Earlier this week I had an email: “Garden plots available!!”  I almost deleted it thinking it was spam, but then remembered that I was on the waitlist for the community garden around the block from my apartment.

So today, I spent this morning kneeling and crouching in soft dirt, yanking up errant bunches of mint and crabgrass and some wiley johnny jump-ups.  I think I’ll be blogging alot about it.  It’s exciting to be involved with a community of people from my neighborhood–many of whom I’ve seen just walking their dogs or heading to work around the hood.

And soon I will have TOMATOES!  And zucchini!  And fresh flowers and herbs and who knows what all else.  Yay!

Three years ago I wept over dinner with the BF (whom I had just started dating) because I had just gotten two, mean-as-hell rejection letters from what I viewed as my last two chances to get to NYC.

It was never that easy.

Sites like these, when I was first made aware of them, seemed like a godsend.   I wish I had those!  I thought at first.  Lately, however, after lurking around them, I am ambivalent.  I see much of the “why do you need an MFA?” nay-sayers.  I see a lot of people who are lured in by rankings and “big names”.  I see a lot of people who think that being in an MFA program will solve all their writing problems.  I read from other current students who are unhappy or have completely different views of the same program I’m in.  I think of the majority of my program and realize 1) I don’t know those students and 2) I don’t particularly want to.

And I volunteer my email and suggest people talk to me, or other current students, to see what the program is like.  And I suggest they call the programs directly–not admissions, not financial aid–to talk to the profs and students.  And some people have gotten in touch with me–some of whom are straight out of college and some of whom are older.

I have a lot of trouble relating to the BA-in-hand ones.  I don’t know what to tell them about getting all new friends or whether the program will get their book published.  I know nothing about either situation.  I don’t really care.

Yet all of the venting–from a justifiably frustrating process–saddens me.  It is a horrible process, as is the thought of spending a shitload of money on a “worthless” degree.  I’m feeling that more than ever since I am staring down the possibility of a year (or more!) of adjunct positions in area schools.

And yet, I did what I needed to do.  I know the people I am supposed to know and thankful for them again and again.  I just want to scream GUYS!  IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!

Which, is probably sage advice I should take myself now and again.

I wish all the people going through the application process the best and hope you go with your gut and end up where you are meant to be.

(PS.  BF is doing great.  And I am so relieved and happy about it, as is he, and I feel like I can start writing again.)

I hope that because it will be done sooner that the infection’s source is removed and then he will heal and then we can stop hanging out with surgeons all the time and we can all go back to a semi-normal life.

Maybe.

I was speaking to a friend of mine and felt something go crunch in my mouth.  My tooth had chipped.  And then, my teeth began to fall out–more teeth than I knew I had.  Even now I can remember what it felt like.  They weren’t rotten, the teeth were just falling out.  Then, in my dream, I told myself to wake up.  And in my dream, I woke up.

Then I woke up again for real.

I woke up to the BF calling from the hospital.  We talked and then I got up and prepped to get to the hospital.  I felt like I had been drugged.  Driving to the hospital, I broke down crying, worrying what would happen if I got to the hospital too late.  Too late for what?  Anything.  Anything.

The BF will be in the hospital probably for the weekend, hopefully not for longer.  While we were sitting in the hospital world, my mom called.  My godfather–one of her closest friends when I was growing up–died suddenly a few weeks ago.   I haven’t been in contact with him for a while–nothing big, just haven’t kept in touch with many people that I grew up with, including neighbors and friends of family.  The funeral has already happened already too.

I guess I just always assumed he would be around.

I am overwhelmed with how keenly aware I am of time.

Last night we decided it would be best if I stay here because if he does get admitted into the hospital, I can borrow a friend’s car to get there, whereas I don’t drive stick so I couldn’t get back from Baltimore if I went with him. Or something.

I can’t believe there are still new, weird complications resulting from this bloody surgery. I just can’t believe it. When will it stop? The BF is frustrated and scared and tired of it, and I am too. I am going to spend today getting work done (hopefully) but with my phone right next to me, waiting for phone calls.

I hate the waiting.

Look at the list of books below. Bold the ones you’ve read, italicise the ones you want to read, cross out the ones you won’t touch with a 10 foot pole, put a cross (+) in front of the ones on your book shelf, and asterisk (*) the ones you’ve never heard of. Like jadepark, I’ve left unformatted the books to which I feel perfectly indifferent.

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown) – I argue regularly with a professor about the value of trash. I see some books as the equivalent of Oreos, or Cheetos–they are not good for you, but damn, they are tasty. So, I started it and thought it was boring and stopped reading. The movie was mildly entertaining.

