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Hope Lives Here

29 May 2011 1 Comment

by JC in Family Making, God, Hard Lessons

When I am afraid to hope, the Lord tells me, “Hope lives here.”

When my guts are wrenched for the thousanth time in a day because someone has said or not said anything about my baby, God tells me, “I love you.”

I intended to put Jamey’s things away on Monday, but I don’t think I will now. God is telling me every second that we have reason to HOPE. I will take Him at His word.

—

There was drama in the case on Friday night. The girls half-sister who’s 12 years old, made up some allegations about her foster home (her aunt and uncle) and told the social worker that she just looooves Rob and me, and that she’s super close with us, and that she’s just really wanting all 5 of us to be a super-close-knit family and she can’t wait to be with her sisters again.

My take on it? That bio-dad got into her little head again and that she’s trying to do her best to get whatever she wants, and/or will give our phone numbers and/or location away to the bio-dad when she sees him again.

I am too tired to make much sense. I just came into my office to see Jamey’s basinnette and smell his blankets. They don’t smell like him anymore. The clothes I had for him won’t fit anymore either, as I am sure he’s nearing 10 pounds.

I miss Jamey so much. I feel like there should have been something I could have done to make it so the judge didn’t place him back with his bio-parents. Maybe I am the only one in this house who still misses him. Maybe everyone else has moved on.

I just know that there’s a Jamey-shaped hole in my heart, and I long to be complete again. Before he was my son, I was fine. But now, I know what I am missing. And it’s Jamey.

All the Time

24 May 2011 Leave a comment

by JC in God, Hard Lessons

God is good. All the time. He put a song of praise in this heart of mine. God is good, all the time. Through the darkest night, His light will shine. God is good. God is good. All the time.

When you’re walking, through the shadows, and there is darkness all around. Do no fear, for He will guide you. He will keep you safe and sound. For He has promised, never to leave me, and His mercies, THEY WILL NEVER END!

God is good. All the time. He put a song of praise in this heart of mine. God is good, all the time. Through the darkest night, His light will shine. God is good. God is good. All the time.

I like the one we sing for church a little better, but this is the song which has been running through my head since I awoke this morning. God IS good. His mercies never end.

Hope Hurts

21 May 2011 Leave a comment

by JC in Family Making, God, Hard Lessons

I know I have said it on this blog before, and I say it again: It hurts my heart sometimes to have hope. Having hope means not closing myself off to the possibilities that God has lined up for me.

I hope that Jamey comes back. But he may not. And because of that, the girls might be placed back with those same people also.

Hope hurts. But I’d rather have HOPE in my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, who is a SURE THING, than in the world, which is certainly not.

God help me. I can barely breathe for love and loss of my son to his bio-parents.

God’s Plan

20 May 2011 6 Comments

by JC in Family Making, God, Hard Lessons

Dear Father God,

I don’t know what your plan is for my life, but I accept it and submit to it. I love you and I want to be whatever you want me to be. Even if what you want me to be is not the mom to baby Jamey, or even my wonderful daughters.

Some time ago, I truly submitted to you, regarding health, finances, marriage, work, weight, potential adoption of my foster kids… anything in my life. And then when Jamey was placed back with his bio-parents, I took it all back and tried to be in control again.

Please forgive me. I love you and want to serve you. I cannot seem to find my way out of ALWAYS being in too much of a rush to be nice to my kids, or to give someone the time of day, so to speak. I know you want more for my life than a RUSHED existence. And apparently you need me to grow some more. Right this moment.

I HATE that Jamey is not with us. I am angry that you let me fall hard for this little boy… completely in love with him, only to be (you’re not letting me say “shattered” so I will say) hugely disappointed a little over a week later. I love you, Lord, and I am not understanding where you’re going with this. It’s hard to be “nice” and to keep faith when my heart still feels like it’s being ripped from my chest.

I want to punch something. I want to go get my baby back from those people. I am sad to say I have even entertained the notion of doing physical harm to the judge. Words like “stupid” “druggies” and “idiots” flyaround inside of my head when I a, thinking about my sweet baby boy.

