In April 2014, Tranifesto celebrates five years as a blog. After a couple of shaky experimental posts, my first real blog post was Angie Zapata: A Historic Verdict, about the history-making verdict in the murder trial of Allen Andrade.

In the beginning, I posted almost every day – news items, opinion pieces, interviews, and whatever I thought was interesting or important. Pretty soon, the near-daily blogging became overwhelming, and I set up a twice-weekly schedule – Mondays and Thursdays.

And because I was getting so many questions privately, I decided to introduce the Ask Matt feature, so other people could benefit from the information and so that readers could give their input. That way, the questioner could get more than just my thoughts on the matter. While the feature started out slow, it became so popular that it’s pretty much what I’ve done on the blog for the past couple of years. I’ve loved it, and I think it’s been quite valuable. I hope that readers feel the same.

After a while, twice a week became a little difficult to keep up, and I changed my posting schedule to once a week, but with the amount of Ask Matt letters that came in, I usually ended up writing two posts anyway. I am now caught up on Ask Matt letters. If you wrote one to me and it didn’t get published, it’s because I didn’t get it. Sometimes things online can go astray. My intention was to answer every one.

So now I’m caught up, and I’m moving into the five-year mark. I spent some time thinking about what I wanted to do to celebrate five years of Tranifesto, and I finally decided – I want to take a break. At least I want to take a break from posting on a regular schedule. I doubt that I will ever take a break from writing, or from voicing my opinion on things, or from trying to help where I can. But for now, Tranifesto is staying up as a resource, and I will add new posts as the urge strikes me.

In order to make Tranifesto more user-friendly, I changed all my categories, and then I went back through every post that I have written over the last five years and re-categorized them all. I hope that this will allow people to more easily find the information they are looking for. For an explanation of the categories and links to all the posts under a specific category, go to my About Tranifesto page.

I also hope to update and expand my Resources and Links page. I know that there are many more resources out there. I just haven’t had time to gather them all and add them.

For five years, this blog has been a labor of love (the Google ads that some of you see are not mine – WordPress puts them up in order to generate revenue so that they can continue to offer a free blogging service), and I’m very proud of it. I was honored with Best Blog in the first-ever TransGuys Community Awards in 2010. I was also honored to be part of the inaugural Trans 100. I’ve put a lot of work into it and it has gone from a handful of readers to several thousand, all over the world.

But the best part of it has been the readers. My readers have come through with incredible advice for the people who have written in to Ask Matt. They have engaged in fantastic, thought-provoking discussions. And even when they have disagreed with me, or with other commenters, they have been polite and respectful of everyone’s thoughts and opinions. My readers have made this blog successful, and they are really the ones who have helped so many of the people writing in. I thank all of you so much. There are not words to express my gratitude for your support and your existence.

This is starting to sound like a eulogy! Tranifesto is not dying, and neither am I (I hope, but there are never any guarantees – I will let you know, though, if I’m given any warning). I’m just taking a break. I hope that my subscribers will stay subscribed, because I plan to continue to post – just not on a regular schedule. And this break will allow me to complete – or start – some other projects that I have been working on, or at least contemplating, so you will get those announcements as well when I post them here.

In the meantime, if you haven’t read all the posts on this blog (there are 611 of them), take some time and poke around. They are all neatly categorized now, so find the areas that interest you and see what’s there. Dig deep and you will find some of my earliest stuff.

Thanks again for all your help and support. Stay tuned. In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator – I’ll be back.

Thanks in advance for your comments and suggestions for these readers. I think I’ve said this before, but I can never say it enough – thanks for reading and thanks for your support.

A reader writes: “I’m 17, a junior in high school, and FTM. I live at home currently with my mother and sister. I came out about a year ago.

“My mum’s response had been ‘I saw this coming. I’ll love you for whoever you are.’ The next day she clarified that whoever I am isn’t a man. Biggest bubble burst of a lifetime. If she had said she wasn’t okay with it from the beginning, I would have felt better than I did about the whole thing in the long run. The kicker is that she saw it coming and still doesn’t believe it.

“According to her I was a feminine child. I was actually very androgynous, but she doesn’t want to remember the Legos and remote control cars. She has this picture of me in her head as a women, and when saying I was feminine isn’t enough, she claims I’m just on a quest for perfection and the media has corrupted my mind with male supremacy. I don’t even know where she gets half of the ideas she spews at me.

