Houstoncb’s Weblog

So i’m sittin here at the lounge at school and remembered i had one of these things.  I guess i should write something in it from time to time.  unfortunately im starting to grow up.  I do NOT like that.  I want to go back to highschool because now i know how easy life was then.  I miss it.  i would wake up and go to school and see my girlfriend and leave after the first class to tutor elementary school kids and then go to work until six and from there on i was free to do whatever i pleased.  i was makin money and lettin it just pile up in the bank.  But then i got accepted into college, which i am glad that i got accepted.  and now my routine is about the same but i dont get to see my girlfriend as much and i’m usually locked away in my room at my desk doing homework and when i’m done with that i ususaly just sit around, watch tv, or play guitar.  Since i don’t live on campus there isn’t much for me to do other than work or homework.  to be honest…  im slightly jealous of my girlfriend.  Ashley told her parents that she WAS going to stay on campus.  and that was that.  now she is and shes making new friends left and right and hanging out with them whenever she can.  shes so lucky and i hope she knows that.  when im at home my only and best friend, who is ashley, is in greensboro and about a half hour away and usually on school nights i cant come get her because i usually finish my homework around 10:30 and that would be pointless, although i have seriously thought about doing that sometimes.  i miss her a lot.  and since we are both stressed out over school stuff we snap at each other sometimes and tht makes me feel horrible.  she is the one person i go to to relax and talk stuff out with and have fun.  she is the one i go to….  i don’t want to fight with her ever.  and i wish she knew that she was the only friend i really have.  like i have other friends that i like to talk to and see but friends are set to a high standard with me and i want to be able to have full and complete trust with them and thats what i have with ashley.  So when i call to talk to her at night and i can tell she is having fun….  i honestly get a little jealous and tell her i’ll let her go cuz i can tell she is having fun….  and i want her to have fun, definitelly.  but once i get off the phone i hang up and i look around and im sitting in an empty room, with all my books open, done studying, and its just quiet.  and in all honesty… its kind of depressing.  now incase you didn’t know before reading this…my life is great and i love everybody in it and im fine,  this is just a place for me to vent about the little things that bother me.  but back to it….  today im turning in a paper that kinda sucks, and then going to take a test that im not prepared for (which i should be studying for right now but im kinda tired of it).  and after my test im going to get on the bus and get a ride back to my car where i will go back to Btown and the bank, cash my threee 20 dollar checks for some spending money when i go to nashville, and then come back to greensboro to go to some crappy oboe recital that i have to go to for music appreciation class.  then i get to find ashley and hang out with her and a couple of her friends (nice guys, they are my friends too, but remember that i set my standards high on friends and theres a lot they dont know about me and probobly never will).  Hopefully i get to take ashley back home to burlington for a while but idk how long she plans on staying with her friends.  I love my girlfriend so much and i dont know if she is going to read this or not but if she does i want you to know that i am fine and we are fine im just venting.  Last night she said that she felt like she had been blowing her friends off a lot lately..  and that made me feel kinda bad because i miss her and am constantly trying to find some time to spend time with her and when i do find the time it sometimes doesn’t work out because of either my schedual or hers.  but i really just can’t wait for christmas break.  im really hoping that i get like a week of the “good ole days”, where i have to call my parents and let them know what time ill be home because ill be watching tv in the basement of my gf’s house till 11:30 at night and we are both about to fall asleep right there, then drag myself back up her stairs into the freezing cold night and make it home in less than five minutes, where i will then call her up and let her know that i got home safe and that i love her….  alll the while she has been asleep since i left and wont remmebr any of it tomorow. 