A friend wrote to me last night. The sweetest thing. See, lately I have been angry when anyone mentions my boy’s name with such carelessness, like it doesn’t bother me that he is gone. My mom is a good one for this. And then there are the people (most people, really) who act like it never happened… they just say nothing. But this friend validated my feelings and is helping me to grieve, and perhaps I will come to terms with it one day.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND how I fell in love with him in just over a week. He is wonderful and beautiful, but why I am I still so upset? And why don’t I care that I am upset? I almost thrive on the gut-wrenched feeling right now. Is that sick? I don’t know. But it helps me to remember the smell and the softness of his little head, and the way he curled into my bosom. It helps me to know he was really my son, even if only for a short time.

GOD I AM SO MAD AT YOU!!!! Why did you let this happen? You could have stopped it! Why!!!!

Through my heart and 3 other people, y0u have told me every day for the last week that I need to trust in your plan for my life. God that is such a hard thing for me to do, but I will, if only out of sheer obedience. Please forgive my crummy attitude.

I love you. That is bigger than anything, except your love for me.

Help please.

Jayleigh

Lord, I Miss Jamey

14 May 2011 1 Comment

by JC in Family Making, God, Hard Lessons

Dear Father God,

I am trying to be a good mom and wife. I am going back to work in two days. I am exhausted and I am thinking, depressed. My soul shudders at the thought of Baby James being with those people, even though they let me hold him on Thursday.

Please help. You say that I need to pray for peace over the whole situation and that your will is done. I have prayed for that, but God I don’t feel any peace. My heart is breaking. You say it won’t be long, but I wonder… is that the same kind of “won’t be long” as when we waited SEVENTEEN YEARS to be parents? and EIGHTEEN YEARS to have a newborn? only to have him taken away after 9 1/2 days?

God! Really!

I am so tempted to ask why, but I don’t want to know why. I just want my Jamey back. I want our son to come back here and not go away again.,

——————— Oh God. You’re so funny. Just as I was getting into a real satisfying crying jag, you sent my beautiful daughters upstairs to check on me. “Why are you crying, Mommy?” … “I’m praying and writing and I just want to stop being so sad.” “About Jamey?” “Yes, about Jamey. I just miss him so.”

And now I get it. Though I am still not happy about my son being gone. And I don’t know what else to say or do.

Help?!

God is on His Throne

06 May 2011 Leave a comment

by JC in Family Making, God, Hard Lessons

Through all of this, I know God is on His throne. Even in my bitter weeping and empty heart, yes even then I can see and feel His presence.

I know of nothing in life half as awful as putting away the baby things. This is the second time now, and much worse, since the baby was here for over a week and will not be returned for the forseeable future.

In stunned silence, Rob and I left the courtroom this morning. We did a few errands and got half-way home before the tears came. It’s tempting to ask, “WHY ME, GOD? 18 years of infertility, then to place a newborn in our arms… for ONE WEEK?!!!” My insides are a gaping, bloody wound, and I shudder with new waves of tears.

James’ bassinette is within arms’ reach, and yet I don’t want to put it away yet. When I look at it, I can almost see his small, perfect form, sleeping away on that last morning he was here. I took many pictures, but none of them seemed to capture the essence of my sweet, sleeping babe.

He is such a good baby. So, so perfect. So snuggley, and with deep blue eyes and a head full of dark hair. My precious little boy. My Jamey.

I have worked my entire adult life, so diligently, on making sure that nobody ever sees this side of me. Sure, Rob knows it exists, and probably my sister and parents, but I won’t talk about it with anyone.

And now here it is: Jayleigh on the floor of the baby’s room, in a heap, weeping for the wee loved one who is now in the arms of his drug-abusing biological parents. My mind refuses to accept it. Every time I start to think about him, something goes off inside my head and I just shut down.

WHY!?!?!

Will my baby be returned to me? How long? After how much damage to his little soul? Or his little body?

God, I know you listened to me. I know you heard my prayers. I know you heard the prayers of my daughters and husband, and so many friends and family.

I’m now going through the house, making two piles of Jamey’s things. The first is to be put in totes back in the basement. The second is consumables- diapers, wipes, formula- which we are sending to the bio parents. Because it’s not for them, but for Jamey to have a full belly and a dry bottom.

