Skies of Mercy

Dec. 26, 2111

Well, you may be thinking I’m ‘a day late (and definitely several $$’s short about now!!)’, but this was intentional. In all the pre-Christmas rush, I thought maybe you’d be neglecting your emails and just now starting to catch up. I couldn’t wait till New Year’s though with all the football games coming up (Go Ducks!!!!!! =).

Reflecting on the day to day routine of our present lives, it first seemed that not much happened around here, but in reviewing the whole year, there have been quite a few significant events after all. We continue to help my mom in caring for my dad (now beyond 2 years of being bed-ridden), and physically he just ‘keeps on going’ though it’s hard to know what his mental state is without any verbal communication skills remaining. We just try to keep him comfortable and hopefully stimulated with audio input (reading aloud, music, and teachings). He did have a major crisis (while we had planned to be away for a week of course) in May, due, we believe, to a medication he had been on since ‘06. Once he got off that, and on another med. (we’re not real thrilled about either), he has stabilized well.

My sister came up to stay with them in June while we took a week away camping with the dogs at our favorite ‘get-away’ close by. Then in August Mom celebrated her 90th birthday with both daughters, sons-in-law, granddaughter, and 2 great-granddaughters here for the occasion. My sister created a wonderful book depicting (in a children’s format) my mom’s life growing up on the farm near Austin, TX. Mom was thrilled about that, and it was really an amazingly professional project!

Nick’s ‘main event’ of the year happened in September when he was invited by his nephew (a Marine helicopter pilot returning from his 9 mo. tour of duty on a Naval aircraft carrier) to join his brother-in-law and other nephew on their home stretch from Pearl Harbor to San Diego. There was a large group of other soldiers’ friends & family also included in what they term, “Tiger Cruise”. For Nick it was a last minute arrangement that amazingly worked out, and he had the time of his life! If you know Nick, you can imagine how detailed his video account of the trip was. He was also able to keep his promise of BBQ-ing 30 racks of ribs for the homecoming party in San Diego the day after they arrived (mostly pre-cooked before he flew to Hawaii of course)! So, between a few days of his elk hunting (no, none again) and the trip, I was ‘husbandless’ for almost a month.

He arrived home not long before we both headed out to Colorado to see the Hefleys (our ‘kids & grandkids’). They had been in Norway (and from there also to Kosovo for a Water for Life project) for 6 months, partially in preparation for moving there permanently the beginning of 2012. In addition to continuing with the water project work, they will be pastoring a church in Trondheim. So, we wanted to take time to see them before they headed ‘across the pond’ longer term. We also were able to visit other relatives in the area we hadn’t seen for a while.

Since then, Daniel has finished his Master’s program at CO. State (major congratulations!! =), and they will be coming here to stay with us Jan. 7-15 to ‘touch base’ with other supporters in our area. Fortunately, Nick has that whole time off to entertain and host them (since my daily duties can be overwhelming and totally unpredictable at times).

The last major event of our year happened Dec. 7-10 when we headed to Nick’s folks for a big 80th birthday celebration for Nick’s mom. It involved several dinners out with family, the highpoint of which was a white ‘stretch limo’ ride with 11 of us packed inside from Stockton to Sacramento for dinner. It was quite an experience and comprised our ‘family time’ with them this year since we stayed home for a quiet Christmas here with just my folks.

We still have all our ‘pack’. Bruin’s alive and well, though sleeping most of the day, and actually doing fine (for an ‘old guy’) after adding some meds. to relieve back pain and a thyroid deficiency (I know, the things we do for dogs, but you dog lovers understand =). Bilbo and Jasper are active as ever, keeping us entertained and me occupied in more pleasant ways. Bilbo is an ever present reminder that there should always be time for snuggling, smooching, and yes, even playing. (Nick’s grateful for that ‘input’ though he’d probably say I don’t do any of those nearly enough =}!

