2) a unique analogy about online dating, or generally, the art of concocting a bizarre coincidence between the initial stages of a relationship and a hollywood blockbuster/well known social thingy.

I think the movie Speed is an accurate portrayal of what it feels like to meet someone you like. The initial phase is wildly entertaining and brimming with possibilities. You’re the lead actress; you have to take control of the wheel even though you’re as clueless as the monkey who got shot off to the moon for no apparent reason. Because if you don’t, the bus will explode. You cannot go slower than 50 miles an hour, or it will also explode. Everyone has to go along on the ride, meaning you have to be fully invested in the situation or else, it will definitely explode. You cannot pause for a while to think because, er, how should I put it, it will explode? Moreover, there is an entire busload of people giving you their two cents worth of which direction you should be taking and you have absolutely no idea who to listen to. Its cockshit chaotic and utterly exhilarating. 

And so, you let yourself have a Sandra Bullock-style meltdown every 5 minutes, but you’ll feel somewhat pretty doing so. Very pretty indeed. Because by this time, you would have started to completely believe that you ARE Sandra Bullock. And all this denial just because you want, or desperately need to entertain the possibility that someone out there may actually like you in a deep, profound way. 

3) findings and learnings of my experience

a) If your avatar stands out in any way at all, you will be noticed

My avatar was horizontal (cause I had a new phone and didn’t know how to rotate the picture without using Jedi mindtricks). It turned out horizontal and that was apparently my most attractive angle. 

It was also a perfect publicity stunt wor.

b) You will be seduced

I was very fortunate as the guys I met all started out genuinely nice and interested to find out more about me. In doing the latter, inevitably some form of seduction will take place. Being not privy to the intricate workings of seduction, I decided to log on to a stock image website to find out exactly what it was about. The below picture came out, now, hmm this kinda make sense to me:

Seduction is a very basic and carnal instinct. A very simple thing I guess. Sadly (or interestingly), most of the guys were attempting this instead:

c) Menstruation does not make you hard to predict. Unpredictability makes you hard to predict.

Guys are very nice. But one thing I’ve learnt is that they can be very complicated creatures as well (sometimes, more complicated than women). Case in point. This guy went all the way to my workplace in an attempt to send me home. What started out as creepy stalking (he had somehow figured out where I lived just by the way I look, not very much unlike the way the police managed to catch the woman who pooped at Holland Village MRT based on just her back view), eventually turned into a rather sweet attempt to get to know me better (we talked for quite a while, but I declined to be sent home and he graciously backed off). We exchanged numbers and shared a few conversations in the fashion of Richard Linklater’s “Before Sunrise” and “After sunset” movies. 

Guy: ” Hey lets meet up for drinks or coffee sometime soon! Do you like coffee? This saturday?”

Me: “Yah coffee’s good, Saturday’s good as well.”

Now, here comes the part you would never expect. After agreeing to coffee on Saturday, the guy never replied with the venue or timing. In fact, he never replied ever. This is baffling, considering the fact that he did not, in fact die (he was still changing his whatsapp avatar regularly..I think death can only do so much for a person, and changing whatsapp profile pics ain’t one of the things it can do).

So yah, guys are complicated. 

d) You will also meet the guy you like who doesn’t like you back 

Now this one is slightly more difficult to talk about. In the world of speed/online dating, your ego is almost in a constant state of flux. One minute you’re Miss Congeniality and the next you’re Miss Congeniality II Armed and Fabulous (that movie was not so fabulous, huh?).

I guess the best thing to do is to not take things personally and moonwalk away from a potential embarrassment (you don’t have to grab your crotch while doing so, just keep it as low key as possible). 

However, if you can’t help but flip out, don’t be basic about it. Go big or go home. Point fingers, brawl, make nasty accusations, cut off all ties with this person and really finish him off by spreading a nasty rumor. For me, I like to tell people that this asshole whom I dated had a threesome. What’s so shameful about a threesome you’d think…Let’s just say it was more of a two pin plug situation. 

My favourite 90’s sitcom of all time. 

Well, fortunately I’ve never actually dated an asshole before.

