It’s been a looooooong time.
It’s been so long since I’ve blogged. About five years. No real reason…except frankly, I forgot. I’ve been spending all of my time in school full time getting my Bachelors and I’m about to finish my MBA (finally). I’m really tired. I’ve been working full-time and trying to take care of my children alone for the most part. It’s been really tough. But I’ve survived. A few times, I’ve been ready to quit. But my kids always remind me of how hard I’ve worked to get to this point and it would be a tragedy to quit now. I sure do love those children of mine.
So much has changed. The relationship I was so consumed with is over. Completely. I’m over it. And over him. It took a very long time. In hindsight, I think it’s because I felt like I needed the relationship to validate that I was worthy of love. That was a hard one to overcome. When you’re used to having performance-based relationships, you’re used to having to do and be in order for people to love you in the first place…and then to keep loving you. That’s how I grew up and it’s all I know. But I learned the hard way that the minute you stop performing, THOSE types of relationships end quickly…and you start hearing about how you never did anything for them anyway. SMH. Either way, sometimes you need to hear something so harsh to be able to move on. And that’s what happened to me. Hearing some cruel things from the people I loved the absolute most is what changed me completely. First I was devastated…then I was liberated. Sometimes, hearing the truth about how people really feel about you can be a huge and disappointing blow – but that truth frees you from being in an oppressive, one-sided, relationship that you were sadly fighting so hard to keep. One that you realize you really didn’t have in the first place —-
But life is about always learning that next life lesson. And I’ve been learning quite a few since then. Learning so much about myself, too. Like the fact that I’d been accepting subpar relationships because I thought it was all I could get (those words had been said to me), or because I was afraid no one else would ever love me (and that was said to me in my face, too). Once I realized that, I had to change how I felt about myself. And once I did that, my whole life started changing. Completely. The caliber of men I dated got better and better. But each time, I learned something new about life and about myself. By the beginning of 2014, I was totally content without being in a relationship.
And that’s when I met him. Ha. They say that’s when it happens. I mean, we’ve only been in a relationship for 68 days exactly today…but I’m very happy. Ironically, he is nothing like the men I usually date. But it was his smile and his eyes that got me.
My relationship with my parents today? Kinda just there. I mean, we don’t talk really. What’s interesting is that I used to live literally 4 miles down the street from them, and after 7 years of being divorced and on my own, my parents never came for a social visit EVER. If I wanted to spend time with them, I had to go to their church or invite myself to family get togethers that I wasn’t invited to. I felt I was kinda pushing my kids on them so they could have a relationship with them. The moment my kids started feeling slighted by my family, I stopped doing that. My son said once, “They drive all over the county to take the other grandkids all over the place…and we live 5 minutes down the street and we have to beg them to come see us and they never follow through.” That was enough for me. That was almost 4 years ago. So ever since I stopped forcing my kids to have a one-sided relationship with my family, they’ve hardly seen my father and stepmother. I think its sad because my kids are fabulous. Sure they get Christmas gifts sometimes and a birthday gift every other year or so, but my kids didn’t want that…they would have rather had my family’s love. At this point, my kids go for the gifts because they know that’s all they’re getting from them. I just wish my father was more aggressive with his relationship with my son. But it’s too late now. My son is 18 and about to leave to go to the military in a couple months and at this point, he hardly cares anymore. I guess, as usual, it’s my fault that my kids don’t have a relationship with them. I used to care about what everyone said, but not anymore. When I needed my family the absolute most, they let me know very clearly where I stood with them. #endofstory
Anyway, I’ll probably never talk about that topic again. I want to just keep moving forward.
I’ll try to post something again soon…but with school being the way it is (and I’m thinking about picking up a part-time job, too), we’ll see how it goes.
Be well.
Filed under: Blah...blah...blah... | Leave a Comment
The Dangers of Blogging
Blogs are a way to express one’s ideas and feelings…to vent…to express anger, joy, sadness, or just thoughts when you don’t really have anyone to listen. This outlet is so important for some of us because it can sometimes be the difference between feeling sane and insane. I didn’t really feel as though I had too many people to talk to and didn’t feel as if people would understand me anyway. So blogging was my way of being able to get things out (right or wrong) and move forward. Sometimes those feelings are really intense and hurtful. And sometimes they are not. It’s the really hurtful feelings that drives a person to leave their names off of the blogs. That way they can express feelings without feeling judged by people who THINK they know them.
