Lucky Me

Just three short weeks away from welcoming my new baby girl into the world….so I’ve come here to sort out my feelings. Is that even possible when you are a hormonal prego who can’t rationalize most things?? HA! I am full of joy and expectation as I think about holding her in my arms, nuzzling her sweet smelling skin, nursing her, and rocking her in the night when the rest of the world is sleeping. Funny how 9 months ago, when I saw that POSITIVE show up on that test, I just couldn’t imagine how in the world we were going to survive another baby. And while we haven’t quite “survived” her yet, my heart has changed so much and I know, no matter what, we will make it. Somehow God always seems to provide and always seems to be a step ahead of us in the planning process of life. Of course typing that out seems silly, because He is GOD, so why would I expect any less? But as a human I so often forget and somehow think I can take matters into my own hands. It is so fitting that this baby girl will be named Jada. The meaning of her name is “He knows”. We’ve had that name picked out since we were pregnant with Reese, and planned to use that name if Baxton was a girl, and now we’ll be naming this little princess Jada. And when I think about the fact that He knew, even when I was crying tears over a baby I was releasing to heaven, even when we were struggling to find our way as new parents to Baxton, even when He planted this baby girl inside of me against what we thought were good plans. He has always known, and will continue to always know, exactly what we need for each season of our life as a family of 4. And not only does He know, but He will provide, in His perfect timing. I am nervous about being a mom of 2. And mostly, I am nervous about how it is going to affect my sweet little buddy Bax. He couldn’t be any more of a momma’s boy and sharing his momma time with another is not going to be easy for him. I have prayed for months, prepared him as best as I can, and spent a lot of time with him just soaking him up, spending time the 2 of us, and lots of time the 3 of us. The rest is up to God to help his little self adjust to all the changes. I am hoping he is going to do just fine! This time around is so different than when I was pregnant with Baxton, and I am thankful that I do not have near the anxiety that I did when I was this pregnant with him. But I do still have concerns and fears and I am daily trying to lay them at his feet and trust that He has it under control. I am trying to enjoy every kick and punch and roll as in a few weeks she won’t be IN THERE anymore! The miracle of life is actually inside me and while I hurt, and ache, and have so many ailments that I’m pretty much just miserable, I want to treasure the last few weeks with her inside me, and enjoy growing her until she’s ready to be born. And of course I want to enjoy the last weeks with just Bax. I have been praying for God to bring the right nurses to our room, to bring the right people along our path, to give us exactly who and what we need to go through everything smoothly. This post was written 2 weeks ago and is incomplete. What can I say?...I have momma brain and prego brain! :)

I have a whole lot of random things on my mind so I'm just going to start writing and this post will just be a random mish mash of my thoughts.

I worry too much. I think I have gotten better over the years, but its still there. The constant nag in the back of my mind worrying about things I cannot change. I am going to be the mother of 2 small children in just a few shorts months, and that concerns me. How can I do it all? How can I find balance in all of my roles when I have yet to find balance with just being the mother of one? I am afraid I wont be able to give each of them my all. I am afraid I wont be able to work full time, be a wife, a mother, and to do it all well. I am afraid Bax is going to feel deprived. I am worried I will never sleep again, and my husband will start to feel the affects of a tired wife who has too much on her plate and has a hard time making time for him. I am nervous about it all, how I will afford it all, how it will all work out. And I am afraid God isnt listening and is never going to give me my dream of being a stay at home mom.

Which leads me to...I need to give myself more grace. Thanks to a dear friend for reminding me last week. I've known all along, I dont HAVE to be everything. I need to fall into his grace and his mercies each day, open up to God and let Him know how very weak I feel, and trust that He is in control still in the midst of what sometimes feels like out of control days! But I struggle so much with not having to be perfect. Trust me, I know I am far from it. I am a an overweight mother who gives in to my child when I'm tired and doesnt give my husband enough attention. So I get that I am not perfect. But I try so hard to be so much and all I do is wear myself out. I try to coordinate my life exactly how I want it and I try to make my own plans for my future when I am clearly not in control. I AM ENOUGH. He gives me what I need each and every day to be all that I need to be.