In the next part, I will DEBUNK ALL THE THINGS YOU EVER KNEW ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. 

(To be continued…aka I finally get to the point.)

I’ve always viewed my life as a constant struggle to balance the lemons that get thrown at you, with.. erm.. puppies? Because who doesn’t like a nice, sweet little puppy right? Just picture life as a scale, on one side are all your problems and on the other, the things you do that make the problems go away. 

This was how my scale looked like 10 years ago. Now, my scale looks something like the below:

You realize that with age comes a different, more serious set of problems. Also, you might think that being young and having a longer period ahead of you, there will be quite a shitload of anxieties to maneuver through but the fact is, the uncertain future just gets more and more uncertain (and more and more crucial) the older you get. You can also see that the puppies are really struggling here. This is very bad for the puppies… very bad indeed. 

To balance the scale, I can always buy more clothes, ice-cream, new hobbies and maybe 101 dalmatians, but then, this would also increase the weight of my money problems which would eventually tip the scales again. So even if I have a constant stream of money coming in, it’s not exactly the perfect long term solution. 

The reason why I decided to take on online dating actually stemmed from very practical concerns. I figured that if I could build a solid, supportive relationship with someone else, it would be a financially productive and long term solution for some of the big lemons that life throws at you. 

To build a solid and supportive relationship, the first step (and actually what I consider the easiest step) would be to make a connection with someone, and that’s where online dating comes in. With the initial anonymity, it is easy to reach out and make connections with a large number of people. Its what comes after that is the tough part, but that, I will touch/punch on later. 

So, this is a story about online dating, basically. 

To write this, I decided to research on a couple of relationship related articles. I found out that there is generally a standard structure for these types of things, and it goes something like this:

1) an interesting research finding that also headlines the article

2) a unique analogy about relationships in general

3) findings and learnings you should be acquainted with in order to be successful at a relationship. And general mind fucking about how everything you believe in is wrong. You know what’s right? Exactly the opposite of all the things you believe in, it’s really that simple, THE OPPOSITE?! WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT RIGHT?!

4) An ambiguous conclusion. Meaning, no conclusion. 

(Disclaimer: I have to state here that I DID NOT experiment with/exploit the online dating platform as research for storytelling purposes. I went on the platform because I genuinely wanted to find a SO; the purpose of this article is to share about some of the learnings I’ve gained after the experience to serve as a personal reminder to not make the same mistakes again. And seriously, there is no way I could have spent so much effort just for storytelling purposes.)

And here’s the rest of the article, nicely classified into 4 neat sections for your comprehensive understanding 

1) an interesting research finding that also headlines the article

Do you know, studies have shown that almost 100% of men have visible penises?

(To be continued…) 

Back on the subject of yoga (because this series of short articles is not about having an existential crisis at all, and was never intended to), Saturday’s class was very tough. According to my friend, who pretty much sums up everything in one shocking statement, the class is “so jialat until can break hymen kind”. 

My thighs hurt like hell and I can’t feel my butt. I mean I can see it, but it’s been 2 days and I am still not sensing its presence. 

Is this what you call, an out-of-booty experience?

Mind-boggling shit. 

There is this sweet old lady who sells curry puffs in the morning every tuesday and thursday under the bridge right outside  the train station.

Question: Do I tell her that there is a homeless guy who shits and urinates at the same spot every monday, wednesday and friday?

Answer:I’m not gonna eat curry puffs for a while.

Crisis: taking yoga lessons at a place that also simultaneously teaches zumba

Zumba teacher next door:DON’T  BE AFRAID!! TOUCH YOURSELF!! TOUCH YOURSELF EVERYWHERE!!

Yoga instructor in my class: DON’T TOUCH YOURSELF ANYWHERE!. KEEP YOUR ARMS AT  90°! AND STOP TREMBLING LIKE THAT! WHY ARE YOU TREMBLING LIKE THAT? WHO TREMBLES LIKE THAT?

Blasts inspirational Lord of the Rings Scottish bagpipe music.

Guess there’s nothing much to do except to inhale deeply and savour this moment when the universe tries to tell you too many things at the same time and its confusing as hell.

