Im really the wrong one to dissect this panel as Ive never been married either nor proposed to anyone. But my god, Im PRETTY sure it never goes like this. We’re still in mid-proposal, Beth still hasnt said yes or no despite having all weekend to mull it over, (plus another wild Bears game sandwiched in) and Gil is spewing nonsense we’ve never heard. If I was married, I certainly wouldnt describe the lifestyle like Gil says. Its a lifetime commitment thats radically different then being single like Ive been all my life. And Gildo is already violating the marriage vows as we speak. Last I checked Mimi is still above ground.

‘ITS NOT BAD’ is a phrase that would describe a fair plate of spaghetti. I would be speechless too if I just got proposed to and this is what I got.

Furthermore, most people that get that question havent been married either, so Beths words make no sense. Of course we know all this but its my job to dissect this train wreck. I would also think the kids would have been discussed at length before this moment so we dont have all this last minute thinking about all these issues. Hey Gil – the kids love Mimi too. Doofus.

Beth – ‘Are you sure?’ Ha. Gil isnt sure about anything for more then a few minutes. Why does he have to TELL Beth he’s been married before?? Even if she wasnt listening in on Mimis convo with Roxy, by now she has to be aware that Gil is shooting for his second marriage, and the first one is fizzing out like a bad firework.

Please say yes?? No Gil, Beth isnt gonna say Yes just because you tell her to. She will make you wait until at least tomorrow, or maybe next year if we’re lucky.

Please say No.

“Gil! Gil Thorp! Gilpa! The Gilmeister! The Thorpinator! Goin’ to the heart of Africa to bring back a boulder for Bethany! Gilghis Khan! Makin’ an honest woman of the barmaid! Kaiser Gilhelm! Buyin’ the cow when he’s gettin’ the milk for free!” – Richard “The Richmeister” Laymer, if he was in today’s strip

So that’s where the candy bar and vape money went. Holy crap is that a huge rock or what? That thing must be visible from the International Space Station. Thank goodness the last panel brings us down to earth; the second one must have been drawn from the perspective of one of Gil’s knuckles.

Beth looks more than thrilled at the prospect, so I’m guessing this isn’t much of a cliffhanger. Looks like we’ll be getting wedding plans and prep worked into the storylines, leaving even less room for sports. Here’s hoping we won’t get another Thorplet dropped into the cast in nine months. The last thing this strip needs is a Cousin Oliver.

Bizarre Cameos Dept.: The part of Gil is being played by New Hampshire’s Old Man of the Mountain, or at least it would be if it still existed. The part of Bethany is being played by the late Ace Frehley, at least in panel 2.

Nothing like someone living off their high school glory days decades after the last bell has rung. Good thing Beth found this living-in-the-past, non-loyal, uncaring, lazy as sin, dumber then he’ll ever know, fake romantic, piece of you-know-what to cling to until one of them gets tired of the other and moves on, which is inevitable. Then the only sweets they’ll know is Hershey bars and M&M’s.

Gee, every couch I ever saw has cushions to make it comfortable. Not at Casa Thorp, where Peanut is forced to sit on the bare skeleton of the couch and feel like she’s 10 more pounds from ripping right through onto the floor. Guess Thorp had to buy the couch on sale and skipped the basic comforts. Maybe Milford really is a bargain basement salary wise, thats why Mimi skipped town for the more lucrative VT. Isnt she a little old for those little toys on the table?

Hard to believe Jamie is wearing that hat in the house after all the fun is over. What ever hes playing with looks a bit like a Rubiks Cube. And man, his fingers are long. Must be Gils genes.

Gang, I’m cutting it short today because of the wonderful season of Christmas. For me, it’s a great opportunity to remember the birth of our Savior, The Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is Lord of my life, that simple. I invite you to make Him your Lord too. Let Jesus take charge of your life. Sure, He wants you to accept Him as Savior. However, He also wants to drive the car. You get in the backseat. I’ll confess, I’m like many humans, we like to tell people how to drive when we are in the backseat. I’ve personally done that with Jesus. After all, WE like control of the steering wheel. That said, I can honestly say when I relinquished the steering wheel to Him, things worked out. Again, I invite you to do the same.