my dad keeps telling me that this is the best it is ever going to be and makes it seem like things are going to get so much harder….  that is the worst news in the world….  because if thats true….  then remember when i said i was fine earlier?  well if thats true then i am no longer fine and can garuntee that i will not make it past 30 years old….  im 18, in the prime condition of mylife and i have high collesterol and my heart rate is higher than my 50 year old dads.  i live with depression and my mother is divorcing my once alchohalic now cheaating on her stepfather.  my family has been through so much in the last year my emotions and mentality have been warped from a teenager to an adult, i struggle to make good grades in school (because lets face it…  im not that good at school), I love God with all my heart but i constantly feel like i dont deserve it and i know that i dont but to a point u feel like you should just accept it and i dont feel like i should.  i miss highschool and how simple it was and im scared of the future and being on my own and providing for others when i can barely provide for myself right now.  THere is no way to run from this because i know my parents wouldn’t be able to give me an answer other than “fuck you! im tired too”. 

Im fine…  for reall.  just let me vent

say a prayer for me and my test today.

help me God

amen

there are things going through my head that i don’t know how to put down right now and/or ever. things have happened lately in my life that have broken me down as a person but at the same time built me back up to be better. I am so tired. just in general. i’ve been working really hard lately but that doesn’t matter. i did something to screw up and almost lose everything. but by the grace of God i didn’t. i came close, but luckily… very luckily. i didn’t. but now i over analyze everything. which may be good in some situations but i know its also bad in some things. At one point i felt like i had lost everything EXCEPT God. i think that was the point of it all. God has put my priorities straight. I now know what is wrong with me and what i need to fix also. i have to prove the new person that i am. But the person i need to show this the most to is going to be difficult because i know that i hurt them. They aren’t ever going to know how sorry i am but it is what it is. I AM going to show them that person. I will spend the rest of my life showing them and trying to show them. But lately i have been psyching myself out lately that maybe i can’t do it. maybe i screwed up that bad. but then the other side of my brain is like “what?! of course you can!” I can’t wait for it to finally dawn on the person that I love them more than they know and that i miss them more than they know too. I want to express these things to this person but i know how unhappy they are with and i feel like this isn’t a good time to try. I feel like they dont want to hear it. I am scared because i know they want me to feel bad (for good reasons) but i think they underestimate how bad i feel and in underestimating that im afraid they might try and do something to make me feel bad and they keep continue to try. I just do NOT know what to do and i’m afraid that its while im trying to figure it out this person that im talking about already knows and gets upset with me and thinks im not looking for it.

Basically… i dont know what the hell to do. Im doing the obvious thing right. I feel like its not enough. I NEED to do more. I WANT results. BUT i know i dont deserve any of these things and im in this complete mindset of contradiction. everything i think is good to do, i think it isn’t but at the same time i do. Its very confusing. haha. i just dont know.

but mostly i really want to stick this thought in this persons head….

I love you. i dont want to smother you with that. you deserve the best and im sorry that im not all the time. i wish i help them really understand but i dont think im capable of it. i cant wait to see you again.

I LOVE YOU ASHLEY MATKINS

im sittin here in the lounge at uncg all by myself.  and frankly…  it sucks because i really really really have to use the bathroom but they are cleaning it right now and i learned from the last time that i went in there to use it while they were cleaning that that wasn’t such a good idea.  a lot of the staff around this place isnt very nice.  i think that im supposed to be reading these pages that i printed off for my religions class but the reading is so boring and at the moment does not seem to apply to anything other than the fact that this one guy thinks that his way of thinking is better than another guy.  he didn’t argue the man while he was alive but rather when he was dead and couldnt argue back.  he waited to disprove any and all thoughts this guy had as soon as the guy couldnt come up with any more thoughts or an arguement against the guy who was arguing what he believed and came up with in the first place.  i don’t even know what they are argueing about.  if u can even argue with a dead guy. 