And we’re not trying to evict him from our life. But we’re trying to be open to the moving of God’s Spirit. And HE doesn’t want me to be still and be overshadowed with darkness. Instead, He wants my heart to be open. To FEEL all of this and still have the capacity to love. To love the drug-abusing bio parents with Jesus’ love, and not hate them.

Because if I loved Jamey at all, then I need to- guardedly and at arms length-be a support to the parents while they have the child in their custody.

On my sidebar, there isn’t a category called “Surely I will Die” but there should be. And if I checked that one, I should also check the one which says “But the Lord says, “Surely you will not die, Jayleigh”.”

White Knitted Scarf I

20 Mar 2010 3 Comments

by JC in Ancient History, Childhood, Family, God, Hard Lessons, Victories

My Grandpa is dying. He’s been sick awhile, but now it’s bad and he’s in Hospice care.

In the last 27 years, not counting this last month, I have seen him a total of 3 times. He was a jerk and said some awful things about my mom in front of her. He missed birthdays, ignored graduations and weddings. He was a meannie-head on all counts.

But I guess we were all meannie-heads, because we continued the estrangement, even when he got sick and entered a nursing home. Finally, my mom decided to give up the argument, even though she clearly did not start it. She talked with him and they made up as much as I guess is possible. Then God began working in my heart, because I think my grandpa is not saved, and therefore I needed to do some finding out.

I saw him a month ago when he was in better health and I took some photos of my aunts and uncle with him at the nursing home. We chatted for a minute, but I didn’t want to quiz him in front of others. That’s not my style, and I am sure he wouldn’t have appreciated it. So I saw him again last Wednesday, and seriously, I thought he’d be around only another day or two at most.

My grandpa knitted me this scarf when I was 4 or 5 years old. I still have it and even wore it this past winter.

Rob and I talked with him, and tried to ask about his faith without coming off as being jerks, especially if he wasn’t wanting to talk about it. He said he was scared, but that he was ready for “whatever comes next”… so I told him we’d been praying for him, and he said thanks. Then we asked if he would mind us praying with him and he said it was OK.

Rob prayed so sweetly in a non-threatening way so Grandpa could hear him clearly. He said things like, “Thanks God, for sending Jesus to die for our sins, so that we have eternal life with you in Heaven, And that all we need to do is ask forgiveness amd accept Jesus into our hearts. It’s so easy, and all we need to do is ask Him, and it’s ours! Eternal life!”

It was a short prayer, and we three said, “Amen” when finished. I never remember Grandpa going to church or even being OK with listening about someone going to church. The last time I saw him with any regularity, I was 10. He seemed more at peace when we left, than when we arrived, but I was not. When we left the Hospital, I was in a torrent of tears… mostly because I had thought my life was going along easy-as-you-please… and I didn’t even think about this man and what it had done to our family that he disregarded us, and then we disregarded him.

Fast forward 10 days… I am up at 5 am because I am mulling things over. Grandpa has not done well over the past week and a half. He does not have much longer to live. After the hospital, Rob and I both had a feeling of peace about the situation, but if you’re not looking for it, peace can be fleeting. Not because God isn’t faithful, but because I am not.

There are so many things going on just now, and I have to work today… but I am still going to see him this afternoon because it gives him comfort. Most everyone else, he’s grouchy to, but not me. So. Here I go again with another long day, a trip to see my dying grandpa, and then, oddly, my 4 year old cousin’s birthday party.

I know not another thing to do, and so I sing:

I love you Lord
and I lift my voice
to worship You
oh my soul, rejoice.

Take joy my King
in what you hear.
Let it be a sweet sweet sound
in your ear.

Jealous Guardianship

10 Feb 2010 Leave a comment

by JC in God, Hard Lessons, Work

One of my blog friends posted this on her site several years ago. I knew immediately that it pertained to me, and it’s been on a link here for a long time.

I want to bring it to the forefront today, because I have been taking such hits at work lately and have been in such a state of confusion, that I know I cannot retaliate evil for evil. I know I mus

The second piece is Romans 12.

OTHERS MAY: YOU CANNOT -by G. D. Watson (1845-1924).

