How shall I feel, think, value and react to it.

God be with me, and help me.

They were there for months, and when I touched it, it felt dry and flaky, yet it won’t peel. And sometimes I tried to peel it with my fingers but it doesn’t go away.  Now there are even more scars on my face.

 I went to see a local doctor and she gave me some antibiotic cream, but it didn’t help. Also i started scratching it, hoping it may peel off, but no, new one start emerging, and the have the same stubborn skin and texture as the original. I checked the internet for a name to call it, and I foudn the term cutaneous lesions which is one of the early symptoms of the disease. I got panic. 

never before have I felt so helpless, and sorry, than to read about the new synmptoms.  I went home, couldn’t sleep. Lied on my bed.  Refused to let it go, and checked the internet again wanting to confirm what is cutaneous lesion. 

 Then I found the answer. It is not just about the dry flaky skin, it isa general term for all kinds of skin diseases.  I don’t know whether to take comfort in that, as the past few weeks and months I have noticed rare bums and rashes on my torso and limbs. They come and go, but for sure they are not insect bites.

Not much, but an occassional red dot here and there to remind me that something is alive beneath the skin, and traying to get out.  i was just in an observing mode. wait and see if anything more serious would crop out until saw the scars on my face that didn’t go away.

I remembered going to see the pharmacist months ago, and they even gave me some strong medicine, but the wounds are still there. That means these lesions are more stubborn than the usual ones. Other than the usual spate of rashes, my health was relatively normal, although my tongue turn yellow from time to time.

I jsut want to say that all these symnptoms were not there in my past life… I mean I never saw or experienced these symptoms before.  And also in the past weeks, I noticed things I usually don’ – messages about life and death, as though my subconscious was trying to communicate with me, and give me a signal. It is one of thsoe thinsg I want to put behind.

And I realise there could be 1001 symptoms pointingt o the disease. just google search anything with hiv, and you will find thousands of related or unrelated articles.  So this unrest will continue until I have actully confront it. I know it ain’t over till it’s over until I get another test after the six months mark. And now is nearly a year after. 

With so many things coming up in my life… I cannot afford to second guess my health. Really.  I thought if I cna find negative thigs on the internet about HIV, I reckon I could also find soemthing positive. So I search under differing keywords like the accurarcy of HIV test until I come across an article that says with the advancement of technology today, a blood test done in three months is virtually 100 per cent accurate, which means to say, after my blood test resutl came out negative in August, I shoudln’t be worried. 

In fact nowadays, three weeks is enough to give you the results, not three months. Resting on that assurance, I decided to go get my second blood test today. I really can’t tell… should I follow my feelings, my gut instinct, or my mind.  You know the truth is the results can swing both ways because i have had my share of scary unexplainable symptoms. Furthermore due to my increased body weight, the chances are,  more fat in my body could trigger more lesions. In fact there was a tingling sensation on my feet a couple of weeks back, while walking around the office. 

This is another symptom of the disease actually, which I have never experienced before. But like the doctor said these are non-specific symptoms.  I dunno what to think anymore… I have been through the mill. I have had my roller coaster ride. I have my assurance -the three month blood test was negative. 

But this is not a picnic, whatever result I get would be life changing.  But inevitable. It is not something that I can hide or run away with.  All I know is to choose and do the best with whatever opportunities and outcome I have in life.  

But unlike my previous test which is still within the window period, this one is for certain. This one is for real.  It’s been more than a year.  The doctor said it is time to close this chapter…  

 Please pray for me.