“After a lot of struggle I confided in my doctor that I was trans and needed help because my mum was refusing to find me a therapist or let me go to the one I had found. The doctor helped me to get a therapist and I’ve been going for a few months. Secretly I purchased a binder and packer. Many fights arose from that. Now I’m able to wear them and everything is kind of okay.

“My problem is that I want to start hormones. I’ve been ready for a long time for this. My mother has shown no interest in any if the materials provided and has banned me from physically altering transition-related things while living under her roof.

“I realise that I won’t be able to do anything until I’m 18, but I’ll still be in high school then and living with her, so I still wouldn’t be able to start T even then. My only option is to move out. I haven’t been able to find a job as of yet but I’m still looking, although any job I can get at 17 won’t be enough to support me to get a home and hormones.

“I do have one alternative. My father is okay with my transition and willing to take me in, but he’s mentally unstable and sometimes abusive. On the other hand, I have my grandparents. They are very religious and don’t understand trans people. My grandma at least seems to want to understand. She helped me get my binder. But I don’t feel I could ask to live with them, and I don’t know if I could physically transition under their roof.

“I don’t know what to do. I need to continue my transition to keep my sanity, but I can’t stay here to do that. The one place I could for sure go, I don’t want to because of all of the bad past experience I’ve had with my father. And the one place I’d feel best at I don’t feel I could ask to stay. What can I do?”

This is a tough one. Your mother’s reaction is unfortunate, but when someone comes out, people’s first reaction to that is not always their true reaction. Sometimes after they have had time to think about it, they either become more or less open to and supportive of the situation than they were initially. Regardless, your mother has expressed to you how she truly feels, and now you know what you are dealing with.

Since you live with your mother now, have you talked to her about all of this? Have you told her that you are considering moving out and that you are weighing all these options? That might be the first place to start. Maybe if she realizes that you are serious about moving, she’ll be willing to work with you – at least after you turn 18. She might not agree to sign any papers for medical treatment while you’re still a minor, but she might be willing to turn the other way after you turn 18, as long as she doesn’t have to be involved.

I know she has said that she won’t permit any medically related transition steps as long as you’re living with her, but this could change if she knows you’re serious about moving out.

I would hesitate to tell you to move in with your father, because you say that he is unstable and abusive. He might support your transition now, but he could always change his mind, particularly if he started seeing physical changes take place. And this could trigger abusive behavior. If you move in with him and he starts to become abusive after you have already started hormones, then where do you have to go? I don’t see this as an option, really.

With regard to your grandparents, I would suggest that you have this conversation with them – but only after you’ve had it with your mother. If your mother won’t relent in any way, then I would recommend sitting down with your grandparents and telling them of your dilemma.

You don’t have to ask them if you can move in. Just tell them your situation and your struggle about staying with your mom and moving in with your dad. They might suggest that you move in with them. But I also don’t know if they are your mom’s parents or your dad’s parents, and that could make a difference as well with regard to how you approach them and what you say.

If they are your dad’s parents, for example, and you tell them that you are worried about their son’s mental instability and abusive behavior, and they are not aware of this or are in denial of this, that could be a problem with regard to your relationship with them. They might not want to hear that their son is unstable and abusive. If they are your mom’s parents, maybe they would be willing to “side” with you and try to reason with their daughter on your behalf.

Regardless, if your mom knows that your options are living with a potentially abusive man or with his parents (or her parents), she might decide that she would prefer that you stay at home with her. If that is the case, then she will need to at least tolerate what you decide to do after you turn 18.

You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Show her this letter if you want to. And if she does happen to be reading this, I would say to her, “Your child is going to do what he is going to do at some point in his life. You might decide not to permit it under your roof, but that’s not going to stop it from happening. Your child is experiencing emotional distress that is severe enough that he is contemplating moving out. Would it not be preferable for both of you if you worked through this together, knowing that it’s going to happen sooner or later (and probably sooner)? Going through transition is tough. Your child needs your support. Are you willing to put your own feelings aside in order to help him? He’s going to do this anyway. Wouldn’t you rather have him do this in a safe situation where he feels comfortable and supported?”

So that’s what I would suggest – a long, serious dialogue with your mom first. If that doesn’t pan out, then a long, serious dialogue with your grandparents. If neither of those options works out for you, then you’re going to have to make some decisions about what you can do and how long you can wait to do it.

