In Search Of The Balance

Somehow I had actually completely forgot all about this blog, until I was sitting here this evening thinking about my bucket list.  I had the ooohhh hell I did one of those before moments…and then off to search the internet I began.  A few password resets later here I am.  Several years later, a bit wiser but still trying to find that balance.  Not sure where it is or how it is obtained but I’m still in search and as I looked at that bucket list I realized that not much had been marked off in the past few years, but more importantly that some of those things weren’t very important to me after all.  So a few clicks and edit’s later I think I am happy with what it is today.  Perhaps not tomorrow but today it fits.  Oddly the first thing on that list was to visit Disney…which I am happy to report that I will be doing at the end of this month.  A vacation, no kiddos, no agenda, no expectations.  Get to head to Florida and see an old friend from high school…..which I believe is what has brought me to find this blog again.  The intense overwhelming need to write, to get some clarity to everything clogging my brain.  Life has been anything but peaches and cream lately….a 7 yr. old an almost 2 yr. old and here I am again.  Alone.  Things happen for a reason I suppose, or at least they say, finding the reason or figuring it out is the hard part.  No one truly wants to be alone, I honestly don’t think that we were built that way.  One needs companionship, a common ground, another soul to experience lifes journey with.  I apparently have some gravitational pull towards the impossible, or seemingly impossible.  I am a walking disaster most days.  The feeling itself is difficult to explain, panic and anxiety.  I’ve gone probably 10 years without talking to this particular friend from high school….and now it seems that’s all I do.  It’s nice, refreshing, different.  When I laugh I truly laugh….and actually smile.  At the same time there are several states and several things that are completely in the way.  It’s confusing, bittersweet and I can’t help but to think that nothing good is going to come out of it.  At the moment I am filled with anxiety and frustration….I can usually find the words to express how I am feeling…but they aren’t there.  I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the feeling…or even lack thereof feeling.  Perhaps it is the unattainable.  I wish the head and the heart didn’t connect and that at times you wouldn’t have the ability to feel….it’s can make a sane person crazy.  This moment in time is very strange for me, so many things going on and so much on my mind at any given moment.  I planned this vacation out of fear at first…I seem to follow the path of my Mother in every aspect, I’ve made the same mistakes, have the same quirky issues and seem to gravitate towards the things that she does.  She also had a nervous breakdown at 33….I wonder if two lives can follow such similar paths and not end up in the same place, and I wonder if I’m heading to the same place.  I am desperately trying to find some difference, something I can do differently to change the future that I see.  She took 5 days in a psych ward…..I think I’ll take mine somewhere warm.

My big US was last Monday…and it’s a boy. I wanted a girl so bad it was insane, I swear I had visions of getting up and just choke slamming the US tech. I honestly have no idea what the dr said except “completely healthy”…well that and the time when she asked if we found out what it was and she saw female on my chart and then remembered that was referring to me…that felt like another sharp stab. See the thing is SO has 3 boys and I have 1..we both wanted a girl so badly. I bit my lip so hard in that appointment just to somewhat stay composed, went to the bathroom and cried. Then continued to cry for the next two days. Everything sent me into a crying fit. I thought a little retail therapy would help and that if I just saw one thing that was boy and that I loved I would begin to be okay with it. Everything boy just sucked, I couldn’t help it and I was so very upset. I look at it now and I know I was being completely irrational, but at least I am honest. I was devastated and I was mad at God and there was absolutely no one that was going to be able to tell me that it was going to be okay. The day of the US I seriously told SO that I didn’t care if his name was Fred (no offense to the Freds out there) because I already picked the most favorite name I ever had for a boy, AND I WANTED A GIRL!!! It was a really tough few days for me, and yes I know that it was over something completely stupid and that I should be thankful that he is healthy and I should just stop complaining already…yeah I get it. But that didn’t make me feel better and I am entitled to be pregnant, irrational, emotional and just a plain bitch….and oh was I for about 2 days. I told some lady that worked at Walmart to shut up because she was singing so loudly and off key that I couldn’t even think straight, SO had to live with a weepy, cranky woman…and my friends oooohhh poor things, they got to listen to me just be completely shut out to the idea of a boy so I chose to just not even listen when they mentioned it. My mom told me a story about when I was born, I was supposed to be a boy, they did the US and they told her it was a boy. She already had my sister so she was very excited about a boy, and ooops here I am. All girl, she told me that story again and was all Tara I still love you it will be okay. I just looked at her and said Shut up Mom I’m not you and I hate God.
Yep that was how bad I was……and the rainbow….I’m good now. I took my 2 days to make life a living hell for anyone around me and I cried and sulked and now I am just thrilled to have a healthy baby boy, my son is over the moon at having a brother. Says that we can name him Ayden too and they will be twins. And I said that after this I was done, done, done with having kids. Now I’m going to test God’s patience with me one more time….and next time if it’s a boy….well maybe he really does just hate me 😉

