| CARVIEW |
It hurts. Nobody ever told you that a broken heart could literally physically hurt. You gave this thing called love the best of you. You gave so much, you forgot to take care of you. You were caught up so deep you couldn’t hear the little voice any more. They talk about people losing themselves – it’s not just a thing they say in movies and books – you actually did lose yourself.
I know it feels like the ground underneath you suddenly isn’t there. All the things you knew to be true suddenly were gone and not only are they not true, but they don’t exist. You don’t even know how to put that into words, how to articulate it. You know they say to take it a day at a time. It feels like you can only take it a breath at a time because that’s all you can do – try and breath because even that is seems like the hardest thing to do – forget getting up in the morning, getting dressed and face the world. All you want is the world to stop. Just stop for a bit so you can lay down because trying to catch up with the world is proving impossible.
But it gets better. It’s a breath at a time today then a moment at a time, an hour at a time, a morning at a time, a day at a time, a week at a time and you get to a point where you are laughing with your family in the ocean on holiday and it’s a little shocking because you thought you would never laugh again. But you do – you laugh again. And you are showered with love from your family and it still hurts, but you can smile and laugh and sing in the shower and not think about it for a little while.
You will slowly realise you are the most important thing and you always come first and it’s ok to come first. You will remember to listen to the little voice your mother always tells you about. You will learn to trust it more and even when it comes in the form of an unsettling feeling somewhere deep down, you will listen because that little voice is looking out for you. You will learn to trust that the universe is looking out for you and there is always a reason for things to happen. You will learn that even if it feels like insurmountable pain and hurt of epic proportions, the universe will always find a way to make it better.
Remember you have always wanted to go to that place with the beautiful lake?
Well randomly, the stars align to give you a trip there. The universe is always good to you and looking out for you. The most amazing friends 
will be delivered to you as well and you will always be showered in love.
So trust the journey. Self awareness is a total nightmare sometimes, but you must always always be conscious of yourself and actually actively live and navigate through life without just floating through it unconsciously. Because that’s what life is about – living and not drifting.
In love and light always,
You
]]>1. You have fallen in love with the wrong person again.
2. Remember that he is the cage and you are the animal. He is your failing grace and the freckle on your eyelid. A blemish on otherwise flawless skin. Smooth out your skirt and do not look at him.
3. When he calls, do not answer. When he texts, do not answer. Somewhere out there is The One, and you will miss him if you’re too busy lusting after the pulse of a man who doesn’t even worry when he hears that you’ve been crushed under the pressure of living.
4. Somewhere out there is a man willing to swallow your sadness whole. A man who would sew flower seeds into your front yard, plant a garden down your spine and speak galaxies to you.
5. You’ve hung his name up in lights on the red carpet in your mind. Take the sign down. Let it rust in the back alley of your gut.
6. List his faults in alphabetical order: Anger issues, bad posture, crooked teeth, dangerous, emotionally fragile, fake, greedy, helpless, like a child –
7. Remember what you told your mom? The last thing you need now is a child.
8. If he makes you cry more often than he makes you laugh, do not let him back into your bed.
9. Some day you will both be dead, and you are wasting your time now. Rip the letters he wrote you to shreds and flush the remainders down the toilet.
10. Braid bravery in between the lines of your poems. You are not the weak girl he fell for years ago. Remember: he doesn’t love you. Unglue your heart from his and move on.
]]>Don’t marinate in your sadness. You are not a steak. You are a person; you’re irreplaceable. Open yourself up to contentment. Bathe in the rivers of Glee. Go for hikes with Satisfaction. Sleep in a warm cocoon of blankets with Bliss. Let endless happiness overcome your hopeless sadness. You deserve to be happy. If life is a game and you are the referee, be biased for once and let happiness win.
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“So get out while you can and start giving a shit; and if your heart breaks, let it break. Because it’ll be okay. You will be okay.”
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I was told it’s like uprooting a big grand mugumo tree. It feels like it’s coming up little by little. The ground around me is a mess. But it has to be a mess. Nobody else can help me do the uprooting. They all said time makes it easier. It does. It doesn’t just disappear, but every day, I find a remember something new. Remember myself and my worth and the fact that I’m better than some of those moments. When I speak to him and he says stupid things like he wants to be who he was 6 years ago. My soul says no. No I will not be with a person that weak. It hurts and hurts to come to terms with the fact that I loved him, still love him and it’s unhealthy. It’s taken it’s toll and is still taking it’s toll. There is an internal struggle in me because I know I deserve so much more and yet he makes me week and my heart wants to be with him. But they say clean cuts work best. Making a clean break. Just cut him out. It doesn’t make it easier when I bump into his mother at the shopping mall. So here is to a little faith that it all works out in the end somehow.
“It takes a lot more courage to let something go than it does to hang on to it, trying to make it better. Letting go doesn’t mean ignoring a situation. Letting go means accepting what is, exactly as it is, without fear, resistance, or a struggle for control. Letting go means standing still and letting the world, or a piece of it, crumble at your feet while saying to yourself, “Mmmm, that’s interesting!”
~Iyanla Vanzant
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I did one of the hardest things yesterday. It lifted a weight off my shoulders and as much as it feels amazing, it’s left me with a hollow place. It’s not the confused sad that I have been, but it’s a settling hurt. It’s a quiet hurt that is there and the universe again gives me little things like music. This has been playing today.
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I have been told it is grief. Apparently there are these stages that I have to go through. Today is Monday. It’s been a week. Last week at this time I was a total mess. I feel like I need something to hold on to and stick to that one direction but life doesn’t make it that easy. I feel torn, trapped and sometimes I have moments of clarity in one direction, sometimes I have clarity in a different direction. Sometimes I can’t breathe and can’t see through the fog and wonder just how long this will last. And that has happened a whole lot. Balancing fighting for love and fighting for myself. I know I have to fight for myself right now. Find my happy. Find me again. I also have to find it in me to let go of him. Let him find himself and find a healthy happy place in his life. I have to find it in myself to get angry at him, but forgive him at the end because that’s the only real way I will be able to let go and keep walking. I have to trust myself enough to know that I can make the right decisions. That right now I need to find me and whatever may come after this, I will handle. I will be strong enough and clear minded enough devoid of swirling emotions in my mind to make the right call.
I’m directing good thoughts at him to find his happy but I am going to actively start looking for mine.
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