In the past, when I was struggling...this is where I would come. Putting the words on paper (so to speak) was cathartic and feeling supported by other mama's was comforting.
But I rarely come here anymore. Partly because I don't struggle like I used to and partly because there are only a handful of people out there that still read what I write.
But today I am struggling. Today I will write and I will pray that as I release the words onto this document, I will feel peace...even if I don't feel support.
We have a family event this weekend that raises my anxiety to a very high level. To this day, our family has not understood our loss. I suppose I can't expect them to as they haven't walked our path. However, I did hope that they would be more supportive. Anyway...one of the children of our extended family members (that said and did some pretty judgmental things after Nate died) recently battled a brain tumor. He won! He survived and that is the wonderful news. So...just as expected the family is celebrating his victory! It's a beautiful, glorious event to celebrate the end of a miserable, terrifying year. Another party! That's what our family does...
It's my internal conflict that ignites my anxiety and fuels my sadness. Of course I am happy for them. Happy that they get the ending that I wanted. Happy that they don't know our path. But that happiness is marred by jealousy. Jealousy that the support we needed is looking me in the face but rather than protecting me it is throwing confetti, smiling and celebrating the "yes" that someone else got to their prayers.. It's so much easier to be happy for someone when you don't have to be face to face with others that are also happy while completely oblivious to the fact that this event is like a sword to my heart. Unaware of how difficult it is to be with people that don't understand who you are or what you have been through but just love to celebrate. They are not evil, in fact this behavior is completely normal so what is my problem? Why do I feel like they don't understand? Why do I feel so alone and scared?
Praying for strength to look outward and not inward. Praying for courage to look a people the way Jesus does and to be authentically happy that God said YES to them!
WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #637
6 days ago
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