Can you move out and get a roommate – or several? Do you have a friend who you can move in with? How much money would you actually need to move out on your own and get hormones? How could you get that money? You will need to sit down and plan your life, based on what you think you have to do.

And I’m not telling you that you absolutely can’t move in with your father. I don’t have the power to say that. I’m just saying that I personally can’t recommend it. You will do what you need to do, and what you need to do will become more apparent as you move forward. I wish you the best of luck.

Readers, what do you suggest?

A reader writes: “I’m in high school (Junior), but am very open about my gender identity (cross dress, bind, etc). At this point there isn’t a whole lot I can do about hormonal treatment or surgery. So instead I try to do what I can, at my age. I bind, as mentioned, and use a commercially available binder.

“It has been fine, but lately I’ve gotten a lot of pain, difficulty breathing, and nasty bruising on my rib-cage. I wear it too often as it is (about 12 to 14 hours a day, nearly every day), so I know the best thing to do would be to just stop wearing it so much.

“Unfortunately, this is a problem for me as my gender dysphoria has also gotten much more severe as of late (and includes thoughts of self-harm and things we don’t need to get into). It’s a difficult trade-off for me to consider – wear it less and hopefully not end up with a serious injury in the hospital and cause my dysphoria to be that much worse (which, when paired with my depression, anxiety, and raging teenage hormones can be a serious and kind of terrifying problem), or continue doing what I can to suppress (no pun intended) my dysphoria and likely end up in the hospital.

“My mother doesn’t take my depression or dysphoria seriously (it took her witnessing one of my most violent panic attacks to convince her to let me see the school therapist), so advice from her doesn’t help (especially when she doesn’t offer any).

“So that’s problem one. My other problem, which is much less serious, is standing to pee. I really would love to be able to stand to take a pee, but the price of commercially available STP devices that also function as packers is insane! Not to mention the harnesses! The cheapest set I found would still set me back by $50 that I do not have (a lot of money for a jobless teen who’s worried about affording college, a car, gas for that eventual car, animals, etc). Do you have any ideas in this regard?”

Last question first – have you tried a coffee can lid? I never got the hang of it, but a lot of guys use a plastic coffee can lid with the edge or lip part cut off so that it’s just a flat circle. Then they roll it into a kind of tube and pee through it. You can also buy a sheet of thin plastic at the hardware store and cut a coffee-lid-sized circle out of it. It’s explained here on TransGuys.com, along with other suggestions, tips, and links for the Stand to Pee situation.

As far as the binder, I have never worn one, so I will have to consult my readers with regard to this. However, one thing I would suggest is that, if you can afford it, you have a couple of different binders that you trade off. That way, skin that is irritated by one binder is given a break while you wear the other, and vice versa.

In addition, the difficulty breathing and the bruised rib cage sound to me as if your binder is too tight. I know you want it as tight as possible to do its job, but you might want to consider loosening it and possibly wearing a couple of layers of clothing – a T-shirt and a button-down shirt over that, or something similar – to add additional cover.

Ribs are sturdy, but they can be broken, and if your breathing difficulties continue even after you have removed your binder, you might want to consult with a doctor. It’s possible that you have injured a rib somehow and it’s pressing inward or preventing a lung from fully expanding or something similar.

Also, check out the Transguys.com feature Chest Binding 101. It’s a helpful guide that addresses some of your exact concerns.

Readers who bind or have bound, what do you think about this situation? And what are your Stand to Pee ideas?

I’m catching up, but still behind. Today we have two short letters that I have some thoughts about, but that I am unable to answer with much certainty, so I hope that readers can give these writers some additional information.

A reader writes: “I found your website while googling around on gender-neutral pronouns. My question, in brief, is this: Is it just me, or are gender-neutral pronouns mostly sought by people who were assumed to be cis women at birth?

“I love the idea of genderqueer and have happily appropriated the parts that work for me and read a fair amount of queer theory over the years. It occurred to me today that most of the third-way writing I have read is by people who no longer want to use girl-pronouns after being assigned she/her at birth, where as trans women tend to love getting access to (and perhaps ideally only using) the girl pronouns versus seeking some third way.

“I googled a bit hoping to find some evidence to the contrary, but didn’t find much. Perhaps I’m insufficiently thorough. Thanks in advance for your reply, and also for your patience with my question and any parts I may have phrased inelegantly or insensitively.”