Recently, I found out that someone knew I had a blog and read the posts and was going back to my parents and telling them some negative things I said about them. First of all, I had to think back kinda far…like maybe even up to 2 or 3 years ago…for when I probably said some of what they said I had said. And yes, I did say some of those things, but by the time the information got back to my parents, it was the worse game of Telephone ever and things were taken completely out of context. When this stuff was brought to my attention, I almost felt like someone had stolen the files out of my therapist’s office and told my deepest thoughts. And even though I obviously blogged in a public forum, ironically I felt as if I had been violated! How could some other grown woman go back to another grown woman’s parents and tell her business? I don’t know…maybe I’m being ridiculous here, but I just thought that going back to my parents and telling on me was over about 20 years ago for me. Either way, I’m really annoyed.
Ironically, that person never went back to my parents and shared with them how I had gotten some healing and resolution regarding that whole situation…they just wanted to gossip. *Sigh*
So for all you tattle-tells out there who know whose blog this is and want to spend your time making phone calls to my parents about what their almost 40 year old daughter is writing…grow the hell up. At least I am dealing with my own issues and not focusing on everyone else’s like you all seem to be doing. Worry about yourself and your own children, who are also grown. Better yet, write your own blog. And if you are going to try to tell my story, then tell the whole story…don’t gossip and only tell what you perceive to be the juicy parts. Geez. Got my mother all hurt and stuff…nevermind…I’m getting HEATED.
At any rate, I was going to stop blogging at first. But I have decided that I am not going to let grown folks that don’t even care about me as a person keep me from expressing my feelings and opinions in whatever forum I choose. I’m a good girl…trying to live my life in as much freedom and healing as possible. And if you don’t want to help me and be a part of the solution, then kick rocks. Be someone else’s problem. I don’t receive you.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
The Holidays
Anyone who really knows me knows I’m soooooo into the holidays. Especially Christmas. It’s a magical time for me. Not because of the gifts and everything…just emotionally, it does something to me. Parties…baked goods…laughing…sharing…good food…the lights…the tree…friends…family. I love it all.
But ever since my divorce, I’ve HATED the holidays. It has been very difficult to get into the Christmas spirit when I don’t have a “family” anymore. I mean, I have my parents and my extended family and my friends. And as much as I love them, it’s not the same as sharing the holidays with your kids and spouse. I am not saying that I miss my ex-husband…I miss being married and being a mother. I am a wife and mother from my core. I was born to be one…so it is difficult emotionally when I can’t be one. I can’t raise my kids like I used to. I miss that. I miss the everyday stuff. I miss doing for them. I miss their hugs every night. I just miss them. And when the holidays come around, they are just as excited as I am. So the shared enthusiasm just added to the holiday magic I felt.
I miss being a wife. I miss the companionship. I miss the intimacy of being best friends. I even miss washing clothes and cooking food for my family. I miss loving my man. And I miss my man loving me. Now if I am brutally honest, my marriage lacked in just about every one of those areas. There was not much companionship…we were not best friends…we didn’t even conversate. And most times, I felt that he didn’t even like me. It was a very lonely marriage. But despite that experience, I still want to be a wife and mother. I know I can be a good wife and a good mother. I know I can.
When the holidays come around, I get very quiet. I don’t really have a lot to talk about. I stay inside most times. I become very reclusive. I shop online when I can. I keep away from all the hoopla. It’s not because I don’t like the hoopla. I love the hoopla…I just can’t handle it anymore. This is when I miss being a part of a family the most.
Listen, I know that Christmas is about the birth of Christ and all that…and that’s exactly why I still celebrate it. But I’m not talking about Christmas itself. I’m talking about the Holiday season. That’s different.
I am a very lonely person right now. Well, I’ve been a lonely person for most of my life, but the last three have been EXTREMELY difficult for me. I don’t even cook anymore (unless I’m forced to)…I don’t knit anymore…I don’t throw parties anymore…I don’t do a lot of things anymore. I just can’t.
I try to surround myself with my family during this time, but sometimes, it just exasperates the whole situation. I’m the only one of my immediate family who is divorced and likely doesn’t have her kids with her that day. I’m watching everyone enjoy being with their spouse and children and grandchildren and I am feeling like the 5th wheel. I don’t even think my family notices that I am feeling awkward…at least they’ve never acknowledged that they do. And I don’t say anything because I don’t want to mess up the happy atmosphere, so I just pretend to be okay. But I’m not okay.