But whomever you serve, serve your God well and to the best of your ability. Or come worship mine.

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I’ll concede the picture is pretty decent. It’s the Holidays, I’ll be generous and merciful anyway.

I think the WOOF! addition is a bit humorous and any VideoHound fans will get the joke. VideoHound, Leonard Maltin, and Siskel & Ebert have been the primary movie review publications for eons, all very enjoyable to read. I love it whenever VideoHound tears into a forgettable BAD movie. He simply ends his own scatological comments with a WOOF! Well, some would rate Gil’s performance with Beth at bedtime or Wanda’s choice of two-piece bikinis when dancing to Paul McCartney’s “A Wonderful Christmas Time” whenever the Peach Cobbler Special at Nick’s Diner is up and running a WOOF! Still, the dog is a nice addition.

Leave it to Jami to taint the Hallmark Moment. Correct me if I’m wrong but is Jami contracting Permanent Epileptic Spasms???? The tongue will hang out like that ad infinitum???? It must be living Hell to munch on a 12-pak of Dunkin’ Donuts of long johns. Moreover, give it up, Jami. A WILD AND CRAZY GUY you ain’t. Many times, you’re wild OR crazy, therefore stick to D & D.

WHAT is that figurine on the far right???? Someone in the art room was indecisive over whether to concoct a Santa or Joseph. I know, I know, the dude is wearing a Santa hat but then WHAT is that stick in his hand???? A meter stick???? We’re going to receive a quickie lesson on how to convert to inches???? HO!!! HO!!! HO!!!, no, kiddies, Rudolph’s nose is not 39.37 inches!!! Just assume it’s Joseph’s staff and buy a conversion chart and stick it in one of the stockings.

Continuing the Special Christmas Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, what are those red 2 x 4’s in the back corner???? To be used by Jerry Lawler in a Rhode Island Death Match on Special Edition Milford Championship Wrestling???? Loser hands over all the Christmas toys at his respective household???? Part of the stage that will be built later at Nick’s Diner to present the renewal of vows of Rex and June???? Wanda go trip the light fantastic in a one-piece on “Baby Elephant Walk”???? Truck Tyler to announce that the DNA results had a glitch and he and Cody Lawson orate a eulogy about Spuds Morton????

But again, it’s Christmas. I’ll let slide Beth’s That Girl image.

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Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer Christmas Tribute

“Coach Thorp Not To Give Up, Vows To Rectify His Son’s State Of Health!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“I went to Lowe’s and purchased a couple of steel bands. Guaranteed to restrain the tongue in the upper palette or my money is refunded as long as I bring the receipt.”

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“…and I WILL place the star on the Christmas tree-“

“WRONG AGAIN!!! You will be an elf at the Christmas party and if you don’t like it, YOU’RE FIRED!!!…”

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Merry Christmas!!!!!!! May Jesus Christ be with you and your family today and all year long. God bless you all.

Speaking of more thrilling than chartered accounting, I’m having a blast ensconced in this lesbian-a-thon. I guess the situation is not well on the home front between Emily and Ericka. Darn the luck. So, Rox enters the picture. Now because I can’t imagine it’s Roxahoma Elaine Gambelcuppy, no way it could be Darlene Roxfartnix Plimsollbuckmaster, I’m going out on a limb and aver that it is indeed, Roxanne. Still up in the air on whether Perry Como or The Police crooned “Roxanne” or if Como collaborated with the group from Newcastle (Sting, anyway) on “Regatta de Blanc” but I’ll sort that out another time.

I will concede that it is Barney’s and to just chalk it up to lack of apostrophe training in 7th grade English in P1. The party also appears to be well under way, judging by the window activity. Fred Astaire might not appear to be a part of the dancing scene, unless he’s cha-cha’ing with Jack Benny to “Tea for Two” with Gracie getting it on with Rosemary Clooney. Some Shiny Blobby People are cuttin’ the tiled floor to “The Horse”. The party never stops at BarneyPub.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Frankie To Engineer Co-Singing Duties With The Police On “Ghost In The Machine’ Reissue!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Ol’ Blue Eyes is also attempting to shore up his image with the younger generation by delivering ‘Every Little Thing She Does is Magic’ in a medley with ‘Witchcraft’ at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater, The Police roaring their heartfelt approval.”