on another thought though i have had something else weighing on my mind for a little bit now.  last night i was talking to my oh so wonderful girlfriend who i love and respect more than i can express over skype.  she said that while she was at the gym with a couple of her girl friends that a guy walked by and her two girlfriends thought he was cute.  ashley then said that she wasnt going to look basically out of respect and knowing that i wouldn’t like her to do that.  she was completely right on that subject.  her friend that doesn’t know me asked ashleys friend that does know me if i was cute or not.  cute being another word for “does he look good?”.  she said yea but “he has ballooned out a bit”.  i have gained weight basically.  as if that was a big deal and a good way to paint a mental picture of the person that i am.  during the moment i was talking to ashley about this she acknowledged the fact that both had gained a little weight in the last year or so and im fine with that.  im personally happy with the way i look.  i thought.   after i got done talking to ashley on the internet i layed down in my bed after taking a long look at myself in the mirror and over analyzing every part of my body which for the moment i believed to be gross.  i’ve come to the conclusion that the entire “gaining wieght” issure was not the thing that bothered me.  i got sad/nervous/and a little depressed after this.  and ive been trying to figure out why it bothered me so much.  i think that its not that i am getting fat but rather when the thought of me came up in conversation, i was described as “ballooning” up.  i do my best to be a good person, make people laugh, and be there for people when they need me.   i thought i had been doing a good job and made vast improvements in myself during the last year or so and i still believe that i have.  but when the subject of houston (me) came up the only thing that was discussed was my wieght.  the ONLY thing!  i’ve never met this person they were talking to.  but the first impression that she now has of me is that i used to be skinny and that i am constantly gaining wieght and am therefor a fatass.  there is obviously so much more than that, but that person will more than likely never get to know that without thinking about my wieght.  But in my mind i know that i am blowing all of this way out of porportion.  this really isn’t that big a deal.  so what…. a person that might not ever meet me or that i may never meet has a thought about me from some other people.  how does that concern me?  yes it was about me but i can talk about a person who walks by and think about a flaw of theres and know that there is more to that person but im frankly uninterested(as the are uninterested in me) and me and that person part ways with never speaking or even acknowledging the thoughts that we just had.  is it because i got a upclose look at what really goes on that bothers me?  I sincerely am tired of school… i have been going all my life and just when i thought that i was out…  im back in and paying a butt load of money for it.  and working more and putting more stress on my body. 

On a happy note though…. at the end of class today im coming back here.  to the lounge.  where im gonna wait for ashley to text me and let me know i can come to her dorm where she is goin to get some stuff together and come back to burlington! ;-D  im not gonna have to drive a half hour to see her.  God keeps giving me glimpses of good times in order to ease me into the new life it seems like.  I thank hiim for that.  God has been giving my body peace lately and its so crazy and kool at the same time.  i asked for it but in the back of my head i never really expected to get it.  i prayed for a low stress week as this is my first week in college but i got it and i feel like i should be stressed out buy im not.   ive got all these things being asked of me and my mind is being stretched but somehow i have stayed oddly calm and relaxed about everything.  this makes me a little nervous because i know how stressed i can be and sometimes it feels good to give into anger and depression and just have a big old pitty party.  i really hope that i dont break and that this feeling of calmness and peace continues.

Dear God, I don’t understand anything.   I come up with conclusions but who is to say the conclusions i come up with are right.  only you can make that decision and the decisions i come up with are based of what has been taught to me.  i can’t help but ask myself what would you do?  and i have no idea.  Im not talking about any imperticular subject but just in general.  thank you for the peace you have granted me during this week.  its totally awesome and i hope and pray again that you continue to bless me with it.  please keep my mind strong and hard headed as i begin a journey into territory that is uncharted for me.  speak to me when my proffesors do and let my mind be able to decifer what is right and what is wrong.  give me good judgement even when i think that i do not need it.   Sometimes i feel like i ask a lot from God but its only because i know you can handle it with ease.  I give you all my problems and worries because there is no point on me dwelling on any of them.  i give them to you and i know u probobly just throw them in the trash because frankly they are dumb and earthly.  its just a matter of me letting go of them.  I love you God.  Thank you for my life as i know it.

In Your Name I Pray

Amen