2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen) – I haven’t read it. I’ve read Northanger Abbey, Emma and some other one. All Jane Austen reads the same to me. As a lit nerd, it’s fun in terms of theory. As a reader, I’m not so enthralled.
3. (+) To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee) – Still makes me weep.
4. (+) Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell) – Entertaining. Like the movie more.
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien) – Read it in high school. Love the premise, the story, the maps, the ingenuity. Really hard to get through.
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien) – see #5
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien) – see #5, 6
8. (+) Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery) – I’d like to go back and re-read this book to see what I think now, but I re-read it in college one time when I was home on vacation and still loved it. I’ve read just about everything LM Montgomery ever wrote, including the novellas and “found” manuscripts. Between the ages of 9 and 14, I was always Anne in my dreams.

9. *Outlander (Diana Gabaldon) – never heard of it
10. *A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry) – never heard of it
11. + Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling) – I love Harry Potter. I think the writing is witty and the plots are stellar.
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown) – never read it.
13. + Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling) – see 11.
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving) – I’ve never read John Irving. I know, I know. His latest book is sitting on my shelf.

15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden) – Not interested.

16. + Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling) – See 11, 13.
17. *Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald) – ?
18. The Stand (Stephen King) – never read it.
19. + Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling) – REPETITVE! But I think this may have been my favorite one.
20. + Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte) – Great book, great for theory. Wide Sargasso Sea? Interesting premise and yet so dull.

21. The Hobbit (Tolkien) – never read this one.
22. +The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger) – I actually like Salinger’s other books, and I like the Salinger mystique.

23. +Little Women (Louisa May Alcott) – Loved it, loved all of the Alcotts. Love the movies, including the one with Winona Ryder as Jo.

24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold) – Disturbing and somehow, not disturbing enough.
25. +Life of Pi (Yann Martel) – After undergrad, I went through a literary drought. This is the book that got me reading again and thinking maybe I wanted to pursue my writing further. I love this book.

26. +The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams) – Hilarious. Great movie, too.
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte) – I think I tried to read it. I never got into the romance stuff

28. +The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis) – If Anne of Green Gables defined my pre-teen years, these books defined my teen years. Yes, I had already read them, but I re-read them and then the Perelandra Chronicles, and then all of CS Lewis’ books on Christian theology and his other novels. I was searching. He gave me some measure of comfort. I think Lewis is brilliant.

29. +East of Eden (John Steinbeck) – Contrary to popular literary theory and favorites, Steinbeck is a fucking genius and should be treated with more respect. I read this book on average once a year; did a mini-thesis on it in undergrad, and own three copies (including a library first edition of it).

30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom) – Meh.
31. Dune (Frank Herbert) – I watched the movie. While stoned.

32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks) – NEVER
33. +Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand) – People who obsess over Ayn Rand frighten me.
34. +1984 (Orwell) – hits home these days.
35. *The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley) – ?
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett) – Going back to my trash theory, Follet is a great genre novelist. Fantastic beach reading and really trashy sex scenes.

37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay) – Made into Stephen Dorff’s only decent movie. South Africa in apartheid. Boxing. Good read.

38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb) – I liked this book and She’s Come Undone. Very readable, interesting psychological studies.

39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant) – Fantastic premise, but didn’t do much for me.
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho) – I don’t get this. People tell me it changes their lives and I just don’t get it.

41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel) – Never read it.
42. + The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini) – WOW. Wow, wowow, wow. I was blown away by this book, mainly because I underestimated it. Went on a little too long, but worth reading.

43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella) – I like chick lit as beach reading, but of the Anna Maxted variety.

44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom) – Puke.
45. +Bible – Took a class in college. Old Testiment is great stuff. I love Judith and Ruth.

46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy) – Never read it. (Yes, this is shameful.)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas) – Yay revenge!

48. +Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt) – So readable, so sadly beautiful.

49. +The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck) – See my entry on East of Eden.
50. +She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb) – Readable, interesting. Identified with it when undiagnosed with depression.
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver) – I don’t think this is Kingsolver’s best by any means, but I thought it was a great story.
52. +A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens) – As a lit person, I think Dickens is fascinating. This is one of the few books of his I would recommend to non-lit people!
53. *Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card) – ?
54. + Great Expectations (Dickens) – Miss Havisham is one of the best villains of all time! (And I love the movie with Ethan Hawke and Gwyneth Paltrow).
55. + The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald) – The eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg kill me everytime.  For plot, for characters, for sheer style alone, one of the best novels of all time.

56. * The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence) – ?
57. +Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling) – See previous HP entries.

58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough) – Never read it.