Right now, I am living with my auntie and my grandma. And I know that they love me. If it had not been for them, I wouldn’t even be back in DC where I belong. But I am just as lonely as I was when I lived alone. I realize that despite being surrounded by people who love me, I am still a lonely person because I want something else. What does a wife do when she doesn’t have a husband? What does a mother do with no kids to take care of everyday?
I am grateful that I am in school right now. It has been a much needed distraction the last two and a half years. It keeps my brain occupied with something other than my issues. I know that this may sound a mess, but I am not going to be one of these women who pretend that they don’t want a man in their life and they’re all independent and all that. That’s bull. God made me the way that I am. I really desire a family. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t.
I have a boyfriend. He loves me. I love him, too. Honestly, I hope we get married one day. And you know what? He’s just as crazy about the holidays as I used to be! It’s fun to watch him get all hyped with his kids and his family. Now I know how crazy I used to look. LOL. But guess what? Every single holiday, he takes his kids and they roll out of town with a quickness to be with his family for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sometimes, he’s so into the family thing that he forgets all about me and he’ll be gone the entire holiday season and I don’t hear a peep from him. I’m hurt, but I understand. He’s with his family and he’s having a grand time. I can’t be angry at him for that, I guess. But it just makes me feel even lonelier than I already feel.
I hate the holidays.
I try to stay surrounded by my family and friends during this time. But again, it’s difficult. Sometimes, I would just rather be alone. I am always one question away from weeping. Just a few minutes ago, a really nice coworker of mine walked into my cube to say something to me and stopped in mid-sentence and said, “You okay? Ummm…you’ve been looking like something is bothering you.” And I just started crying. I couldn’t help it. I felt really stupid. The poor man looked so uncomfortable. So I just turned away and let him walk out without saying anything else (I’m sorry, Pastrana – I didn’t mean to do that to you). That’s why I would rather stay by myself. I lose my ability to keep it together during this time of year. Being around other people simply becomes an increasingly difficult exercise in smiling and laughing when I’d rather be doing something else – like homework believe it or not.
With that said, though, I love my parents…I love my sisters…I love my brothers. I love my nieces and nephews. I love my aunts and uncle. I love my grandma. I love my friends. I love my boyfriend. And even more than anything else on this planet, I love my children the most. I am grateful for all of these people.
Since my divorce, I have become a different person. In most ways, for the better. I am finally coming out of my shell and being the person that I really am and not letting the expectations and wants and needs of others dictate who I am and the decisions I make. I am talking more. I am expressing myself more. I am being more social (or at least trying to be – I fail most times because I’m not good at it). I am learning more and more about who I am. I am going through a period of self-discovery that sometimes makes me extremely excited and happy. Other times, it leaves me weeping uncontrollably for one reason or another. I find that I cry now when I think about Tony, my brother who has passed (I hardly ever cried about that before)…when I think about how my children are getting older and how the days are passing quickly when I am able to take advantage of opportunities to really nurture my children like I want to (that happens every night now when I lay down to go to sleep)…when I think about how I want to be a family again…when I think about how I feel like I am being punished for something that I’ll never be forgiven for…I wonder, “Am I really that terrible of a person? Is there something I need to do to deserve the love that I am desiring? Did I miss the ‘think-the-worst-about-DeeDee’ memo when it was circulated? Then I think about how I’ve felt so lonely for so long, that it is beginning to feel like a video game I’m stuck in and I can’t figure out what the hell I need to do to earn enough points to finally earn the only thing I’ve actually directly asked God for – to have a loving family of my own…to be a wife and mother again…to have someone love me back.
Prayerfully, one day I can stop crying about this. But in the meantime…
I hate the holidays.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
…mostly because I tell way too much information. But I have no one to talk to. Well, I do…but I just don’t feel like talking to people right now. Not even my regular road dogs. I just don’t want to talk at all.
