What some of you may not know…

Is that, since as far back as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be on the radio. I love the idea of it. I like the intimacy. I like that my voice sounds cool when recorded. I like the idea of playing songs and having people bop around to them.

Yep, ol’ RTH has always wanted to be a D.J.

So, when my buddy Dom (aka “Maverick”, the father of my nephew Nicholas) expressed interest in doing a PodCast, I said “Sure!”

(with the caveat that I got to focus on the marketing, promotion, and content side while he did all the techie crap that makes me go “Ehh, I’ll just write it down.”

But! True to his word, Dom got us all PodCastable, and yesterday afternoon we knocked out our first show. It’s 27 1/2 minutes of irreverence, entertainment, and us fulfilling our Funkmaster Stern daydreams.

(pause)

So, without further ado, here is the link to the show:

https://usershare.net/0kk4vt9obnw2

You can stream it or download it. It’s the perfect companion to a train ride home, or to be entertained at work, or a nice alternative to morning radio drivel or afternoon drive repetitive playlists.

Thanks for checking it out.

Also… You can follow us/leave show ideas at https://www.twitter.com/reyanddomshow, or e-mail reyanddomshow@gmail.com

The show is its infancy, and you–YES YOU–can be a part of it!

–ReyTheHussein

Dr. Beardhussein Expounds on Summer 2010’s Lackluster Blockbusters

Check your watches…

Now, as we all know, I am cinematically easy.

I walks up into the movie theater and I’m already happy. I like going to the movies. I enjoy the entire experience and I’ve already covered why.

I don’t go by what’s “Good” or what’s “Bad.” I go by what is Entertaining, and what is not entertaining. I check my brain at the door and let my emotions take over. If a movie makes me happy, yay! If a movie makes me sad, yay! If a movie makes me laugh, yay! If a movie makes me think, yay!

I don’t care if the acting is stellar as long as the lines are delivered naturally, in a way people actually speak. I don’t care if the “plot” (a nebulous word that infuriates me to no end–as seen in my rant about “That Guy”-ing the plots of classic flicks such as The Godfather) is goofy or serious. Just tell me why the characters are doing what they’re doing, and make it interesting and logical enough so that my suspension of disbelief is left in tact.

Thems are my requirements. If those things are checked off, I’m gonna enjoy the movie and tell people I liked it. Let the critics criticize, Let the people that hate whiz-bang movies hate them, Let the acting’n’plot snobs find reasons not to like a movie. Whatever floats your boat.

Me? I’m not that much of a joyless prick.

#NoShots

***

That being said…

This summer was not a great summer at the movies. Strangely enough, the movies I felt the best after were movies that I had low expectations for (when your BFF is a manager at the local cinema and hooks you up with free passes, you can spend 2 hours on a low expectation movie and risk seeing a clunker) that ended up blowing me away.

There were sequels, reboots, tv-to-big-screen adaptations, comedies from mega-stars, and reimaginings. All of them duked it out from May ’til August, with wildly varying results. Luckily, your ol’ pal Rey is here to tell you what was entertaining and worth the time, and what was kiiind of a letdown.

Here…we go.

Movies That Were Awesome And Fun And Made Me Happy

1- Iron Man 2. You had Robert Downey Jr. back as Tony Stark/Iron Man. He was funny, he was heroic, he was vulnerable. You had Gwyneth Paltrow back as Pepper Potts. She was hot. She was loyal. She was hot. You had Don Cheadle taking over as Colonel James Rhodes. He was loyal, he was humorous, and he was brave. You had Mickey Rourke as Whiplash. He was sinister, he was cruel, but he also had that bit of logic that all good heels need to have. You had Samuel L. Jackson as Nicky Fury, and Samuel L. Jackson is always awesome. Lastly, you had Scarlett Johansson, who was so hot that I made “aaughghghghhhhh” noises every time she showed up on screen. Put another way: I would sell my younger brother into slavery to Jabba The Hutt for a long term relationship with Scarlett–and Mario would understand.

2- Get Him To The Greek. At first glance, I wondered if I would really find this funny. Unlike Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen, Jason Segel and Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill doesn’t have “Samuel L. Jackson Rule” status. So, while I was looking forward to seeing it, I was prepared to be let down. Oh Rey of little faith! I laughed my ass off both times I saw this movie. Russell Brand cracked me up, and Hill did a great job of playing an accessible every man. I would’ve preferred he play the same character he played in Forgetting Sarah Marshall (the Aldus Snow-obsessed waiter, Matthew), but I guess that would be a bit too coincidental. Either way, the movie was very funny and easily the best comedy to come out in Summer 2010.

3- The A-Team. Ten minutes into this movie I was already completely and totally overjoyed. It was funny, it had good action scenes, it had heroic bits… It was awesome. The entire flick was a guy movie paradise, full of insane capers and sequences that, while probably impossible in real life, made for the kind of viewing that 8 year old me would’ve acted out in the backyard for weeks. Unfortunately, the movie tanked at the box office, which means no sequel. I hope the DVD does well enough to warrant one, but my hopes for that are low. Still, the movie itself is a classic “Check Your Brain At The Door And Just Have Fun” experience, so do check it out.

4- Toy Story 3. Now, because I’m a loyalist, I must say that Wall*E is, IMO, Pixar’s crowning achievement (and still probably the most incredible movie I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing), but TS3 had a similar depth and maturity. Plus, the characters are well-known and loved (and overall more enjoyable than in 2009’s Up). Pixar definitely wins again, and this is the third straight summer those motherfuckers had me crying.

5- Despicable Me. Yep, another CGI movie. This one was a lot of fun. Great characters, a fun story, some depth, and a great score by *cringes* Pharrell Williams of the Neptunes. The voice cast was stellar, with Steve Carrell leading the way and Jason Segel as his adversary. This was a good kids flick that adults could like, and as an added bonus, it made me want Minions of my own. Pixar is still the GOAT CGI movie company, but they’ve got some competition with this new (sure to be) Franchise.

6- The Expendables. Speaking of franchises, it looks like Sylvester Stallone has found his next one. I dug this for a lot of reasons. I like the idea of a “Dream Team” of all the action stars. This was like the Ocean’s 11-12-13 movies, only with lots of explosions and cool action scenes. I’m happy for Sly, as his catalog is fairly impressive, even outside of the Rocky and Rambo films. Enjoyable movie, lots of “Hey, it’s ___!” moments, and it also had my 2nd favorite wrestler of all time, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin in it. Win-Win-Win!

Movies I Liked But Either Didn’t Necessarily Crash Thru The “I’m Emotionally Invested In This Film” Barrier Or Sort Of Left Me Wanting For One Reason Or Another

1- The Karate Kid. I’ve been over this one already, but let me comment again. I liked this one okay, and seeing as how I was crying during the “Jaden and Jackie Finally Bond” scene, it definitely had me emotionally invested… but it kind of left me wanting. *shrug* Not much more to add. I don’t know what it was missing (aside from “You’re The Best”), but something was definitely missing. I’d see a sequel and give it my usual fair shot, but I won’t necessarily be rushing to see this again when it comes out on DVD (unless a cute girl wants to, but that’s true of pretty much any movie ever).

2- Grown Ups. Another “Hey, it’s ___!” movie, I had a bunch of good laughs during this one. I guess it was cool seeing Chris Rock, David Spade, Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Kevin James all in one movie, and I like how they’re sort of gearing these movies at their core audience as they are NOW, not trying to make silly movies their core audience would’ve liked back from 1995-2002. I enjoy the growth (no), and like I said, I had some good laughs during this. Still… it never had a great big memorable belly laugh or classic bit, or “bad impression of…” moment or even a line of instantly-quotable dialogue. Kinda brings the experience down juuuust a bit, but still worth checking out.

3- Inception. *ducks barrage of trash being thrown* Look, I liked this movie. I recognize its attempt at outside-the-box-thinking. I sincerely appreciate the fact that they only had 400 CGI shots instead of the usual 2,000 that go into this type of movie. I liked Leonardo DiCaprio (shhh, not so loud! 17 year-old me might hear that and fuck things up even worse!) and Joseph Gordon Levitt. I even liked Ellen Page (who is stupid pretty, even tho’ she suffers from Lack Of Rack–respectfully). The thing is… Those nebulous kinds of endings are supposed to be all the rage. The ol’ “Finale of The Sopranos” draw-your-own-conclusions bit. Great. Fine. Dandy. Ya know what tho’? How about you just tell us what happened. Christopher motherfucking Nolan knows what happened. He just doesn’t want to tell us so he can appear all cool and edgy. Fuck that shit, Chris. If you know the ending, you tell us the fucking ending. You know why in none of the love songs I’ve written it doesn’t say “…and we lived happily ever after?” BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW IF I WILL! You know what happened to Dom Cobb. You know. You’re just not saying it because you’re pissed that we kicked your limey asses in The Revolutionary War and The War of 1812. So, for that reason, Inception ends up on this list.

4- The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. This was a tough one to place. It definitely doesn’t go on the first list, but it also doesn’t really belong on the other lists. I suppose it’s fine here, as I dug the flick, but wasn’t in love with it. It had cute moments and some cool tricks, but I didn’t leave and immediately tell people how great it was. Nick Cage has redeemed himself from the crapfest that was Numbers with this (and with Kick-Ass), so that was nice. Really tho’, the reason I saw this was (aside from the fact that it looked fun) was Mr. Jay Baruchel. Jay’s been granted entry-level “Samuel L. Jackson Rule” status, because of how much I enjoyed his previous films that have come out this year, She’s Out Of My League and How To Train Your Dragon–the latter I enjoyed so much that I put it just below Wall*E on my “All Time Favorite CGI Flicks List.” A good time, a solid rental, and the Jay Baruchel Experience. I’ll take it.