It’s a bit late…but yes Ayden turned 5.  It’s been one crazy ride with him I tell you.  He is so many things wrapped into one and sometimes it is just overwhelming for us both.  He can cuddle and be the cutest little thing ever, or he can ham it up and tell some funny little stories.  Other times he is shy and shows that he to can be scared and frightened of new situations, he jumps those hurdles and comes out on top.  The last year has been really hard for us both, we have had a lot of changes.  Some good, some bad.  He was diagnosed with ADHD and after months of research and pulling at my heartstrings I did put him on medicine.  It shows his teachers the great kid that I see and he can focus and we are all better because of it I think.  Today he went to Kindergarten and he was scared and so was I, he went in and he’s going to be just fine I think.  Even though now I am sitting here and just wondering how his day is and if he is scared or worried.  He will make it and so will I.  I cherish everyday of our crazy life and can’t wait for our new adventures.

So since I was on BC when I found out that I was pregnant, I have no idea how far along I am. My guess is about 8 weeks. I’ve been trying to get into a doctor ever since I found out and I’m really just in a HUGE catch 22. Once upon a time I lost my job at a major automobile manufacturer, and with that I lost my insurance. I had a small severence package and I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to collect unemployment. I rarely get sick so insurance was never really a priority for me…..until now. Fast forward to now and I’ve applied for the state insurance program, which is where I have ran into problems. It can take 45 days to process and every single OB/GYN that I have called says that they cannot accept me because I am pending and at the same time they cannot allow me to self pay until I’m approved. They say it’s a “law”…but no one at the state insurance place seems to know about said law. Try telling the Dr’s office that one, it did NOT go over so well for me. They have the control to schedule or not schedule. They chose the latter. So now I have no idea what to. I seriously am stressed about not knowing what is going on, with Ayden I had awesome insurance, awesome prenatal care. This time I’m scared out of my mind because I have no idea what to do in this situation.

So I just realized that really it’s been FOR FRIGGIN EVER since I have written a blog. Not that I haven’t had a lot on my mine because I have. Tons actually. Here is a run down and hopefully I will do a better job of staying up on this now.
-The three HPT’s that I took confirmed that yes, I am pregnant. While on birth control.
-Ayden was diagnosed with ADHD.
-I’m moving.
-There is much debate/fight between myself and ex husband and his oh so crazy family.

Things have been nuts around here.  My job finally ended and I am officially unemployed and also officially on my way to a Bachelors is Psychology.  It’s crazy and exciting.  School started today and I’m trying to adjust to the whole not having to get up and go to work thing.  I’m kind of worried about the finances of it all but I think I have a pretty good plan to make that happen and hopefully it will work out okay.

Tomorrow we leave for a much, much needed and very long overdue vacation.  I hadn’t planned on a vacation of this sort at all this summer, but the planets aligned and somehow made it possible.  A week of playing in the sand and relaxing, I can’t wait.  We have no agenda, with the exception of Tuesday.  Since we’re on vacation over Aydens birthday we’ll be doing all kinds of silly kid things, overindulging in way too much sugar and letting him have his day.  It will be fun.  I also have an adult day in Savannah planned, I’ve never been there but I hear that it is fabulous and I cannot wait to browse shops, visit the winery and whatever else strikes my fancy at the moment.