I am a little bit lonely right now. I mean, I am surrounded by people who love me. However, I am going through something that I cannot quite put into words right now. Emotionally, my boyfriend and I are so distanced that it is becoming very awkward for me to converse with him at all. I do not know how to feel right now. I have been trying to talk to him for a couple of weeks now and he is avoiding any conversation that is not superficial. This afternoon, he called very ecstatic because he was going to have a very exciting evening – going to a basketball game and then a concert. After he told me about it, he asked me how my day was. I said, “Weird”. He immediately cut the conversation and said goodbye. That’s how it’s been for a long time now. I guess that is why I am lonely. It’s like I can talk about anything except me, unless he has something to say. Some days, I don’t talk to him all day long and then when we finally touch base, we don’t really talk. He tells me something and then when I attempt to talk about something, suddenly he has to go and he’ll call me back. He never does. Or he’ll call when I am likely sleeping. The only way I can get him is if I text him. Once I texted him something that he felt was inappropriate to talk about via text messaging; however, I thought it was important, I wanted to get it off my chest, and I felt it was the only way I could talk to him. I know something is wrong, but as usual, he doesn’t want to talk. At least not to me.
I feel really lost right now. I don’t know what he wants from me at this point – except to leave him alone. He’s not saying either way. Right now, it feels like he doesn’t want me around and that hurts.
I don’t understand why things have to be so complicated. What am I doing wrong? Seems like everything I say and do is wrong right now. That’s why I’ve been so quiet. He will probably ask me at another time (probably tomorrow) why I had a weird day at work today. I won’t want to talk about it then. I’m so mad at myself that I didn’t just say, “Fine”. Now, if I say my day was fine, he’ll say I’m lying. If I just come out and say that I don’t want to talk about it, then he’ll likely suck his teeth and get annoyed. But I hardly ever get to tell him real-time information. By the time he makes himself available to talk to me, it’s not even the same anymore for me.
I don’t know what is going on now. And I’ve got my kids here with me and homework and grandma and kids and homework and grandma and kids and homework….and I am so happy about the distractions right now. Having people around me 24/7 is keeping me from crying. The few moments I had in my car alone before I picked up my daughter from school, I cried immediately. I didn’t even know what I was crying for. I just feel really sad right now.
*sigh* I have so much going on…and I can’t even share it with my boyfriend because he doesn’t really want to listen. What am I doing wrong? I asked him to help me understand what was going on so I wouldn’t have to keep taking myself through this…but he never responded. I keep telling myself that he cares about my feelings, but I don’t know…he is not acting like it right now. The fact of the matter is that I don’t understand. If this were anyone else, I’d swear he was contemplating breaking up with me.
From now on, everything is fine…I’m fine…nothing’s bothering me. That’s gonna be my story and I’m sticking to it. It doesn’t seem to matter anyway. I guess in this scenario, knowing is the same as not knowing – I get the same response either way. I don’t want to work myself up thinking I am going to talk about anything and keep getting disappointed.
I’m not talking anymore right now. I get it…I mean, I don’t get the reasons, but I get that he doesn’t want to talk to me.
So I give up. Uncle.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 1 Comment
…yes…God loves me.
I know I haven’t been blogging lately. But there has been so much going on, I could never focus my thoughts long enough to come up with words to say. Honestly, I still don’t know what to say; but I figure if I just start typing, the words will come.
I am glad to say that I am no longer depressed. Things have really turned around for me. I attribute it to hitting rock bottom emotionally. Sometimes in order to be forced to do something about a situation, you have to hit rock bottom. I was so messed up one night I just started praying and crying until the tears would not come anymore. And I quietly said, “God…please. I need you to help me or I am going to slit my wrist.” And I heard God say to me that if I do not learn to trust Him and be patient while going through the process, then my depression and fear was going to kill me with sickness before I even had a chance to kill myself. At that point, I didn’t have a choice but to comply. I made up my mind that I was going to just trust that God was going to take care of me and to not worry about how things appeared to be going on the outside. I just stopped worrying about things I couldn’t change. And when I REALLY did that, for the first time in my life, I felt peace. Real peace. I’ve never felt that before. Suddenly, I didn’t worry about not having a job…I didn’t worry about my relationship…I didn’t worry about my kids…I didn’t worry about not having any money…I just didn’t worry about anything. All those things were still issues, but somehow it didn’t matter. I really believed that God was going to take care of me.