Others may boast of themselves, of their work, of their successes, of their writings, but the Holy Spirit will not allow you to do any such thing, and if you begin it, He will lead you into some deep mortification that will make you despise yourself and all your good works. Others may be allowed to succeed in making money, or may have a legacy left to them, but it is likely God will keep you poor, because He wants you to have something far better than gold, namely, a helpless dependence upon Him, that He may have the privilege of supplying your needs day by day out of an unseen treasury.

The Lord may let others be honored and put forward, and keep you hidden in obscurity, because He wants to produce some choice fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade. He may let others be great, but keep you small. He may let others do a work for Him and get the credit for it, but He will make you work and toil on without knowing how much you are doing; and then to make your work still more precious He may let others get credit for the work which you have done, and thus make YOUR REWARD TEN TIMES GREATER WHEN JESUS COMES.

The Holy Spirit will put a strict watch over you, with a jealous love, and will rebuke you for little words and feelings or for wasting your time, which other Christians never feel distressed over. So make up your mind that God is an Infinitely Sovereign Being, and has a right to do as He pleases with His own. He may not explain to you a thousand things which puzzle your reason in His dealings with you, but if you absolutely sell yourself to be His love slave, He will wrap you up in Jealous Love, and bestow upon you many blessings which come only to those who are in the inner circle.

Settle it forever, then that you are to DEAL DIRECTLY WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT, and that He is to have the privilege of tying your tongue, or chaining your hand, or closing your eyes, in ways that He does not seem to use with others. Now, when you are so possessed with the living God that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this PECULIAR, PERSONAL, PRIVATE, JEALOUS GUARDIANSHIP AND MANAGEMENT OF THE HOLY SPIRIT OVER YOUR LIFE, then you will have found the vestibule of Heaven.

If God has called you to be really like Jesus He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility, and put upon you such demands of obedience, that you will not be able to follow other people, or measure yourself by other Christians, and in many ways He will seem to let other people do things which He will not let you do.

Other Christians and ministers who seem very religious and useful, may push themselves, pull wires, and work schemes to carry out their plans, but you cannot do it, and if you attempt it, you will meet with such failure and rebuke from the Lord as to make you sorely penitent.

Romans 12

Living Sacrifices

¹Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. ²Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

³For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. ⁴Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to hisfaith. ⁷If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; ⁸if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Love

⁹Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹²Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

¹⁷Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. ¹⁸If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”says the Lord. ²⁰On the contrary:
   “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
      if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
   In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” ²¹Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I Love You Lord

08 Feb 2010 1 Comment

by JC in Friends, God, Hard Lessons

My heart is heavy tonight. Ugh. We spent a sweet afternoon and night and day with our friends and fellow pastor and wife about 50 miles from here. There is great contention in their church, and our friend was back today 5 weeks post-cardiac-surgery. Evil attitudes and unhealthy attachments have run rampant in this church and I have a hard time believing that neither of our friends could have dealt with these issues before they became SO HUGE.

The deal is this: in our church, if Rob and I had visitors, the people would practically bowl them over with love. They’d shake hands and talk to our visitors, they’d make sure they had coffee and cookies, and had signed the guest book. Rob and I would have a hard time leaving, because people would be trying to chat up our visitors. That is how our people operate.

In the church we visited today, our friend introduced us around while her pastor-husband got ready for worship. Nobody asked who we were. She introduced us to people as “our friends: pastor and wife from The Big City” and introduced a few people to us. I tried making conversation with a few of the people, but they all looked away.

The one fellow who would talk with us, did not talk especially nicely about the pastor. It was such a weird weird vibe and after having experienced that today, my heart hurts for my dear friends. Can they REALLY not know where the problem lies? Can they really be so ill-received?

There was one couple in particular who avoided our friends LIKE THE PLAGUE, and us as well. I stepped into her path, on purpose, knowing she was an instigator in the bad situation going on. She got a smirk on her face and said to her grandson, “Get over here, You!” and walked RIGHT OUT THE DOOR.

I am certianly not saying that I am some sort of put-back-together-er… or even more than just a decent human being who LOVES HER LORD. But sheesh! In our church, I am so well received. I can talk and DO talk with anyone and everyone. If someone seems left out, I will bring them into a conversation, give them a hug, or do whatever my Lord asks me to… in my church I am not persecuted (much!) and if I am, I take the bull by the horns and talk to the person who is upsetting me.