59. +The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood) – Really liked it–amazing plot, scarier than 1984 to me. Like some of her other works better.
60. *The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger) – ?

61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky) – Never read it. (Again, shameful.)
62. +The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand) – Best of Ayn Rand’s books. Still, people who obsess over Rand freak me out.
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy) – Not up on my Russians.
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice) – never read it.
65. *Fifth Business (Robertson Davis) – ?

66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) – Never read it. High on my “To read immediately, you ignoramus” list.

67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares) – never read it.
68. +Catch-22 (Joseph Heller) – I think I was too young and didn’t get it.

69. Les Miserables (Hugo) – I prefered 20 thousand leagues under the sea. I think I have a penchant for the fantastical.

70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery) – Another book people say changed their lives, and I think it’s lovely, but I don’t get it.

71. +Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding) – Funny. Still prefer Maxted and Lisa Jewett in the field of chick lit.

72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez) – Never read it. (See above concerning list…)
73. Shogun (James Clavell) – never read it.

74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje) – never read it.
75. +The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett) – Loved this book growing up.
76. *The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay) – ?
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith) – I vaguely remember reading it and liking it. I thought the movie was better.
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving) – never read it.
79. *The Diviners (Margaret Laurence) – ?

80. + Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White) – Still makes me weep!
81. * Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley) – ?
82. +Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck) – Still makes me weep.
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier) – I have blocked it out.

84. *Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)- ?

85. +Emma (Jane Austen) – Again, liked the movie version better (esp. Clueless.)

86. Watership Down (Richard Adams) – Made me cry hysterically as a child.
87. +Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) – Eh. It’s been awhile.

88. *The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields) – ?.
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago) – Haven’t read it.

90. *Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer) – ??
91. *In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje) – ?.
92. +Lord of the Flies (Golding) – SWEET JESUS THIS WAS MIDDLE SCHOOL.
93. +The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck) – Liked it a long time ago.

94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd) – haven’t read it.
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum) – movie was good!
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton) – I loved this book when I was in middle school. See Lord of the Flies entry.
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch) – Haven’t read it, but really want to.
98. *A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford) – ?
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield) I tried reading it and it was so poorly written that I wanted to puke.
100. +Ulysses (James Joyce) – I love Joyce as much, but in a different way, as I love Steinbeck. For reals. This is why I balance him with trash. He’s amazing. I lost myself in Ulysses during college and I think it saved my life. Yes, you need the semester course and the three annotated versions to make sense of it, but it’s truly a masterpiece.

Stats:

* Read 56

* Own 37

* Want to read 10 (ish)

* Indifferent 15

* Never heard of 15

In the past week, I received word that I was accepted to both of the writers’ conferences I applied to. It has given me such a confidence boost; it’s outside validation that i’m not a total fraud. I think I realized that last night, even before I knew I had gotten into the second conf.

I met with my thesis advisor earlier in the day. I have a due date–APRIL 20. A chunk of a draft of a novel is due on April 20. I have two months. And this makes me so happy for some reason, that I’m somehow more of a real writer because of this. And then, my first story of the term was workshopped last night. GREAT workshop, btw–very helpful. Only thing is, the last few times I’ve been workshopped, I’ve had full-fledged panic attacks during them. Having others critique your work, even on a good day, is difficult enough. So I went to my prof and told her exactly what I was afraid of, and asked if I could go first to get it down with. She was wonderful (because she always is), and said that was fine, and to feel free to just walk out if I needed air, that she would cover for me.

And, of course, because I called my panic on it’s on little game, it didn’t happen. It felt really good.

I finally believe I’m a writer. I don’t know why I didn’t fully believe that before, but all this good news and good progress towards something feels so right. I think every writer–as well as ever teacher–often questions whether she is a fraud. And today, at least, I’m not questioning.

If that were the definition of a writer, then I would be a very bad writer.  I suppose that other writers (because, like African-Americans and Jews, we apparently all know each other) would give me a scarlet “B” to wear on my coat for “bad”.

 Cough.  (On the other side of cyberspace, I’m rolling my eyes.)

In truth, lately I have been a very good writer.  I sent out two applications for summer writing workshops and a contest entry.  All of those submissions feature work that I feel strongly about.  I want someone else to read it.  I want someone to pay it the attention it deserves.

I also have started a new piece.  All because instead of hoping for some magical eight-hour block of time to devote to my writing, I’m writing instead in fits and spurts when I have a moment.  I’m forcing myself to write when I have short moments to myself–and it’s working.

It makes me feel better about calling myself a writer.  And maybe, just maybe, someone else will think enough of what I’ve submitted to call me one, too.