Perhaps the most significant event of the year was our leaving the church fellowship of the past 13 years to join in a new church plant (https://thejourneychurch.tv/) with one of the associate pastors from there. It was something we had hoped would happen and finally did with the blessing of all. So, we are now a bit south of Medford and under the leadership of Ron Swanson, our friend since 1992 (after we came back from our time in Niger to find him as youth minister at the church we had left behind). He is also the one we’ve traveled with to Israel many years, so it was like ‘home’ to us from the very beginning – meeting for preparatory prayer with many others from Israel teams over the years. We met together to pray weekly from June to October, then for services in a temporary location for a month before the official ‘start-up’ 12/4. We are anticipating great things through ‘small’ people like us trusting in an all-powerful God, and just making ourselves available to Him as He leads.

We hope you are also looking to Him as your comforter, counselor, and guide in whatever circumstances you presently face or find yourselves facing in the future (anticipated or not). He is faithful to His promise ‘never to leave or forsake us’ and to ‘give us strength to rise on wings of eagles’ when we are weary and discouraged. May His joy be with you in your ‘journey’ this holiday season and on into the new year ahead.

With our love,
Nick & Dana

P.S. I’ve attached a picture of Bilbo from our Christmas tree hunt this year. He loves posing for the camera, unlike his mom who is spooked by it. He does have his own ‘fear’ issues as well though. He is TERRIFIED of other dogs and children, so having a 3, 4, & 6 year old in our house for a week next month should be interesting for sure =)! He’ll either get over it or die of fright I guess. You can pray for us all on that one =)!

I know it’s been a long time since I posted, but maybe there will be more before long (the garden’s ‘going into hibernation’).

I’m finally getting a bit more inspired toward some new songs, and this from Hillsongs is one I want to learn soon. 

So, on this, 11/1/11, in honor of the ‘ones’, I remember other ‘ones’ when I know the Lord indeed did hear ‘The Cry of the Broken’.  He did, does, and always will:

“I learned God-worship
      when my pride was shattered.
   Heart-shattered lives ready for love
      don’t for a moment escape God’s notice. ” 

                                         – Ps. 51:17  (The Message)

…especially “as we see the Day approaching.”  

Heb 10:19-25
” Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, His body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.  And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another-and all the more as you see the Day approaching. ”  NIV

I’m not even halfway through this book by David Platt and my heart is really ‘resonating’ with his words regarding “Unleashing the People of God for the Purpose of God” (his subtitle).

I’ll link to the Amazon site for you to read more if you like, but here’s a short quote from the chapter on his third of six essentials (“Building the right church depends on using all the wrong people”):

[regarding corporate worship] : “We want to focus on ways we can cultivate the best people: a people who love to pray together, fast together, confess sin together, sing together, and study together; a people who depend more on the Word that is spoken than on the one who speaks it; a people who are gripped in music more by the content of the song than by the appeal of the singer; and a people who define worship less by the quality of a slick performance and more by the commitment of a humble people who gather week after week simply to behold the glory of God as they surrrender their lives to Him.”

https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Together-Unleashing-People-Purpose/dp/1601423721/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1310501670&sr=1-1

“He must become greater, I must become less.”  (Jn. 3:30)

My apologies to anyone who may be confused about how this post might apply to you personally. It actually only relates directly to one person, but I’m hoping that if you’ve dropped by to ‘listen in’ you will find something beneficial to you in your relationships also.

I guess one advantage of having a ‘rarely read’ blog is that you can keep up with your ‘active subscribers’. I only have one =}, so assume that means they are aware when I put up a new post. I don’t know who they (you) are, but I do have hopes that perhaps this will reach the person to whom it is intended via this route. The hope is that you care enough to still be interested in what I might have to say. If not, I’ll never know, but am content with that mystery as well. No response is required for sure (or even expected).

