My question is this:  Why do some people think that my not “living up to my potential” is in some way an insult to them?

Crap, I don’t even remember how the conversation got started. For all I know, I started it. It’s often a topic since it is supposed to be one of the things I am working on:  FINDING A J-O-B.

There are many reasons I haven’t found a job. The two big ones are because I am extremely picky and I am afraid. Sure, the pickiness is an offshoot of the fear.

I get it! I *should* have a job. I am obviously not trying hard enough to find a job. I’m doing everything wrong, I’m not applying for all that I should, I’m not ‘getting OUT there’.

I wonder if writing my message on a cardboard sign and standing at a busy intersection would benefit my efforts more than the suckage I review each day in the want ads.

“Oh, less than 3% of people find jobs through the want ads.” Great.

Wonderful.

Where the fuck do I go meet these people that will supposedly be bowled over with my lovely credentials and offer a decent salary WITH BENEFITS?

This person, on hearing that my tale of woe, didn’t get the fact that powers that be told me NO and that I’m not banging on their door trying to convince them otherwise. I don’t get why there isn’t understanding. (The state I live in denied my certification to do something another state granted me certification for – and this new state wants me to get more school and the programs are requiring me to have it already to get into grad school. Classic Catch 22) I don’t even know if I want this career anyway in this state.

Long story.

Boring.

Hey, I know I’m not doing enough and I’m not applying for as many positions as I *should* because the whole process fills my insides with a cold tight congealed chicken fat feeling and I get anxious and start hyperventilating. I know! I do.

I know I’m letting fear shut me down to a state of inactivity.

Your yelling at me stupid options isn’t helping. Thankyouverymuch.

Whew. I feel better.

(I gave the person my card and said, “Email me.”) I’m such an idiot.

Would you read a book that started like that?  if it was fiction and not a memoir?  Just wonderin’.

I would love to write fiction. Harper Lee once said, “I would advise anyone who aspires to a writing career that before developing his talent he would be wise to develop a thick hide.”

Whoa.

Considering she only wrote ONE book – and a GREAT book, at that! – it makes one wonder if she never quite got that hide thick enough.

Just what I’m thinking about today…

“What brings this up?”, you ask.     Oh, I’m just sitting here reflecting on my summer.    It’s been crazy good, but I don’t think my husband shares that sentiment.    Not that he didn’t share the same things; or most of the same things.  But he has the nutty thing called a J-O-B and it has issues.    Let’s just leave it at that.

I wish I could embrace that attitude of joy for each day, each experience, each person who crosses my path.  To give off a spirit of cheerfulness;  to be the kind of person that everyone who comes in contact with says, “She is so fun to be around, always in a good mood.”   Honestly, and this explains or counters what others call my ‘lack of ambition’ is truly my highest goal even though often I forget.  I forget!   I get weighed down in the hassles and conundrums and doot-da-doots of daily life.    And stop paying attention, I suppose.

Wow, am I waxing?!  ha.    I miss this blog.  Where I just sat and typed and felt and expressed.    It’s so good for me!    I don’t do this in my journal anymore.  I rarely visit here.  And over at the book blog, I feel inadequate to critique the novels I read, to pinpoint what and why I feel something or not in the books I read.   But I love my book-blogging.  I do.

I’m off topic.   [Gathers thoughts back to my point if I even have one.]  I opened this blog today to express my sadness and happiness for summer.

I’m sad that a chapter has closed and happy that is went better than expected.    I made a friend.   That friend is now off on new adventures and I wish her well.

I called her “My Summer Intern”.   We opened our home to a young college graduate who needed a place to stay for a few months and it was awesome.     And we just hugged, said goodbye and drove away.

Thus, I’m sad.

But happy that we took the risk and it paid off.

OK, time moves on.   I best get a move on, myself and start this day.

I will try to remember to be cheerful.

The following samples of my recommending-writings are from the head of yours truly.  This first one is BEFORE I start exploring the multitude of sample character references.   Please vote, which feels more impressive?  Thank you.

Draft 1 – I have had the pleasure of being acquainted with G_ A_ for almost 7 years as a friend of the family and heartily recommend him as a student and a fine young man.     More recently, I was able to spend a summer as his math tutor;   we met twice a week to explore the basics and more of Trigonometry.