5- The Other Guys. First off–SAMUEL L. JACKSON AND THE ROCK AS COPS!!!!??? There was no chance in hell I was gonna miss this. If there’s any justice in this world (and the jury is still out), they would get their own silly movie. Kind of like Lethal Weapon (i know, i know–shush) meets AnchorMan. Anyway, back to the movie that WAS made. Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg have a surprising amount of chemistry together. I’ll go one step further in saying that Mark Wahlberg stole the show. Marky Mark doesn’t really do (intentional) comedy, so this was a bit of a treat. Will Ferrell though… *sigh* Look, I’m late to the Will Ferrell party, I admit that. I hated everything he did pre-Old School, but after that landmark Frat Pack film, I was a convert. Thing is… Starting with Semi-Pro, he’s just lost his fastball. Step Brothers had its moments, but I didn’t think the humor in it was that substantial. I didn’t bother with Land of the Lost, but apparently nobody else did. I think I hit the nail on the head with “Substantially humorous.” The Other Guys was funny, but were there any quotables? Not really. Were there any particularly funny scenes that stand out a month after I saw the movie? Not really. I enjoyed it in the theater, but that’s kind of it. I’d watch it again on DVD or On Demand, but I’m not in the rush to own this the way I would be for Will’s 2003-2007 movies. Sorry, amigo.

Movies That I Loved Even Though They Were Weird, But By Weird I Mean More Serious And Thought Provoking Than The Other Movies I’ve Mentioned So Far, Plus They Were Funny

1- Cyrus. Jonah Hill shows up again on my movie screen, this time as the socially awkward home-schooled titular character (heh-heh, titular) son of a still smokin’ hot Marisa Tomei. John C. Reilly is the main character of the movie, a divorced guy who is still best friends with his ex-wife (Catherine Keener, aka Andy’s GF in The 40 Year Old Virgin), but it also giving moving on a sincere shot. Anyway, shenanigans ensue when Johnny C. is being cockblocked by Jonah. This movie is funny, but it’s not a comedy. It’s a drama with more than a healthy dollop of comic relief. Performances are great across the board, and as a guy who has *cringes* just turned 30, the idea of still being able to find love later in life–battle damage be damned–appeals very strongly to me. If you’ve got a mature taste in movies, if you want a more complex story, check this out.

2- The Kids Are Alright. Wow… Where to start… The girl that played Alice in the barf-worthy Alice In Wonderland and her brother are the children of Julianne Moore (still CGI status, btw) and Annette Bening (boy is Moore’s, girl is Bening’s), two lesbian partners that are both artificially inseminated by the same man (Mark Ruffalo). Hijinx ensue when the daughter decides she wants to meet her father. This movie was so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so awkward at times, to the point where I was uncomfortable in my chair. Not in a bad way, necessarily, it was just a very raw film that handled the issues of the principle characters in an unflinching manner. That being said, it was also very funny in spots (fair warning tho’: i saw this with my BFF and hetero-lifemate Joe, and we had a great time making quiet jokes during the film, so that might be why I remember it being so funny), and the characters were all likable.

3- The Switch. I know, I know. Let me ‘splain. First off, despite the advertising: this is NOT your generic Jennifer Aniston Rom-Com. This is another drama that has a liberal amount of comic relief. Also? Jennifer Aniston is the antagonist, but the story mostly revolves around Jason Bateman. If you can get past the premise (man switches the sperm sample his best friend was going to use to get herself pregnant with one of his own, wackiness ensues), there are just a ton of things to like about this movie. Bateman’s character is similar to John C. Reilly’s in Cyrus, only instead of just being an average guy stuck in one place, he’s an average guy stuck in one place…while also being neurotic and over-thinkery (sorry if that was redundant… sorry if that was redundant…). Bateman’s character development was stellar, and logical. He didn’t wake up one morning, make a speech, and POOF! Happy ending. He goes thru some shit, and he takes you with him. For me, seeing this older dude have his life go one way for so long, only to have a curveball thrown… It’s a story I can get behind. The idea of being a father probably means more to me than I’m willing to discuss right now, most likely because it’s very, very, very far off, so watching ***MINOR SPOILER ALERT*** Bateman interact with his son touched a nerve (in a good way). Plus, before he knows it’s his son, their exchanges remind me of my nephews Bryon and Nicholas, and anything that reminds me of them is a good thing. ***SPOILER ALERT OVER*** So yeah, good flick. It was just saddled by a lousy advertising campaign that focused on the film being another Aniston Rom-Com. Bollocks to that.

Movies That Were A Very Pleasant Surprise Despite The Lousy Reviews Or My Feelings On/Or General Cynicism *salutes General Cynicism* Of The Stars Involved

1- Shrek Forever After. I can’t stand Mike Myers. Not even a little. He’s so severely untalented that I almost want him to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. Cameron Diaz irks me. She’s irked me ever since she got too skinny (Hollywood calls it “Toned”, I call it “Eat a sandwich, already!”) and forgot that she was Cuban. Eddie Murphy I’m okay with. The Shrek series itself has also kind of always bugged me. I thought the first one was good enough, I really ended up liking the second, and the third was crap… but throughout it all, they just seemed very forced and almost cynical. I can’t dig that. Too many shots at Disney, and the fact that Mike Myers dug up the Scottish accent that he had already beat into the ground just kinda turned me off. Still, it was a weekday afternoon and my friend Briana had picked me up from work and it was the only thing we wanted to see, so we ended up seeing Shrek Forever After. You know what though? I ended up liking it. I thought the humour was on point, and the annoying things about the 3rd film (Justin Timberlake’s character’s whiny ass and the annoying Disney Princesses) were no longer there. They were definitely running out of gas by the end of the movie, but they made it there pretty much okay. A fitting farewell to the franchise.

2- Killers. I hate Ashton Kutcher. I thought Punk’d was, Justin Timberlake episode aside, the stupidest shit ever. “Wow, you spent $40,000 to fool me and it worked! Gosh, I’m so gullible!” No, no. If someone spends $40k on a stunt and I fall for it, I’m not gullible. I’ve got no reason NOT to believe it. Assholes. So there’s him. Katherine Heigl is another victim of “Toned” Syndrome. Back when *barf* Grey’s Anatomy first started, she had this thick body with a great rack, and it matched her pretty face. Then… *sigh* Then that abysmal wreck of a show took off and she headed straight to the “Toned” factory and now she’s another hollywood bobblehead with deflated boobs being puffed up by the evil bastard wonderbra device (sorry if that was harsh, but these chicks are too skinny and I’m, quite frankly, offended at the American ideal that skinny chicks are the beauty ideal). So the movie had all of that working against it. Then… Then I kinda actually liked it. It was fun, it had some humour, a couple of scenes went differently from what I thought would happen, and the ending wrapped everything up nicely. I can’t really complain about that. I still hate Kutcher (less nowadays seeing as how he’s not really all over the place and his big starring vehicle bombed), but Heigl’s new Rom-Com (what’s a “rom-com”? it’s right here!) with Josh “Sam Jackson Rule Status” Duhamel looks fun.

3- Knight and Day. We’ve already covered how I feel about Cameron Diaz, but lemme expound on Tom Cruise for a moment. *ahem* I like Tom Cruise. Sure, he follows a wacky religion and he spazzed about vitamins and whatnot five years ago, but riddle me this: Has he ever been caught with a prostitute? Have you ever heard about him getting drunk and acting a fool? Any arrests? Anyone ever claim he’s been rude or worse to a fan? No? Right, I didn’t think so. He jumped on a couch, and said Brooke Shields should stay off meds, and belongs to a funny religion. You know what tho’? Who the fuck cares? If his funny religion makes him a nice guy who is charitable and a good father, then more people should go hang out with Xenu or whatever. Maybe he just doesn’t like those danged pills being prescribed left and right! Maybe he was just plain happy he was with Katie frickin’ Holmes! The guy’s a regular guy, and a nice guy, and most of the people in this country are under-educated fuckbags. There ya go. On to the film! I liked this one. Kind of on the long side (and if one of you says “That’s what she said”, I will find you and I will smack you), and the ending was kiiiiinda hokey, but it was fun. This is a good date nite DVD flick, plus Tom Cruise was in wacky fun mode, and I laughed quite a bit at him. Between this character and his hilarious “Les Goodman” character, it’s proof that Mr. Cruise should be doing more comedy. I say we team him up with Rudd, Rogen, or Segel and make it hizznappen!

4- Going The Distance. First off, this movie should really be in the first category, “Movies That Were Awesome And Fun And Made Me Happy.” Unfortunately, it’s earned it’s spot here because I read the review and thought the movie was going to be average at best. Turns out that it’s one of the funniest Rom-Coms I’ve seen in quite some time. There’s an authenticity in it that I enjoy, plus I’m a sucker for a good love story. The leads in this movie–Drew Barrymore and Justin Long–are solid, and I felt that their interaction was believable (even tho’ I was surprised to hear Barrymore curse so much. she wasn’t necessarily raunchy, but come on! she doesn’t usually cuss!). The supporting cast was great in this too. Jason Sudeikis and Charlie Day were very funny, and Day’s character in this film was similar to his character on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia–something I rather enjoyed, as I’ve recently gotten into the show and find it very funny (a fact my BFAMs Tank and MK will be happy to hear). Good flick, very funny, and it’s a shame the critics panned it. Shows what those fuckbags know.