After 13+ years of interacting with you in person, we are parting ways in the physical realm, and so, it seems unlikely we will ever see one another again until heaven. Yes, I know you’ll be back to visit your family still here, but we will probably be moving on to another fellowship of believers by then anyway (though I doubt we’ll be changing our home address any time soon =).

Since there is so much I’ve thought about saying, I know this could get long. So I’ll try to be as concise and positive as possible. Our relationship over the years has had a lot more negatives than positives I’m sorry to say, but I hope you do know that through it all, I only meant it for the good. I want to believe you did as well, and there was one time for sure (11/1/01) I was convinced that was true. That was what ‘kept my hope alive’ for something better in our relationship ever since. I just want you to know (‘should have told you at the time) that the honesty and vulnerability you showed then is what I believe God wants you to express all the time to everyone. You might have felt it as ‘weakness’, but God’s power is perfected there, and that is the kind of ‘leader’ people will willingly submit to and follow (I certainly would have, had you ‘continued’ there with me).

I know that is a ‘vulnerable’ and ‘risky’ place to stay, but the only place for ‘servant leadership’ to effectively model Christ, the Good Shepherd, to His flock.  Whether or not you have done so to this point (maybe it was just too hard with obstinate sheep like me) is not so relevant as how you will in your new relationships. With all my heart (and collective prayers of these past years), I encourage you to be real, honest, humble, vulnerable, and ‘defenseless’ (opposite of defensive). It won’t be easy, but it is the way of the cross, and the only way to true life, not just for you, but for all God places you in relationship with.

I do believe He has called you to this new ‘place’, but firstly, for the purpose of recreating your heart to become more like His own. From all I can discern, you will be in an atmosphere that will cultivate that pursuit, but you must yield to the process, difficult as it may be. Don’t run from the discomforts or challenging people like me, because they may be the very tools God uses to draw you closer to Him and His heart for them.

I do desire God to bless you & your family in all this, and as promised 9 years ago, will ‘never let you go’ in my prayers. I hope we can continue to communicate positively yet honestly, just as God would see best to ‘exhort’ and ‘spur us on’ in becoming more and more like Jesus (Rom. 8:29).

I will offer a brief good-bye Sunday, but with all our ‘past history’, that just doesn’t seem sufficient to express my heart for you…

In His love… no matter what…still & always.

I’ve spent the past 6 weeks or so slowly reading through this book by Gary L. Thomas. It wasn’t the book I went shopping for, but ended up being well worth the read. He quotes extensively from the writings of Christian leaders over the centuries. Though he would not agree (nor would I) with their whole ‘theology’, he shares worthwhile words with common themes that run through many of their writings.

I’m just going to list some of the most impacting quotes (from my highlighted, starred, and corner-turned-down pages) in topics, so that you can browse to see if any might ‘hit you where you are’ also. It will be a good review for me before I go on to the book I was originally shopping for =)! ‘Hope you see benefit in it as well.

Good Intentions

“Christian spirituality has more to do with what we receive than what we achieve. Our potential and activity depend entirely on God’s work in our lives. If we set out to be achievers rather than receivers, we have not begun to follow God.”

“We glamorize evangelism, and indeed, evangelism is a holy, necessary, and primary calling. We would do well, however, to also prioritize ‘soul surgery’ – the ability to work with God to bring back to health those who are suffering from spiritual problems.”

“God must do a work in us before He can work through us.”

Lifestyle

“Cultivating virtues is a necessary part of the Christian life. ‘That’s just the way I am’ is a confession of sloth, not humility. It’s admitting that we are too spiritually lazy to change, too selfishly indifferent to the way our weaknesses and lack of virtue hurt people. Whether we have a bad temper or an overly indulgent lifestyle, we injure others, weaken our witness, and grieve our Lord.”

“When we forget how sin slowly and sometimes imperceptibly works its way into our attitudes, thoughts, words, relationships, and life habits, it can grow strong under the cover of ignorance and denial.”

