The Incomplete Chronicles of the Mama-Me

Your normal is their magic!

Power through…

"People are shitty for a lot of reasons.
Sometimes they're just shitty people.
Sometimes people have been shitty to them and, even though they don't realize it, they take that shitty upbringing and go out into the world and treat others the same way.
Sometimes they're shitty because they're afraid. Sometimes they choose to be shitty to others before others can be shitty to them.
So it's like self-defensive shittiness."

Jennifer Niven, Holding Up the Universe

My biggest struggle this Ramazan has been to shake off this weird feeling, of being irrelevant and invisible, that I often get. 

I’ve been meaning to blog about it but I think putting it out there is a good first step. 

The Islamic month of Ramzan is possibly my most favourite month of all. And it is indeed a great blessing to share it with family in good health and happiness, for which I am super grateful to Allah amina. 

Last year when Leena kept her first “half” roza, there was lots of excitement all around. One reason it was extra special was because she asked to keep it not because we suggested it and that made it more meaningful. She has always been spiritually curious and it’s been challenging to find a good balance in what I tell her. I always want for her to love Allah, feel close to him and think of him in a friendlier and approachable way rather than as someone who is there only to punish you when you slip up and do something wrong. 

As a build up to Ramzan, and also because she’s more in tune with what’s happening around her we decided to spend the days leading up to it by distributing chilled bottles of water and biscuits to different  people on the roads. 

Right after lunch she would go and freeze the bottles with her little sister tagging behind and line up the biscuits on the counter. Come evening, we would set off and look for those hardworking souls. I told her to keep a lookout for labourers, sweepers, traffic policemen, those working under the sun or anyone she felt really looked tired and pulled down. 
I was amazed at her confidence as twice she went up to certain people to hand them the water and snack; one, an elderly lady mopping up outside the stores in Delawala, and two, an electricity repairman climbing into his truck. 

After our first evening it warmed my heart when she remarked “Mama I felt so nice inside” and I wholeheartedly agreed with her. 

May the spirit of giving bring blessings and joy to everyone this Ramzan. 

In the playroom this evening while playing with the 2 A’s, I suddenly noticed that Aryaan was sitting silently holding a clear plastic plate to his face. He stayed frozen that way for the few seconds it took me to realise that he was waiting for me to exclaim “Where’s Aryaan? Where’s Aryaan? Oh there he is!” 

As he hit the 10 month mark at the beginning of this month he’s really come into his own and developed quite a personality. Fake laughing, copying inflections, choosing favourites, recognising books, it feels so strange that this little little baby is becoming a little boy now. 

Mismatched shoes. Weird or different and quirky? 

These days we are really trying to instil in the girls that nobody can define them. One persons strange can be another’s unique and they should always proudly do what their heart tells them. They should celebrate their quirks proudly no matter how others react. 

This comes at a time when the 6 year old is struggling with kids who have already boxed themselves and easily term things “baby-ish” or odd, or laugh at mistakes and differences or call out things for being too girly or too boyish. 

In the process of teaching her that nothing is baby-ish or too girly or boyish or crazy if she enjoys it and if it makes sense to her. Nothing is weird or odd or ridiculous if her brain tells her it’s interesting. And that only small minded people will make fun of someone else’s differences, someone’s colour, someone’s body, and that it in no way reflects her and her choices. (Thank you Beauty and the Beast for that word, and thank you to the people who told them they looked awesome.)

#celebratedifferences

That saying about having a kid is like forever having your heart walk outside your body. Well it’s so damn true. This business of growing children to be half decent adults is super challenging and so ongoing. 
A few weeks back while waiting for the car after school with the kids, Leena and I noticed a boy pointing to something in her general direction and going “it’s so weird, it’s so weird! What kind is that? It’s so weird!” 

It took me a split second to realise what he was referring to. Leena and Aanya both have these water bottles from Nike in different colours and they love exchanging their top spouts which means that if Leena’s bottle is purple she will use Aanya’s red bottle top and vice versa. They love the mismatch and think it makes their bottles look funky and also less likely to get lost. So this little kid had the same bottle and couldn’t for the life of him fathom her “weird” bottle. 

“Mama why is he calling my bottle weird” 

“I don’t know Leena. I think he hasn’t seen one like it before?”

” Just because he hasn’t seen one like it doesn’t mean it’s weird! Why can’t he say it’s different or creative?”

“That is very true!” 

By this time the little kid had turned to his group of friends seemingly relating his “weird” discovery as a bunch of heads were staring at Leena and we could only hear “weird, weird, it’s so weird.”

I glanced over at her to make sure she wasn’t feeling uncomfortable and saw her smiling.

She turned to me, gesturing openly to the group of boys, “Look mama, now he’s telling his friends that my bottle is weird” she said with a laugh. 

At that moment our car came and we left. 