Movies That Were Just Aight For Me, Dawg

1- Predators. Ya know… I was giddy when I heard they were bringing this series back. I ranged from “Content” to “Whoa!” with all the other Predator films, so I was excited. This movie tho’… Mmm. I mean like, it was okay. Some cool scenes, some nice dives into the Predator universe. It was just lacking for me in a lot of areas. It was more remake than sequel (director Robert Rodriguez views it as a skraight sequel to the Arnie film), and it’s only a reboot in the sense that they ignore every other Predator-featurin’ film to come out. Maybe I hadn’t seen the original recently enough to be able to point out the homages, but I would put this far behind Predator and Predator 2. Sorry kids.

2- Dinner For Schmucks. *sigh* I like Steve Carrell. I love Paul Rudd. I hate Zach Galifianakis with a passion, and that other d-bag from The Hangover that was in this can go scratch. The thing is… There just wasn’t anything redeeming about any of the characters. Paul Rudd doesn’t really learn anything, and Carrell’s character was so stupid that I couldn’t take him seriously. He was just soooo dumb that it took me completely out of my Suspension of Disbelief. I had a couple of laughs, but this was definitely the least-funny movie of the summer for me. Sorry, Paul. I hope we can still be friends.

3- Piranha 3-D. This movie is currently the greatest Terrible Cinema Tuesday film of all time. It had gratuitous EVERYTHING. Boobs, blood, killer fish, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rames, Elisabeth Shue, Kelly Brook, and so many adult film actresses that I felt ashamed at being able to recognize all of them. It had over-the-top deaths and peril and mayhem and Eli Roth’s head exploding. It had everything that I want out of a low budget cheesy horror movie. The thing is… I wasn’t really very entertained. There was SO much blood, there was SO much gore… I mean, I’m the boobest boob guy you’ll ever boob, but I felt like even the boobs got to be a bit much. At some point, it felt like it was TOO gratuitous, without any kind of art behind it. I know, I know, art shouldn’t come into play with a TCT movie, but this was a shallow flick even for what it was. Was I entertained? Sure. Did I feel good about it afterwards? No.

Movies That Were Free, So They Had That Going For Them, Which Is Nice

1- Robin Hood. My father wanted to see this one, and he prefers going to the movies with me. I saw this but was more concerned with the Game Nite that was to take place after it. Movie had some cool fight scenes and a line or two that made me chuckle, but there wasn’t anything remarkably good or bad about it. The movie was set up to have a sequel, but the box office take was so low that it looks like it won’t happen. Ah well.

Movies That Were Crap, Crap I Say, Crap

1- Sex and the City 2. For anyone rolling their eyes and sarcastically saying, “Wow, really? The Sex and the City movie sucked? I didn’t need to read 2,000 words to know that, Rey!” allow me to formally invite your lips to be introduced to my metallic blue ass. The first SATC film was actually very enjoyable (as I say here). If your knowledge of the series included knowing the names of the girls, you knew enough to like the movie (i wasn’t a follower of the show, but I had enough nites with female friends watching episodes to get familiar, clinton sparks). That being said, every single bit of good will and contentment from knowing that beloved characters were sent off properly that was generated from the first movie was ripped apart and shat on by this sequel. I’m not a critic at all, but this was bad. The jokes were bad, the movie was overly long, the characters were gimmicky… I just couldn’t get into this one, despite the fact that Kristin “Charlotte” Davis is one of my All Time Favourite MILF-Next-Door Brunettes. It was just not good, and worse than that, I wasn’t entertained–the worst sin a movie can commit. Also… the ending… I might’ve popped a blood vessel screaming about how stupid it was.

2- Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. My goodness, what a waste of $100m-$200m. This thing… Like… It was awful. It didn’t make any sense. Jake Ggyylleennhhaall was laughable as a sword swinging hero. The plot… See, I know I bitched about use of the word plot, but for the life of me I didn’t know why any of the characters were doing anything! The girl in the movie, Gemma Arterton, is ridiculously hot, but that’s where the enjoyment stopped. Over three months later and I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck happened.

3- Splice. This is the worst piece of shit I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing in a theater. It was awful. God-awful. People that bitch about the Prequel Trilogy or the Transformers movies or the last Indiana Jones movie need to never, ever, ever criticize movies again until they’ve watched this crap. I mean, I get what they were trying to do–the old “Man Shouldn’t Play God” bit. This fuckin’ thing tho’ was an abomination on all levels. I’m actually getting physically angry just typing about it. It sincerely offends me that this movie was made… and people thought it was a good movie. Let me put it this way: I’d rather listen to Young Money’s debut album for 2 hours than watch this piece of shit. Adrien Brody should be ashamed of himself. I saw it for free and I wanted my money back. Enough. I’m gonna vomit.

***

So let’s see…

I saw 25 movies this summer.

Only 6 of them made me go, “Wow!” when I knew for sure I would go, “Wow!”

3 of them made me go, “Wow.” when I thought they’d be weird or long’n’talky or just plain bad.

The majority of them were good times, but ultimately forgettable.

Some were terrible.

Not a great Summer Movie Season, and I don’t think we’re ever gonna see a SMS like we had in 1999, 2002, 2004, or 2007, where it was hit after hit, classic after classic, event movie after event movie.

But…

25 movies, some I saw more than once (Iron Man 2, Get Him To The Greek, Inception), other movies in that span that didn’t necessarily count (I’m looking at you, chick flick to end all chick flicks Letters to Juliet), so let’s call it a good 60 hours spent at the cinema this summer.

I like it, as I like the movies.

Let’s just hope next summer has a bit more of List One, and far less of List Two.

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap

Okay kids, that’s it for today. I hope you had fun reading my ramblings on the cinema!

As always, comments, critiques, questions, and reasons why Iron Man 2 sucked but Splice ruled can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,

–RTH

PS– This thing was 4,851 words. There are bound to be grammar errors. Make your peace with it, lol.

Editor’s Note– I forgot to add another note on Katherine Heigl… Apparently she had some disparaging remarks to make about the movie that made her a viable box office commodity, the Judd Apatow-directed film, Knocked Up. She had some comment about how she never would have taken the role opposite Seth Rogen if she knew what the movie was going to end up being. And what did that film end up being? A $100m+ box office success. Moron.

Jason James & Rodney Hazard’s Latest Gets Reviewficated

Check your watches…

First things first…

I’ve been friends with Jason James, formerly known as “Web”, for about three years now. He’s one of the people I’ve managed to connect with thru this tiny piece of the internets that I call IATS.

Not only is dude a good friend, but he’s also a talented artist. I’ve followed his projects from “I’ll Be Alright” to “Inferno” to “God’s Favorites” to his series of weekly freestyles and snippets at KevinNottingham.com, to his most recent effort, Marvelous World of Color.

Some of his songs are personal favorites of mine. “Glow” and the “God’s Favorites Intro” have found their way into my Go Time Gym Mix, and have survived every round of deletion that’s occurred when songs cease to motivate me.

For this project, Messrs. James and Hazard are venturing into left field, but not so left field that the results are off-putting, i.e. being different just for the sake of being different. Also, while the sonic landscape is sparse and sometimes bleak, it’s more aurally appealing than similar attempts at creating a “wide-open plain” sensibility.

There are synths, there are non-traditional drums, but they are done creatively and musically, a feat that Senores 40, 1Da, and Graham were unable to successfully pull off.

Yes, I needed to say that.

So, before I get started, I just wanted to give that intro. This project, based on the few songs I’ve previewed before the album was out in full, is different, and dammit, I think it’s special.

Jason cares about rap, cares about hip-hop, cares about the world, and cares about bringing all of those elements together. He is an artist, and the best thing I can say about him is that he’s making for himself, and as a result, is making music for all of us.

Now let’s press play and see if his execution matches his vision and his noble intentions.

(before I get started, I must say that I’m listening to this thru my world famous One Headphone Because I’m At Work system, so no deductions will be made for anything off in the mix, or for the nuances in production.)

Track 1- “Enter: The Marvelous World”
Production is neat, gives off a less twangy “Get Your Freak On” vibe, and Jason’s rhymes are that raspy east coast flow that’s sorely missing in rap. Track is your basic intro track, and Jason’s delivery grabs you right away. Beat spazzes towards the end, but I like it.

Track 2- “The Architect”
Light, Music, Science, Sleep, and Time Travel in the spoken word intro. I’m not smart enough to understand it, but I make up for it with a pleasant disposition and a fragrant presence. Song’s very “Bone Thugs In 1996”-sounding, but I like that. No chorus, just clips of people discussing the world and music. Ballsy. So, in this one, Jason (and probably Rodney) is The Architect. I’m enjoying this song. It’s like the speaking clips are being kinda stern, but Jason’s vocals and verses are hopeful and gentle. I kind of love that.

Track 3- “Basic Instructions”
…Before Leaving Earth? I dig that. Percussion on this is interesting. I’m not sure what the instrument is in the background. I can’t really make out what the speaker is saying though. Blame it on the one headphone.

Track 4- “Great Escape”
This is more of a traditional-sounding hip-hop song, but the music over the drums continues the ethereal theme of the previous songs. Jason is dropping knowledge about politics, imperialism, and relating it back to day-to-day life. Cripes! He’s moidalizing the 2nd verse. Jason is riding the beat something fierce. If I knew how to rewind on this here band camp site, I’d have played it back. Methinks TAFKA Web is just warming up.

Track 5- “Fame Us”
Mmm. This song is bleak, and sad, and very novel-version-of-The Running Man-feeling. This song is absolutely brilliant, but it’s too sad. It’s a slight spoiler, but it’s all about the treatment of our female starlets. It’s not apologetic or painting the girls as completely innocent, but it’s about the exploitation of those women. The song is genius, but I never wanna hear it again. Too much truth in it. Moving on.

Track 6- “Better As You”
This one’s been around for a while. I forget which project this is from, but it’s an older Web song. Beat is new and, again, ties in sonically to the rest of the album. This is sort of a sequel to the previous song, only this time it’s going at the girls in real life who try too hard to be like the starlets. Sure, the shit looks fun, but those party girls usually never end up happy. That being said, for me, I’m neither here nor there on this one. It’s not bad, but I would skip this on multiple listens. Sorry, amigo.

