I stay within coz they make me feel safe and protected.

I’m fine as long as the space is small and closed. But the minute the spaces starts to get bigger, my mind starts racing. It makes me feel vulnerable even if the doors are closed.

What is this obsession with safety in closed small spaces?

Why is hard to find calmness in the open?.. what are these feelings and where is this fear originating from?

Why cannot I just be? Why do I have to be occupied every second of the minute?

What demons of my mind am I running away from?

Can I survive in a new space? What if the day comes and my fear isn’t actually about finding a new place but actually the fear of being not being able to find solace in the new place? Can I overcome this fear?

It feels as if I’m setting myself up for failure by stagnating. If so, why? .. why am I so set on stagnating my entire life, on all fronts? Why cannot I seem to take that one step out in any direction?

It is not just the physical walls but it seems as if that even mentally and emotionally, I’ve put myself in a space tight shut around with unbreakable walls and threw the key somewhere.

Is the mental prison my real barrier that is creating some fear for real walls and a false sense of safety within the confines of my home? Is this what they call projection?

I have always been a closed person and did a lifetime of closed experiences lead me to this day? Never sharing, never talking about the things in my head, taking up superficial battles, living in my head, fighting and struggling in my own head, trying to survive all this .. what am I?I

It is one thing being a difficult person for the world to deal with, but becoming so difficult for even yourself to deal with is unimaginable. Or maybe it isn’t. If it is such a rarity, then there wouldn’t be so many suicides in this world.

I wish i catch a break from all this in someway or the other and still not ruin myself with endless distractions as a way to survive. That would be my miracle.

A new phone

A smart watch

A chess set

Jukebox

Glass spice jars

Wrist bands

Cut their nails

Pain relief patches

Spend a couple of days every month

Take them somewhere every couple of months

Sort their home

Cook a few meals

Make them dried spice powders

Food processor

Check out their reward points and credit card bills

Help them with electronics

Help with things around the home.

Do some gardening

Forgive them, for they did their best with all the best intentions.

Time

Forgive yourself for not realising these any earlier.

Have a go bag ready with everything I’d need for a 2-3 day getaway. Plan and book one every month. Make a list of places that I’d want to visit and just go. Sometimes, just go on the whim, spontaneously, just like that. Live life a little the way you dream of.

Buy some gym wear and enroll in a gym. Go for atleast 4 days a week and ask for strength training and less cardio exercises. Ask for a boxing class around. Wear those clothes that you always dream of.

Make a list of all the libraries in and around the city and visit one every week. Get a membership at the nearest one. Donate some of your own books. Live this dream too a little.

Visit the salon atleast once a month, preferably on a week day and get all those things done. Waxing, hair coloring, manipedi, hair cut and a facial.

Get a massage done at home once every couple of months. Make a monthly thing to wax your face too. Plan these things, allocate budget to these. Live life a little.

Write down what you feel more often. Write happy, write sad, write good, write bad. Just write.

Watch a little less but watch good content. Watch things that give you joy, that make you feel, that make you cry. Watch but prefer quality over quantity. Spare yourselves a little to live your dreams.

Be kind to yourself, be forgiving towards yourself. No one else cares about you as much as you do, so stop taking yourself so seriously and chill a little. Smell some coffee and smile at the world, it doesn’t hate you.

I don’t really care if you learn or earn or if you make progress in career or if you find a guy, coz that’s the life you escaped from to live the one that let’s you stay sane and alive. If any and all of these happen, good for you. If not, nothing changes anyways. They have to be the byproducts of a happy life you are leading but they aren’t targets on their own. Give yourself the room to breathe.

Love yourself a little, be overconfident, be your biggest cheerleader and hype master.

Find ways to not just help yourself but others too. Your soul thrives on service. Be a bit useful to someone else every once in a while. If not anything, cook something and send it to the orphanage or simply go and spend time with the kids there. Fill your soul a little too.

There are so many nonlinear thoughts running all over the place in my head and the usual me would hide under the blanket or numb my head by binge watching something or tire myself out with never ending chores at home.

At the moment, none of those are viable. And hence this attempt to pacify my neurons.

You know how we overcome our worries, fears and hurdles by deciding to face them head-on, I guess that’s the only way to deal with one’s own destructive self. Not everyone practices self harm in the same way. I’m a master self saboteur who only realises the impact of the devastation I left behind way after I leave the scene. So I guess this is my attempt to face this demon head-on.

You can always outrun your peers or competition but it is a real race when you are in competition with some imaginary version of yourself. How do you level up to the one in your expectations and how does one cope up with the failure derived off an imaginary version of success? .. How do I survive this?

The only thing I could do is to be that person I admire. Even if it is one teeny tiny thing a day, do things that you admire. Act like that person that you admire. Do things that create value for yourself within you. Be that someone who has your respect. Collect all those admirable and respectable qualities in all those people you adore, love, respect and admire. Make those life goals to achieve. That’s how we reach where we really want to be.

It need not always be a super tough goal or task like be as wealthy or as fit as this person. It could also be a simple thing like, give a pleasant smile like this person or smell nice like this person. All it takes is to make a habit to be kind or simply buying a perfume. Not just life altering big ones but small goals are good too. They not only give you immense satisfaction upon achievement but also give you the strength to make a push for the bigger ones.

The important aspect of this exercise is to find your goals and making a plan to achieve them. Walking the talk is as important as the talk itself and a never giveup attitude will aid you in days when things get tough and there seems no win or way around.