I don’t know whether or not this is true, but it appears to me, as well, that the majority of people who prefer gender-neutral pronouns are those who were assumed to be female at birth. I do know some genderqueer-identified people who were designated male at birth who use “they,” and I know some who use “he” and “she” interchangeably. But again, the majority of people who I have found to use “they” or “ze” were designated female at birth.

I’m not aware of any statistics on this, or whether or not any surveys or studies have been done (if anyone knows, please fill us in), so my answer is coming from personal experience.

If my personal experience transfers to the larger culture (and I don’t know if it does or not), and I had to give my thoughts on why this might be, I would say that I think that the “gendered” life experience is different for those who are designated female at birth and those who are designated male at birth, and this causes potentially different responses to any feelings of gender incongruity.

It’s also possible that it has to do with the way that we treat male-designated people when they exhibit anything outside of the strict male gender norms that our culture prescribes for them. We tend to give female-designated people more latitude with regard to gender identity and expression. So there may be far more genderqueer-identified male-designated people out there than we realize. They simply may not make themselves known because of the discrimination and danger they might face.

It could also be that I’m just not in the right circles and am not aware of the number of genderqueer male-designated people. So I hope that we get some reader input with regard to this issue.

A reader writes: “I have found lots of information about female-to-male people, meaning born female, transitioning to male. What about masculine men (like me) who just want to get SRS (sex reassignment surgery) but stay masculine and manly as I am right now. I mean, I have no fantasy at all of being a woman or feminine, but just being total bottom with SRS to become total receptive partner of another man.”

I’ve heard about this, although I don’t think it’s too common. Because it’s not too common, and it has probably been under-explored in psychiatric and medical communities, it might be difficult to find a doctor who would perform this kind of surgery – at least in the United States.

There are doctors in some countries that I think are quite a bit more open to performing surgeries at a patient’s request, without a bunch of documentation from different professionals who have scrutinized and analyzed them and determined that this type of intervention is appropriate and necessary.

There might even be doctors in the U.S. who would do this, but I doubt if they are advertising it very publicly. Malpractice is a huge concern for any surgeon who performs irreversible surgery on “healthy” organs, particularly surgery as extensive as what you are asking about.

There are probably communities of men out there with similar desires. I don’t know where to find them, but perhaps someone reading this will know. If you can find these communities, you might be able to find doctors, and you might be able to find “success” and “regret” stories that can help you make decisions.

It’s also possible that a sex therapist who works with the gay community knows more about this and would be able to direct you or work with you on resources. Good luck.

Readers, what thoughts do you have?

As always, thank you for your patience as I work to get caught up. Thank you for your comments and suggestions for the writers. And thank you very much for reading!

Below we have two letters having to do with transition issues. The first is about the effects of hormones on mood, and the second deals with changing names and gender markers on transcripts. Here we go:

A reader writes: “I started ‘T’ (testosterone cypionate) one week ago at 100 mg. every two weeks, then will go up to 200 in three months. I started feeling a bit more agitated and quick to anger two days ago. I also feel sort of flat emotionally and a tad depressed.

“The first two days after injecting I felt calm, more peaceful, and good (probably because I was starting the process). I’m older at 53. Do these feelings settle down after a while? It’s becoming sort of a drag.”

They should settle down. Hormones can cause rapid mood changes and other feelings that you are not used to. Testosterone and estrogen can both affect mood, emotion, and feelings of general well-being. Your body is not used to this hormone. It has to adjust.

Testosterone can make some people feel agitated and angry. Strong agitation and anger is what body builders who are on steroids mean when they refer to “roid rage.” Not every trans guy experiences this, but it is not uncommon, and it should either lessen over time or you will adjust over time. It also should fluctuate as your body cycles through each dose (if you are injecting).

I personally think that testosterone suppresses some emotions, which could be why you feel emotionally flat. I am not able to cry as easily on T, and it’s not because I think that guys shouldn’t cry. I know a few guys who have gone off of T just to have a good cry once in a while. I also know a trans women who became very confused about why she was bursting into tears at the smallest provocation, because she had never done that before in her life. She had recently started estrogen. Aha!

The slight depression could also be the effects of T. I don’t think that you should be concerned right now. I think you should continue with your dose and let your body get used to the effects of this hormone. Of course, if the depression becomes worse, you need to talk to your doctor about it, but I think this is just your body adjusting to the hormone and if you wait it out, you should see this stabilize.