I just don’t get it.

Meanwhile, https://www.ccli.com/worshipresources/SongStories.cfm?itemID=7 and this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoNeeHbM7Og

Bridge of Dreams

30 Jan 2010 1 Comment

by JC in Ancient History, Do Unto Others, Family, Friends, God, Hard Lessons, Health, Home Improvement, In Appreciation, Marriage, Parenting, Pets, Prayers, Soapbox, Twins, Vanity, Vehicles, Victories, Work

OK first click this so you can listen to the song which was playing throughout my dream this morning.

Heavy worries and frustrations weighing on me like a ton of bricks.

This was a waking dream, kind of like my dream/vision many years ago called A Tale of Two Jayleighs. The previous song, “Lay ’em Down” by Need to Breathe was playing on and on in my dream.

I was walking with Jesus (it was so cool!) on a grassy hill. We were walking and talking about whatever, and I guess I was thinking about my bricks. You know, those bricks that weigh down your heart and make you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders? Those are same bricks which can interfere with my relationship with God, the ones I give up but somehow always find a way to steal back.

Two weeks ago when I had a “Heavy Revvy” about the bricks, I was calling it a “backpack of bricks,” but when I was walking with Jesus, it was more like a pallet of them. It reminded me of the way sometimes in video games, what you are working with is right there, floating along beside you, and there is no human way possible for you to ever ACTUALLY carry it, but it hovers there. The bricks were like that, floating along, annoyingly beside me while Jesus and I talked.

He glanced at the bricks and asked if I wanted to be rid of them yet. I said, “Yes! Please take them.” He told me that I had to give them to Him. So I tried to direct the bricks to Him, but it didn’t work. They came floating back to me. I tried again and failed. Then suddenly the path we were walking on came to an end. We were standing on the edge of a deep, slow-moving river. We wanted to go to the other side, but I couldn’t get rid of the bricks, because no matter how hard I tried to give them up, they all kept coming back to me.

Finally, Jesus took the pallet of bricks from me. They were not floating by Him; He was holding them, like I’d carry a tall stack of books. Next to Him, there was framework for a bridge crossing the river that I hadn’t seen before, and He looked at the bricks, and at me and said, “Lay ’em down.” I could see me kneeling beside Him, and I looked up and held out my hands for a brick. These were paving stones, like for a courtyard, and were thick, and weighed 10 pounds or more apiece.

Other bricks included things about my past, thinking ill of my boss, wanting babies, etc.

As I looked at the first brick, held it in my hands, I thought about a particular fight I’d had last fall with my sister. I said things that I knew were wrong. We got over the fight, and I asked forgiveness. I’d even say we’re better than we were before… but I still had lingering guilt over things that I said to purposefully hurt her. On the first brick, I imagined “fighting with my sister” to be imprinted on it, and I placed it on the framework.

I took each brick and imagined past misdeeds, frustrations, worries, petty upsets on them, and placed them face-down on the framework to the bridge. I worked as long and hard as I could, letting each brick pass from my hands to be mortared in place on the bridge build by Jesus.

Finally I stood back and Jesus took over. He worked and built a beautiful bridge with arches and multiple levels. He took something awful and old and crummy and made something so beautiful and useful and helpful to me out of all my old junk. And best of all, he made me take part in physically sticking down my worries and anger and CRUD down so I couldn’t get them back again.

My heart was so light when I woke up. My Jesus loves me so!

It was actually a bit smaller than this, but it was this pretty.

Drama with a Capital “D”

01 Jan 2010 3 Comments

by JC in Amusing, Friends, Hard Lessons, Twins

So my little neighborhood BFF is named Mindy, the same as my niece. BFF Mindy’s hubby had another incident last night, NYE, and they are maybe or maybe not separating today. Rob and I had Lexi and Ali, the two girls, this afternoon but they are back with their parents now.

I haven’t blogged much at all since we moved here to The City, mainly because my friends here are quite computer literate and I am not comfortable writing stories about them that they may somehow stumble across.

