Infant Atwell

Well as you can see from my other blog post (crazy single life). I am back to being single. I have a new job which is great even though I bitch about it. Decided to do DNA in late 2014. Then my dad and his wife did theirs. DNA came back for sure I am his daughter, he never had any doubts BUT the man he was told was his father was not. Took quite a bit of digging and a lucky DNA match (his half sister) and we got that all figured out. The hard part is that he was conceived during his father's marriage. No contact with any of the close cousins but I am now an administrator for one of the family research projects. The other big news, is that right after Thanksgiving last year, I sent my maternal sister L a friend request on facebook. I had sent her a message two years earlier to let her know my oldest daughter had been diagnosed with MS but she never saw it. She accepted my request right away and the fun began. Turns out our mother had told her about me shortly before cutting contact. She showed a picture of me and my family but it was the picture that comes in the frame. Had it been a real picture of me she would have known. I am the spitting image of our mother. Mom is a real mess, mentally ill, bulimic, anorexic and a narcissist. Both my mothers are alike. Mom has early dementia. L was thrilled to find out about me. She was going to wait to tell our brother but decided to tell him right away. He was mad that our mom kept such a secret from them. L called the oldest of our aunts who denied everything but admitted to knowing my dad. Sigh, lies and secrecy still. One cousin initially welcomed contact but family drama ended up with her blocking me on facebook. She was the cousin that my adopted family almost got, but her mother ran off to Arizona to get married instead. I have learned a lot about the family. My grandmother Rubye (who I usually refer to as my EVIL Grandmother) was horrible. Our mother was also abusive to my siblings. I meet L in Feb and my dad went with me. He got along great with L and her husband. Her little girl EG (two years old) is adorable. I went to WY for a visit and again in May when L's daughter graduated HS (she has four girls in all). Mom also came. I pretended to be a cousin from R's dad's side (he is also adopted). His parents were thrilled to be in on the charade. I got to meet our mother and shake her hand. It was very surreal. Since she has dementia she didn't recognize me. L later told mom's husband who I was and how long ago I had found her. He was shocked but not too much. He knows how secretive she is. He wants to get to know me. Will be interesting how that pans out. L and family were here over the summer. We had dinner with my dad and his wife. We all get along so well. My dad said, at least one of your sisters is nice! Speaking of HIS kids, I finally got my friend request accepted by his oldest son. K and I have been friends on FB for a long time and even met up once. She is nine months younger than me and he is ten months younger than her. I haven't done much but like a few of his posts. Not sure how that will or will not progress. They are understandable bitter about our dad's behavior when he abandoned them. Spend my first Thanksgiving with my sister and her family. I still have to meet one of her daughters who lives in Alaska. Her daughter R is getting a DNA test for Christmas so we can figure out her father's history. I now have lots of pictures of my mother's family. Last year my sister gave me the bracelet that our mother's father gave to our mother when she was born. It was so touching. I also have family recipes and stories. L and I are very different politically but can talk or not talk about that without getting mean. I have worked on her husband's family and tree and that of her oldest daughter's bio father. I am sending them all genealogy binders for Christmas. I have yet to talk to my maternal brother. He has a lot of issues stemming from our mother. I don't know if we will ever meet or have contact and I am fine with that. He is a bit of a jerk..lol Well that's about two years summed up. I wish I had not waited so long to contact her but I was really worried based on what our mother said about "no one wants to know you". So I am back to blogging and back to helping adoptees search. DNA is the game changer. I helped two adoptees search and am learning as I go.

Right now I am at the best place in my life in many ways. I am getting married soon, work is stressful but keeps me busy. Thanksgiving went well. CD's daughter and her bf came over, it was nice. I sent the girls a text but never heard from them (still haven't). This past week was the anniversary of my nmother dumping me. A total mix of emotions. When we went to Wal-Mart this morning, seeing the Christmas stuff really got me down. No kids at Christmas. THe holidays bring up such memories (mostly bad) about growing up and how bad it was. This song really hit me: https://www.metrolyrics.com/living-hell-lyrics-pain-teens.html