Track 7- “If It Feels Right”
Track is very spacey-sounding. Even more so than the other ones. I’m enjoying the flow on this one. Jason’s delivery has been different on almost all of these. Lots of experimenting on delivery. Uh oh, booty-raps in the third verse. This one was just aight for me, dawg.

Track 8- “Ain’t Gotta Go Home”
I like this one a bit better. Talking to a girl. No drums for the first minute plus. Just some cool synths. This is dope. Nasty Lover Man Raps, but the songwriter in me appreciates how it’s done. This was cool. We’re back on track.

Track 9- “The Program”
Finally, a musical version of Omar Epps’ 1993 classic film about college football! Oh, wait, that’s not what this is. The beat on this is awesome. Start-and-Stop Flow from Mr. James. This might be my favorite song so far. This just sounds incredible. More knowledge droppin’, and again, this sounds amazing. Wow. Whoa… At the end of this is a clip of Bill O’Reilly, that useless right wing shitbag motherfucking hate’n’fear mongering dickless asshole. Bashing Muslims. So fucked up.

Track 10- “A View Of The World”
Tempo is picked up. Another dope-sounding beat. Jason is fired up. This is “my back is against the wall, time to fight back” rap. *sniffs* I smell another addition to my Go Time Gym Playlist! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! I know this chorus! It’s from Inferno or God’s Favorites, or maybe one of the Nottingham songs! Either way, I love that fucking line, and now it’s a chorus! JUEPA! This track is awesome. Me gusta. And Ezekiel 25:17 at the end? This should’ve been called “Rey Will Love This.”

Track 11- “Back Again feat. Bryan Perry”
Up-tempo track. Sangin’! I like it. Nice break. No Benjamin Arce singing on this? Hu6mph.

Track 12- “Go”
Slower tempo, Jason’s flow is keeping up. I can’t rap to a slow beat to save my life, but dude is handling this expertly without using double-time as a crutch. This is definitely a sets-the-tone album. I can see people putting this on during a long “Need time to think” car ride. Thoughtful, reflective track.

Track 13- “Promised Land”
I like the guitar on this. This is more upbeat in terms of sand. The Bone Thugs vibe is back but without trying too hard to sound like Bone Thugs. Kind of outro sounding, even tho’ it’s not.

Track 14- “Exit: The Marvelous World”
Pianos to start. It’s a conversation with his Grandmother. This is sweet. I like it. This was sad but pretty.

***

Verdict Time

After hearing the whole thing, the best thing I can about this is it’s like Inception: The Album. It took hearing the last track, tying it together with the first few songs…

You get the feeling that Jason is saying goodbye to a great deal of this stuff. He’s the kind of rapper that wants to save rap, the world, and the souls of innocents with every single song. This is one of his strengths as a human being and an artist.

In terms of commercial appeal, I can’t see most of these songs ever ending up on a billboard chart, but that’s the point. This music isn’t for the masses, it’s for the masses.

I dug the album. It’s like a movie that is intense to sit thru, that forces your mind to accept concepts that are unpleasant but should no longer be ignored. This won’t spin at your Saturday nite party, but it should be put on in the coming days of fall–those blustery days when the wistful and solitary of us stare out the window at the bare trees and grey skies and wish for the world to awaken.

Those of us that await a return to a marvelous world of color.

–Rey

Marvelous World Of Color EPK:

Get Marvelous World Of Color Here!

Jason James on Tumblr!

Jason James on Twitter!

Jason James on Facebook!

Jason James’ Guest Spot on IATS!

–Rey

Dr. Beardhussein Rey Updates His Peeps

Check your watches…

I was hoping to launch into a bunch of randomry with this post…

But quite frankly, there’s just too much happening for me to riff about boobs, brunettes, chicken wings, KanYe, or the other silly things I usually talk about. I’m gonna hit the highlights, but please know that I’m explaining some of this stuff this way because it’s just easier than explaining to a lot of people over and over.

Plus, I’m a “Think Out loud” kinda guy, so this helps me process some of this, and I’ve been waiting a couple of weeks to get a bunch of this off my chest.

Let’s get down to business.

1- My father has prostate cancer. He went for a biopsy late last month and the result of the test was the big “C.” While it’s super-early in the whole process, the cancer doesn’t appear to have spread. Further testing will need to be done to know for sure, but right now the doctor says it looks as good as pre-treatment cancer can look. Papa is in good spirits and he’s looking forward to the fight, as he is a cantankerous old bastard who, even at 64 years of age, still wants to rumble, old man, rumble. I’m handling this as well as I can. When the radiation therapy (covered by Medicaid, as Pop Dukes is recently retired) starts, I know it will be a difficult time and it’ll be tough on me seeing him go thru it, but I’m a fighter too, and my strength is being there for others. I will be there for my father, and between the two of us, we’re gonna kick the ever-loving motherfucking shit out of cancer, and then smack it around after the fight for having the balls to come around us in the first place.

2- My recent trip to Florida was not the happiest ever. I was there on sad business, as it was a “Let’s visit your Abuela because she’s got Alzheimer’s and might not remember you if you put the trip off any longer.” It’s…fucked up how these things can happen. She still looks like my Abuela, she’s still in good physical shape for an 82 year-old. Her mind is just going. Short-term memory is rubbish, to the point where we had to remind her that, no Abuela, we just got back from your friend’s house, remember? There were times when she looked at me and could recall who I was–a memory of a memory, maybe. There were also times where she regarded me the same as she might a person in an elevator, or someone sitting next to her on a crowded bus–polite, courteous, mostly trusting…but not really sure who I am. I’d like to think she knows I’m her grandson, someone whose birthday is 3 days prior to hers, someone she threw birthday parties for and took to Disney World and the Miami Seaquarium. I’d like to think that, despite the nature of her illness, part of her memory is alive and vibrant and the love she has always had for my two brothers and I remains as strong as ever. Still… It was sad business we were on. Being in her house, the only house of hers I have any real memories of… It was sad. I’ve said for a while, since we’re at the age where it’s not only grandparents, but our parents themselves that might start to go–have started to go–that I much prefer happier memories, even if it means not seeing someone I love. Quite simply put: I don’t want the last memory I have of someone I love to be of them struggling, or hurting, or trying to hold onto their very lives. I love my Abuela, and I hope to God she remembers that, even as everything else is taken away. 30 years old, all four grandparents left. I don’t know anyone who can say that. My brother Mario, 18 months my junior, might not be able to say that.

3- The only brother of a friend of mine was killed in the wee hours of Saturday, August 14th. He was in a bar in Boston, a fight that he was not a part of broke out. A heavy bar-glass was thrown. The glass shattered and ended up hitting him. He bled to death. Now, I try not to piggyback on anybody’s sorrow because I think it’s a fucked up way to be. Still… I can’t help but feel for her. I can’t imagine the hell she’s going through, and if there’s any justice in this world it’ll be me before it’s either of my brothers. It hits hard, and I’m very sad for my friend. It’s a fucked up, random, arbitrary world and when enough of this shit happens back-to-back-to-back, it becomes very easy to see why people turn towards God, and just as easy to see why people turn away from Him.

4- Money stuff sucks right now. It’s tighter than it’s been for a long, long time. We’ve never been the RodrigueFellers, but we’ve managed well enough over the years, certainly better in the last few years than the years before. It’s slated to get better in about a month or so, but the ride there is going to be scary. I know it’s not the cool or sexy thing to discuss this kind of stuff, but I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If I have to go thru it, I’m going to be honest about it. The people who love me will understand that I’m thinking out loud, planning my counter-attack with every tap of every key. It’s not sexy, it’s not cool, and I bet it makes other people uncomfortable, but fuck it. It’s my life, it’s my reality, and I will not be ashamed of it. It’s situations like this, and the ones above, that help us grow as a person. I prefer to be around people that have been thru some shit, people who have seen loss and know of the struggle. Those are my people, and not for Schadenfreude, but for camaraderie, for brotherhood, and to have people around me who know of the situations we’re in. Shit, they might even have a way out, and if they don’t know how to get there, sometimes it’s just nice to hear someone say there IS a way out.

***

There’s just a lot of shit happening right now for me and mine.

I feel like 2010 has been a great year, easily the best I’ve had in God knows how long. There hasn’t been any black clouds overhead or boogeymen lurking. My group of friends and I have been able to do some really fun things, and I’ve been blessed to have that group expand even further. Still…

Still…

Still, I worry about the season we’re in, with so many sad things happening. God willing, we’ve seen the worst of it already, but I’m still afraid that instead of banding together, we’re going to make the Horror Movie Mistake and split up.

I’m afraid that instead of rallying the troops, going the extra mile for each other, and choosing Hope when fear, anger, and aggression are more easily available, an “Every Man For Himself” mentality will break out. Well, for the people who’ve been around 5, 10 years, allow me to remind you of what happened the last time that strategy was employed:

Everything sucked and went straight to hell.

This group has alligator blood. We have been given an extraordinary run, and it’s not because I send out mass text invitations for movies or bar nights or dinners. It’s not because we’ve been friends for so long that we didn’t have any new influences or opportunities.

No, this group has been given an extraordinary run because we are special. We have been in the shit together, and we’ve been in the shit apart, and the one thing we have undeniable proof of, is that we always work better when we’re together.

We are a family, all of us. We don’t always get along, we don’t always call as much as we should, or be there on the nites we should all be there. Make no mistake tho’… With everything we’ve been thru, every birthday, every wedding, every break-up, every illness, and yes, every lost loved one…

We have been in it together. We have gone thru it together. My win is your win is his win is her win. Your loss is my loss is his loss is her loss.