REX ALERT!!!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!!

Hey Hey Hey, as Fat Albert used to say, now Dionne is getting her two bits worth in today about Christmas. She is taking a holiday from her position as Lead Lickerupper To Summer Knight at Glenwood General to reflect on the Yuletide season. Jordan, her husband (for argument’s sake), is performing his role as Lickerupp-, scratch that, I meant to avow, supportive spouse, in Dionne’s endeavors to maintain Summer’s boots well-lapped. Jordan proves beyond any reasonable doubt that the family that licks as a unit will adhere as a unit. This is a good pithy maxim to abide by when eventually heading over to relatives for the Holidays. Don’t get caught in traffic misusing this proviso by licking the radials when they are short of air. Use a tire jack and a spare.

Speaking of spare parts or tires, how did that rendition turn out when Wanda was on stage, a stage constructed beside Nick’s juke box, dancing in a two-piece bikini to the song “Walk, Don’t Run” by The Ventures???? I understand it was a combo of the Fantasia hippos and the ‘Hawaii Five-O Theme Song”. Wow, book ’em, Truck. Well, we might not get Rex for another few days; thank God Wanda is around parading the merchandise, just like a 1925 Woolworth’s department store, both at its peak but declined when the latest trend and/or Mother Nature deflated the progress. Ah well, the Nick’s Meat Loaf wasn’t runny this time. Good thing Nick’s chefs used real tomato sauce this time, not the V-8 when the chefs were desperate for substitutes.

And The Bratty Bunch isn’t around!!!!! They might show up tomorrow for Christmas, but you only get kissed once under the mistletoe by Heehaw if you play your cards right at Rex’s and June’s. Go find a place to play Uno until Rex bothers to appear out of nowhere from his appearance at Lou’s Nite Spot with Cheap Trick and Mud Mountain Murphy to carve the Black Forest ham. That way you only inhale Heehaw’s Ensure breath once, the rest of the time is yours to divvy the Waldorf salad with the siblings. Then let Rex go wandering off to Lou’s where he will perform “I Want You to Want Me” on his song flute with the rest of the band with ol’ Mud doing the honors on guitar solo. As long as Rex is going to wussy out on his comic strip obligations, let’s kick back and savor the moment when Mud and Rex serenade the Lou’s crowd with “Ghost Town”. Now don’t reduce Cheap Trick to studio musicians, Rex. You wouldn’t want to be called a studio surgeon. and the grand finale, Mud’s unplugged version of “Them Muddy Boots”. We can always hand Bun E. Carlos a tambourine.

As for Wanda, let it all hang out because it is anyway. Truck can speak from experience.

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We’re very unclear about Roxanne’s presence in this strip we reluctantly designate Gil Thorp. I think many readers like me thought that Roxanne was Ericka, i.e., perhaps professing her middle name, say, Ericka Roxanne Plunkerstink. As it turns out, well, Perry Como neither wrote nor sang “Ooo Child” by paying off The Five Stairsteps to recover his stock at Branson, Missouri, let alone be the sound man for “Roxanne”. The Police managed to procure their own staff, thank you. Perry would have to hire his own toilet repair team at Branson.

We know now that Roxanne is no more Ericka than Beth Ann With The Shaky Hand With Shot Glasses Because She Rinses With Cascade. The next question is, who IS Roxanne???? Some Chartered Accountant for Mudlark Lake Park Ranger Office???? Did she enter by the back door because Thorpiverse was running out of ideas and it wanted to wait until she could prove she could stick and hold her liquor too???? Does she bed down with Beth when Emily rejects her advances and Gil is too exhausted to lift the toilet seat to pee???? I realize we need plot fillers but let’s not hurl a raw baked potato when the stew was brewing in the crockpot. Be careful when you’re toasting to a so-called friend who subsequently hands you a toilet brush at Perry’s Place. Sing “Roxanne” to your own beat, Emily, if you don’t want to mop up the beer stains at Beth’s or Perry’s for minimum wage.

