When I was a child, my second grade teacher told my class-

“The world is your oyster.”

Ha! What a bunch of nonsense.

Of course she meant well, and was only doing as have teachers for generations: Perpetuating the ethnocentric notion the solar system revolves not around the sun, but Americans. Little did either of us know that some 20 years later I’d be a vegetarian. The point being, I won’t eat the Tournedos de Boeuf  at Le Relais, so I’m sure as shit not eating a wad of living, breathing snot that’s spent its entire life on the ocean floor bathing in toluene and mercury.

Speaking of 20 years ago.

One of the first classes I took at the University of Louisville was a writing course: Poetry. To this day, it remains one of my favorite, and most memorable.

The instructor, whose name I cannot recall at the moment, was a grad student. I do remember her telling us she made so little teaching she had to apply for food stamps. (I’m sure there’s a talking point somewhere in there). She reminded me of a young Mia Farrow. Petite. Cropped blonde hair. Wore those 60’s style mod dresses. The whole shebang. Damn, she was hot. Not a bad teacher in her own right either.

During the semester, we spent as much time at Magnolia Bar as we did in the classroom; ordering pitchers of nice German beer, reading poetry, and talking politics. Although I’m sure we believed ourselves avant garde, in hindsight, it was all so terribly cliché. I will say, however, in my defense, I never wore a beret or a mock turtleneck. Not even once.

Aside from the instructor, one of the more memorable people was Bob. Bob was quite the character. Fancied himself the reincarnation of e.e. cummings, which was ironic considering he also fancied himself the only “Real” poet in the class. In fact, Bob wrote several poems about how the rest of us were poseurs, and that he, and only he truly understood whatever the fuck it is he thinks he understood.

I guess in many respects, Bob was your typical 20 year old know nothing. But then again, not really. For example, Bob’s girlfriend, whom he often brought to class, was still in high school. And not in the “I’m about to graduate” kind of way. If I remember correctly, she just turned 17. And because Bob said they’d been dating for 3 years, that meant aside from being an arrogant tosspot and hack poet, Bob was also a statutory rapist (Oh, and he smoked. Marlboro Lights).

Ha! What a bunch of nonsense.

The only poem Bob wrote worthy of remembrance was one he wrote in response to me. You see, inadvertently I turned in a poem that upset the apple cart of what “Purists” consider “Poetry.” (I know, I can be a real cunt).

What was my crime? Well, I used a Thesaurus. And not in the, “I cannot for the life of me think of the word that’s right there on the tip of my tongue” kind of way. Nope. I used the Thesaurus as my inspiration.

It went like this-

I had a writing assignment due, and I was not having a great deal of luck.

Sure, lost/unrequited love is always a safe choice, but that’s been done a time or two. Right? So, I took out my trusty Thesaurus, opened to a random page, closed my eyes, pointed to a word, and used said word to write a line in my poem. I did this 20-25 times until I had a coherent, albeit surreal, poem. In other words, I made something out of nothing, which I thought, and still think, was extremely clever. I mean, let’s be honest, any tosser can write about a broken heart, but taking 25 unrelated random words and turning them into a poem?

No. That ain’t easy.

Carmen (That was her name!), although unsettled by my disregard for the convention, gave me an “A” because the truth was, and remains, the poem was damn good. Ah, but Bob. Bob was distraught. Offended. !OUTRAGED!
 

The crux of the biscuit is: If it entertains you, fine. Enjoy it.
If it doesn’t, then blow it out your ass. I do it to amuse myself.
Frank Zappa

A few weeks ago, I was cleaning out my closet, and I came across a box filled with old papers.