“We would eagerly live like an ascetic for a day or two if only we could grant ourselves the privilege of then forgetting about religion and living the rest of the week as if it had no serious claim on our lives. Yet we have an enemy who is willing to surrender the yards he loses during our heroic measures in order to gain the miles he wins when we return to soft living. ”

Surrender

“We should seek a supernatural calm, the kind that exists in a faith that can’t be defeated because the heart is resting secure, ‘set deep’ in God and His will. God can’t be defeated, so if our will is aligned with His, we can rest peacefully, securely, and without fear.”

“Whether I am sick or healthy, my aim is to do God’s will. Whether I am wealthy or poor, famous or anonymous, happy in my marriage of greatly frustrated, single or widowed or divorced, multi-talented or barely able to function with a drastically reduced IQ, my call is the same – to do exactly what God wants me to do.”

“We want to baptize our old nature rather than trade it in. We’re not told to wash the old nature, but to kill it. True Christianity includes an utter, absolute, and complete surrender to God.”

Slowing Down

“Cultivating the quiet is a painful experience when we are addicted to noise, excitement, and occupation. Opening the door to spiritual quiet can also open the door to spiritual fear and loneliness. Facing God requires a great amount of courage.  According to Pascal, we’re often afraid that if we start to slow down, the truth of our deeply felt misery will assail us. We lack the courage to confront this misery, so we live at breakneck speed with maximum noise, too numb or too busy to notice the pain.”

“Reflection opens us to God’s grace as He reveals a sin, when it is still weak and we are more likely to overcome it.”

“We all stumble in many ways (James 3:2), but reflection helps us to ‘stumble upward,’ to be more intentional about our imperfect progress as we become more like Jesus.”

“If we want to be captivated by Him, we must be willing to give up everything else in order to truly know and walk with Him. Some of what we give up may be given back, but we will accept back only those elements that allow our God-focus to remain.”

Humble Leadership

“Desiring to do great things for God is noble, but when our desire for future ministry blocks us from our present tasks, we should prayerfully (and with the assistance of spiritual counsel) consider whether the desire is God’s inspiration to move or Satan’s distraction to keep us from living fruitful lives right where we are.”

“Dreams born out of our own ambitions can be demonic messengers disguised as angels of light. Dreams born in the heart of God can be precious motivators. Humility reminds us that our reward before God is not based on what we attempt but on our faithfulness to what we are given.”

“Humility fills our ministries with selflessness and moves us to depend on God. We must avoid the trap of basing our qualification for ministry on our own gifts rather than our calling.  A person with many gifts is not necessarily qualified because of those gifts; likewise, a person lacking in many gifts is not necessarily disqualified because of that lack. Pride motivates us to evaluate God’s call based on what we possess or what we lack. We forget that both the biggest human contribution and the greatest human weakness are irrelevant in the face of God’s provision. God’s unlimited power is neither strengthened by our contribution nor lessened by our weakness.”

Beneficial Difficulties

“We should expect difficulty. To assume that the more mature we become, the easier life will get is entirely wrong. Very often, the opposite is the truth. If you’re walking a particularly difficult road, rather than assume you’ve somehow fallen outside of God’s will, at least be open to the possibility that in fact you might be exactly where He wants you to be.”

“Difficulty teaches us to be pastoral people, something that does not come naturally to us. If we deny our own pain, we must also bind ourselves to the pain of others. We need difficulty because without it we become proud, self-centered, and uncaring monsters who are full of ourselves.”

“When we learn to see difficulty as the path of growth, our relationships will change. When we remember that difficulty can be positive, challenging relationships become a vital part of Christian spirituality. Difficult work, church and family relationships, hurdles in ministry…all can be treasures if we place them in God’s hands. Don’t run from a relationship simply because it is demanding. Relationships should end for various reasons, but mere difficulty is not one of them.”

