Feelthebeauty

We keep looking for meaning. We try with giving ourselves everything we want. We want delicious food, we give it to ourselves, we want to travel we work hard to have money to be able to travel, we see what others are doing and saying and think, maybe is there, or there, maybe if I get that I will reach to it. And it keeps disappointing us. Because we do not start well from the beginning. We look how to give everything to ourselves. It’s all about us, us, us, us. I lately feel a bit lost. I do not understand where doe I head and why. Why do I do what I do, why do I want what I want, do I really want that. Is confusing and scary. We are being left with no guidance and they tell us go do it. But do what and why. Why do we do what we do? It seems meaningless when we struggle for things, we suffer for them. What is the right way to live life? How long does it take to find out? Or what does it take to find out? Is it in being a good human being, is it in accepting things around us, is it in being present, is it in loving God, what is it? I would love to know. We all would like to know. Is scary to live like this. I so much want to be told. It’s funny, and it does not surprise me. I always want to have control about everything and life is made in such a way that it keeps me with no control whatsoever or with very little control. That’s why I am so hopeless, because there is one thing that I totally have no control over, is where life takes us, what happens around, what should we do. I just don’t know and I can’t make a plan, I am scared. I know I should let go, but at leats now I cannot. Maybe there will be a moment when I will be able to. But now I cannot. I am too scared to let go. I want to know, I want to be able to control. But I know it would bring me more benefit and happiness to emerge into life. I know. One day, one day I will!

Not sure what are we doing. Chasing dreams that others told us we should have. And then we are disappointed when we don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s easy to find fault in the external circumstances. There will always be something we want to fix, we don’t like or it needs improvement. And it feels comfortable like this, if we have this we also have the illusion that once we fix that thing we will be happy. It is nice to live with this illusion. It gives us hope. Deep down we know the truth. We have heard it so many times. We know it. We just don’t want to admit, because if we admit then the work we need to do inside is huge and the illusion that by fixing the next external thing would make us happy fades away. And we don’t want it to fade away. We like the feeling of it.

But one day we will have to face ourselves. Will have to look into the eyes and see and admit that it’s time. It’s time to do a deep cleaning. It’s time to admit that no external circumstance will bring that feeling of happiness. It’s time to admit that it’s an ongoing process and to make us look inside.

Looking inside – it’s neither easy, nor pleasant. It’s better to focus on the others, to teach others how to live life, to convince my husband to quit smoking rather than minding my own life. It’s comfortable, it gives a feeling of superiority, a sweet taste of control (if not over our own lives, at least over the lives of others). How funny is this, thinking we have control over the lives of others.

I came today home with the feeling that I should take a sabbatical. And I don’t say it’s a bad thing to wish, but it comes from the wrong place. I think that my internal world needs an external fix. And this is wrong.

TO BE CONTINUED

We are always trying to be better. Is it a blessing or a curse? I am looking a bit nostalgic at my younger self and I am trying to see if I am objective. I romanticise my younger self. In my mind I used to be so full of life, so kind, compassionate, driven and I feel that with the years I became a bit less full of life, a bit less kind, a bit less compassionate and driven. This might be true but it also might be false. Might be a false idea of past me or a distortional idea of present me.

I feel that I am less compassionate towards myself, less kind to myself, and this reflects on the others. How we treat ourselves that’s how we treat others. How I talk to myself, that’s how I talk to others. How I judge myself that’s how I judge others.

So I look inside. What do I see. Who am I? Who I want to be? It doesn’t matter who I was. I can create my own character today. I can be whatever I want. I decide. How does my character looks like?

My character is a confident woman, in love with life, in love with culture, art, music, a woman that loves stories of people, a woman that deeply cares about others, a woman that reads a lot, that is curious, that always has a kind word to say, a woman that take care of her soul. My character is in the flow of life, she doesn’t need to force things, she does her best and trusts the process. She trusts God, she loves the life God created. My character is funny, clumsy and authentic. My character is passionate about life, she is in love with people, with stories, with helping others. She walks straight, she laughs loudly, she takes space, she is present, she is courageous, she takes risks, she stands out for what she believes in. She is open minded, inclusive, listens to what others want to say but is brave enough to follow her heart, her instinct and do what she knows is right. She loves her family, she loves adventures, she is a happy person, she is not scared of the challenges of life, she embraces those and she knows these are helping her become stronger, more loving, more accepting of herself and others.

In a world where we can be anything, we can build our character, we are free to become whatever we want. Every morning when we wake up we choose. How are we going to be today, how are we going to treat ourselves, how are we going to treat others. We are free, and with freedom comes responsibility. The responsibility to accept the life we are drawing, to embrace the consequences of the character we choose to be every day. What qualities are we feeding into our character? Warmth or rudeness, patience or aggressiveness, kindness or hate. The good thing is that we can choose every single day and we can build towards our best version.