Follow your heart and your passion, whatever it may be… It’s important to have dreams, confidence, and an unshakable trust in your own self-worth. “You can do anything you want if you set your mind to it”…
In Sydney’s current lockdown it’s really forced me to think about things and I needed to blog it out (whilst I can’t sleep). What are my passions, what do I love, what do I miss and what’s not a challenge anymore. Why do we hang on when we probably should let go? I think that we just need to focus on the inside. At the end of the day, if it’s your last day on earth, what are you most proud of? Who are you as a person?…
It’s ironic that’s what I posted on my first blog when I stopped gymnastics, dancing and musical theatre, I wanted to be happy and I had just started triathlon/ running. I was going to delete my posts on here, but I feel my posts still apply, even if I’m not exactly where I thought I’d be! It’s actually scary how quickly time goes… Now going into month three of lockdown, I think, (seriously at this point I’ve stopped counting) but it’s made me really think about life in general and also ask myself: “what do you want to achieve, why and what environment really makes you happy?”… It’s weird that I look at others and think wow they’ve achieved so much in their field, yet I’m still not sure I’ve achieved anything really significant. Although I don’t compare myself to others, it’s nice to recognise how others have worked hard and achieved their dreams. Meanwhile I have no idea what my dreams are anymore… I know people say: “but you’re still young you’ve got so much time” but do we?! Corona has sadly changed things forever and what I once thought was where I wanted to be doesn’t seem so important anymore. Yet I’d still like to believe there is an ultimate plan!
I feel I haven’t lived up to anyone’s expectations of me or my own, which hurts the most, so much wasted potential. Every teacher I’ve had always told me that I could do anything I wanted, yet I never really knew exactly what that was, also at the time I didn’t really believe it. I know all the things I love, which is a lot as I have so many interests/ passions (perhaps that’s the problem).
I’ve been running now for 10 years, it’s the longest I’ve ever stuck at something (although many of those years I have been injured/ sick or both) yet I don’t think I want to compete at an elite level again. Whilst I will always run as an outlet, I think I need new challenging things, don’t get me wrong I love (almost) everything about running, especially travelling overseas, meeting new people, competing with the best in the world, the feeling of giving everything on the track and in a race (although that’s yet to happen), but I don’t know if I want to go through it all again. At the moment I’m probably the most unfit I’ve been, (I’ve said that each time on here) but I’m just happy jogging along getting to 6km now without stopping is an achievement in itself…
What also hit me whist talking to old teachers is that I do need to remind myself that I can still can do anything and it’s not too late, there’s really no such thing as too late! Everyone runs on their own time, achieves things at a different pace. Even if I do think I peaked at school, yes I didn’t quite do what I had planned, Medicine wasn’t for me, circumstances changed, really shit things happened and what I thought I’d do isn’t anywhere near it!
Although right now it doesn’t feel like we can do anything being stuck in lockdown, but everything I’ve been taught by so many amazing teachers and coaches over the years has made me the person I am today. It took me a long time to actually have confidence in myself that I wish came a lot sooner. I don’t know why but I never felt like I was enough, I always had to do more, I felt like I didn’t deserve happiness, that everything bad that had occurred was in fact my fault, everything had to be perfect, (which took time to realise it’s actually un-achievable) and whist I don’t regret anything, I do wish I had learnt these lessons sooner.
We are all our worst critics, some worse than others. Even as a runner I always feel like a failure if my race doesn’t go to plan or I don’t achieve what I want. For a long time from gymnastics, dancing, diving to running I was struggling. Many times it’s felt like I couldn’t get out of my hole, those times I should have talked to someone, I always felt like I had to be strong and put on a smile for friends, yet I was hurting. I feel bad for the many times I’ve said I was ok when I wasn’t. To the many teachers and coaches I had to lie to. I felt like I had to have everything under control, yet really there was something controlling me. It’s taken so long to get to that point that I’m actually better and stronger. I’m proud because it’s really something you have to work so hard at. Whilst I’m still not ready to write it all out as there’s so much. I want others to know things get easier, but it takes soooooo much work and letting people help you, which was probably one of the hardest things for me.
Thankfully it’s been said we are not strange for feeling self-doubt. Everyone does. Even the people who you think have it all perfect, there’s no such thing! We all have our own unique talents. It’s what makes us all special. And what you have, someone else doesn’t. That’s why we’re all individuals. We come with our own personality, style, sense of humour, looks, laugh, voice, and talent. Be true to yourself, be honest with yourself!
After lockdown ends (hopefully soon) things will be different, my goals have altered because we truly can do anything we want. Your skills/ talents are never lost. What you have learnt in the past will be with you. You take the knowledge and experience you have gained in everything you’ve done and it makes you a more valuable person. It really is true that there’s no such thing as failure as long as you’re learning and doing what you truly love. We only get one life and we all deserve to be happy! 💖💖💖
<<I love following the black line, szzz… drowning!>>
I believe that we are responsible for our choices and we have to accept the consequences of every word, and thought throughout our life… It’s funny how things don’t always go how you plan. You think you have everything under control and then a few wrong choices means you end up injured.
keepmoving4wd 
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