I have a shirt that says "Worlds Okayest Mom". And I think its hilarious, because I am okay with not being perfect. I am okay with my kid wearing mismatched socks and needing a haircut and with my hair not being perfectly colored and I am even okay with not being a skinny mini...until I am around others who I see as perfect. And suddenly I feel like less than enough. Like I need to take better care of myself and my family and like I should be embarassed that we arent perfectly pulled together everytime we go out in public. Why do I do that? Why dont I just let me, Bax, and Bobby be who we are? Why am I okay with that around some people but around others I find myself making excuses? We dont live a picture perfect life, but when I look at the pictures of our life, they are perfect to me. All I need is my little family of 3 (soon to be 4) to be happy, and nothing more. So enough excuses. Enough trying to measure up.

Next order of business...I just have to say...Bax is my little buddy right now and I really, really, like him. He is so much fun, so full of happiness and joy and smiles and laughter and I just cant get enough of him. I want to eat his little face up every time I am with him and hearing him say "Mommy I love you sooo much, I love you four five" my heart just melts. He is talking so much and actually having conversation as opposed to just using words and all I want to do is soak up every single moment with him so I dont forget exactly what he is like right at this moment. Bobby and I really have so much fun with him and while there are lots of fits, lots of tired moments (for me and him) and while some days I dont know how if I can dish out one more spanking, I really really just like that little boy and enjoy being with him.

Last order of business...Last Sunday we went to church to hear Perry Stone speak. I love Perry and Pam, but Perry's messages have never been up my alley. He talks SOOO fast and speaks on the end times which really just quite frankly scare me, but last week, he might have been preaching just to me. He talked about speaking to our mountains and not just allowing them to be a conversation piece in our lives. Can I just say, I have been doing that?! I have been sitting around griping about my mountains and not doing anything about them. So this past week I have been speaking to my mountains, I have been telling my mountains what is UP! :) I have been believing in faith for many things in my life and I believe I will see them come to pass. Thanks Perry for the best message I've ever heard you preach!

I think that about sums things up for today. Just needed to get some thoughts out on paper so I can free my mind of them :)

* Freshly manicured nails.

* Picking my boy up from school every day. Its like a reunion of sorts, like we've been seperated for months.


* My lover. When he gives me sweet compliments, takes me on a date, or just snuggles up to me at night. Being his wife makes me smile.



* Putting Bax to sleep every night, holding him until he falls limp...

*...And then, moving Bax to his crib (this is a new miracle for us)

* This tiny baby, flittering in my stomach, growing every day in a miracle I'll hold in my arms.



* Bobby taking Bax to the store to buy him a new train set, and seeing the joy in both of their faces as they set it all up and play with their new toy.



* Getting away for the weekend with my lifelong friend and having girl time.



* A clean house.

* Cooking a hot dinner for my family.

* Oreos.

* Hearing Bax sing "Bless the Lord oh my soul, OHOHOHOH my soul, worship His holy name".

* A text from my mom or dad, halfway around the world.

* A belly laugh coming from just about anyone, but especially from my little dude.

....I sure hope you know what you're doing better than I know what I'm doing! You are just full of surprises aren't you?! Really, another Baby Hall, NOW? I am thankful, please dont get me wrong, but the timing couldnt be more off....at least from my perspective. I trust you, and so I believe you know what is best. But in my human mind I cant see how its all going to work out. We cant afford another baby! My emotions are running crazy. Scared, happy, anxious, nervous, excited. They are all over the board. Between puking sessions I stop and think....wow, what have we gotten into?! My heart has always been to have another baby, and I know with time, as we process this, our hearts will grow excited and our love for this baby will be evident. But right now, I'm scared. And so I'm trusting like I never have before, and believing that in your grand plan, 2013 is going to be better than we ever expected. Full of surprises, full of provision, and full of change for our little family of...FOUR. Holy freaking cow.

{update}
I wrote this post almost 2 months ago when I first found out I was pregnant with this little blessing. Boy has my heart changed. While I am still unsure of how it's all going to work out, I am already seeing Gods hand in all of this. Like how can it be coincidence that just weeks after we find out we're pregnant, a new job practically falls in Bobby's lap?! It's not, it was totally God. And folks its only February. I continue to trust God and believe that He works all things out for our good, and while baby Hall is a surprise to us, he or she is NO ACCIDENT and is not a surprise to God. So 2013, here we go! Lets see what else is in store for us this year!!

This song has been speaking volumes to my heart. I'm dealing with not knowing what my future holds, and the worry that its not all going to be alright. This song says it all. He's already there. My favorite line....when I'm lost in the mystery, to you my future is a memory. Thank you God for having this song played exactly when I need it.