Hi Richard.
I am back. Thanks for your e-mails. For the past month I have been lying low. I guess to recuperate from the stress I went though. Immediately after the blood test, i stopped taking all the medication and vitamins i was on. I just wanted to stay clear from all the signs and symptoms related to the disease. I stopped surfing the internet for details. I monitored myself to see whether there is any physical improvement than before and how I feel generally – my yellow tongue is still there. I felt fatigue several weeks ago, but my health is generally stable and improving, although I am overweight at the moment. My bowel movements is improving too. So you can say I am in the “wait and see” mode. As I try to put the past behind, it doesn’t mean I forgot the breakthrough that I have experienced, and my gratefulness to God delivering me from this bondage, although it seemed like a lifetime ago, the events that happened a month ago. I just try to put it behind me, while gaining my composure. One of the most important question a sister asked me was how would I live my life differently if I did not get the disease. It was a joyful question with many golden possibilities. Right then, I knew how I would live my life. Basically I will be all I can be, and allow myself to climb higher than before, to be a shining example and a contribution to others. But actually my answer was simpler than that. I said I want to allow myself to be happy. I believe the sky is the limit if I am well and I can live my life normally again. I guess most people are stopped in their minds when they think too much and focus on their limitations, but when you are delivered from death, basically there is no stopping you now. What can be worst than a death sentence, and what greater joy than to be delivered from it. Deep inside I will not forget what happen. now the path is widened for me and I can see the horizon in the end. It is time to get up and go. To be a testimony and to bring the message across that I have been healed. I remembered the dramatic events that led to my blood test. some of the postings I have yet to write. I want to compile all these and turn it into a book. And when the momentum is there… there is no turning back but to go, go, go. At the moment I am very much alive and grateful. The whole episode has been a humbling experience for me, that I do not just live for myself, and think for myself, and live my life as a means to an end, but also to be aware of my spiritual life and my relationship with God which needs to be built, and my responsibility unto others, and even myself. There is a need to seize the day, to push myself to greater limits and to make the best of what God has given to me so that I do not live in vain, and squander all my opportunities. Instead I must be productive and multiply the talents that God has given me. I am still in the healing process, not only physically, but mentally and emotinally to be a complete human being. I need to pick myself up wherever I am and just go the distance with the life God has given me, now and forever, so that my life may never be the same again, and I may be a blessing unto others and to glorify His name. Amen.

Our brother is healed !
August 13th, 2007

Jonah, our brother at “Jonah’s Journey” has been battling the symptoms of HIV for three months now. Yesterday he received his final testing, and Praise God he Is NOT POSITIVE. Praise God he has been healed by the blood of Jesus! Our brother is a living testimony.

The results after 3 months is 99.9 percent conclusive said the specialist.

And August 10 marks three months and five days after my exposure.

A good friend who just returned frm overseas called. I can see her name flashing on my handphone but I did not answer. I would love to speak to her, but I couldn’t. this is the day.

So I left my house. I went for breakfast, which I tried to take nice and slow…

“there is no need to rush,” I said to myself. Whatever is there is there already, there is no running away from it. The only thing is to prepare myself to come to terms with it, which is the hardest thing to do.

After paying for breakfast, i walked out the coffeeshop, and I looked around at others sitting there having their food. I  try to feel what they feel, and in my heart i wondered if they appreciate the life that they still have, and how fortunate they are if they have not contracted a terminal disease as mine was about to be “snatched” away. I figured for anybody who is still alive, and whose health is intact… there is no excuse and they  can achieve anything they

set their mind to, and it is a sheer waste if they think otherwise.

Nevertheless I try not to think of the worst case scenario…  of things falling apart when I am faced with the answer.

As I drove away from the coffeeshop, I felt my tongue was stinging. I realised the yellow tongue had started developing ulcers on the edges. What bad news. Even on the last day, I was not spared.

The disease is chasing me to the doorstep, even as reality sets in.  

it was 11.30am by now. My appointment card says 8.30am. but it doesn’t really matter.
Taking a bit time off on “the last day” of my life, is something I am deserving of. But as I drove my car into the adjacent road – the last stretch that leads to the hospital, i slowed down. The fear and apprehension at this stage was too unbearable. I decided to call the Befrienders again and this time a lady spoke to me.

I told her my fears and she said it is natural to be afraid, but I need to find the strength within me to go ahead

and to take my results. It calmed me down a bit after talking to someone, but a large part of me was still not prepared to go through with it.
As I “inched” myself forward to the hospital, I decided that I am not prepared for the answer and in “loving myself,” I made a detour to church, to reach out for someone who can pray for me, and to find any additional support to give me the courage to make this final lap.
So I reached the church which was about 10 mintues drive away.

I went to the office where a sister was working… I spoke to her more than a month ago, asking for direction to the church and she prayed for me over the phone, and what a difference that made, which caused a powerful breakdown and breakthrough in my life.

I had just called her a day before and shared my fears with her, and I decided she was the only person available at the moment who knew about my situation whom I can talk to, face-to- -face. So there i was appearing suddently at the church, where she works, and she was rather surprised to see me. I did not call her earlier, to make an appointment.
She said I should have called her, i wanted to, but i did not have her phone number. And this was an emergency to me.

So again i related my experience to her, and i told her I am not prepared to go through with this.  This is too much to bear for me.

We talked for awhile, and something she said brought courage back to me. And it was life and death are in God’s hands. And she urge me to go through with it. After all I do not know what the outcome will be. I started to feel better and I decided to go to the hospital. By then it was 12.30pm. there is a good chance the office is now closed for lunch, but i went anyway.

Along the way I try to take note of people’s look and expression, just to experience life from their perspective.  Life is the important keyword here, you don’t know what you have until you lose it. i felt numb as I went to the hospital  against my will to find out the results.