Quick digression-

While attending Hanover College (1992-1993), one of my closest friends was African (Actually, he’s still African), and he said to me one day (I’ll paraphrase as we were under the influence of some nice German beer at the time)-

You know the behavior that truly makes Americans such a strange species? It’s the fact that you’re the only animal on Earth actively engaged in collecting “Stuff.” You fill drawers, closets, rooms, garages with junk. You’re so obsessed with stuff you’re willing to pay a monthly fee for someone else to store it for you when you run out of space in your homes. I don’t think you understand how bizarre this behavior is to the rest of the world. In Africa, if an item doesn’t have a practical use, like a bowl for example, it’s garbage. Simple. Holding onto something because it has “Sentimental value” or because 25 years from now I may need it, makes no sense. We don’t have shelves for “knick-knacks” or “junk drawers.” You Americans are fucked in the head. (Around this same time, George Carlin did a bit on Americans and their “Stuff”).

Anyway.

As I’m going through my box of “Junk,” I happen to discover, of all things, Bob’s poem. Took me back. Not just to that class, but back to my early 20’s. A time, if I had time in a bottle, I’d love to re-visit. Alas. So, not being able to time travel (literally), I decided to do so (figuratively).

As I read the words, I imagined Bob’s smug face haloed by that cheesy white boy afro-

I

am a poet.

you.

<write>

with dictionary in

hand.

Ha! What a bunch of nonsense.

In the end, the joke was on Bob because as he read each sneering word, I was oblivious to the fact his poem was an intended jab at me. In fact, if not for my friend Jennifer, I’d remain oblivious to this very day.

“Why should I be upset?” I responded.

“Bob’s poem was about you. The ‘dictionary?’ Get it?”

“’Dictionary?’ What does that have to do with me?”

“You used a Thesaurus for your poem last week. Remember?”

“Yeah, I remember. A Thesaurus. Not a dictionary.”

“Are you fucking with me?” she asked exasperated

Truth be told, I wasn’t fucking with her, I’m just not a fan of poetry. At least, not a fan of reading poetry. I find it Opaque, and pretentious. As a result, I generally skim through unless I find a particularly interesting line or passage. Otherwise, ten minutes later, I don’t remember a bloody thing.

This was especially true with Bob. I’d read his poems, make some inane comment-

 “Great job!”

“Super duper!”

“Didn’t e.e. cummings write this poem in 1933?.”

 “Your girlfriend is a child, Bob. Does her father know you’re 24, and after four years in college, still an undeclared Sophomore?”

And move on with my day.

Ha! What a bunch of nonsense.

But now, some 20 years later, I find myself not only reading Bob’s dis, but responding. Although not as I, nor he, I’m sure, anticipated (If we were rappers, I imagine my street cred would have evaporated long ago. Thankfully, I never went into the Rap Game. Although, according to my second grade teacher, there’s no reason I couldn’t).

Strapped with a Gat when I’m walking through Compton.
Easy E

When I lived in St. Louis, I spent my days in the company of gangsters.

Not exactly what Republican mom imagined for her only son, I’m sure, but one of the risks you take when you tell your child he can do anything he wants is- He may actually try.

So, after spending two years in Florida working as a counselor with “At-Risk Youth,” (Did I mention I worked as a counselor? Yep, did that for about six years). I moved westward. And in short time, found myself in St. Louis playing spades with car thieves, drug dealers, and drive-by shooters, hoping beyond hope that, at age 27, I could teach a group of young, mostly black males from the inner city, something, anything, to keep them out of prison and alive.

Ha! What a bunch of nonsense.

(Fast forwarding to the end)-

Truth be told, it was they who taught me. I learned how to dis Crips (Crabs) and Bloods (Slobs). I learned guns were “Burners,” and that it’s not uncommon for crack addicts (“Cluckers”) to temporarily trade their cars for crack if they’re short on “Scrilla” (Cash).  It also wasn’t uncommon for a crackhead to awake from their stupor, find their car missing, and call the police to report it stolen.

 But mostly what I learned during that year and a half, is that the world, even in the Land of Milk and Honey, for too many people, is a place where surviving moment to moment is pretty much all one can hope.