This run, this decade-plus run that we’ve been on, with new additions and new family members added to the originals, serves a purpose, and it has nothing to do with beer pong, or chicken wings, or funny hats. This run, this group, this life we live together is meant to benefit all of us.

***

In Closing…

When the shit hits the fan, when the bill collectors are calling, when your boss is being half an asshole…

When your ex won’t leave you alone, when your current won’t stop giving you hell, when your parents refuse to see that, dammit, you’re doing your best…

When the entire world has decided that it wants a piece of you, when your back is to the wall and you have two choices–either lie down and let them kick and stomp and punch you, or swing and throw punches and hope that you’ll be able to take one of those motherfuckers with you…

When the air turns cold, and the wind howls, and you feel alone, and scared, and foolish for being late 20s, early 30s and still scared shitless about what this fucked up mudball called “Earth” is going to do to you next…

When a cowardly fucking illness, or a tragic accident, or just a streak of bad luck that makes you feel like you don’t know which way is up comes around…

When the world beats you down and you feel like you can’t get back up, when you’re made to feel like your two hands and two feet are not going to be enough…

When rejection comes and you are second-guessing your very worth, when someone makes it their priority to make you feel bad for no good damned reason, when you feel like there is no one on your side, no one that will just sit with you and tell you that you are worth of happiness, and love, and are beautiful…

When all of that fucked up shit happens, keep this in mind:

You have me.

You have us.

We are in this together.

We always have been.

–Rey

Check your watches…

It’s been a crazy ride, the last ten years.

I’m on my sixth (6th) residence. I’m on my 8th employer (counting 3 mini-stints as a temp). I’ve put on a bunch of weight and then lost it.

I’ve had the same group of friends for pretty much that whole time. A couple of new people came in, a couple of old people filed out.

I had my heart broken a few times.

I broke one heart.

I was depressed, I was homeless, I was unemployed, I was broke.

The day of my 10 year High School Reunion I was at the Social Services (read: welfare) office because I couldn’t find work and my unemployment benefits ran out.

I thought I was going to be a father, but it turned out that the baby wasn’t mine (luckily I found that out 5 6 months into the pregnancy and not on the Maury show).

I had some fucked up moments, some fights, and a lot of pain.

I punched walls and bloodied up my knuckles. I got sad and I cried and cried, I got lonely and cried and cried. I would sleep for hours and not bother turning on the lights.

I hated everything about my life–the people in it, the person living it, and the fact that I was too lazy to change it and too scared to end it.

I was trapped in the proverbial vicious cycle, and I had convinced myself–some time around ’03 when we were using our oven as a heater because our boiler broke and we couldn’t afford to fix it–that it was my lot in life to suffer. Suffer being poor, suffer being alone, suffer never having enough, never having anyone love me…

To just suffer and hurt and not know of joy, and not have the passionate blaze of hope burn any brighter than the pilot light all of us are born with.

And then Nicholas was born.

Two of my closest friends, Dom and Megan, had a son. They had a cute little boy that cut through all of the pain and the regret. They had an angel with green eyes and the perfect combination of his mom and dad’s features. He was beautiful and tiny and he was a blank slate, a brand new person with Episode IV.

New Hope.

I got to feel him kick once when Megan was carrying him. I got to feed him once, and he was flailing and making cute hungry baby noises and I gave him his bottle and his little eyes closed and his tiny hands grasped the bottle and he was at peace and I fell in love.

The kid made me so happy, he completely rearranged what I knew happiness to be. I was beaming and my soul was joyful, not because of a check or a girl. He taught me…

No, he told me, that I could be in a bad place, and still have hope, and happiness. He would cut through it all, and light up the darkness, and when those flashes would happen, I would see my path.

***

Nicholas was here, my friends Ziggy & Belynda would have my nephew Bryon 16 1/2 months later, but the clouds did not leave.

I had dug in my heels. I had convinced myself that good things would happen to me because that’s just how it worked. I would do me, and talk a good game, and indulge in the sad and the emo and my fairy godmother would just fly down and give me everything I wanted.

I spent lots of days in that same pattern: Wake up at 1 in the afternoon, computer, TV, nap, computer, TV, computer ’til 5am, bed. I spent months that way, putting minimal effort in. My friends were in relationships, my money was running out, and while my mind told me I was ready to receive all of the happy things I wanted, I never lifted a finger to make them happy.

It was Spring 2008 and the doomsday clock was ticking. My money was almost gone and I had no direction, no ambition, and not even an ounce of Give A Fuck.

And then I went down to Florida to see my big brother Prem get married.

Like always, I made the trip kicking and screaming. I figured I would go thru the motions, more to keep the peace than anything else. I mean, I like weddings and all, but in the state of mind I was in, a wedding was not competing with my couch, my computer, and my bed.

The first week I was in FL I had a double ear infection. It sucked. I stayed at Prem’s apartment and watched the NBA playoffs. My ears progressed, and I enjoyed that what little time I was able to spend in the Florida sun had given my skin a brown color I hadn’t had in years. Eventually, we drove down to Long Boat Key and started setting things up for the wedding.

After we were down for a day, my brother Mario came from San Diego. It was Mario and I, and I was overjoyed to see him. No distractions, no bother, no friends to see. Mario and I, rocking together while Prem dealt with wedding prep fun.

The days were amazing. I’d wake up stupid early, go out onto the balcony and just look over the pre-BP’d Gulf of Mexico. The water was that blue-greenish color you only see in Bahama resort commercials, I could see dolphins jumping in the distance, I had “Don’t Stop Believing” playing in my headphones, and I thought to myself, “Is this really happening?”

I was happy. There were no girls, there was no big check, there wasn’t even any Nicholas. There was just me, and my ba’y bro, and my big brother, and my soon-to-be sister in-law.

The day of the wedding came and even tho’ I was in a small rented tux in 80 degree weather, I had so much fun being with Mario, and seeing Prem and Kara happy, and I was happy for Prem. I was happy that Prem had his life-long friends, and his brothers, and his parents, and his grandparents, all there.

I was happy to hug my big brother on his wedding day, and I’m so happy I went. I’m so incredibly grateful that I was able to see that happen, to have that experience.

***

So now my whole universe is shaken up.

I didn’t need a girl or money to feel happy or peaceful. I didn’t need the guys to be there with me every time I did anything ever. Nicholas was (and still is) my Patronus, but I had other happy thoughts to carry me through darker days.

The path that I had been on, a long path filled with drops and thorns and rocks and pain and darkness…

The path became less treacherous. The night sky eventually gave way to dawn. Sure, I had setbacks and moments of stubborn. I had my brother play the “Everything you’re doing is wrong game.” I had my best friend in the world flat out ask me, voice rife with disgust, “What are you doing with your life?”

I had girls take enough of an interest to be intrigued, only to get to know me and decide I wasn’t right. I had made enough of an effort emotionally and mentally to untangle knots that had been around since high school. I stopped trying to finish arguments from 5, 6, 7 years prior. I had done lots and lots of cleaning and rebuilding, but there was one final hurdle. There was one final obstacle.

I had made peace with what happened in my life. I had made peace with the people in my life. All I had left to do was make peace with myself. I had to start working on me so I stopped hating Me.

And make no mistake about it, I hated who I was. I hated how I needed the guys for everything. I hated how pathetic I felt crying about things I couldn’t change. I hated how I knew, just KNEW I could have been and should have been doing more to make my life a life worth living. I hated being so fat, I hated being so depressed, I hated not feeling good enough and I hated how all of that fucking hatred burned and burned and burned into my soul.

And then one day, after a summer of rejection, a summer of The Friend Zone, and a summer of feeling like an asshole for even thinking I was good enough…

…

…I started going to the gym.

I worked my ass off when I was there. I was sore and out of shape and breathing hard and I felt like every fat person does when they walk into the gym. I felt like all eyes were on me.

It didn’t stop me tho’.

I walked on the treadmill until my legs were in intense agony. I lifted my tiny, modest weights around the big muscle-bound bastards and I told myself that I was finally doing the work, finally doing what I needed to do.

I switched from the treadmill to the elliptical after a few months. I was able to lift more weights. I cut out crap from my diet. I saw improvements. I received compliments. I had people tell me that they were proud of me.

I had amazing new friends that supported me, I had old friends that chose to believe in me one more time when, by all rights, they could’ve rolled their eyes and shooed me away on some ol’ “I’ll believe it when I see it” stuff.

I went to that gym, and finally…

…after 10 years of heartbreak and loss and self-loathing…

…after a decade of watching my Greatest Misses on a never-ending loop through my head…

…after all that, one day I looked in the mirror and I realized that I didn’t hate my life anymore.

I realized that I was actually…

Happy.

I was happy with myself. I was proud of myself. That little evil voice that made me hate, hate, hate everything about me had nothing to complain about. I was finally working on me, giving myself an opportunity to live my life, to cash in on the genetics that will see me reach 30 years old with all 4 of my grandparents–320 years combined–still with me.

I feel like my sense are alive. Food tastes better, stars are brighter, scents are sweeter, touch is more electric, and the musical stylings of KanYe Omari West are taken in through my ears and fed straight into my soul.

I made it out.

I made it out.

I made it out.

I made it out.

***

So I turn 30 in two days.

I could not have gotten here without so many people. I could have very easily lost my way, and spiraled even further. I want to thank everyone, so if you want, you can CTRL + F to find your name, or you can just stop reading here. I won’t be offended.

Here… we go:

1. Papa– My incredible father, who gave me every bit of fighting spirit I have. The toughest bastard I’ll ever know, someone who put his life on hold to make sure Mario and I came out as good people.