What a month it has been! I think its safe to say that November has been the hardest month Baxton and I have had since he was a newborn. The month started with taking the bink away, which at the time I thought went quite smoothly, but things went downhill from there. Baxton has been sick twice and I’ve been sick twice and to say the month has been hard would be an understatement. I refuse to say the twos are “terrible” because even in the rough times, life with Baxton is great, but boy has it been a difficult month. I cant blame it all on Baxton. I have to take most of the blame because my patience has been short and I’m trying to learn to deal with stress in ways I’ve never had to before. But we are learning together. I’m learning that a cup of tea while watching my boy play in the bath can be a cure-all on a rough night. That sometimes you just have to let the tears fall in the shower and leave them in the shower drain when you step out. I’m learning that for our family, bed sharing isnt going to work. Which unfortunately means we probably have a few more rough nights ahead of us because little boy thinks when you’re sick, you sleep with mom and dad, and when you’re done being sick, you still sleep with mom and dad. And to top the month off, Baxton started a new daycare this week but I am proud to say, he did excellent on his first day there. I really think he’s going to love it there.

Its funny, this feeling of being so wanted and needed, yet feeling like sometimes you cant even catch your breath because there’s a bubba hanging on your leg. I mean don’t we all grow up wanting to be loved, needed, and wanted? And in return, I love, need, and want Baxton more than I can explain. He lights up my world and brings smiles to me every day. I’m not really making any sense here, and that’s okay, because I’m just trying to get my feelings out on paper. Its time to move forward. December is a big month and we have a lot to celebrate! Little man is turning two. TWO. How can he already be two? We have birthdays to celebrate and Christmas to celebrate and way too much fun stuff to be stuck in a rut of complaining and crying and throwing pity parties for ourselves every step of the way.



This week I’ve finally been able to catch my breath once or twice. It started in front of the Christmas tree while Bax and Daddy were taking a bath. I literally sat there and cried my eyes out, remembering the year I found out I was pregnant. At first I thought I was pregnant with Bax when I sat in front of that tree, but then I remembered I was actually pregnant with Reese. I sat there and thanked God for the gift He had given me after many months of prayer. Today, I am just as thankful. For my baby in heaven and my baby here on earth. Funny how November is the month of “thankfulness” yet I let my struggles get way more attention than my thanks. Last night, again during bathtime, I found a moment to gather my thoughts, and leave them where I sat.


I’m determined to make December a much better month. Even if things go wrong, I’m going to take time to celebrate the joys in my life. To celebrate the birth of my boy and the birth of Jesus. I am not going to let circumstance dictate my mood. Here's to December being the best month of the year!

It's been one of those days, and I was actually quite mad about it because I wanted to end this day with a super thankful heart and instead I was frustrated and mad. So of course God would use this day to teach me a lesson, right?

Bax and I got home from work/daycare and he was being super clingy. I've learned on days like that to nix cooking dinner, give him some extra attention and go with the flow.

***intermission....baby needed snuggles....its now the following morning and I've come to finish this post***

So anyway, I've learned to go with the flow and give him the extra attention he needs sometimes. So he decides he wants to blow bubbles. We blow bubbles alot. Its a distraction when we're crabby and brings smiles to everyone. But somehow, last night, Bax gets a hold of a bottle of bath bubbles and is just convinced he wants me to blow those as bubbles. He keeps coming up to me "bubbles, bubbles". I'm holding a real bottle of bubbles in my hand, and at one point I'm even in the other room blowing them and calling for him as he throws a fit in the kitchen because he is convinced he wants me to blow the bath bubbles. I can see his confusion...I mean they are both bubbles and look an awful lot alike, but baby boy, you can blow bath bubbles in a wand!

And suddenly, its hits me. This has only happened to me a handful of times since he was born, but its like all the sudden I can see where God is going with this, and before I know it I'm standing there in tears watching him throw a toddler fit because he is just sure that what he is hanging onto is what he wants. Okay, I get it God!

I've got alot of dreams I'm hanging onto, nearly throwing a fit because I. WANT. THEM. And I want them now!!!! Like right now!! I dont understand why God wont just work a few things out for our good. Several times I have said okay, I'm letting them go, and yet I'm still holding on. So I'm standing there watching Bax throw a fit, and all I can hear in my head is "sometimes you act like that". Ouch!

So today (yesterday), I am thankful for God speaking to me through my little man. A lesson learned through his fit throwing. I gotta let it go. Maybe what I am holding onto SO TIGHT isnt really want I want at all. Maybe He is holding something better. Maybe I'm holding onto the wrong thing and dont even realize it. Maybe I'm throwing a fit over something I dont really even want. Thank you God for showing me through Bax.