Not even a week later, I got a call out of the blue from an agency on a Monday morning begging me to do them a huge favor and take an assignment at the last minute because the person that was in the position bailed out or something. I don’t know. She had to beg me because the pay was way below what I previously said I would work for. But I said yes, and found out that the assignment was only two weeks because they had actually hired someone permanently already for the position, but she had to give her two week notice first. That was February 23, 2009. God told me to work that temp assignment like I’m being paid $100,000 a year. At the end of the two weeks, they decided to keep me temping in that position and gave the person they just hired a DIFFERENT position. Well, I kept working like a champ…two months went by. I got sick…with no insurance…and ended up with about $30,000 in medical bills for going to the emergency room for 6 hours. But I wasn’t worried. I needed that job (and that health insurance) like last year, but I just KNEW God was going to take care of me if I kept doing what He told me to do. Well, this week, they offered me the position. I start on Monday. So God answered my prayer regarding a job, and I am so grateful.
What I learned in that situation was how to trust God and have a positive attitude regardless of how things are going. My relationship with God grew exponentially during this time. And you know what? When they offered me the job, the salary was STILL below what I wanted to make. For a second, I was really messed up. All the plans I had for myself got ALLLLLLL messed up because of that salary…but you know what? By the end of the day (even though I had to get myself together), when I laid my head down on my pillow, I thanked God for that job…and I believed that God was going to give me some wisdom regarding how to manage my money on that salary. But I know that I won’t be there at that salary long. God has promised me some things and I believe Him. I believe they will happen. I really do.
Also, I made a promise that although I could conceive of attending church again, I would never be in another ministry again, and I will NEVER NEVER EVER EVER NEVER EVER EVUH play the piano again. I did not trust church or church leadership and I didn’t want to feel taken advantage of again. It took forever to finally join a church. But that same weekend that God told me to stop playing and trust Him, my raggedy butt was front row and center. Well, I cried like a baby and had a hard time making it to the car at the end of service because I was crying so hard. Weeks later, I joined. That was very hard to do and I cried like someone told me that my parents died when I joined because I was completely doing it in fear and trembling. But I did it. They are very nice people, but the church was so quiet and just really…White. And it was okay, really, because God was speaking to me loud and clear every Sunday. Ironically, I ended up joining another church a few months later. I am now in their membership class and plan on joining their music ministry! But you know what all that first church-joining was about? I realize that if I had walked into the church I am in right now FIRST, I would have never joined. I wouldn’t have been ready. I would have run out of there like a bat out of hell. They were too interactive and as a member, there is some level of accountability. Because of my hurt, I would have run from that even though it was the very thing I needed! So God led me to the first church in order to help me build some faith and make me sensitive to hearing from God again like I used to be. As it turns out, the woman that they hired at my job was a member of this church and she invited me. The minute I walked in the front door, I knew it was the right place. But let me tell you something: if I had never had that first experience, I would have never had the faith to join this church. NOW, I am where I am supposed to be.
Now I am still dealing with some other issues that God is helping me with…mostly my personal life. But I’ll talk about that another time. Tonight, I just wanted to share about how much God loves me.
Yes…God loves me.
Filed under: Happy for me!, Revelations | 1 Comment
I have had a few days to think some things over. I am still very much stressed; but somehow I was able to get out my physical slump – a little bit. I literally was not coming out of my bedroom for days, except to use the bathroom and take my dog out to eat. I wasn’t eating either. My appetite still isn’t quite right still. But there has been some progress. I left out of my room AND the house yesterday. Yay! It was only for a few hours, but honestly, it’s been the longest outing since I got here almost a month ago.
It seems as though I have applied for a million jobs…and the only thing I’ve gotten is spam and marketing phone calls. I think its a new ploy or something people are using to get your personal information. My plan now is to just work on getting a couple of part time jobs to try to cover myself for a while.
Having to do that is really messing with my self-esteem. It’s starting to make me feel as if I am going COMPLETELY backwards…like I am a failure like my family probably believes I am. They’ve never said it to my face, but they rarely speak highly of me to others. I know because people like to talk and it always gets out. Even when my parents talk to me directly, they typically talk at me…kind of impersonal…like they are talking to a stranger…and they always walk on eggshells like they are skeptical and I never understood why. Besides…I have never had a person come back to me and say that my parents have ever spoken any positive about me. And everybody on the planet can’t be wrong. But I’ve always known anyway…even when I was a child. I’d just like for once to be able to say, “You know, I’m not the loser you all think I am”…and then be able to substantiate it. Right now, my life dictates that I don’t have too much going on…just like they say. I’m starting to believe that no one takes me very seriously either. But whatever. I can’t think about that right now….it’s starting to depress me all over again.
Well, I am going to try to be productive today. I may even walk outside and go to the beach today. We’ll see.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 3 Comments
I am depressed.
