Here is the basic story.  Boy and girl meet, sleep together, maybe even move in together.  Girl finds out she is pregnant and is lucky enough to be with a guy who thinks it is great and only loves her more for it.  Then girl starts pulling away and says she isn’t sure about the relationship any longer.  Boy tries hard to please her and take care of her.  Girl just gets upset and pushes boy even further away.  Boy writes to Miss Knowitall asking why and what to do.

Dear BOY,

As I said to Mr. Loving, just because a girl says she will be your girlfriend or move in with you does NOT mean she has picked you out as the father of her children.  A girl can love you, trust you, lust you, and act like she wants to be with you forever but it still doesn’t mean she wants to bear your children and be stuck with you forever.  This is why, for years and years and years, people would get married before sleeping together.  For some reason, people these days sleep with anyone they think is cute and then they actually have the gall to seem totally shocked when they end up pregnant.  But enough ranting already.  Right or wrong it happened and now you need some help.  Well, big guy, here are your possibilities:

1.  When women become pregnant their whole lives turn upside-down, they loose control of their bodies, they hurt, are tired, and now have to spend the rest of their lives worrying about someone besides themselves.  If a girl hasn’t made the choice to take all this on she will tend to be a little less than thrilled.  She will often look for someone to blame for her new burdens, and guess who gets that blame?  You betcha!  No girl is going to say, “Gee, thanks for taking away my freedom and my body, I love you so much.”  So, you did it, you pay for it.  However, while she is hating you now, she may eventually come back to you if she truly does love you or if she finds she needs your help.  Considering all that she will have to go through with the pregnancy it really isn’t too much to ask for you to give her the space she needs, for however long she needs it, and just be ready for her when she changes her mind.

2.  She may not love you or want you as the father of her child.  If this is the case the best you can do is focus on the child.  Be a father and not a boyfriend.  Be kind and supportive and don’t get angry if your girlfriend falls in love with someone else.  You don’t have a marriage license so you have no right to claim the father/spouse roll in your girlfriends home.

3.  Tell your girlfriend how you feel in a letter.  This will let her process her feelings without having to deal with a confrontation.  Tell her your hopes and dreams for the child.  Apologize for having it happen this way and tell her it is ok if she hates you.  Ask if she wants to go to counseling with you.  If you do this in a letter she has a chance to read it over and over and can pick the right time to talk to you about these things.

I’m sorry this has happened to you.  There need to be more men in this world who get as excited about the children they produce.  However, there also needs to be more thought on the part of the parents-to-be before they start randomly sharing baby making ingredients with each other.

 Hoping your child is happy,

Miss Knowitall

Dear Don’t Know,

Unfortunately I understand this situation all too well.  It is one thing to have to put up with bad living conditions yourself, but it is another thing when you have a baby to worry about.  Even with my sympathy, though, it is a clear rule of conduct that a guest should never complain about the quality of their host’s hospitality (unless it is downright rude or abusive).  Does this mean I want you to sleep on moldy carpets, or be bit all over by bugs?  Not at all.  Here are a few things you can do for yourself while still being the polite guest.

1.  GET A HOTEL ROOM.  If you are worried that this will offend your in-laws just tell them that you wanted to get a hotel to save them on their water bill, that the baby cries at night, and that you wanted to get a hotel with a pool so everyone could come over and go swimming.

2.  Bring your own bedding.  I learned long ago that it is far better to bring my own sheets and pillows than to have to lay awake at night wondering why the sheets smell so funny or wondering what those stains were on the pillows.  We even bring our own air mattress and baby crib to other people’s places for that added assurance.

3.  Develop a reputation for cleaning.  When I go to someone’s home and it is too dirty for me to bear I just start cleaning and I smile and laugh apologetically and tell my host, “Oh, please forgive me.  I know it is silly but I just LOVE cleaning other people’s homes.  There is something so nice about cleaning a place and not having to watch it get messy.  At home I clean and 5 minutes later it is totally trashed again.”  Or I tell them to please let me clean because it helps me feel like I’m “earning my keep.”  You could bring your own mold cleaner to your in-laws and that way you could clean it behind a closed door and they wouldn’t even know.