Our friends, Trina and The Brain and daughters are coming over shortly. We are exchanging gifts and hopefully getting some quality time playing Lego Star Wars for Wii. lolz. This coming from the former video game HATER, moi.

In other news, my sister Dotty (aka Joie de vivre) has picked out an engagement ring at the behest of her boyfriend. He took her to Tiffany & Co. in San Francisco. She was horrified if I asked if they walked in and asked for the cheapest thing they had. lolz. Since his family is from Barbados, they are planning the wedding for there. I cannot wait. Yeahhhhh.

And that’s about it.

Happy 2010 everyone.

And apparently, like most people, I am saying twenty-ten and not two-thousand-ten. I wish I were saying two-thousand-ten, but alas I cannot force myself.

Adieu and adieu.

Jayleigh

After 20 Years

13 Dec 2009 Leave a comment

by JC in Brain Dump, Friends, God, Hard Lessons, Victories

Dear Father God,

Kegan’s been fighting cancer for 20 years and you relieved him of his suffering one day ago. I know because of the way Kegan lived his faith in You, that he’s now dancing on streets of gold, basking in your presence. He is truly marching to Zion, without aid of a wheelchair. He has no more doctor’s appointments. He is in Heaven with You, and all the saints who’ve gone before. There is no longing in his life anymore.

And here we are on earth. It’s a cold, dreary December. I laugh and smile when I think that Kegan didn’t have to go to Florida this year to get decent weather in December. Do you have the prettiest beaches in Heaven? I know you’ll have a Corvette for him to drive 90 mph down your streets.

And here’s his wife, Cherie… who is happy for Kegan, and sad for herself. And their two grown sons, two daughters-in-law, and two grandsons. Most of them have a strong faith in you, but I know of one who wavers. Help them to grieve. Bind up their hurting hearts and help them to know that You love them.

Be with Rob between now and Tuesday, when he’s giving the eulogy at the funeral. Rob has never done this for a lifelong friend and mentor, and I worry for him some. Be with my dad who was very best friends with Kegan, and my mom who is supporting both my dad and Cherie.

Finally, dear precious Father, be with me as I am feeling this loss more intensely than I thought I ever could. Kegan and Cherie were my Sunday School teacher, my babysitter, my ally, my mentor and my friend. I never remember a time in my life that they were not in it.

I praise your name continually, because I know Kegan is no longer in pain. But this loss, after 20 years, well I guess we were beginning to think Kegan was invincible. But I know only you are. Thank you for giving me a chance to know him. I love you.

Jayleigh

My Little Kids

04 Nov 2009 Leave a comment

by JC in Friends, Hard Lessons

My Little Kids on the way to Lexi's first birthday party.

These are my sweet "little kids" who are moving all too soon.

My girls are moving to Ohio. They have been saying it for months and months, but I guess I didn’t really believe it would really happen, since the date has come and gone a few times and they are still here.

I don’t even know what to say. I am sad. I worry for them. I wonder if I will ever see them again. I pray that the Lord will always guard and guide them. I’m sure there’s more on my heart, but I am too flustered and frustrated to pinpoint it at the moment.

Dear Girls,

Rob and I love you. You three have brought great joy into our hearts since we have come to this City. You girls help me to have fun in spite of my best laid plans. God sent you into my life as a gift. Now I have to do these things on my own.

Always your friend,

Jayleigh

What You Don’t Know

30 Oct 2009 Leave a comment

by JC in Ancient History, Hard Lessons, Twins

Joie,

You never listen to me. When you do listen, it’s carefully and so you can find a chink in my “logic” and tell me in 20 ways why I am more wrong than any person who has ever lived.

You calmly told me just now how I made you feel so badly. Well YOU took it badly.

I love you, Joie. You are nothing other than perfection to me. I strive to be as funny, as cute, as “with it” and you accuse me FIFTY times in a single night of never standing up for you.

I utterly reject your position of the victim in tonight’s conversations. You are a strong and smart woman. I want to be your sister and your friend. But I will not be bullied into agreeing something which is not true: your assertion that I have said and done things to make you feel bad today.

I am sorry that I lost it and hung up the phone.

We’re letting the evil one win if we keep fighting.

I LOVE YOU.

Jay