I wish I wasn’t, but I am. I don’t go anywhere. I don’t talk to people. I am avoiding phone calls. I don’t care that I am taking a bath very often. Why? I’m not going anywhere anyway, unfortunately. My hair is coming out in clumps and my split ends are ridiculous. My skin is ugly and I’m getting fat. I’m having a hard time caring about anything. And I mean anything.
I need a job.
In addition to all of my financial issues, I have heart issues.
I am lonely despite moving here to Florida with my mom. My brother is moving 6 hours away at the end of the month and I am very disappointed about that because one of the reasons I moved here was to be near my brother, which I really needed. But he’s got a life and things are going well for him, so that’s great. At least one of us is happy.
I’m probably lonely because I am distancing myself from human contact because of how depressed I am. It is increasingly getting difficult to want to have a discussion with anyone…including my mother, my children, and my boyfriend…or whatever he is. He’s not my boyfriend anymore really, but I don’t know what else to call him. When he told me that he didn’t want anything from me, I was devastated. It has utterly frustrated and confused me. I decided to just let that relationship go for now. I don’t have a choice really. But I think he underestimated how important our relationship has been to me. It’s the only one that I…nevermind. I don’t feel like talking about it.
I am trying my best not to give up completely…but it is getting increasingly difficult.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
I made it.
Well, I’ve made it to Florida. And I feel kind of weird. On the one hand, I’ve finally gotten some sleep…I’m glad to be here with my Mom…Tito is enjoying the warm weather…and for the most part, I feel stress-free. Well, except that big thing about needing a job. It’s a little rough. My city skills are way too much for the country and I’ve been advised to dumb it down. I guess that’s what I’ll be working on today (other than my homework). But truth be told, I’d rather be unemployed in Florida than unemployed in the big city. It’s rough in the city.
I sort of thought that when I got down here that the lines of communication would open up and my boyfriend and I would really start talking. Honestly, I want to stay with him…I just need to work on ME for right now. He says that he understands that. I think he does and he doesn’t. I don’t think he understands why I need to do this away from him. I have tried explaining that to him, but he doesn’t hear me too much.
But anyway…
I still want to marry him. That is going to require that we stay in communication and have a long distance relationship. He hasn’t really been giving me much lately. Mostly because he’s really been going through some things and the way he reacts to things is to disappear and doesn’t want to talk. That’s not really fair to do because we are supposed to be in a relationship, but honestly, I understand it. I do the same thing…I just don’t do it with him. I guess we are very different in that way. When things go wrong, he runs away from me. When things go wrong with me, I run towards him. If he continues to run away from me and not talk, I do not know how we are going to maintain our relationship. He did this very thing when I lived three minutes away from him. And it was difficult then to talk to him. Being here does not improve things.
I do not know how to handle this relationship anymore. Should I continue to consider it a relationship? Or should I just let it go and come back to it when I move back in 2011? I am not sure anymore. Whenever I act as if I have any doubts, he gets all upset like I said something wrong…but then the next day, we are back to saying nothing.
Single people are different from people in marriages or committed, loving relationships. Single people see the world differently. People in committed and loving relationships see the world in terms of “us” and “we.” They only make moves if they benefit “the team”. When they meet people, particularly the opposite sex, before one word is spoken, they know what’s up. You don’t even consider that other person anything but a professional or platonic associate. But single people, on the other hand, are very different in their thinking. Single people see the world in terms of “me, myself, and I”…when they make decisions, they only have to consider themselves, for the most part…and they think about their future in terms of relationships. So when single people meet other single period, there is something in the air…the possibility of a relationship or a future with that other person, if they want it.
Ever since I have been in a relationship with this man, it’s always been “us” and “we” for me. Even when I was spending all of my time alone, it was still “us”. I am always presented with other options, but I have NEVER thought about being with anyone else, despite how complicated our relationship was. I even tried at one point to force myself to be open to other relationships…and I just couldn’t do it. I simply love this man. Even now that I am over 1,000 miles away, I still think in terms of “us”. He knows that. Sometimes, I think that it is why he handles our relationship so carelessly. He knows I’m not going anyway.