Also, I just gotta say this, do refrain from complaining to your husband.  I’m willing to bet that he is embarrassed by the situation and is pained that his family is giving you such a bad impression.  If he could change the situation I’m sure he would have by now.  So, either come up with a good reason to just stay home for the holidays, or put a smile on, follow the tips above, and let only compliments fall from your lips.

Politely, clean-freakishly yours,

Miss Knowitall

HI… I have a problem with my overly loving MIL.  She has single handedly raised her two sons. My husband is the younger one and we have been married for just 8 months.  Until now, I have been in the good book of my MIL. My problem is that she takes way too much interest in our house.  This time she bought curtains of her own choice, properly made to be hung at our place. I don’t like them at all.  I don’t know how to tell her I don’t like them and her son, my husband, refuses to do anything that might hurt her feelings.  There other things too, she gives us open advice, and many times does things which I feel only I should do as I am the homemaker and she is the guest.  I am in India, and here parents are like Gods.  I don’t object to this, in fact I fully support it.  My MIL is an adorable lady, she doesn’t get into hassles with my or even my SIL(her elder DIL).  But, if she keeps getting things for us like this, I may not be in her good book for long, and my ego is being hurt big time. My husband can’t get this point for reasons obvious to all.  Please suggest how to stop this gesture of love from MIL without hurting her feelings.  Thank you!!

Dear DIL From India,

We Americans may not see our parents as Gods but we all have issues with our MILs.  I am very tempted to tell you to return the favor by buying your MIL some very ugly decorations for her home, like some fluorescent, velvet posters of Mickey Mouse… but that is just the devil in me =).  Really the best way to get her to stop is with the honest compliment.  If she gives you a gift when other people are around, thank her and wait till you can get her alone (this is to save her from any humiliation).  When you get her alone tell her something like this, “Mom, I care for you and respect you so much that I want to always be honest with you.  I am so touched by your generosity and all you do for us.  I am sad because these curtains just really aren’t going to work for me and I don’t want you to waste your money on me.  I do think I need new curtains and I would love if we could pick them out together and maybe go out to lunch afterwords.”  She may get offended but in the end I think she will appreciate your honesty and recognize your love for her.  And if she shops with you enough times she may get a feel for what you do like and therefore become better at picking things out for you.  As for her doing too many things around your house, just firmly tell her that she is your mother and your guest and that you want the honor of having her relax in your home.  I am sorry to have to tell you that there isn’t anything you can do about the advice but smile and say thanks.  It is a mother’s job, and God given right, to give too much advice to her children.   

Honestly yours,

Miss Knowitall

My SIL (husband’s sister) has tried so many times to push us and our 3 children out of the family. She makes my MIL side against us and manipulates her and the other siblings who are also both girls. I believe she is insecure and very jealous of our accomplishments. She has gone as far as to bully our children when we are not around but when we are there she is phony and acts loving to them. She also has a daughter who barely acknowledges us when we come around. My question is how should I go about making my MIL understand why we don’t come to family functions? She sees no wrong doing on her daughter’s part, only mine and my husbands. My SIL just had a baby and MIL wants me to be joyful but I just cant pretend to care about someone who has done so much to turn us against her. My husband is like an outcast since his father died. I believe my SIL likes things this way. Any suggestions to make my MIL see our side of things and how we feel?

Dear Trying To Convince,

It is a very tricky business trying to get a mother to see any faults in a daughter.  The trick is to not attack the daughter, but to actually defend her.  This is going to sound ridiculous, but just trust me.  When you tell your MIL that her daughter doesn’t like you and is rude to you it sounds like you are pointing out the faults in her child, and right or wrong she is going to defend her baby (no matter how old your SIL is).  So, don’t say it like that.  When your MIL asks why you aren’t attending family functions just say, “We would love to be there but we always get the impression that we are making (insert SIL’s name here) unhappy.  We just feel that everyone would be able to enjoy themselves more if we weren’t there.  This way you aren’t attacking anyone.  If your MIL wants you to come she doesn’t have to defend your SIL to convince you but she needs to promise you that you will get the response you want when you come.  Don’t say that your niece ignores you, just tell your MIL that you wish she liked your kids.  This way you aren’t seeing anything wrong with her, you are just wishing that she would bond with your kids.  When you free your MIL from having to defend your SIL’s bad behavior you free her up to start prodding your SIL to help improve family relations.  Oh, and you should definitely send the new baby a gift and a card.  It is NOT the baby’s fault that his/her mom has been cruel.