So I took the lift up to the first floor, and walked to the entrance of the clinic. Just as i was about to walk in, the HIV doctor walked out.

It was lunch break, and he was leaving. I called him. He recognised me. I said i was late. he said the lab is closed for lunch there is no way to check. He asked why I was late. i said i was too “chicken shit” to find out my status. Then he asked me to follow him and I went inside his room, sat on the same chair where I he took my blood three days ago.

He asked if i am afraid why did I come back. I said: “I needed to know.”

IT WAS THE MOMENT OF TRUTH. He typed in my code number into his computer and waited for an answer.

I covered my face with my hands, like a child in fear when watching a horror movie.

I look at his face, he seemed relaxed, and he said i was negative. What????!! I exclaimed. Are you sure? He said there is nothing on his computer screen to indicate that i was positive, but he needed to call the lab to verify.

I said how do you know? He said usually if a patient is positive, there would be a message on top of the screen to do a retest. And in my case there was no message, so he interpreted it as a negative. I asked him: “Is this 50% chance, 80%, or 90% chance i am negative?” and he answered “100%”, but just that he needs to call the lab to verify.
I looked at his computer screen. It was a blank screen which says non-printable result, but there was no direct confirmation that it was negative. So I said this is not a valid answer that i am negative.

And he asked me to return to the hospital about 2.30pm about one-and-a-half hour later, as he needs to double-check with the lab.

At this juncture there was a huge relief, but a part in me said: “wait a minute. perhaps, it was a non-answer.” Perhaps the results are not ready, that is why the lab posted the words non-printable result, which throws me back to ground zero, resetting my fear all over again that I could be positive.
I was a bit annoyed at this stage. How can the doctor simply give me a false assurance when there was no positive proof what the result might be. So now the challenge is to come back again to face the music – a double hurdle.
I went back to office, did some work. (More like waking around and surfing the internet). I left the office later about 4pm, just before office hours. Along the way the Christian lady from church called me to say she has a copy of the daily bread to pass on to me, there is a passage that talks about “suffering,” just as I was walking to the hospital. Another intervention from above? 

So I walked though the same route and headed towards the clinic. this time was suspicion that the doctor gave me a “false assurance” was gnawing at me, because right up to that point I was still uncertain.
At the clinic I knocked and opened the door, and saw a lady doctor there. 

I asked permission to speak to her for awhile. She also working at the Infectious Disease unit. She said the doctor was waiting for me earlier, but I did not come so he left. So she wanted to call him, but I said no, not yet.

I wanted to talk to her first. I wanted to know the procedure of acquiring blood test results. Is is the common practise, (as what I have written above)… for the doctor say i am negative, when there is no conclusive answer on the screen. Then she explained to me that is their procedure when it coems to HIV testing.

Anyway i related to her my fear of finding out the answer, eventhough physically i am already at the hospital. It was a case of so near yet so far. I told her, it is very difficult for me to confront the truth, because i do not know how to live with myself from now on if I am positive.

So she said there is nothing to fear, nowadays they have advance medication to treat the disease, not like before. But of course there will be some side-effects. Anyway i said my fear was more psychological than physical.
I told her about my symptoms. I showed her my tongue and she said: “That could be one of the symptoms, but it is not just that. Otherwise, it would make their life much easier.”

We talked for about 40 minutes, and she asked me if she could call the doctor to see me, as he was still in the hospital.

At the end i relented. “OK, time to face the truth….”, I said reluctantly.

Upon making the phonecall, the doctor came by immediately, but he seemed relaxed with a smile on his face, saying: “How long have you been talking to my colleague?”
He said he has verified with the lab and my result was negative.
“Are you sure?” I kept asking him, almost unbelievable. “Yes!” he said conclusively, smiling at me again, sharing a deep relief.

It was the happiest news to me. The worst day of my life, which has just turned into the best day of my life. I was relieved, and filled with inexplicable joy.
This torment and life-and death situation which has been haunting me for the past three months is now over, and by God’s grace i am still standing, though i found it hard to believe the results – because what happened was real to me. It was as real as it gets, right up to the last moment.

I was overjoyed. Praise GOD!!! for His deliverance. I am saved.

I couldn’t wait to meet the sister at the church to share with her the good news and to take the Daily Bread from her. We had tea later on for more fellowship and sharing./p>

At church, a brother called me to join their cell group meeting that night. Another “out of the blue” invitation. How can I turn down an opportunity to worship God after what I have been through.
I said: “YESSSS!” I can’t wait to go to the cell group to praise God and have fellowship with other Christians in sharing God’s word and celebrate the new found freedom I have in Christ Jesus my Lord and Saviour.

I was lost but now am found!

Amen.