GA exhibited an eagerness to learn, a maturity beyond his years and a fun personality  – especially considering that he was spending time on a summer’s day to devote to mathematics for the sake of his future interests and endeavors. He is capable, dedicated and very bright.   

As a candidate for any program or monies designed to encourage scholarship, GA would make an excellent choice for consideration.    I highly recommend him.

Simple but wordy, yes?

and now …

Draft 2–

I have come to find out that I know not myself or just prefer not to bring myself to those self-awareness parties.  Much more fun to bring a changeable dramatic persona than anything having to do with reality, wouldn’t you agree?

And by you, I mean ‘me’.

How freeing and fun it is to type up such nonsense when I know no one is looking!  Yet the possibility of being viewed (read) has it’s thrill.    Unfortunately, I do feel I know the one or two of you who might happen to have this blog in their Google-Reader and thus upon seeing bold NEW post, ventures over here to be amused.

But is that amusement what I am going for?   Because I *know* you.   And yet I don’t.  I know an IDEA of you.

Therein lies the rub.   I have an IDEA of me that bursts upon my insecurities and causes me great angst.   Better that I just do.  DO; than sit and think.  I think way too much.

Well?     Can I structure an entire plot-driven or character-driven or new-age story line out of such nonsense?  Have I already used the word ‘nonsense’?    Crap.   START OVER.

I need somebody – a person, character, protagonist –  to drive some plot points even if they are action in the head, so to speak.     The theme of misunderstanding.   The theme of not knowing what you think you know.  And the theme of not dealing with reality.

Which leads me to my favorite quote.    Reality is only my perception of what is real.     Who said that I do not know.    Surely it is an ancient concept…

without editing. Truly, editing oh I meantyping onthe iPad is annoying. The space baronly seems to recognize half the times I click on it.Same for the Shift key to give UPPER case.

Best to consider this a draft.

Iwatched IDOL last night and it was one of the best of the season! MY faves were Casey, Lauren, thia, Pia and Holly. My least faves: Niama, Lusk and Stefano. paul doesn’t do anything for me. Scotty is good but too country. Thia stil seems so young but I adore her voice. I don’t really have any clear favorites. James is entertaining. Guess, we will just have to find ut tonight whichtwo are off.

I don’t really know what else to chat about so I amgoing to postthis and continue my WP app experiment.

have a great day.fasd

(I will probably delete this or cleanit up later!!!)

Dear M__,

Thank you for inviting me over for tea and conversation.   I really appreciate you giving your time and inviting me to help make cookies.  I’m out of practice, I think on a lot of things and probably not what you are assuming right off.  Yes, I’m out of practice on the ‘business opportunity’ stuff both talking about it and DOING it but that’s not what I’m referring to here.

When I was showing off to D___   the cookies we decorated and telling him that you and I got together for tea, he immediately asked,  “Is there anything she needs?   What can we help her with?”  and I felt a bit like an idiot because my answer was, “She needed our crock pot.”   and just why I felt like an idiot is that I know D__  had bigger issues in mind and wishes to help and I don’t really feel I got that kind of answer to his question.

I’m oblivious and likely as ill-mannered as the neighborhood children.   I should have helped you with the cookie cleanup or something!   I’m such a knucklehead.

But I see you as so CAPABLE.   Maybe you roll your eyes and not think that the best/sweetest compliment  but it IS full of admiration.   I think you and I are opposites.   You are a doer;  you’re bizzy-busy.   You do cool stuff!   You GET THINGS DONE.    In contrast, to quote John Candy in Uncle Buck, I’m “the dreamer, the sillyheart”;   I can sit and think and ponder and wonder and circle back to figure out what sparked this thought-spiral and where am I going with this and hey!  two hours have gone by.

OK, the point is, I appreciate you sharing your time with me yesterday and it may seem like not that much, but.   I do appreciate it.    Perhaps, I’m out of practice with knowing how to be a friend.   I am really good at long distance friendships but have maybe never quite figured out how to be a true friend of the physical-presence kind.    Somethings we think are obvious just aren’t sometimes.    I would love if you could teach me how to be a better friend.

Sincerely,

CuriousC

I made a peach pie and a pumpkin pie but the crazy-stupid thing is that I FORGOT to add the secret ingredient to my pumpkin pie and it just really bothers me.   I was so bummed that I couldn’t even find the will to make another!

