was only the size of nickel.  My husband said that he was really proud of me for not jumping out of the car while it was moving, as it would have been a little difficult to explain to the cops why I would rather kill myself and our unborn child over such a small spider – a tarantula might be understandable, but a teeny tiny one probably not.  Hah hah, he thinks he’s so funny sometimes. 

Exhaustion is starting to set in again – between that and the nausea it’s amazing I get anything done. 

Ta ta for now! 

The meeting went surprisingly well!  I didn’t throw up once!  Unfortunately, just as my natural mother was coming up the street I was trying to stop a nosebleed.  I guess I let the stress get to me that way instead of puking.  I prefer the nosebleed, although it was unfortunate timing.

So, the meeting started out a little awkward – although, not nearly as awkward as I had anticipated.  My husband and son were there along with her husband.  Looking back, it may have been better if it had just been us.  Oh well, can’t change the past (boy, do I know that).  For a while there was small chit-chat about their trip and their hotel.  My son was being his usual 4-year-old self and began entertaining everyone – that was a nice distraction from what seemed like forced small talk.  We then started looking at some photo’s that she had brought with her of herself and her (other) daughter.

After a while, my son got bored and was taken to the park.  Her husband stepped outside to smoke and make a few phone calls.  As soon as we were alone things got a lot more comfortable.  I guess while the others were there we were just trying to avoid the “elephant in the room”.  We got straight down to business as soon as everyone was out of the room.

She started by asking me to tell her about my parents.  I don’t know how I thought that topic could be avoided, because I hadn’t even planned beforehand how I would answer that question.  So, when she asked me about them I think I seemed a little shocked.  Before she got there though, I had decided that I wasn’t going to lie to her about anything.  So I told her how I felt about them.  Also, somewhere in the conversation, my brother came up.  I told her the truth about what he did to me.  I didn’t think I was going to be able to tell her that, but I didn’t want to lie about anything. 

The conversation progressed to other topics.  I found out that not only do I have three half-sisters, but I also have an older half-brother.  I think it was this half-brother that helped my natural mother make her decision to not let my natural father parent me.  From what I was told, he was a very poor father to this boy.  Additionally, he and the mother had done something to this child that made it very clear to my natural mother that he should not be involved in my upbringing.  So, since my natural mother was not able to take care of me herself, she made the decision to put me up for adoption.

I also found out that my natural father died 15 years ago of a heart attack at the age of 40.  This was a shock.  Based on prior correspondence with my natural mother, this information had never even been alluded to.  Since she had so much information regarding my half-sisters (his other daughters), I guess I had just assumed she was still in contact with him.  However, I did find out that at least one of his daughters wants to have contact with me.  Additionally, she told me that his mother (who has been quite ill this last summer) wants to talk to me before she runs out of time.  I’m not sure how I feel about this.

On one hand, I want to know what my father was like.  Surely his mother would be the person to go to for this information.  I also want to know what he looked like.  Again, his mother would be good for this.  On the other hand, what if she’s angry that I was given up and all she does is throw insults at me about my natural mother.  I don’t think I could handle that – I’ve come to be quite fond of my natural mother.  What should I do?

All weekend I felt extremely uncomfortable about calling my adoptive parents “Mom”, “Dad”, and “My Parents”.  So, I finally asked her if it made her uncomfortable hearing me call them that.  She told me that it didn’t bother her.  They are my parents.  And, “Mom” & “Dad” are just names – names that I’ve known them as my whole life.  What she did want was for us to come up with a name for her that we were both comfortable with (instead of calling her by her first name).  I have NO IDEA what that should be.  I’m not very good with coming up with things like that.  I still call my in-laws by their first names (they wanted me to call them Mom and Dad).  Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

The rest of the weekend seemed to go pretty well.  We took them around and showed them a few of the sites.  I was given a letter from her (other) daughter to me.  It was wonderful to read about her.  She also gave me the information to her YouTube shows so I could see what she and her son look like.  It was WEIRD.  Her son looks just like me when I was his age.  Also, there were a few pictures of her that I would have thought were me had I not been absolutely sure I hadn’t been there to have the picture taken.  Also, my son looks a lot like her son.  Going from not looking like anyone to looking extremely similar to so many people (I think I’m closest to looking like my natural mother than I am to anyone else – it’s almost like looking in a mirror) is just mind-blowing.

After they left I did something stupid.  I think I was having a bit of a panic attack last night and wrote her an email telling her my fears that were relayed in this post.  Like I said – stupid.  I hope I didn’t upset her or scare her off by doing that.  Oh well, what’s done is done.  I can’t change it.

Well that’s all for now.  I’m waiting to hear if she wants for us to visit her over Columbus Day weekend. 

I’ll keep you updated.