“It is the duty of God’s people to trust in Him when in darkness…It may look as though God has forsaken them and does not hear their prayers. Many clouds may gather and many enemies may surround them formidably, threatening to swallow them up. All events of providence seem to be against them and all circumstances seem to render the promises of God too difficult to be fulfilled. Yet God must be trusted when He is out of sight, when we cannot see how it is possible for Him to fulfill His word. When everything but God’s Word makes it look so unlikely, it is then that people must believe with hope against hope.”    – Jonathan Edwards

“How many souls, having had too tender a childhood in Jesus Christ, too delicate, too dependent on so mild a milk, draw back and give up the life within, when God begins to wean them?…They make the sanctuary of what was only the porch of the temple.”               -Francois Fenelon

“Wait until the winter is past, and until God has made all die which ought to die, then the spring revives all.”    -Francois Fenelon

Vulnerability

“My willingness to be honest began when I was first honest with just one person. When that person’s love and respect remained constant, I was able to be more open with a slightly larger circle. When we engage in this process, we may very well experience occasional betrayals, but usually we will find walking in the light so freeing that we can simply pray for those who betray us and ask God to grant them His mercy. Soon we no longer want to be adored as much as we want to be real. Secrecy and deceit create a burden no Christian should have to bear.”

The Bottom Line

“The struggle of the Christian life is really a struggle to maintain the centrality of God in our day-to-day lives. Peripheral matters are always pushing in, trying to steal our hearts away. That’s why, if we’re not consciously seeking the face of God and striving to know Him, we’re likely falling away.”

 First Day of the Week following Passover

 I had slept restlessly again the night following the Sabbath, and lay awake in the early morning hours trying to block out the memory of Christ’s crucifixion from my tortured mind. I sensed it was near dawn (though it was still dark outside) when I felt the earth shake again beneath me. It lasted only a moment, but startled me enough to prevent me from getting any more sleep. I lay there praying to the Father for wisdom to understand His purposes, strength to continue on encouraging the other disciples, and hope against hope that Jesus’ prediction about rising from the dead was as sure as the crucifixion had been.

 I heard others stirring in the house as well, so I got up and dressed as the day began to dawn. We heard a frantic knock at the door, and opened it to find Mary Magdalene there asking for John and Peter. She was visibly shaken, and spoke of going to the tomb alone before daybreak. She had planned to go with several other women to anoint Jesus body, but couldn’t sleep, so went on alone to wait for the others at the tomb. When the earthquake hit just before she arrived there, she ran to the tomb and found the guards who had been stationed there lying unconscious on the ground. Afraid of going on alone, she waited for the other women to arrive. They came at dawn, and went on to find that the stone covering the cave’s opening had already been rolled away. They looked inside just long enough to see that Jesus’ body was gone! Mary told the others to wait there until she could go get Peter and John to help them. She was sure someone had stolen his body to further humiliate and discourage his followers. When she arrived here at the house and told her story, John couldn’t understand why any of Christ’s enemies would do such a thing. After all, the chief priests were the ones who had requested a Roman guard be posted to keep Jesus’ disciples from stealing the body. Peter was staying in a house nearby, so John and Mary left quickly to get Peter and then return to the tomb.

 About an hour later, Peter and John returned to the house saying that Jesus’ body was not there, and that the other women were gone as well. They had gone into the tomb and found the grave clothes lying just as they would have been positioned on his body, and the cloth covering his face neatly folded and lying in a place by itself. Peter was totally perplexed about it all, but John’s look was one of confusion mingled with guarded hope for the impossible. I only had a moment to ask him what he was sensing. He said the folded cloth set neatly to the side was so obviously a work of creative design. Why would grave robbers take the time to do such a thing? He saw the Master’s “fingerprints” all over it, and remembered his prediction that he would rise on the third day.

Hope and joy filled my soul again, but I hardly had time to think about the possibilities before the other women were at the door speaking of angels at the tomb announcing Jesus’ resurrection, and then seeing Jesus himself alive! They were trying to gather the rest of the disciples when Mary Magdalene returned excitedly saying she had also seen Jesus at the tomb after Peter and John left.