Readers, what have been your experiences?

A reader writes: “I have a friend who has transitioned from female to male and has legally changed his name. He is looking to have his school transcripts amended to reflect this change so that when he applies for jobs, his transcripts match his identification and he does not have to explain himself to anyone.

“Unfortunately, he attended a private religious college in Mississippi as a female, and they refuse to make the change. Their refusal is cloaked by the reasoning that he is no longer a student at the school, but that makes no sense, as that is what transcripts show – your PAST history somewhere.

“My friend is not able to afford legal counsel to fight this injustice. I thought that perhaps there might be an organization that can help him with his battle.”

Their reasoning is ridiculous, and I have a feeling that it is based on “morality” rather than school policy. I got my transcripts and diplomas changed easily at my former schools (for a small fee, I believe).

There are some organizations that deal with these types of injustices, but the problems are often much bigger in scope. However, that doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t try, because this will affect his ability to get some jobs for the rest of his life.

Possibilities are the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) in either his current state or in Mississippi; the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE); the Transgender Legal Defense & Education Fund (TLDEF); the Transgender Law Center; the National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR) (yes, they handle trans stuff); and the Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD). Readers might have other suggestions.

Not all of these organizations would necessarily handle something like this, but they could certainly refer you to other resources, if nothing else. They might also have suggestions about how to approach the school and if there are any laws or policies, in Mississippi or nationally, that cover this type of situation.

I wish you the best of luck! Readers – thoughts?

We have two letters below regarding testosterone – first, from someone who can’t take it, and next, from someone who doesn’t want to. I hope readers will chime in with their suggestions and personal experiences.

A reader writes: “Though I have had top surgery, no doctor will prescribe me T because of my health problems, and I cannot find it through other channels. Add that to crippling bottom dysphoria, being five feet tall, and being universally misgendered, I am not a happy guy.

“I have a fantastic long-term boyfriend, a queer cis guy who sees me as I really am, but my own angst is magnified by the way the rest of the world treats us. Either I am treated as his ‘little lady,’ with waiters handing him the check when I give my credit card, gay men saying I’m a fag hag, being called a butch dyke, or being offered ‘makeovers’ to ‘look like the pretty girl stuck under the boy costume’ (oh, the irony).

“My boyfriend and I try to explain endlessly about me being a trans guy, and we get met with reactions ranging from puzzlement (‘I know a trans guy who really looks like a guy, but you don’t, and I can only think of you as a butch girl’) to laughter (‘You’re joking’) to hostility (‘You’re a crazy bitch and he’s a closeted fag’). I wish I could let all this misgendering go, because obviously our explanations aren’t making it better, but I just can’t.

“So, my question is twofold. Firstly, when I came out in 1999, we needed therapist letters (which I had for my surgery) to get treatment. Now, there are informed consent clinics to give you hormones even without letters, but they do require blood tests. Do you think in the future they will waive this requirement, too, or at least let people like me get hormones if we sign an affidavit indemnifying them from liability? There is no guarantee that hormones will worsen my physical issues, but my gender angst has gotten worse over the last 15 years to the point where I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.

“Secondly, do you have any tips to make going out in the public eye easier for the constantly misgendered trans man and his boyfriend, who himself is tired and hurt by the way his love for me, and also his own identity and motivations, are misconstrued? Am I being delusional in the first place to expect anyone to respect my gender identity when, despite my teenage goatee, big muscles, low voice, flat chest, and boyish style/haircut, I am still very short and not on T?”

In response to your first question, I think it is unlikely that even informed consent clinics will change their policy on blood tests, because there is just too much liability involved. Even if you sign a paper releasing them from all responsibility, that might not hold up in court. We have become a lawsuit-happy country.

We sue tobacco companies (and win), even though we choose to smoke. We sue McDonald’s (and win), even though we choose to eat junk food. So even though it is obvious that we are making our own choices, we can still assign blame and win in court. Doctors and clinics are aware of this. Even when a person’s blood tests come out fine, that person still has to sign something saying that he/she/ze understands the risks of hormones. If medical risks are obvious, as determined by blood tests, regardless of what you’ve signed, medical malpractice might be an issue.