One of the more unforgettable kids (among many) was Desmond -“Des Loc”. (Funny, I say “kid,” but by the time I met Des, he’d already, at 15, experienced too much). Desmond was a Rolling Sixties Crip (RSC) with a fairly extensive arrest record. In fact, it was Des’ penchant for getting arrested that brought him to our program. You see Desmond was caught riding in a stolen car. Apparently, a “Clucker,” who traded one of Des’ friends (A drug dealer and RSC) his car for some crack cocaine, called the police because Des’ friend kept the car for three days, instead of returning it after 12 hours as was initially agreed (You’d be surprised how “With it” crack addicts can be when it suits them). Of course, Des had nothing to do with it, and didn’t know the car belonged to someone else. He was just along for the ride. The problem was, Des had already been arrested on two other occasions for, you guessed it, being in a stolen car. I told him because of his bad luck with cars maybe he should consider walking or riding the bus. He laughed, shook his head, and said

“Mugs ain’t never right.”

 Translation- “Fuck you.”

When he was 9, Desmond’s father was sentenced to 20 years in prison. Whether it was gang related or not I’m not sure, as Des rarely spoke of his father. He did tell me he hadn’t visited his father in years because he didn’t like going to the prison. What I do know is, at least three of Des’ family members also belonged to the Rolling 60’s, so, there was definitely a familial connection to the street gang.

The only time I saw Desmond’s mother was the day he arrived from detention. She dropped off his clothes. After that, I only spoke to her three or four times during his 60 days in our program (Always on the phone). She seemed a nice woman, and was the only one I ever saw arouse fear in Desmond. She worked second shift at a factory (12 hours), and like most single parents did the best she could for her family. Unfortunately, working second shift meant she slept during the day. As a result, Des lived unsupervised. (“Bad Neighborhood” or not, idle teenage hands are the Devil’s playthings).

To compound matters, two years after his father was imprisoned, Desmond severely scalded the left side of his face, and shoulder pushing his youngest brother out from under a pot of boiling water he pulled down from the stove top. Again, Des offered little information, other than saying he spent several weeks in the hospital, and that he had several skin graft surgeries. I remember attempting to put a positive spin on his disfigurement, telling him how admirable his actions were, but I don’t think it registered. All Des knew was, his face and shoulder were badly scarred. And he was a teenager.

Gangsta or otherwise, kids are cruel.

Desmond got in a lot of fights.

I can make more than that in a day selling drugs. I know it won’t last, and that I’ll eventually end up dead or in prison. But I’m willing to take that risk because right now I can buy my little brother what he wants. And I can help my mom pay the bills. The truth is, I just don’t give a fuck.

The last conversation I ever had with Desmond was the day he was released from our program (After his second go round). Although I was no longer working in the drug program, I cleared my schedule, and volunteered to drive Des home. I’m not sure why, other than to say I liked Des, because at that point, I’d only seen Desmond a couple times in the last year. During his second stint, I was working in the Youth Psychiatric Department, and although I tried to visit, I could never find the time. Not that I think it would have made any difference. He was much harder then when we’d originally met. His face chiseled beyond his 16 years. And he didn’t seem to smile much anymore. His caseworker (who also knew Des from his first time through) said he was a completely different person. Or he’d simply dropped the act, and was letting us see the real Des. The Des who carried a gun, and sold drugs, and rode in stolen cars. The Des who learned to survive by “Hustling.”

I must admit, it was somewhat of a blow to my ego when I realized Des had more than likely gamed us his first time through the program. You see, despite growing up on different planets, I really believed Desmond and I connected. Just as in the real world, when you work as a counselor, there are always clients (People) you like better than others. And Des was one of my favorites. I used to joke with my girlfriend that if they’d let me, I’d adopt Desmond and send him to a private college far away from Rolling Sixties Crips and Tree Top Pirus. Des was smart, which was why I liked him. He had “Potential.”

Sounds crazy, right? A Gangster with Potential. But it’s true. They’re really, once you get passed the persona, just kids. Sure, some of them are sociopaths, but so are some of you.

Ha! What a bunch of nonsense.

On the way to his house Desmond asked if I’d stop at a gas station so he could buy some cigarettes. I agreed. And even offered to pay.

Newports.

Des and some of the other kids used to tease me because I smoked Newports.