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“We’ll return to see if Rox takes up Ericka’s dare to slurp from the same straw on a Bucket Choco-Loco Shake after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

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“I know I wouldn’t be drinking out of Luke Lunkhead’s shot glasses if he’d have been sipping on a Tequila Cinnamon Surprise. We’re buddies but I’ll drink Jack Daniels from my own Thermos bottle.

But enough about Beth using Dawn Dishwashing Soap to clean the rest of the PBR residue. Hello, this is yours truly on behalf of my pride and joy, Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And I have called my lawyer team to address these baseless allegations by Tennessee Pride who claim that our pork products are not wild caught. In fact, the way they tell it, about the only food product wild caught is our pancakes. Yeah buddy, Tennessee Pride. Can you substantiate any modicum of truth that our huntsmen take their shotguns to Milford FWA in order to inflict target practice on Aunt Jemima???? Yeah, Tennessee Pride, go back to the drawing board to conjure up other fantasies.

I assure you, the customer, that when we’re not sending our porcine friends to Nirvana at the Milford Municipal Slaughterhouse, we are hunting them down at the Milford Wild Pig Sanctuary. Even then, we wait until the Ranger shuts the gate after the last tourist has departed before our outdoorsmen commence firing. Bet your bottom dollar that’s how we secure the finest in products such as Gil Thorp Wild Caught Reduced Ammo Shells Italian Sausage. Go on, Tennessee Pride. Come see how we snagged a few, shipped them on the Freightliner, and sent the wild ones up the line at the slaughterhouse to be euthanized. Where do you think we won them, at a day care center???? Head to Romper Room and get your own wild caught sausage.

But Tennessee Pride couldn’t stop there, nosiree. Faced with their hands in the pancake syrup dispenser, they claimed that our buyers snuck pork ingredients, i.e., the hogs, on the transport under the driveshaft when the buyers were obtaining grain for our pancakes and biscuits at Milford Grain Storehouse, Inc. Tennessee Pride, no way did a grainery employee dart out back to forklift potential sausage links from out under a hollyhock plant. No customer will EVER consume Gil Thorp Hot ‘n’ Sticky Phosphate-Free Sage Sausage that originated from the grainery purification pool. We don’t hunt pigs on reservoirs, Tennessee Pride. And we didn’t manufacture Gil Thorp Sausage Buttermilk Biscuits from a buttercup specimen. We hunt for meat, not rose bushes.

Do you think we were ever out of the woods on this slander in paradise???? Does Tennessee Pride sell doughnuts wild caught???? Not content with plugging their tail between their legs and covering up their own scandal at the Milford Ostrich Hatchery, They actually argued that our products are wild caught all right but engineered under the table at a secret wild boar haven in the country of Gabon. Oh COME ON!!!!!!!! You might as well continue by saying that there’s a port nearby where an ocean liner stashes the dead wart hogs in the luggage area. I wouldn’t sink my teeth into Gil Thorp Wild ‘n’ Nasty Caught Pure Pork Sausage if I was made aware that the deceased was reposing on a Samsonite. Trust me, I won’t indulge in Gil Thorp Wild Caught French Toast if it has to undergo a baggage check.

Folks, where I come from, there’s lies, damned lies, and Tennessee Pride. Come find out the truth today by purchasing a package of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And if you buy a package before the end of the year, you will receive a free autographed portrait of me and my family posing in front of a group of wild caught hogs before they meet the great Porky Pig in the Heavens. Good eating and a fresh picture in a matte finish from Milford Fotomat, man, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Devour Yule today and love it to death.”

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I don’t care what you say, Frankie never sang a note off of “The Joshua Tree”. You might as well say that Gil Thorp Wild Caught Pure Pork Sausage was imported from Antarctica. Get your facts realigned, Gang.

And Happy Holidays to you all. Love you all.

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HELLO THERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

HELLO THERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

ARE YOU READY TO ROCK

ARE YOU-

“Rex!!!!!!!!!! Come to bed!!!!!!!! And take that beanie cap off your head!!!!!!!! Rick Nielsen you’re not.”