Well the drama of the other day just sorta blew itself out. Or at least everybody seems to have calmed down. Now if they can just stay that way for a bit. Grandma has yet to decide if she wants to meet K, I think I’m OK with it whichever way she goes. I just hope K is too. I’m about as ready as I’ll ever be.
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Hope in abstract Weblog | Just another —- —- weblog
Hope in abstract Weblog
Just another —- —- weblog
*&$% hits the fan « Hope in abstract Weblog
•November 6, 2007 • Leave a CommentGetting closer
•November 5, 2007 • Leave a CommentI didn’t mean to sound the way I did in my last post, I was venting. I don’t hold anything against K or her family, I know none of this is easy for anyone involved. I guess the ball is back in my court, A needs me to send directions again, and through the grapevine I’ve been asked to call her. So I guess I’ll do that tonight. My biggest problem is that I want things to be a certain way, and yet don’t feel as if I have the right for things to be my way. Funny how I don’t argue with anyone else as much as I argue with myself. Maybe I’ll have a better handle on things after tonight, I can only hope.
Posted in adoption, adoption reunion, reunion
The countdown begins
•November 1, 2007 • Leave a Comment7 days to go. Still no word from K’s amom about the “expectations” of the visit. Want to know mine? I completely expect to be left out, questioned and discarded. I know that doesn’t seem to make sense but I think Hubby & I are at the bottom of the list. The least important part of the visit to her. As much as I don’t want to feel it, I’m kinda mad, mostly hurt, but kinda mad. Oh and let’s not forget the guilt, I feel guilty because I’m mad. How dare I feel this way, aren’t I getting what I want? I get to see my youngest, I get to see my 3 children all together, for the first time in almost 16 years the family will be whole. I should be happy, right? So could somebody please explain to me why I’m not. Why, when something I have spent so many nights imagining is now making me feel so bad? Yeah I could be wrong, K could care about meeting me & her father, but nothing in the last two years has given me that impression. From the day she found out she has 2 full siblings, I’ve felt like an afterthought. Don’t get me wrong, I want the kids to have a relationship, I really do. I just want my own too. Hell I’d settle for her being angry with me. It’s all the worse that K is still a child, I’m so afraid of doing & saying the wrong things, of causing her pain. I wonder does she ever think of mine?
Posted in adoption reunion, reunion
Tags: adoption, fear, pain
Some days I’m just not sure
•October 24, 2007 • Leave a CommentNot sure if I want to face the visit, not sure if I want to face any of my three children, not sure I want to see Hubby’s face when he sees K’s face for the first time, not sure what it is “I” want from all this, not sure if I’m strong enough. For any of it.
Hell I’m not even sure I believe in adoption anymore. I don’t know how K feels about it, even though I do believe her aparents love her & want whats best for her. Does she believe that? I really don’t have a clue. She wrote me a note one day, shortly before “the email” that damn near destroyed me. And no I didn’t & won’t tell her that. After 2 yrs of letters & emails & Myspace, she asked about the adoption for the first time. Not the expected “why”question. That answer has been floating around my brain for almost 16 yrs, nope I get asked about how I picked her parents. I know that seems like a innocent question and I’m sure most adoptees have it. I got me thinking, how little information I really had to make the decision. How much blind faith I had to put in the adoption system. And how much faith I put in my intuition.
It probably doesn’t help that when I read some other blogs written by other birthmoms or adoptees, the words are covered in pain. It seems like the more I look into adoption, the more I disagree with it. The more I realize that no matter what side of the coin you look at, there is a picture of pain.
Posted in adoption
So many thoughts
•October 24, 2007 • Leave a CommentWell not much going on. Still no contact from Amom about the visit. My email to K got a short response, but came with a feeling that she really didn’t want to talk to me. It’s hard to know if it is real or imaginged on my part. How can you know with an email? I keep going back & forth about wanting this visit. Some days I want to say no way, but I know I can’t do that. I’m worried about Hubby, I guess I never realized how much regret he has. I wish he would have expressed that more, back then. I’ve got to stop beating myself up over this. We both made the decision, it wasn’t just me.
J said to me the other day, ” no one asked me if it was ok to give my sister away”. Talk about things that hurt. Of course the fact that she was only 3 at the time makes no difference to her. I hate that this will sound bitchy, but I won’t apologize for not consulting a toddler about “life” decisions. Nor will I allow myself to add any more guilt to what I already feel.