Inside the car I told her, “You know your bottle is super funky right? And I love that it’s so different” 

“I know mama. I love it too. That boy called it weird because he hasn’t seen one like it. Well he should have just used his imagination! I think tomorrow I’ll use a pink cap on the purple bottle! Then he will think it’s super weird!”
The point of this thread is not what happened and what was said and what transpired. That is completely irrelevant because while yes kids will be kids is not an excuse (like boys will be boys), they are after all little kids who need guidance. Chances are kids this small don’t always do or say things with the intent to hurt, but as an adult I know that, would my 6 year old know that? She could have reacted differently; could have felt horrid about the encounter too.
All kids come under pressure and do things that are uncharacteristic not because they are mean or horrible, but because instinctively they didn’t understand how to channel those big feelings or know they had another unless they are regularly talked to about this. I feel that in our efforts to teach our kids kindness, we often don’t realise what a huge word/task that is. 
Posting article upon article and reading it makes us feel like we have accomplished something in parenting, I mean even I feel it. Sometimes reading an article makes you feel that you’ve done the same when you actually haven’t even tried it with the kids. 
Telling kids to be kind is extremely abstract. What does it even mean? We should start by telling kids that children who are different, who have different likes, different abilities, different views are not strange or weird. That the world is made up of differences. That everyone has a right to their choices and our words should be good. That our words should be respectful. Help them understand what kind words are and help them replace “weird” and other words that could be hurtful with creative, imaginative, funky, spunky, cool or any positive word they like, even Roald Dahlesque in essence. Help them understand “how” they can be kind (at school more since that is where they make their independent decisions the most without us on the radar) helping a teacher carry books, playing with someone who looked alone, encouraging a class mate who is struggling to finish work, sharing with friends, complimenting someone’s abilities, etc.

The two things I ask Leena when she comes home apart from “Did you have a fun day?” are “what kind thing did you do today?” and “what was the one thing that made you really happy?” 

When kids realise what kind of actions make them happy, they are more likely to emulate and repeat those towards others.
Let’s not assume that our kids are automatically kind because we tell them to be. Even grownups have unkind days. Arm your kids! Teach them HOW to be kind and respectful. 

My kids are a constant work in progress; they have their good days when they are lovely and days when they are simply horrid but we try our best to take it one day at a time, one kind thought forward, being the best “WE” we can be. 

Why is human nature so funny? 

Why do we burden a soul that is already dealing with its own troubles?

Why do we fight to be heard but never give our loved ones a chance to speak? 

Why do we use our own as punching bags? 

Why do we assume that we are the only ones at the tipping point? 

Why do we think our words don’t hurt? 

Why do we feel it’s better to say it all than keep it inside when we don’t want to hear what somebody else has inside of them? 

Why do we force people to feel big even if they want to hide? Why do we think that’s what is better for them? Who are we to know? 

Who are we to constantly label others or peg them down as a certain type regardless of their struggles to improve? We don’t know anyone’s personal battles and not everyone lives a public social media life.

Who are we to want respect when we show a severe lack of it? 

Why do we think everyone else is responsible for our happiness? 

Why do we give such little importance to someone else’s story? 

Why is our ego such a b****?

A very late but much needed new year resolution in my life prompted by my inability to take compliments and the need to either put down, wave off or deflect praise directed towards me and my abilities as pointed out and noticed by F. 

1. I resolve to not react to compliments paid to me by well wishers, friends or merely observers for the things I do with my kids, how I raise them and being inspired by me by:

• waving off the compliment
• responding “I’m sure everyone does the same”
• endorsing someone’s insulting view that since I don’t have a job it must be relaxing to do so much (it’s not! In fact sometimes it’s worse) 
• smiling awkwardly and saying “but so and so does so much more.”

Instead I will attempt to:

• smile and say “thank you for your kind words”
• accept the praise
• Believe wholeheartedly that I deserve the praise
• Believe that it is absolutely possible to have people admire me for me
• Believe that people understand my daily struggles yet still choose to see me in a positive light 
• Believe that I can be an inspiration to many without having to prove my worth to them 
• Believe in myself! 

We constantly try to instil kindness in the little people we are growing but fail to realise that we must also be kind to ourselves. 

So I resolve with all my heart to be kind first and foremost to my self because it’s about time I realised that I’m pretty damn worth it too. I try my damned best every day of my life and that always accounts to something. 

No excuses! I’ll take that compliment, thank you very much! 

When Leena turned 4 we had talked about making bucket lists for the year and trying to do as many of those things as we possibly could. 

Besides creating a feeling of adventure it’s always very exciting to mark off things and experiences with a tick and even now we keep adding to our bucket lists.

My 4 year old’s bucket list for 2014:

– Ride a princess horse at the beach baba will ride the brown prince horse

– ride a camel

– swimming at gymkhana with baba alone

– Camping with mama baba and Aanya

– sleepover with Leila 

– sleepover with nanna

– go to the zoo with Leila and nadir and aanoo

– Visit my baby brother saamir

– eat cotton candy pink

– go to a lake to see swans

– go to park towers

– go to a drum parade

This summer we decided that each new term should be faced with two challenges; things we cannot do and must learn. It could be anything and the idea is to keep trying and not give up till are successsful.
Leena started this year with two desires; one was to learn how to ride a two wheelie bike and second to learn how to play basketball. 
It’s been amazing watching her determination with desire number one and last week after much practicing (by herself) and falling, she mastered the two wheelie. 

It has been a big boost to her confidence and self esteem. 
Another thing she expressed interest in was photography so in order to encourage her to take photographs of life in general and introduce her to documentation we created her very own (very private) Instagram account which for now serves its purpose as a memory book. She knows about it and occasionally snaps pictures using my phone and tells me how to caption them. 

Leena reminds me so much of myself. She has these big feelings and sometimes they spiral out of control. We are teaching her that it’s ok to say no to people you love if you want your voice to be heard once in a while. We are teaching her to really love herself, that she has to be her own hero, that she needs to better herself every day so that the Leena of yesterday is proud of the Leena of tomorrow! 

She worries me, amazes me, excites me and scares me. Every day I wonder if we are doing this thing right, because let’s face it, parenting is just so very hard. 

My wish for her is to never lose her forgiving nature, her inability to hold a grudge that makes her heart so pure and happy, the way she views the world, the magic and wonder it holds for her because that is going to be her strength forward.