I’m not a lawyer, so that’s just my opinion, but I wouldn’t pin my hopes on this. I don’t agree with the line of reasoning that denies hormones to someone just because those hormones might negatively impact an existing health problem, just like I don’t agree with withholding a life-saving cancer treatment from someone who is dying just because it might kill them (they’re dying anyway – let them take that chance), and just like I don’t agree with cutting of someone’s testicles because the testosterone that he is naturally producing is exacerbating his health condition (they don’t this one, that I know of).

You might have already done this, but I would recommend getting a second, and even a third, opinion. When you say “no doctor” will prescribe it, how many have you been to? Have you tried a specialist, like an endocrinologist? Have you tried a very trans-friendly, trans-experienced doctor who is willing to closely monitor your situation and try different dosages and delivery methods? If there is no certainty that testosterone will negatively impact your current health condition, then maybe starting with a low dose and seeing what happens, then increasing the dose if all goes well, is a possibility.

But it’s possible that you have tried all these avenues and have not been successful. I do know some guys who have used DHEA supplements in lieu of testosterone, although I’m not sure how effective they have been or if they have produced any real results. Maybe readers can let us know.

As far as going out in public and being misgendered, I have no real advice, other than to let it go, which you say that you can’t do. I understand why you can’t. I understand how difficult this must be on both you and your partner. And I would definitely dump the puzzled, laughing, and hostile friends and find a better crowd. I would also skip a lot of the explanations. When you meet new people, you (or your boyfriend) can say, “I”m John. This is my boyfriend, Jim.” If they’re rude enough to question that, I would move on.

But that isn’t going to help you with strangers. The way that you describe yourself, it seems as if you possess many traditionally masculine physical characteristics, so I’m not sure why you are always being misread. There are a lot of short trans and non-trans guys out there. It’s also possible that you are not being misread as much as you think.

Straight people who don’t have a lot of experience with gay men (or lesbians) assume that there is a “man” and a “woman” in a same-sex relationship – or at least someone who takes on those heteronormative roles. It’s quite possible that the wait staff in restaurants do see you as a gay couple, but they assume that your boyfriend is the “man” in the relationship, and so they give him the check. If they call you “ma’am,” that’s a different story. But if they treat you like the “passive” partner or the “woman” in the relationship, this could just shows their lack of understanding of same-sex relationships.

You might want to ask some trusted friends why they think this is happening to you (the misgendering by strangers, I mean – the misgendering by acquaintances is because they know you’re trans and they don’t understand what that means). Maybe there are other things that you could do to be perceived as male in the world, but if those things are not who you are, then it might not be worth it.

It’s easy for me to tell you to let it go, focus on your great relationship, and narrow down your friends to a group who you both feel comfortable with and who respect both of you for who you are. It’s harder to do that. But I don’t have a good alternative.

Readers, any suggestions?

A reader writes: “I’m not exactly trans, and I’m definitely not cisgender. I’m genderqueer/ genderfluid. My main difficulty is that lately I have felt very male and I’ve felt very hormonally ‘off.’ I feel a need to have a testosterone boost, yet know the effects are permanent.

“I still experience some gender dysphoria and would like better muscle tone, but other than that I do not wish to alter my appearance except to be more chiseled. I need to FEEL stronger, more confident, more like a man. I feel like too much estrogen is preventing me from feeling ‘right.’ I have a girlfriend and want to feel stronger for myself, but also in our relationship. Is there some supplement out there I can take as an alternative to testosterone that would feel like testosterone without changing my body?”

As I mentioned in the letter above, the only thing I am aware of is DHEA. I do know some guys who have tried this to become more muscular and to feel more masculine, either because they can’t or don’t want to take testosterone. This is a supplement that you can get at a health food or sports-nutrition store.

The Mayo Clinic website, linked to above, says, “Women may experience symptoms such as oily skin, increased unnatural hair growth, a deep voice, irregular periods, smaller breast size, and increased genital size.”

For the women of whom they speak, these are side effects that they probably don’t want. For some trans and genderqueer people, these might be welcome side effects. But you for, even these effects might be too much. However, this is the only supplement I am aware of that might get you what you want.

Readers, any other suggestions?

In the past ten days or so, I have been overloaded with Ask Matt questions. I was catching up, and now I’m far behind. In order to maintain my sanity and not irritate readers who might have to wait a month to have a question answered, I am putting a hold on the feature right now to allow me to catch up. So I will be answering the questions that I currently have in queue, but I will not be taking any new questions.