2. Mom– My mother, who I love with all my heart and soul. You let me spread my wings and fly, you helped me evolve, flourish, and grow. You never let me do without all of the stupid little things that the haves had that I wanted. You took us on trips and you helped us have stories and adventures and never let a Christmas go by. I know we’ve had our differences, but you are an amazing mom and I have always appreciated you.

3. Prem– My big brother. I hate that time was stolen from us, but part of the reason I bust my ass at the gym is so that we can grow old together. You and I are way more similar than anyone would think. You make me so proud, and I love you.

4. Mario– Oh God… I wish I was a better bigger brother. I really do. I wish I could’ve pulled my head out of my ass sooner and walked you through the bits you couldn’t handle. That catch there is: There was nothing you couldn’t handle. I hated that I wasn’t the cute one or the smart one. I hated that I was the quiet, thoughtful, fat one. But when it comes down to it? You are secretly the motivation behind every good thing I do. Every night out. Every trip to the gym. Every time I seize a moment, I do it thinking of you, that I’m living a life you can be proud of.

5. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins– You would never know by how awful I am at calling, but remember that bit about happiness that doesn’t involve a girl or a big check or a party or a winning Knicks season? The first time I ever felt that kind of contentment was with you guys. Birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas… I love being around all of you. I love how it feels, being around people from the same blood, a unifying thread that keeps us together. I love the singing, the jokes, and just being in your presence.

6. Joe– I don’t even know what to say. You’re my other half. Period.

7. Danny– Did I ever tell you that you were the 2000, 2005, & 2006 ReyLand MVP? Did I ever actually thank you for being by my side during both bouts of Melissa fuckery? Did I ever tell you that I felt safe with you? Did I ever say any of it? Did I ever write up our friendship for the world to see? I didn’t do any of that. You had the most difficult job of all, Dan. You were the one that was with me during the darkest of the dark. When the night was pitch black and the wolves were howling, you did not leave my side. When Maya left, when Tucker died, when we lost Ralph avenue, when the baby wasn’t mine… You were there with me. You were there for me. I have yet to actually figure out what I did to deserve a friend as good as you, but I think it hit me: You are an Angel that got stuck with a shitty assignment. You could’ve bailed, would’ve been well within your rights to, but you never did. You carried me on your back and kept hope alive in my heart. You do not get the credit you deserve. You do not get the credit you deserve.

8. Dom– For picking up the ball and running with it when Mario was called to California. For not keeping score. For being Superman. For calling me the nite Melissa dumped me for the last time, and when I was on the edge, the brink of losing it all… When there was nothing between me and the fall that so many wicked forces were salivating over seeing… When I felt at my most alone ever in the life I’ve lead so far… You told me that I was part of your family. You, and Megan, and Nicky, and Smithy. It’s an overwhelmingly powerful and positive memory, and it’s an honor I do not take lightly.

9. Jay– Did I ever tell you that you were the 2001-2002 ReyLand MVP? When you and I found ourselves in the exact same place, at the exact same time in our lives, I think it was more than just coincidence. I don’t know how I would’ve made it thru the breakup with Maya, or the Becky stuff without you. That ’01-’02 campaign, just driving around in the mystique, listening to rap and philosophizing… It meant the world to me, still does. Picking out Sean John, and trying to figure out just what in the hell post-High School, didn’t-go-away-to-college life was all about. We were in the shit together, and 8 years later, after everything we went through (a great deal of it I owe you an apology for), we’re still riding together. Next up: Picking up Sean John for your baby boy (or girl) and trying to figure out just what in the hell marriage’n’kids life is all about.

10. Ziggy– My gentle giant. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: When it’s my time to be judged, I will point to my friendship with you and say that I have done well in my life. Getting to visit with you and Belynda and get a visual on what I ultimately want in my life–marriage, house, kids–is a blessing. You represent what our group was at its most innocent, it’s most pure. Brotherhood, loyalty, fun, and a confidence in who you are and what you are about. I love that I have “my own” room in your house. I love the calm feeling that I get when I’m around you. I love that you have let me share in your life. I also completely and totally love that your son calls me Uncle RT. It… makes me aware of how much world is out there.

11. Bob Smith– The world knows “Tony”, the profane beer aficionado with a no-nonsense attitude and a gift for storytelling. I know Bob Smith. I know the sensitive, sweet guy whose heart beats with love for the groups that he has left an unmistakable impression on. I know the guy who said he’d walk with me thru the tough times, and when I got too tired to walk would sit there and wait ’til I was ready to go. I know the guy who embraces the old school values of Us Against The World. I am lucky to know this man, and I am lucky that our lives are intertwined.

12. Irving– Here’s what you guys need to know about Irving: In 1999, and again in 2000, Irv loaned my family and I thousands–literally–of dollars so we could get, and then keep our house. In spring of 2001, after a hellacious bout where the only thing we could do to keep our home was to declare bankruptcy, he absolved us of our debt. He doesn’t tell that story because it’s nobody’s fucking business. I am telling that story because it is the best example I can give of the kind of friend Irving has been in my life. He could’ve used that money. He could’ve taken vacations or bought a new car or spent it on friggin’ legos. He gave it to us–not loaned, gave–because he knew we needed it, and he knew if the roles were reversed, we’d do the same exact thing. That is the kind of man he is, a man I’d go to war with every second of every day, no questions asked, the odds be damned.

13. Jeff– I’ve told the story before… but I’ll tell it again. In that fucked up 2001, it was Jeff that kept Papa and I afloat. It was Jeff that bore the burden of keeping my spirits up. It was Jeff that stole McNuggets to make it so that we’d have dinner. It was Jeff with me at the welfare office. It was Jeff who tried to get me to see thru my own fog of self-sabotage, that I should cut the shit and dedicate myself to my relationship. It was Jeff who encouraged me to rap. It was Jeff who encouraged me to push myself, to believe in myself. It was Jeff who gave me the good beats on Crazy Rey Party, and helped me accomplish what is, to date, the premier accomplishment of my life. It’s Jeff (and his wife, Tiffany), whose wedding helped me experience spending time with my Mom one day, then the guys the next day, and then my Mom & big brother the day after that, in Florida.

14. Jon– When 2002 happened, and the world was upside down, and I had friends leave in droves, it was Jon’s friendship that anchored me. It was Jon that taught me about fairness, and sacrifice, and that foxhole “We’re in this together” mentality. In ’03, Jon put his own workplace reputation on the line by getting me my job back. Jon and I worked crazy hours together, enjoyed being off the grid (E-Time!) together, and took in “Garfield” together. In ’04, when I didn’t have a place to live, Jon let me stay with him. Jon is a good man, and his little girl has, in her father, an amazing human being.

15. Maya– God, I have no idea what to say here. I’ve already written and erased twice (so far). Everything that we went thru, we went thru for a reason. I don’t know if it was to toughen us up for even more difficult days ahead, or if it was to give us a few scars along the way, or if it was all unplanned arbitrary circumstance. What I do know is that you have shaped who I am. Your opinion of me carries so much weight, because the only thing I can think of, the only way I can “make it up to you”, is to show you that the pain that we went thru was not in vain, that I did learn from it, that it did make an impact. I absolutely love who you are, and how our friendship has taken flight. Our relationship was not easy, but I’m happy that we were given a second chance at knowing each other, and appreciating each other.

(wow… this is taking a bit, huh?)

Okay, I’m gonna stop the speeches there. Too many people.

Vanessa, a friend for literally half my life. Someone who always makes me smile and makes me feel good about myself. 2 proms, Crazy Rey Parties, Grizzly’s, Eh, Steve! parties… Our friendship has alligator blood and no matter what happens, we always persevere, we always endure, we always evolve. You are amazing!

Briana, a loyal friend who I’ve been in the shit with. Someone who has taken up the unenviable task of making sure that when those sad or alone nites happen, I’m not sad or alone. Someone who I have absolutely pledged to do the same for!

Meechelle, 12 years deep, gets none of the publicity, but someone who I’ve shared countless fun times with. Movies, board game nites, foodage, italian techno at 4am, karaoke, rides to Joe, city trips, six flags, and “Fuck that mexican and his little guitar.”

Jay Money, my little brother, my co-champion. The kind of friend that you can spend time with just being in each other’s presence without saying a word, just knowing that there’s love and mutual respect.

James aka Jimmy Sno, crazy road we took to get where we are, but your loyalty has never been in question. Always up for a good time, be it conversation or a ridiculously overpriced trip to the beach.

Stacie, so interesting, so fun, so intelligent… Driving to DDS and talking, different movie adventures, and getting to hear about your adventures always makes me smile.

Kristin, the love of my life. Always armed with hugs and hope.

Aimee, friends for 15 years. We can not talk for months and then pick up right where we left off and talk for hours.

Missy, my oldest day-to-day friend, friends for almost 17 years. I’m so happy you’ve moved back home. I know our schedules are ridiculous, but just knowing that you’re so close makes me happy.

Lia, if someone would’ve told me at the start of my 20s that, by the end, you would be one of my most cherished friendships, I wouldn’t have believed them. I love how the universe works.

Peggy, my heartbeat, my sunshine, the air that fills my lungs. I love you with every bit of me, everything that I’ve ever been and everything I’ll ever be.

Eh, Steve!, the best kept secret and adrenaline needle into the chest of the Wuss-Side/Yahoo Collabo. You are invaluable.

Michelle O., amazing girl, always have fun talking to you. So smart, so fun, such a good person.

Jacki, great friend, huge heart, and someone who helped shape “29” and its comeback season status.

Fish, I might not keep up, but I will always be a fan and always wish the absolute best for you. You’ve put in your time, and when the awesome days start rolling in for you, I will be beaming!