The excitement and hope was building in us, but as more of the Eleven arrived, they questioned the women and began giving looks of doubt about the truth of their story (or at least the women’s perception of it). Peter confirmed that the tomb was indeed empty, but said that he and John saw no one. Even John did not speak up in the women’s defense and risk the disapproval of the other men. Some began to make excuses for the women being in a state of confusion, fear, and grief, so it was “understandable” that their imaginations would “run wild”. As the women told of the angel at the tomb giving instructions for the disciples and Peter specifically to meet the Master in Galilee, Peter got up and went out again. We all thought perhaps he was still agonizing over his denial of the Master, and couldn’t imagine Jesus wanting to see him even if he was alive again.

Since the general consensus among the men was to reject the women’s story as nonsense, they dispersed, agreeing to return again for supper in the evening. Cleopas and another disciple said they would not be able to return then since they were traveling on to Emmaus to spend the night.

The day dragged on with the women comparing stories until they finally became so discouraged they too were beginning to think they had imagined it all. Only Mary Magdalene stood firm because Jesus had called her by name, and she had touched him. Only a “sheep” so desperately lost, but now found would never forget her Shepherd’s voice and embrace.

As evening approached, the apostles (minus Thomas and Peter) gathered together again with some of the other disciples who had heard about the events of the day. Several had been concerned for Peter since he had been gone all day, but no one had returned to the tomb to look for him there. When he finally reentered the house, his face no longer reflected the shame, disbelief, and confusion he had left with. Revealing a humble brokenness totally uncharacteristic of him, he said that the women’s story was true. Jesus was alive and had appeared to him. No one dared to ask for details as the meeting had obviously impacted him deeply.

The excitement began to slowly build as others now came to believe the truth of Christ’s resurrection. Suddenly Cleopas and his traveling companion rushed into the room telling their story of Jesus appearing to them on the road to Emmaus, explaining the Scriptures about the Messiah, breaking bread with them, and then disappearing before their eyes.

In the midst of the celebration, a calm presence entered the room even though the door had not opened. Not one of us doubted his identity before we even turned to see Jesus standing there. As he said, “Peace be with you”, fear and disbelief melted away with the love in his eyes and the smile on his face. Yet, in that same love, he rebuked those who had doubted not only the women’s testimony, but his own prophecy regarding his resurrection. He could tell that some still wondered about the physical reality of his body, so he asked to eat and was given some fish which he ate before us. He showed us the nail scars in his hands and feet, and once again assured us of his peace being with us.

I don’t know when it was that he left as suddenly as he came, but his breath of new life remained in us, and we all knew that it was only the beginning of fulfilled promises for the future. The feeling was not totally new to me, as almost 34 years ago, another eternal spirit housed in a human form appeared to me announcing a miraculous sign. He said that the Holy Spirit would come upon me and conceive a child in me who would be ‘’Emmanuel —God with us”. For nine months that divine Spirit lived within me, followed by 33 years with me. God was answering my prayer of this morning for wisdom to understand His purposes. That same Spirit can permanently indwell us because our souls have now been restored to the Father through His perfect sacrifice offered in our place. Jesus’ cry from the cross that his God had forsaken him signaled the moment of hope for our eternal restoration into relationship with our Father. Through bearing our sin that separated him from a holy God, Jesus opened the way to reunite us with Him as His children once again.

Thank you Son, for coming, living, bearing the penalty of our sin, dying, and now giving us the eternal hope of living with you, our brother, in the Presence of our Heavenly Father forever!

“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord

And my spirit rejoices in God, my Savior…

For the Mighty One has done great things for me

And Holy is His Name”

“…Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins”

Thank you Father for our (may I still call him?…) “Son”!