Is a horrible thing. I have it a lot when I drive. It limits where I go. C is trying hard to understand. He knows I can't just get over it. He knows about the abuse I went through going up, not in a lot of detail because I have blocked so much out. The sexual abuse started at a very early age. My amother told me later is was fault because I was "seductive". I don't think a child can be that way. I know much of it started around th age of two. My abro left home when I was five and later apologized for not staying and protecting me.My aps had no problem with a neighbor, GK, wanting to be around me. GK would come by and bring me pies (fruit pies, I rarely eat them to this day). He wanted to "date" me which my aps thought was fine. GK was also a dwarf. I am creeped out to this day about dwarves. One "date" he got to take me to the planetarium. Perfect place for a pedophile to take a girl (I was maybe 10). GK got a job as a chef at a country club, my friend's family was a member and they found out his past. He lost all contact with his kids because he was a convicted child molester (his own daughter). After that my aps felt that it was wrong for him to see me. They were willing to let it continue but were forced to not allow it by the other adults. A last violent episod with my afather was when I was 15. I tried to conform to all the rules (cleaning, reading and watching what they wanted). One night he got violent. I broke up the fight with he and my amother. He said would not hit someone with glasses on, so I took mine off. He went to hit me and I grabbed a belt and hit him. The buckle caught his face at the corner of his eye and ripped him. I told him if he ever touched me, I would kill him. They got scared and said I was a danger and asked their psychiatrist to have me committed. I met briefly with the doc and told him, since he knew aboutt he abuse and didn't report it, I would have his license. I had nearly perfect attendance, was active in church and was not the "bad" kid they could justify putting me away in the mental hospital. I have been asked when the anxiety developed. It has always been there. It hit when I had B, my oldest daughter. It was a difficult pregnancy (like all mine were), she was very sick at birth and I had to go back to work when she was just five weeks old (her dad was not working and we needed the health benefits). I used to be very independent about driving. The anxiety got worse and worse. Perhaps it was a post partum thing, I don't know. Now it is almost the third (if not third) year anniversary of my nmother dumping me. Maybe four years now. Either way, I am about 45 minutes from her. My girls aren't here anymore. Son is here but an issue. I had such high hopes for this year. All three kids here, an intact family. Blown to hell. I try to look at the plus on this but it is hard.

I don't think I am meant to be a daily blogger. Since this is my 'adoption" blog maybe I don't have enough material to blog about. A big thing is happening. I am getting married in less than a month on my birthday. Like many adoptees my birthday has been a huge issue for me. The bigger day has been my gotcha day just five days after my bday. Its the day my amother wanted to use as my bday. This year my bday is 12/12/12. I had joked for a few years about making a huge deal out of this one. Well this time I will be getting married, for the third time. I am a strong believer in committment. C is also. Just "living together" is not enough for us. Marriage is the real deal. People talk about it being just a "piece of paper". Well that piece of paper changed my identity when I was adopted that piece of paper matters. Marriage to me shows the world that I am committed to the other person and we are serious. It may sound traditional to others but I am glad that C and I think the same way. We talkd about getting married but he came out and asked me to decide on a day. Yes I am changing my name to his. It means a great deal to him. This was a huge topic for us. I am agreeing to it, he is not forcing it and I am choosing to do it. So I will have another name but this is of my choosing.

I work in insurance. My boss has had some clients since she started out 25 plus years ago. The job is about relationships and knowing enough about people to help them. A is stage four cancer survivor. He visits or calls a bit. Yesterday he came by (he's an older man, in his 60s, and a dapper dresser). He had come from a co-workers daughter's funeral. Girl was 22 years old, drug overdose. He said she always seemed happy. He then mentioned his coworker and her husband "took in" her sister's daughter and raised her as "their own". Bio mom was a druggie and prostitute and chose not to be in her daughter's life. Then A adds "maybe knowing her mother was around and didn't want to see her caused this. Maybe she couldn't get over it, not having that tie". He actually understood that the "primal wound" could cut so deep. The bio mom showed up briefly at the funeral. I told A I was adopted and understood.

So many candidates want to deny access to abortion and birth control. The lack of safe abortion or birth control is what led to many of us being born and adopted out. The anti abortion/ pro adoption movement go hand in hand. I want my daughters to have the same rights I have had. People cringe when they hear adoptees say they would have rather been aborted because of the pain adoption has caused. Whether or not you would choose an abortion, don't deny that right from another woman. Adoption in many ways is a crime against women committed by women. Keep options, real options and choices available.

Not a very successful start to NaBloPoMo. I am enjoying my first "real" weekend in my new place (boyfriend's place). No kids to worry about (ignored Ed and his pleas to use my car). Got one call from B. No demands on me though. It is an odd feeling. The kids would sometimes go (or have lived with their grandparents). Caitlin has been to visit before we moved, but never for more than a few weeks. Her visit in the summer was six weeks and the longest we had been apart. I still had B here though (and Ed). Today, no calls or texts until late afternoon. Guess who needs the spare key to his place, fine I put it under the mat. They who calls (over ten times) and texts he NEEDS my car and HAS TO HAVE IT. I should take the bus in the morning, not him taking it to get around. His friends have a car he could have borrowed to get the key but NO. He has lied and told them the car was HIS. SO after a long conversation (argument), I stood fast. I am glad CD is sleeping and not having to endure this drama.