So.    Such an attitude is inappropriate – I must skew and twist my thoughts back to the reason for the season ponderings…   Let’s do the alphabet!

A is for ATTITUDE because we do have the power of control on this powerful mental tool.

B is for BOUNTY.    We have so much.    So much, too much?

C is for COMPASSION.     I need to grow this in my heart.   I’ve got some but could use a bit more.

D is for DEAR HUSBAND.   He’s the very bestest awesomest.

E is for ESTHER, my new baby puppy.   She has won me over all the way.

F is for FUN.    We can always try to have a more fun-filled approach to everything.

G is for gravy.    DH is making today’s gravy with the turkey giblets.   Mmmmmmm.

H is for HEALTH.     Really, I pray all of you keep healthy throughout the coming year.   (go away this start of a cold I feel;  I said GO AWAY!    )

I is for IMAGINATION.    I love to be creative and the power of this I word is astonishing, at times.

J is for JOY.    Despite knowing a person named Joy that I tried to like but found it difficult, I still love this word.

K is for KINDNESS.    I love seeing kindness in others and in myself.  I need to practice this more.

L is for LOVE.    “The greatest of these is love.”

M is for Mom.   She and Dad are here to celebrate Thanksgiving and I’m grateful they are able and willing to make the trip.

N is for …    Well, I couldn’t think of anything for N!   what came to mind was napkins.   Am I really thankful for napkins?!   So I asked DH what word that stars with N is he grateful for and he says ‘Non-union work shops’.

O is for Oscar.   Big brother to Esther.   He’s still my baby.

P is for Parsley.   I have bunches of bunches growing in my garden and it puts a smile on my face!

Q is for Anna Quindlen.   I want to read more of her books.

R is for RESPECT.      and the Blues Brothers for putting that song in their movie.

S is for Green SPINELL – a gem that my DH gave me for my 22nd wedding anniversary.    He is such a sweetie!

T is for TRAINS.    I hope to take a train to NYC to go to the Pinstripe Football Bowl!   Maybe…

U is for UNDERSTANDING?   Sure, let’s go for that.

V is for VERISIMILITUDE because I think it is the coolest word!

W is for  WEALTH.    Practicing the art of the power of positive thinking and Laws of Attraction here.

X is for xylaphone.   Really, I guess I could be happy about XRAYs, too but I’m not really thankful for TSA etc…

Y is for YELLOW because it is a happy bright color.

Z is for ZEBRA.   I’m thankful for zebras.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

What?

Ever?

Just something to jot down and get the fingers moving over a typepad, over the KEYS.  We do still call them keys and not buttons, yes?

SO, today I met an interesting lady who had 4 or more books in her walker-basket.    Maybe I should say where I was…  I was at the nursing home that is not so much nursing as not-quite-independent living home.

I commented on my friend’s books, “Oh!  You like to read!  Any of these good?”  and she replied that she reads the first page and the last page and makes up stuff for the middle.

Aint that great?   I smiled at her with comradery joy and understanding.   “I can’t remember what I read anyway.”

And then later…   Another friend who always has a smile for me;  a smile of recognition for someone I am not but I don’t dissuade her.   She tells me that her brother keeps her holiday decorations for her and brings them when it is time.  She doesn’t have room to store her angels, her 2 foot tree.  But he does and he took it on himself to do that for her and help her find the spaces and places to decorate her room in style, with her own memorable stuff.   I thought that so sweet.  So simple, so sweet.

This is that lady that assumes I gave her a violet flowering plant and always asks me if I’ve seen the blooms.   And thanks me for giving it to her.     I don’t know who she thinks I am; I did not give her the plant.  But I complement the blossoms and the caregiver – she must be so wonderful to keep that flower going and blooming and living!   and she is.  Wonderful.

I’m getting weepy at the craziest songs.    I am also listening to a lot of sports radio talk.   HUH?  Anyway, when the commercials come on – always many many minutes of penis enlargement and sales tapes to improve business yappings, I switch to my Dixie Chick CD.     Remember that song Earl?      When Earl had to die, nah nah nah nah nah nah…  etc.     The first verse describes how Wanda files for divorce  and lets the law take it from there, but Earl ‘walks right through that restraining order and put her in intensive care’…   Then Wanda’s friend MaryAnn catches the red-eye from Atlanta and I burst into tears.

What a great friend.