 Passover week Sabbath

 The sun was well up in the sky when I finally woke this morning from a terrifying dream. In the nightmare I saw my son bound and laid on a altar of wood. His eyes were fixed on mine with a look of complete love and forgiveness as I raised a knife to plunge into his heart. As the knife came down, I woke with a start, grateful it was just a dream.

 But my relief was only for an instant as I bowed my head to my chest and saw my own bloodstained garments. The true nightmare returned with a demonic vengeance! The horror of yesterday’s events flooded my mind all over again, and I cried out to God. John and his mother quickly came to my side to comfort me even in the midst of their own grief.

 They had taken me into their home after it was over, and finally, late into the night, I had cried myself into an exhausted deathlike sleep.

 It seemed like an eternity since the previous night after the Passover supper. Very early the next morning, I was awakened by commotion outside my room. I heard anxious voices (one of which I recognized as John’s) mentioning my name and Jesus’ several times. When I got up and went out, John came to embrace me and tell me the terrible news. Jesus had been betrayed and taken into custody by the chief priests and Pharisees. He had been illegally tried, found guilty of blasphemy, and even then, as John had come to find me, was on his way to Pilate, the Roman governor. The Sanhedrin hoped he would condemn him to death (crucifixion). John had been able to see much of what happened in the various “trials” and told of false witnesses giving conflicting testimonies. But Jesus has “sealed his own fate” when he proclaimed himself as “the Christ who would sit at the right hand of God.” The high priest tore his robes, and Jesus was taken away condemned as worthy of death. All the other disciples had deserted him. Only John remained, and had helped Peter gain entrance into the courtyard. As Jesus was led out, the rooster crowed, and Peter’s eyes met his Master’s. John saw the pain in both of their eyes, and Peter ran weeping into the night.

 I dressed quickly and ran with John to the Roman Praetorian. A large crowd had gathered outside and we heard many angrily speaking lies about Jesus. Soon Pilate himself came out and presented the crowd with the choice of releasing Jesus or Barabbas in honor of Passover. My relief to know that Jesus could now be free soon turned to incredulous horror as I heard several around me begin to shout for Barabbas, the murderer! The chief priests’ men were stirring up the crowd not only to demand Barabbas’ release, but to cry, “Crucify!” when asked what they would have done to Jesus. Pilate obviously knew he was an innocent man, and tried several times to influence the crowd to release him. But when they became more violent, his fear of a riot overrode his desire for justice, and he washed his hands of the matter. He gave in to their wishes, and sent Jesus to be flogged and crucified.

Others of Jesus’ followers and sympathizers gathered around us to share our disbelief and try to console one another. It seemed an eternity before we saw Jesus again, but when we did, I slumped to the ground in emotional agony. His face was hardly recognizable —blood dripping down from something on his head. The soldiers walking alongside him mocked him and hit him on the head with their weapons. When they did, they called him, “King”, and the blows caused the blood to flow freshly from what I realized was a crown of thorns. As he passed us I could see how his robe was soaked with blood from the brutal flogging. He was so weak that he was barely able to stand under the weight of the cross. He soon fell beneath it, and a man was pulled from the crowd to carry the cross for him. As Jesus saw me being held up by some other women who were also weeping, he told us to weep for ourselves, not him. The crowd grew and blocked our way from following him up the hill. I felt so weak I didn’t know if I could walk at all, but John came and asked if I wanted to continue on following Jesus, or return home. My flesh cried for escape, but my heart cried for my child.