But being in Florida changes things drastically. I am so far away. Communication is ALL we have now. And if he doesn’t make any real efforts to communicate, then our relationship is going to fade away, no matter how much I want it. That scares me because essentially, the relationship rests in his ability to make an effort to reach out and I’m not sure he’ll do that. He always has reasons why he can’t and they are always legitimate (to him). Will he do the same thing now? He is so used to me reaching out and keeping things together. But I can’t do that anymore. It’s not just MY relationship…it’s OUR relationship. And if he wants it, he has to work for it, just like I do.
I hate being single. He knows that, too. First of all, there’s no one out here really (at least I haven’t met anyone worth my time). I’ve pretty much given up the relationship thing…I don’t want to be hurt any more than I already have. If my relationship with my boyfriend doesn’t work, I might just have to be alone. He knows that, too. I used to say that all the time. But when I said it before, I had no plans to be without him. Now, I am realizing that it is a possibility that we will really break up for real for real. If we did, I don’t think I could talk to him anymore because I would have a hard time just being his friend and emotionally, that would absolutely jack me up inside. The thought of that makes my stomach hurt and I almost cried typing that.
But damn…I just have to believe that I am worth loving and cherishing. I have to believe that I am worth someone putting some effort into a relationship with me. I was really hoping that my boyfriend would come around and not just see how he acts hurts me, but be moved to change his behavior. But I am starting to see that he has already made up his mind about how he wants to live his life…and I guess if I want to be apart of it, then I have to be the one to make adjustments or just accept it and get over it. But that’s not an option anymore. I’ve done that for the last few years and nothing has changed. You can’t change a person if they don’t want to change.
So do I TRULY move on while I’m here in Florida? Right now, my mindset is that I am here to get myself together and do some things for myself, and then go back to the city and continue my relationship with him. But…I don’t know. While I am here in Florida, do I date? Do I even open myself up to that? Honestly, I am not even thinking about dating and I am definitely giving off that vibe. But I am pretty sure that if I decided to open myself up to it, the dates would come. That is how is usually happens with me. Like I said, I’m busy right now. I’m too busy being unemployed to be looking at some dude. I’m trying to find a job and I’ve got plenty homework to do. That’s where my mind is. At the moment. But once things settle down for me, then what.
I hate relationships. I mean, I don’t….but I do. They are so complicated. And I swear, I’m just not good at it. Either that or maybe I really am a terrible person and I’m just in denial about it…nevermind.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
I try my best to not hate people
…but they keep doing things that just make me want to denounce the entire human race. Why are people so self-serving? Why do people…*sigh*…nevermind. I can’t even…just…people suck.
This is why I am a hermit. Because people do suck. Yes, I live a pretty quiet and boring existence…but I’d rather be quiet and boring than loud and
UUUUUGGGGGHHHH!
irate. Because that’s what I’m about to be right at this very moment…pissed off. Just when you start trusting people, they do things that really force you to walk on eggshells around them and be completely skeptical. But that’s not how I like to deal with people. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt…you know? Prove to me that you’re an asshole…THEN I will act like you’re one. That’s how I used to be. But people are forcing me to treat everyone like jackasses right up front – because the minute I let my guard down and trust them, they go, “oh, by the way…I’m a jackass.” So I may as well skip all the formalities and just assume they are jackasses so I don’t waste my time.
UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH…
I am so disenchanted with most things and most people right now.
Calgon…take me FAAAAAAAAAAAAR away.
Filed under: ***[big sigh]***, Random thoughts | Leave a Comment
I’ve been in my relationship for several years now. I love him more than anyone or anything else in this world. I believe he loves me, too. But the last two years have been very difficult. We had discussions about being with one another forever. But when we had those discussions, his life was different. His life has changed now. Drastically. It’s a good thing for him that it has changed; however, this big change means that I have been moved out of the picture slowly but surely. And his life has not and will not slow down from this point. I have been trying my best to talk to him about this for the last two years and he completely denied that there was an issue – all while we barely saw each other and spent time together. I honestly do not remember the last time we went on a date. He rarely makes plans with me…and he is always too busy to talk. When I finally have a moment to talk to him, he’s too tired and preoccupied with other things and I can’t get him to respond to me. Every time I say, “I don’t think you have time for me anymore”, he gets defensive, accuses me of being negative, gets all huffy-puffy…but never really addresses it. So it went on for two years. I became the loneliest and saddest girl in love that I’ve ever seen.