*this post was started days ago
Posted in adoption, adoption reunion
Things I’m thinking about – very random
•October 9, 2007 • Leave a CommentThis weekend Hubby & I had our first talk about K’s visit. not really the first time we talked about but the first time we “really” talked about it. I now know just how scared of this he is. I think he’s afraid she won’t accept him, but he won’t use those words. I’m worried about him, the adoption was never easy for either of us, but at least I have a wonderful friend (she’s a BMom too) to talk about it with. I’m all Hubby has, and sometimes that doesn’t amount to much.
I find myself feeling so many conflicting emotions. I have even had moments when I wanted to cancel the visit. I won’t. I know that. K wants this, we’ll give it to her. I’m not sure she’s really old enough, but it’s not my place to decide that.
I am still working on the opening up part, I joined a group called Birthmom Buds. You’d think it would be easier to reach out to others in similar situations, but I’m struggling. I think a part of it is the fact that K was not our first child. I am kinda jealous of the Bmoms that can say “I was too young to take care of you.” It just seems like everyone just accepts that explanation. Maybe thats only in my head, IDK. I’m trying to get over the feeling that I need to explain each and every detail surrounding the adoption, in order to say anything at all. What causes this need to explain? Why do I feel I need to when it’s really the last hting I want to do?
Posted in adoption reunion
Tags: , adoption, family, reunion
I am a firstmother…
•October 5, 2007 • Leave a CommentThat statement is still one of the most difficult to say out-loud. Truth is I’ve spent the last 15+ yrs of my life trying to keep it locked inside. I don’t like to tell people about it, I don’t like having to answer the questions. I don’t like the way people that have known me for years suddenly act like we’ve never met. So I do what I do best AVOID. Yup, lots of practice with that.
So here goes, for me, it’s time. Time to stop hiding, time to stop lying, time to stop worrying if my friends won’t understand. It’s time to come to terms with what’s going on inside. This blog is for me, someplace I can let those things out. Maybe it will help, maybe it won’t. Either way, it won’t be locked inside anymore.
Why now? Well that answer is the simplest yet, I don’t have a choice. Ever since I got that email it’s all I can think about. Short & sweet that email has already changed my life.
Let me back up just a bit, so maybe there will be some sense of order here..or so I hope.
My daughter, (I’ll call her K) was placed at birth, in what would be considered a semi-open adoption. Pictures, letters etc. At the time, it was what I wanted, problem was it was more than I could handle. It tore me to shreds to see pictures of her smiling, or to read about her first words. I didn’t hold up my end of the deal, I dropped contact shortly after her first birthday. I moved out of state & left no information with the agency. Fast forward about 7 yrs, and I went back to visit family. Stronger now I thought I’d get back in touch. Went to the agency (which had moved) only to be told K’s family had dropped contact too. Now by this time I actually expected that, but left all my info anyway jik. Not long after than I found out the agency closed.
Life went on as it always seems to do, but by now (another 7 or so yrs) I’ve learned my way around internet searches. To this day I don’t know why but in went K’s AMom’s first name & profession. Two words, that’s really all I had as far as ID, I didn’t even know what state they were in. One of the first things to pop up..a picture of AM, looking exactly as I remembered, as if time stood still. In disbelief I followed the link, the site took me to AM’s site, with enough info, I was pretty sure it was who I was looking for.
I debated with myself for a while, before sending an email, explaining who I was, & that I only wanted to get back in contact again. I did it on impulse, never thought it through beyond getting a new update & maybe some pictures. Just to get back in touch.
To my surprise they were very open to reconnect, maybe even more open than I am. That initial contact took place almost 2 yrs ago. AM & I exchanged a few more emails, then I got shocked again. I sent an email to AM and got an email from K. Boy I wasn’t expecting that.
Fastforward to just a couple weeks ago, the email that still has me spinning.
K wants to meet, she and her Mother are coming to here in just a month. Once again I didn’t really think things through. I think a part of me felt that if I said I wasn’t ready I’d lose my chance forever, or even worse, hurt this child I love so deeply. So I said yes, before I realized that maybe I am biting off more than I can chew.
Ok enough for today, I’ll have to finish this thought another time.
Posted in adoption
Tags: , adoption, family, firstfamily, reunion, thoughts
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