I’m not your density; your density will be a well deserved victory. And I’ll always be proud of being a part of your fight.

So anyway, dear friend, I’m totally with you on this.   

Of all the things I love, the thing I love the most is a simple story told in provocative ways.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty does a great job of telling a story about that odd thing that I am sure most can relate to; you need to rip open your heart to galaxies far away, unknown lands shrouded in uncertainty and strange horizons just beyond the reach of the fingertips before you can completely shut down the brain and build up the courage to connect with the person sitting RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. It’s a strange thing isn’t it?

As Science would say, an average 75 kg person (about 165 pounds), has lurking in his or her genes — or more specifically, in his or her atoms — an amount of energy equivalent to about 1.6 gigatons of TNT, some 28 times greater than the largest nuclear bomb ever exploded. This is true because 1) we do not question science 2) because we don’t know how to and 3) unless if you are a scientist, for which if you are, then you should stop reading this, because the amount of romanticism in this blog will make you a believer (or not).

This means that each individual possess almost infinite energy for inspiration and adventure, which on the flip-side also means that we are suitably weaponized to completely destroy one another. We just can’t help being jerks sometimes, it’s wired in our DNA (DNA, another thing we do not question).

Don’t have the guts to chat up that cute guy in the bar? That’s just because he could very well blow up in a giant mushroom cloud of doom.

Kinda explains everything doesn’t it? Talk about telling a simple story in a provocative way. Now you need to start working on that trip to Afghanistan before you end up old and alone….

So in other words, I love laundry. I know that if I am forced to do it on a regular basis, I might be inclined to mince those words, but it’s a relative inexpensive way to de-stress (and it sure beats sitting in some hip cafe eating messy food that passes off as brunch where its totally too crowded and noisy to hold a decent conversation anyway..). But I’ll like to make it clear that I absolutely abhor ironing; if laundry is God’s gift then ironing is satan’s punishment.

Now, I can’t wait for those bedsheets to dry…

What do you usually do before you sleep? For me, I’ll have a glass of milk or browse through thought catalog (I like thought catalog because it reassures me that I am not a loser, just too hipster for my own good).

Another good way to end the day is together with music. What best to heal the failures of the day and drive the victories of tomorrow with a thoughtful melody? How important is it to have the perfect playlist for bedtime you ask me. Well, it’s not very important at all..but it’s definitely way more important than that pile of freshly laundered clothes waiting for me to iron. So there you go, I present 5 best songs to fall asleep to (while skillfully avoiding obvious choices like bon iver or grizzly bear.)

1. Cello Song – The books featuring Jose Gonzalez

2. Fox in the Snow – Belle and Sebastian

3. The Riptide – Beirut

4. Afterlife – Arcade Fire

5. Tight Pants – Jimmy Fallon and Will Ferrell
Because I find the perfect way to end the day is just to say to everything: “What The fuck! I’m awesome man!!”

The rate at which our pace of life is getting faster is astounding… in the past, people don’t have time to read books, so they turn to blogs. Now, most don’t even have the endurance to last a full blog article, so they turn to Instagram. As technology progresses, the list of things that one can do with a limited amount of time stretches, while our patience, along with our sources of inspiration diminishes.

And so we go on with our lives without putting much thought into how we actually want to live it. In other words, we go with the flow. Sounds like a cool thing to do, but sooner or later, you’ll realize that you’re stuck with a pile of clothes you don’t wear, a job you don’t like, or worse, a husband you don’t love.

The flow provides company and security; it takes you places, but it doesn’t take you to the end.

Sometimes, it’s ok to slow down a little, even if it means that you get left behind. Take your time, figure out who are your friends or enemies, define what is acceptable and what is not and generally, slow down and ponder about what you want and what you truly deserve.

Stop obsessing about what others have and let that determine what are your priorities in life. Instead of walking around in a circle like a drone, stretch that band and dance in an elliptical pattern. The next time you have the urge to spend the last few minutes of your weekend reading someone else’s facebook feed, try reading yourself.  It can be terrifying and it takes a long time to get it right, so..

don’t rush it.