Hello.  I'm not dead, I haven't given up.  I'm just busy. 

I thought I would pop in and say hello and I am using this updated version of blogger.  Not too sure about it yet and I am not sure what the benefits are.  It looks like I will be going to Vegas on a work getaway in late November.  Too bad it wasn't the first week of December, it would have been nice to catch up with those of you who I still keep in contact with thru other channels. 

I hope life is treating you well. 

This is not about me getting a hole in one today or anytime recently. It`s more about me wondering if I WILL EVER get a hole in one at some point in my lifetime. Family, work, the odd baseball game, tv show or hot date... time for golf seems to have vanished (along with blogging, playing poker, sleeping in, having weekends off etc).

I`ve played a few rounds this year but nothing serious and usually in large groups with beers. There`s been a couple of close calls but the bottom line is I am not playing as much as II used to. Watching the Open Championship and seeing Tom Watson get a hole in one got me to wondering... will I ever get?

My thoughts & theories:

• he is pissed because there is not enough dead money


• Full Tilt knew about this before he announced it and supported it. From a marketing perspective, it is doing wonders for poker. Phil has that effect on anything poker.


• he doesn't want to get sued himself (credit to Fuel)


• he wants to play more golf and bet on basketball


• this is a way to welsh on his bracelet bet with Lederer

I still think he will eventually play in a few events, especially the Main Event.

Unlike golf, there is not a limited window as age and physical ability is not important. Phil is so young, he probably thinks that taking a pass on this years WSOP won't matter, but I tend to think that if he skips the entire series it will have a bigger effect on his game then he thinks.

Overall, I could care less but it sure blew up twitter last night. Overall, it was a good thing for poker in my opinion. heck, more fish (including "pros") might sign up now since they won't have to contend with the best player ever in the history of poker.

My aunt called and specified that the reason she was calling was because it was exactly two weeks since my father's passing. She sounded upset and drunk. It was 6:30 on a Sunday morning and I was working on less than 5 hours sleep when she called. She told me that she spent a lot of time with him over his final week and that he had a lot of things that he wanted to pass along to us. Stuff that he wanted us to know. Stuff that he couldn't tell me himself over the last 25 years I guess. Who knows. I never did stay on the phone long enough to find out. Instead I told her that I would call her back another time. My strategy is to call her when it is her morning so she is not drunk enough to slur her words or tell me lies. Lies will happen either way though. She told me I could ask her anything. I said "anything?" and followed it up with "Ive had 25 years to come up with some pretty tough questions..." And then she started crying saying "Oh please don't" and couldn't talk much after that and had to go. I keep struggling with to what level I should take this. There are obviously a few issues here and the main one is my non-realtionship with my father and why that went on for so long. I look to my aunt as a huge part the reason why. She took him from us, she screwed it up for everyone and blew this family up. Of all the men in the world, why him? Why did he choose her? Things could have been so much different if he had just manned up and stayed in the country. He wanted to be home though. He wanted to live back in his country. He claimed it was because of his family but everyone knows that he never talked to any of his bro's on the regular. They never heard from him much until one of the brothers died last June. He took that pretty hard and it was all downhill from there. They both died from heart problems. So did their dad. So will I. It's just a matter of when, not if. So what do I do until then? Love my family and enjoy each day.

Yeah I'm fine, don't worry about me.

I didn't get the chance to call again. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

I get upset at the most random times, mostly when I am alone.

I wonder what it was like to take that last breath before he died from cardiac arrest.

I wonder what it was like to know that your days are numbered and no one can help.

I wonder what it was like being alone without your children by your side holding your hand as you drifted away.

I have so many questions, so many unanswered questions that I need to let go of. But I can't. Not now, not yet, maybe not ever.

Too many questions, not enough answers.
Too many tears, not enough laughter.
Too many fears, not enough faith.

He's gone, and I am lost. The ironic part is, I never needed him this much until now.

Did you forget what day I was born?
Why did you stop calling on our birthdays?
Did you really have sex with the secretary? That is so cliche.
Are you capable of loving?
Why didn't you show it to us?

Not sure where to start so I will just go with what comes to mind and maybe follow up more later as things become more final.

Death is final. No one can prove otherwise.

I received a call from my aunt (step mom) last night right before game 7 of the Canucks vs. Hawks game kicked off. Nice timing, but PVR's rule the world now so I was fine with it.

Back track a bit right?

I never did tell you whether I made that call to him that night two weeks ago did I? Well for those of you who guessed that I did, you were right. I did make that call, and I am glad I did.

It was odd, aggrevating and a relief all bundled into one. With a side order of sadness and tears.

I had no expectations, and from what I had heard from my sister - he might not even remember we talked. Either way, there was a lot of dead air, a lot of talk about the girls and not much real life issues talk or remorse on either side of the phone.

It's too late for that now. It's too late to talk about the details rehash what is done. He made his choices and the guilt has now participated in getting him to where he is at this moment.

On his death bed.

He will not be coming home, he will not live much longer. He has a fialing heart which has taken its toll on his liver, pancreas and now - his brain. 2 weeks left max is what I've been told, but maybe even sooner than that.

My aunt confirmed this to be true last night and hinted that I should give him one last call to say goodbye. This is where I am at, this is what I am struggling with at the moment. I know I will probably make that call and I know I should do so with very little expectations to get anything back that will make me feel any differently than I already do.

But the fact is (as many have pointed out already) this is my only chance to talk to him one last time. One last good bye, one last time to hear the chuckle and nuances that remind me of me. I wish I could have gotten to know him better, I wish for my kids sake that he was around to meet them at least once.

This will never happen.

Just like I never met my Grandfather (his Dad), the tradition will continue. The circumstances are much different and nothing compares to seeing any relative's face light up when they hold my little girls.

This is something he will never get to do.

The sadest part for me is having to explain this to my girls one day. Telling the entire truth and making them understand where they come from and what makes me, me.

At this moment, it's not about that though. It's about making the choice to say goodbye while I still have the chance. Regardless of our past, regardless of what he has not contributed or how he has treated the ones that love him unconditionally.

I have no more words at this time.