Finally…finally…finally…two years later, he admits that he doesn’t have time for me anymore. So I ask him how he thinks the relationship is going to keep going…and he doesn’t know. Later on in the conversation, he goes round and round without ever giving a solution. He says that he needs time to think of a solution. But what is there to think about? Is his life going to change? No. Is the situation going to just calm down? No, it’s not. If anything, it’s going to get even crazier. How in the world can the situation change unless HE changes how he has been handling his life? Well, he then informed me that he didn’t see himself changing.
*blank stare*
Is the situation going to change itself? Ummm…no. But he eliminates the only real viable solution available – personal change. So where does that leave me then? What am I supposed to do at this point? Ideally, he wants me to stay with him and wait for him to be able to have a real relationship with me. The only problem with that is that he does not want to make any commitments as to when. That’s a problem because I’ve already spent the last two years being lonely. I was married to a man for almost 11 years and I was lonely the entire time…I just can’t believe that I have been lonely AGAIN! I’ve given my life to this man…and…*sigh*…I just can’t do it anymore. My heart cannot take it. And he wants me to keep being lonely and hurt for an even more undisclosed amount of time? Truth be told, I want to wait…but I know I shouldn’t. He seems to be willing to make a commitment to one thing and one thing only (he knows what that is) and there is nothing wrong with that thing. But again, where does that leave me? I’m so vested in this relationship and I truly love him…but I’m starting to believe that he is not ready to take a risk with me and trust me completely. And if he can’t trust me and is not willing to take risks with me…then what’s left? What’s the point? I think he is willing to take risks and trust me…but not right now. Something else is more important.
I finally told him later that evening that if he cannot make any changes in his life to accommodate our relationship anymore, then he needs to just let me go. He doesn’t want to, though, because he feels that if he lets me go, then I will definitely move on with someone else and won’t be available for him when he’s ready for me.
That is only a half-truth. I’m not 100% certain that I would have moved on with someone else; but I will very likely make some moves that would make it difficult to be in a relationship later.
For the last two weeks, I have really been fighting the urge to pack up and move to Florida. I mean, I’ve BEEN wanting to go; but truth be told, the only reason why I am still here is because I wanted to be with him (assuming the rest of the details of my life could be worked out). I didn’t want to leave because he made it 100% clear that he would not move there. He wants to go back home to the Midwest in about 10 years. So I stayed and gave up any dreams about Florida. I was willing to move to the Midwest where he was from to live in weather I HATED. I love him. But now, I can’t see why I should continue to make plans around his plans and his life and his family when he made a statement that he doesn’t make plans…he just deals with things as they come.
The problem with that statement is this: while he’s “just living”…he wants me to continue to make plans to be with him. I’ve already planned and made decisions about my life based on our relationship for the past few years…and well, I’m at this point. So it’s okay for me to do it, but he’s not obligated? You know what? I remember one time he told me that he doesn’t like people telling him what to do and trying to control him (that was his reply when I begged him to make some commitments). He wants to live his life…on his terms…and really that’s okay, I guess, but that’s the wrong attitude to have toward someone you say you want to marry. He is very self-centered and believes that the world is his in every sense of the word (damn you, Nas)…everyone is apparently supposed to jump through whatever hoops to make him happy, but rarely does he reciprocate it unless we’re talking about his children or his family. It takes selflessness to have a successful marriage – and he ain’t having it. He’s not willing to be that way with me. He also finally admitted that he didn’t trust me the way that he should. *sigh*
It’s been a few days now and although he agrees that he no longer has time for me, that there is no emotional intimacy, and that he doesn’t see himself changing, he still doesn’t want to end the relationship. So I’m pretty sure he’s avoiding the topic.
Emotionally, I have already begun letting go of the relationship. Unless my life just does a serious loopteeloop, I’m on my way to Florida as soon as I can get there…at least that’s my plan. I will miss him terribly. I will probably cry more days than not. I honestly believed that we were meant to be together. But something has to change in order for that to happen…because he doesn’t want to.
I am beginning to realize that truly loving someone is just not enough sometimes. Sometimes life (or the other person) just gets in the way of what we think we really want. Maybe what I want is not necessarily the best thing for me…I don’t know anymore (I’m hoping that I am wrong and that this will all be a dream). But loving someone should not be this hard and painful…it just shouldn’t be.
Maybe I need to have the same attitude about life that he does…to live my life…on my terms. The only problem is…I don’t know what those terms are.
I guess I need to figure that out on my own…without him.
...where I wanna be right now...
Filed under: ***[big sigh]***, Revelations | 5 Comments
I See You Seeing Me 