Mike L., my apprentice, my chance to impart the wisdom I was blessed with. NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE! #RKObe

Katie, my boo, whose friendship and support helped the gym thing go from “Ehh, why not?” to the game-changer it became.

Aly, from loathed ex-GF to appreciated friend and invaluable source of knowledge and insight.

Jennie, early candidate for 2010 ReyLand MVP! My gym buddy, my philosophizing friend, and non-judger of me watching iCarly!

Miss Heather, who definitely deserved her own paragraph. My platonic GF, wrestling’n’philosophizing buddy. We’ve come such a long way from when we first resumed our friendship, and I’m so happy to have you in my life. We deserve the better days that are here!!

7, siete zapatos! My first producer who let me get 3 years of venting off my chest with the Ready To Live project!

Johnny & Matt, the geniuses that helped make Crazy Rey Party into more than just an album, but a movie and a time capsule!

Danielle V., Jennifer C., Pam F., Stacey L., and everyone else on Facebook–thank you for the support and the encouragement and the motivation to keep working hard and going for the positive things that make me happy. I will never take a shortcut and I will never mistreat or take your faith for granted!

Thurston, truly a blessing in my life! Our FADV friendship means the world to me. Such a light during what was a dark time. Congrats on your successes, professional and at home!

Danielle M., always and forever my boss! The best person I’ve ever had the pleasure of working for. I know it was never easy, but you stood by me and still do ’til this very day.

All you crazy bastards at NahRight.com– My E-Fam, day after day, in the sh*t together, talking crap, making tasteless jokes, kicking knowledge, sharing triumphs and setbacks.

Webbito, one of these friggin’ days, we’re gonna own all this nonsense. And “Glow” and the God’s Favorites Intro keep me going at the gym!

Megan, mother of my happiest of happy thoughts, always an amazing friend to me. From discovering DDS with you to just getting to talk and plot out the future to letting me be a part of your son’s life… Such a blessing that came along in a dark time, a walking silver lining that encourages me to be better and do better.

Drop Dead Sexy, for bringing my group together time and time and time again, for making “Don’t Stop Believing” the happiest time ever, for helping us make memories that I’ll have for as long as I live.

Tiffany, whose positivity and encouragement always come when I need it most!

Jessica, such a good heart and a good soul who deserves nothing but the very best, who makes me feel appreciated!

DJ Bill, I will never forget the times you were there with encouraging words during the darker days. Our nites rockin’ the Griz. I can’t wait ’til Thursday!

Robyn, without whom I wouldn’t know the joy of Dirty Dancing, Grizzlys, or have ever had Danny or Jay in my life. A friend that’s been around since before we ever threw up the dub and pointed at our junk!

*massive exhale*

So… Many… People…

Noel, Amanda, Christian, Nelson, Jay’s Michelle, Pete, Melissa, Ann Marie, Keri, Liliana, Theo, Josh C.,  Stephanie M., Stephanie Y.-M., Kim, Sam, Miss Box, Connie, April, JenDawg, Krista, Hale, Yvette, Jared, Gladys, Lynnward, Lauren, Susie, Tina, The Rosenthal Brothers, Tank, Meka, Amanda B., everyone at Pulse Wrestling, Jennifer S., Grace, Suzanne…

Everyone that’s played a role, everyone that’s been a part of these last 10 years. Anyone that shared a smile, or a cry, or a nite that I won’t ever forget.

The last 10 years, every bit of it, has been worth it.

Yours truly,

Rey.

Ours truly,

This life.

Dr. Beardhussein Gets His Rap On

It’s Go Time

So…

What some people may or may not know about me, is that for a long, long time I was depressed out of my mind. I was somewhere in between “Just A Shitty Stretch Of Bad Luck” and “Maybe You Should Talk To Someone” depressed. Thankfully, I was never in “You Should Be On Meds” depressed, nor was I ever in real danger of venturing into “Hey, You Know What’d Be Awesome? If I Started Cutting Myself” depressed.

I say thankfully because I know people that are not that lucky. Some of my closest friends are dealing with one or all of those kinds of depression, and it’s a motherfucker. You’re powerless to do anything except physically restrain them and keep them from hurting themselves physically or sabotaging their lives so egregiously that they might not be able to come back from it.

Those kinds of depression are not optional. You’re either built to be that fucked uppedly sad, or you’re not. You either have an unfair and cruel chemical imbalance that leaves you unable to be happy, or feel loved, or any kind of positive emotion, or you’re just fucking around and keeping yourself depressed for no good fucking reason.

So, it’s because of that that I take pride in me not being depressed anymore. I had a legit case even if it was never diagnosed, but again, I was lucky. Mine was situational–homeless, broken up, unemployed–and when some of those situations improved, so did the depression. For those who don’t have that choice, I have nothing but respect and love for. Those people are dealing with some serious shit, and it’s either a super-scary bipolar high followed by the crushing low, or it’s just the crushing low.

My point is… I pulled my head out of my ass. It took all my friends and 2 nephews and my entire family to help bring me back from the brink, but once I realized that I had a choice in my own emotional and mental well-being, I started doing just that:

I chose to feel better.

So, having said that, I dusted off the ol’ Rap-O-Tron 9000. It’s clunky, it needs oil, and danged if I remember how to properly ride a beat, but I still enjoy rhyming, and it took 9 years, but I finally wrote a happy rap that wasn’t bullshit.

Enjoy.

–RTH

7/19–“Better Days”

I swear I’m legendary, but it’s getting a little scary
all eyes on me, can feel a thousand people staring
in 6 years i went from rappin’ about the struggle
to balancing hopes & dreams/trying to juggle
and it’s not that i’m not used to success
but honestly it’s been so long that I guess I forget
how to handle it, because whenever i’ve been granted it
i fuck it up quick, break smash dismantle it
i’m just being honest, cuz dammit it’s damaging
the toll the shit takes relearning to be a man again
& mind my own business, observe, stay still like a mannequin
instead of feeling like i was cursed, destined to be an anakin
and yeah, i suppose this sounds like complaints but please
understand I’m showing some restraint, I need
to wrap my head around all this outrageous fortune
reconnected with my fam, no longer an estranged orphan
the sun finally came up, morning had arrived and I
made it back to feeling grateful that I’m alive
I did more than just survive, more than get my life back
i went back into hell to bring other people right back

But okay so, I’m back without a scorch or a singe
but now I gotta rebuild, where do I begin
it was a lot easier when i thought nobody cared
cuz i could use that isolation & run back to my lair
and jot rhymes and throw darts at any criticism
whether real or perceived, cuz anybody could get ’em
friend or foe, exgirlfriend or rapper I’d never meet
do a verbal drive-by and leave ’em in the streets
put on some cleats and curb stomp ’em into the pavement
tell ’em to get lost and not give a fuck where they went
it was easier when i could rant and spew bile
but now I’m the uncle to 2 beautiful childs
and the anger is gone, replaced by hope & optimism
aware I don’t have all the answers so I stop to listen
to jewels dropped by anybody that has wisdom
& my old targets should know that I forgive them
maybe time has healed all of my wounds
because i’m not settling for the stars, i’m reaching for the moon
maybe it’s just maturity, or a lack of insecurity
but whatever it is, it feels innocent & pure to me

Okay, so I got an e-mail from this dude and onnastremf of the title of the attached song, I listened to it. I loved the song, and offered to review. Here it is.

Gerald Walker’s I Remember When This All Meant Something

Track 1- Everything People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not…

Kind of a Drake vibe here, not feeling that. Funny, he just mentioned that people were saying he bites Drake’s shit. The Drake is there, but so is KanYe’s influence. He’s better lyrically than Drake, so I’m gonna give the pass. Not a bad introduction.

Track 2- I Remember When This All Meant Something Part 1

Okay, the Drakeness is super-apparent here. He has, once again, addressed that people say he’s like CuDi, Drake & Wale. Duder… This is not a good sign. Again, he’s more substantial than Drake, and so far I’m digging this one. Beat is “ehh”, but the young spitter (no) has a little something to him. Sounds like pain in his voice. I respect that. Also? The emo-length song titles are great. Did he just reference New York Undercover? Nice. Points for that. Ohh! Some great singing and layering at the end.

Track 3- The Journey (Sweet Chin Music)

This is the song that made me wanna check out the project. Beat is stellar, and it proves the boy can rap. The synths on this have more of a point than on Drake’s Thank Me Later, and the synths on this song are epic and triumphant. “I don’t believe in bad luck, but I keep my sideview mirrors clean so I’m hard to pass up.” Bravo. Holy Moley… The second verse is fucking DOPE. Synths at the end are epic. This song is making my Go Time Gym Playlist.

Track 4- Not At All (featuring Bryant Stewart)

Beat has me bouncing, and Bryant Stewart’s singing is good, like a more-vocally talented Chris Brown. Remember all that Drake stuff I said? Ignore it. I’m really enjoying this. I wonder where this guy is from, because he’s switched from that Drake-esque stuff, to almost a midwest/southern kinda flow on this. I like this. Track’s taking me somewhere.

Track 5- Ready to GO!

Nice jazzy feel to this beat, some early 90’s N.Y. ish. This is some skraight 90s rap, just after some skraight 00s Southern rap. *rubs eyes* Is this really happening? It is, in a great way. This is lyrically great, reminiscent of pre-The Cool Lupe Fiasco, only with Rocafella-era KanYe inflections. This guy’s references are all over the place, with nary a glimpse of “bottles and models” nonsense.

Track 6- Wait A Minute (Ode To The Little Homie) featuring Add-2 and Slot-A

Some great synths to open up, and some snaps. Hooks on this are great. This track is strictly top down, feel good music. Ohhh, he’s from the Chi! Sweet. The second guy rapping (not sure if he’s Add-2 or Slot-A) is droppin’ jewelry all over the beat. Third guy up is dope too. So nice to see featured rappers kick something substantial instead of spitting some bullshit. Both men stayed on concept, and really gave the track some gravitas.