John and some of the other women walked with me behind the crowd to the place of ‘the Skull’. When we arrived at the top, the three crosses were already in place, and my most horrible nightmare had become reality. As we came closer, the guards tried to push us away until they heard that I was his mother. They let John and a few other women pass as well since it was obvious I couldn’t go on alone. Fear kept me from raising my head until I was only a short distance from the foot of the center cross. The sounds alone were overwhelming —mocking screams from the crowd, the insensitive vulgarity of the Roman soldiers, and as I approached, the sounds of labored breathing and cries of excruciating pain from those above me. I didn’t know if I had the strength to look up, but knew that I must be there for my son, so I prayed for strength and raised my eyes to the central cross. The prophecy of Simeon 33 years ago was fulfilled, “a sword pierced my very soul”! Blood was everywhere —his head, his hands & feet, his chest & back, and every movement to keep breathing caused him to cry in agony. In my heart I cried out, “Father, he’s your Son too, how can you allow this to happen? You can save him, but I can do nothing.” Over his head was a sign that read, “The King of the Jews.” It was a title I hadn’t heard since he was visited by the eastern kings following his star. How long ago that now seemed.

Even in the midst of his pain, he spoke with one of the criminals beside him to comfort him. He even looked with mercy on those who were ridiculing him and asked God’s forgiveness for them in their ignorance. He then looked down and saw me standing with John. Again the look of love and compassion for my pain flooded his face. I saw tears flow from his eyes and knew that he truly loved me even with all my weaknesses and failures. And how well he had come to know those over the years! Yet he always honored and valued me because he knew His Father had given me to him as his mother.

He looked with love at John as well —the only one of the twelve who was there to stand with him —the “disciple Jesus loved.” John had come so far from being known as a”son of thunder” to the one who was unashamed to show his loving affection by leaning against him at supper the night before.

He spoke first to me regarding John, “Dear woman, behold your son,” then to John about me, “Here is your mother”. It seemed forever that he hung there in agonized breathing, pushing up with his feet to gasp air, only to cry out in pain for reopening the wound from the nail in his feet. It was several hours’ time, though it seemed an eternity, and the deepening darkness in my heart was reflected by the eerie darkness that had come over the whole city since the time he was lifted up on the cross. He cried out in thirst, but refused the drink offered, then to his Father, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” At that moment again the prophesied “sword pierced my soul”–to think that his Father, whose presence he had never been without, had deserted him as well! Yet at that very moment, I also felt a burden lift from me, and an unexplainable peace overwhelm me. He cried out, “It is finished” and then “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” The knife that the angel stopped in Abraham’s hand, now plunged into the heart of the only begotten son, and I saw in his face the “ram in the thicket” with the thorns on his brow. The Father had provided Himself —the “Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.”

Jesus’ life was over, and at that instant, we felt the earth shake as if creation was convulsing in pain and grief. I fell to the ground in sorrow and exhaustion, truly wishing that my life would end as well.

The Roman soldiers came near the crosses to hasten the prisoners’ deaths so the bodies could be removed before the Sabbath began. They broke the legs of the other two so they could no longer lift themselves up to breathe. When they saw that Jesus was already dead, one of the soldiers thrust his spear in his side. His blood had already separated, thus confirming his death. The bodies were taken down to be released to the families, and as I held his lifeless form, I thought back to a tiny child that I once laid in a manger so many years ago.

I had seen him take his first breath, and now his last. I just wanted to weep and hold him, but John came with two men who I had seen among the religious leaders before. I was too emotionally exhausted to be angry or question their presence, but learned that they were also Jesus’ followers who had offered to prepare his body for burial in one of their own tombs. I opened my arms to release him, but my heart will never let him go.

John took me to his home and left me in the care of his mother while he went out to look for Peter. I was numb to most everything around me, but heard others come into the house speaking of dead people being raised and the veil of the temple being torn in two when the earthquake came.

Some servants in the house offered to help me wash and prepare for bed, but I had no desire to do anything for myself other than collapse in emotional and physical exhaustion on the mat provided for me.

Some of the other women are going to Jesus’ tomb in the morning to complete the burial preparation that was hindered by the Sabbath. I won’t be going with them, as I don’t think I could possibly bear to see his lifeless body again. Father, is his life and mission on this earth really “finished” or do I dare to hold hope for tomorrow, “the third day”…?