For those who have questions, I recommend going to my About Tranifesto page, which explains my various blog categories (on the right-hand column of this blog). I have redone my blog categories in an attempt to give readers an easier way to navigate the blog to find the information they might be looking for. Hopefully, you will be able to get your question answered, at least in part, by reading similar questions and answers.

And never forget to read the Comments section of any posts that you find helpful. My readers are great at relating their own experiences and offering a variety of thoughts and opinions, giving you a lot of information to think about and a lot of views to consider in making your decisions.

In these two letters, we look at the confusion around, and intersections of, sexual orientation and gender identity. Here we go:

A reader writes: “I’m dating a trans man now and it’s been amazing. I’m still slightly confused as I have always considered myself as a straight female and have always seen him as male, but at the same time I’ve accepted that for the moment he is still female and am willing to do stuff with him (obviously, haha).

“I know labels are not the best way to go about things, but I’m not sure of how else I can understand what I am feeling? I hope this doesn’t come across as naive or stupid. I’m just a little bit confused.”

It’s not uncommon for those who are dating trans people to become confused about their own sexual orientation. For you, it seems pretty straight-forward – you’re a straight woman dating a trans guy, so you’re a straight woman … because he’s a guy.

I would argue that he is not “still female.” I think what you mean is that he has not had any type of genital surgery. Maybe you even mean that he is not taking hormones. But if he’s living as a man, then he’s not female. And if you see him as male, then he’s not female to you, either.

Just because he has a different body type from what you might be used to doesn’t negate any of that. If you’ve been with several men in your life, you know that their body types vary widely, even though they all might have come closer to the particular prototype or representation that we have of a “standard” male body than your current lover’s body does. No matter. He’s a man, you’re a woman, and the label for that type of relationship in Western culture is “straight.”

Now, you don’t have to call yourself straight if you don’t want to. You can always change labels to suit you. But I would argue that you have not changed sexual orientations. You are attracted to men and you’re dating a man.

So I would say that not a lot has changed for you. I don’t think you should worry about it, really. When you engage in sexual activity, it might be slightly different at first from what you are used to (or it might not be), but just keep the lines of communication open, and you’ll be fine.

A reader writes: “My 19-year-old son came out to us as gay when he was 17. Although he has never had any relationship with anybody, I understand that he is attracted to males and have absolutely no issues with him being gay. Now that he is 19 (still no relationships), he is saying he thinks he is transsexual, which I just don’t see in him.

“He is a math-nerd type, very logical, extremely bright, not at all into image. Hates the typical female stuff like shopping or dressing up or fashion. Very male mind – into fantasy/anime/sci fi.

“I just don’t see it and am afraid he will further isolate himself and become less happy should he move forward. He is going to see a counselor that works with LGBT issues, but I don’t want to label him as trans if he is not truly. Am I mistaken to think that most MTF persons would have more fem traits? Please help.”

You’re not mistaken to think that most MTF persons would have more feminine traits, but you’re not entirely accurate, either. There are plenty of trans women who always exhibited “feminine” traits. But I also know trans women who used to be burly, bearded truck drivers. I know trans women who used to be Navy Seals. I know trans women who hate shopping and dressing up (and I know lots of non-trans women who do, too). I also know trans women who used to be (and still are) math nerds into fantasy/anime/sci fi (and I know lots of non-trans women who are, as well).

So I would not use those things as markers or clues with regard to your child’s identity. The fact that she has not had any dates (that you are aware of) does not mean anything, either. It’s possible that she has not dated or had relationships because she was struggling with her own identity and not sure who she should or might want to date. (I use the female pronoun because, at this point, your child has told you that she is trans. A gender neutral pronoun might also be appropriate. I’m just not sure, based on what I know at this time.)

It’s not unusual for young people (or any person) to confuse gender identity with sexual orientation, even today, when there are so many resources available online. In fact, when a person is grappling with his or her gender identity, that person might believe that he or she is gay or lesbian, because that’s the only thing that seems to remotely make sense, even though it just doesn’t feel quite right.

Your child is going to see a specialist. That is the most important thing. That specialist will help her sort things out. Once she is able to sort that out, she will also be able to determine who she (or he) is attracted to. But don’t let the fact that your child is not “traditionally” female, that your child has come out before as gay, or that your child is not dating influence you. None of these things mean anything with regard to whether or not your child is trans. Let your child and the therapist work this out, and trust your child to know her own mind. Your child is on the right track. Let things take their course.

Readers, thoughts about these two issues?