Track 7- Selah(Ups & Downs)

Kind of a bounce on this, some Timbo-esque synth waves on it. Different flow, staccato on it. Kind of monotone on this one in spots, then some exaggerated tones. Wish he’d pick one and go with it (preferably the exaggerated ones, as monotone is not the business). I don’t mean to compare the kid to anyone, but the CuDi vibe is present on this. I like the beat to this, and lyrically it’s fine, but this isn’t a favorite.

Track 8- Silent

Some creepy, fantasy elements on the beat, followed by some heavy Lil’ Jon synths. Soft drums, more of a sing-songy flow. Oooh, this is a booty song? This beat is really kind of awesome. Dope song, about keeping an encounter on the hush, but in a classy way. Uh Oh… Minaj flow. That was unfortunate, considering how I hate her. Still, can’t blame dude. If you listen to my first album, I’m definitely trying to sound like Marshall Mathers, so he doesn’t lose points. Autotune? *shrug* I can live with autotune. This song is good, the concept is good, but if I had my druthers, I’d re-do the vocals. It’s like he’s afraid to just spit. He’s doing too much with the inflections. Lyrically, beat-wise, it’s on point tho’.

Track 9- Gotta Work (featuring Mr. Robotic)

A lot of these songs are opening up with synths, but they’re all friggin’ cool, and it helps keep a uniform feel to the album. Also? This is most definitely an album. Cohesive in theme and sounds. This middle third of the album is dope. Mr. Robotic is up for the second verse. Okay, Mr. Robotic “I’ll get you black-balled like ni**a nuts” WOW! That was great! At first I was “ehh”, but the feature holds his own, and it’s a great change of pace. I’m thoroughly enjoying this album.

Track 10- We Used To Talk For Hours On End & Now It’s Like We Never Knew Each Other

The title of this song made me sad. Beat has a completely different vibe. Some cool piano, different drums. Beat drops in and out. Minimalist. Aww, he’s talking to a girl here! I always give bonus points for that. “I never chase a b*tch, I Gerald Walk it out.”–nice. I like how he says he doesn’t really love girls, but the lyrics pretty much contradict that. Good song. It’s obviously personal, and if it’s not from experience, then I’m kicking this up by half a star for fooling me.

Track 11- High (featuring Slot-A, Mr. Robotic & Add-2)

This beat is too much fun. Interesting drums and some FUCKING SICK strings! Loving this beat. Robotic is up first, and that dude is spitting like crazy. This is straight up 1994 music. I’m happy this song isn’t just a 4:23 ode to weed. Walker is up next “I am high on trees like a Keibler Elf”–ha! “Old enough to know better but young enough to not care.”–oh gosh, I wish I was 24 again. This might be the most enjoyable song on this. I’m nodding my head at work to this. Don’t know which guy did the third verse. It was serviceable. Hmm… Said 3 features, so now I’m wondering if that was a mistake, or if Walker wasn’t on this. Coulda swore he did the second verse. Anyway, fantastic song.

Track 12- I’m Gonna Remember That You Are My Friend, And Fall Asleep on Your Floor

The beat is on some 80s new wave stuff, which is interesting. Heh, this is a booty call song. Funny, because the story is that dude goes to a friend’s house thinking some extracurricular stuff is gon’ jump off, but she’s not thinking that at all, but he doesn’t wanna be That Guy and f**k up the friendship, so he doesn’t try anything. I think I love this. Plus? There’s a skit at the end acting out the song. Bra. Vo.

Track 14- You Can Make It If You Try

Back to the synths. 808 drums. More knowledge being kicked. I like this. He’s talking about improving himself before he helps anyone else, but it’s not really skipping on the self-analysis. Unfortunately, this feels almost kinda sorta out of place. Still fits with the theme, but it kinda stops the album cold.

Track 14- I Remember When This All Meant Something (Part 2)

The beat is good, with some great strings, some deep pianos in the hook contrasted by some plinky high piano stabs on the verse. Nice drums. This is dope. A helluva an outro, even tho’ there’s still another song. This guy’s got a great ear for beats, and his producers friggin’ LACED him.

Track 15- The Last Something That Meant Anything

Here we go, the last song. Some hopeful synths and cool wooshes. This is also good. A better outro song. This *feels* like an ender. When a good album takes you places, the last track is almost sad, and the beat and lyrics and the ad-libs all contribute to the feel of “Sorry, this is over, but I’ll be back soon.” No hook on this, just dude talking and giving thanks. Classy. Wow… this kid is only 22!? See? SEE? This is why when some asshole like Soulja Boy comes along and people give him a pass because he’s young, it infuriates me. This dude is twenty-the fuck-two, and he put out a cohesive, clever, creative album.

Bonus Cut- Shh. Its Ok! You Have The Right To Hate…

This beat is dope, and not for nothing, but I’d have put this where “You Can Make It If You Try” was. The beat knocks, the lyrics are dope. This is a friggin’ bonus track? This song is great. Wow.

Alright, that’s the review. Fucking amazing project, and I’m really happy I chose to listen to this. I know I’m on “Stan” status right now, but after hearing people praise a certain Canadian rapper for inferior efforts, hearing this lets me know that that particular lane can be entertaining, informative, and actually say something.

Kudos, Mr. Walker.

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

So there ya go. For more on Gerald Walker, check out twitter.com/Gerald_Walker. The mixtape is available for download TOMORROW, JULY 16TH at gwalkermixtape.com.

–RTH

PS- I thought the cover was kinda awesome, so here’s a blurb on it: The art was done by Shane Allen for CarmelloVision Designs and is inspired by Luke Cheuh’s “The Explosion”.

https://lemonadeispopular.blogspot.com/2010/07/it-aint-that-serious-rey-discusses.html

Bah.

As soon as I get those issues resolved I’ll be back on. Lots to talk about.

–Rey

Dr. Beardhussein’s New Gig.

Check your watches…

So, a couple weeks ago I was talking to my buddy Aaron about my big WWE Weekend, and asked if I could send him my write-up to post on Pulse Wrestling. He said sure, and then said that if I wanted a spot on their writing staff (hiyo!), he could hook me up.

He said they needed a recapper for TNA Wrestling‘s television vehicle, TNA Impact. While I wasn’t familiar with TNA shows for the most part, I appreciated the offer and was intrigued me for a multitude of reasons:

1- I like professional wrestling.

2- TNA is/are the underdogs. I like the underdogs.

3- I like writing.

4- I like writing about professional wrestling, and it’ll give me a shot to do that. I expose quite a bit of my dorkiness here at IATS (heck, there’s a whole category called “Embrace your dorkiness”), but Pro Wrestling is a bit out there, even for me, so it would give me a chance to.

5- After the death of Alumnah (*sniffle*), I’ve missed being part of a writing team. I enjoy the challenge of putting out quality material, plus my ego is quite massive, so the ability to draw eyeballs in comparison to other writers on the same site appeals to me.

6- You never know who is reading. Don’t get it twisted, I don’t think that Dixie Carter is going to do a google search for “Impact Recaps” and fall in love with my writing, but again, you never know. Enough people have told me that they enjoy my writing and that I should pursue it as a career to convince me to try expanding my horizons. *shrug* I think I’m entertaining, and I think I can draw people in, so why not?

Needless to say, I accepted the offer.

As an audition, I recapped an episode of Impact, and was lucky enough to have received positive feedback from both friends, staff, and the site’s readership.

And here we are.

***

I’m looking forward to the assignment, but I’m also looking forward to the challenge of getting people interested in TNA. The company doesn’t necessarily have the best storylines in the world, and the stigma of that has served to turn people off to the show. Hopefully I can make the recaps entertaining enough so that people will tune into the show to serve as a reference to my writing, and vice-versa.

So far, the 2 episodes I’ve recapped have been linear & entertaining, with some great actual wrestling action to boot. I enjoy the humor and the characters and the stories involved in Pro Wrestling, but I also miss the athletic competition aspect of it. Yes, results are predetermined, but the same teamwork & intricacy found on display in basketball and football plays can be found in the matches. WWE, my main pro wrestling squeeze, can put on entertaining, captivating matches, but it hardly resembles actual wrestling anymore–holds, counters, exchanges, psychology. I miss it, and TNA has it in spades.

*shill mode off*

TNA’s also got a couple of interesting guys on their show:

~Jay Lethal (who started out doing spot-on impressions of the Macho Man), who is feuding with Ric Flair and his new “Four Horseman-esque” stable in a neat feud.

~Motor City Machine Guns, a tag team that can wrestle and are funny’n’random on the mic.

~Abyss, who is the tormented monster of TNA, with some hardcore weapons’n’violence thrown in.

~Desmond Wolfe, a super-talented wrestler who put on a kick-ass match with Kurt Angle last week. (plus, his valet, Chelsea, is hot)

~The Beautiful People, two smokin’ hot chicks who can actually wrestle. (that link might not work, as I’m pressed for time and I just linked up the google image results)

There are a bunch of other guys in the company, both familiar and unfamiliar. Some names you might recognize are: Hulk Hogan, Sting, Jeff Jarrett, Rick Flair, Team 3-D (aka The Dudley Boyz), Kevin Nash, Eric Bischoff and Kurt Angle.

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

Alright kids, that’s it for today. If you want, do check out my first *official* post over at Pulse Wrestling. I promise you’ll be entertained–especially if you’re already an IATSoldier. You can find the post here:

https://tinyurl.com/6-24-impact-recap

As always, comments, critiques, questions, and reasons why I’m awesome can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,

–RTH