Also, make sure that you are building a relationship with you MIL without the whole family present.  Invite her over for dinner.  Invite the other sisters over.  Let them see you without the SIL around.  Let them see for themselves what you are really like.  And if your husband wants his place back in the family he should be doing the same thing.  He should do something helpful for his mother at least once a month and call her at least every other week just to see how she is doing.  If she starts to depend on him she will fight for his place in the family (the same will work for you too).

Passively aggressive,

Miss Knowitall  

P.S.  NEVER leave your children with your SIL.  Anytime there are discrepancies between children and adults then they should not be alone together. 

Ok, long story short:  I no longer want to be friends outside of work with a co-worker who’s desk is about 5 ft. away from mine; how do I extricate myself from the friendship and still keep a good working relationship?  The more I get to know this woman, the more I see how controlling and manipulative her behaviour is.  Things really came to a head when she wanted me to drop my work and help her with something that could have waited.  I would have helped her, however I was in the middle of something with a deadline and couldn’t. When I said I would help her later, she said “No, I’ll figure it out myself,” and pouted for the rest of the day.  This is just the latest example of her tactics but it was the one that broke the camel’s back.  She also pouts when she offers you something and you politely say “no thank-you” which makes me think things are not offered out of genuine kindness, but with ulterior motive.  I understand that these are manipulative/controlling behaviours and I dislike being treated this way because a true friend wouldn’t do that.  Unfortunately, my response to her behaviour is no better.  I sit at my desk and silently seethe with anger.  My behaviour is really an exaggerated response; I think it’s because my father used to control our behaviour using some of the same tactics she uses, so I recognized what she was doing immediately (I’m actually not in contact with my father due to his self-absorbed behaviour).  I want to take the high road and just say sorry to keep the peace, but I don’t want her to think this means we are friends again.  Because of my past history with this, I’m having a hard time looking at the situation objectively.  Please help !!    

Dear Desk Friends,

This reminds me of why I made it a rule never to date boys that were in any of my classes.  It makes breaking up hard when you have to see them everyday. Here are some directions for taking “the high road:”

1.  Take a Zen approach to this.  When you feel anger try to meditate and tell yourself, “I will not let her actions control my actions.  I will pretend that she is like the garbage truck making noise in the early morning and learn to ignore it.”

2.  Don’t analyze her oddities and just go with whatever she gives you that is sane.  For example, it is perfectly fine for a person to say, “No, I’ll figure it out myself.”  But it is silly for them to pout about it.  Ignore the pouting and only react to the normal part by saying what you would say to a normal person, “OK, thanks for understanding my situation.”

3.  Stop taking her behaviors personally.  She probably treats all her “friends” this way so it isn’t a personal attack on you.  Remind yourself that she is socially handicapped.  When someone is handicapped you are more tolerant of their inabilities than you would be of someone with all their faculties and you don’t take their behaviors personally.

4.  Friendships aren’t exactly like dating in that you can usually just let them fade without actually having to say, “We need to break up.”  So, just be busy after work or say you’d rather not go out.  If she doesn’t get the point and pushes you, don’t give explanations.  Just repeat, “Thanks for the offer but no thanks,” and then walk away.  

Remember that you aren’t required to be everyone’s friend but you should treat everyone with kindness.  So, while creating distance between you and this woman please make sure that you don’t gossip about her to others, don’t be cruel when you talk to her, and remember to smile at her.

Saying, “No,” with a smile,

Miss Knowitall