 “Why you smoke Newports Mr. D? You should be smoking Marlboros”

 “Marlboros? Those nasty things. Fuck that. I told you. My mom smoked Kool Milds, and when I started smoking, I’d steal cigarettes from her. I got used to the menthol. Can’t stand Marlboros. Those are white people cigarettes.”

 They’d laugh, and tell me I was crazy.

So, here we were, Des and I, one of the most deadly tandems in Spades you’d ever want to meet (“We be Smashin’ Mugs”), sharing a last cigarette as if headed to an execution. The entire ride I tried to think of something. Something inspiring. I know, in hindsight, I was being ridiculous, but Desmond, more than most, had a chance, if only there was a way to spark him.

But my mind was blank.

Finally, I said something like-

“You could go to college, Des. That’s no shit. You’re smart. Naturally so. You need to get your ass of the ‘Bricks,’ and back into school. Get a job. You’re wasting time. Time you’ll never get back.”

He looked at me with disdain in his eye.

“Man, fuck that job shit. I had a job. I worked two weeks and they paid me $200. Fuck that, cuz. That’s some straight up bullshit.”

The rest of the ride we sat in silence. Des played with the radio, and in my head, I silently agreed with his assessment-

Jobs suck.

As we pulled up to his house, he almost had the door open before we’d stopped.

“Take it easy, Mr. D,” he said leaning against the door in the “Set” position.

“You, too, Des. Be careful out there. At least think about what I said. You know you can call us any time. Doesn’t matter if you’re in the program or not. We’d love to know how you’re doing. At least I know I would.”

“Cool. Well, later.”

“Later, Desmond.”

We shook hands. He got out. Closed the door. Ran to up the steps and into his house.

I never saw Desmond again.

“Kill or Be Killed” was what the scribbled tattoo on his forearm said.

This is the United States of America.

Talk about “Bullshit.”

There is no such thing as a dirty word. Nor is there a word so powerful,
that it’s going to send the listener to the lake of fire upon hearing it.
Frank Zappa

 I realize we’ve reached the point in the story where I’m supposed to fit all this nonsense together, and leave you, the reader, with a nice neat conclusion. Unfortunately, I cannot. Because that’s not how life works. And this is a story of my life. Or at least pieces of it. I’m working through it just as you are, and as of yet, I have no conclusion. Nor am I certain how these seemingly random events are linked. I just know they are.

 I can tell you I began this essay (If that’s what it is) in response to not only Bob, but to all the critics of the world. Those people who say “Don’t do that” or “Don’t do this” for no other reason than “That’s the way it’s supposed to be.” People who tell us we can’t use certain words or inform us with little frowny faces on our papers that we’re breaking the rules.

You know- Fascists.

 But that is hardly sufficient, and isn’t even remotely close. Sure, I’m oppositional. I’ll use a word just because I know it will make you uncomfortable. Hell, your world of convention makes me uncomfortable damn near every day. Won’t kill you to taste a little of your own. It’s good for you to read/hear/experience what makes you feel oogly inside. If nothing else, it builds character.

 However, again, that’s only a sliver of the truth. I’m not that superficial.

Well, not always.

 I guess Desmond’s story offers perspective in relation to the absurdity of Bob, and to some extent Carmen, fretting over what constitutes “Real” poetry. I mean, what a sanctimonious twat he was. But I don’t want to cheapen Desmond’s story by comparing him to a sanctimonious twat such as Bob. Desmond’s story is real, and whether we like it or not there are thousands of Desmonds out there.

It is both comical and tragic.

The wealthiest, most powerful nation in human history has “Gangsters” running its streets, slanging drugs, shooting each other, dying for no goddamn reason other than people are busy obsessing over Janet Jackson’s nipple or “Real” poetry because those things are more palatable. Right?

 Shooting ABC or CBS a nasty email takes five minutes. And more importantly, you can do it anonymously.

 Confronting poverty, gangs, violence?

 Shit, now you’re talking about a commitment. About “Putting in work,” as they say on the Bricks. Who has the time for that? “True Grit” is opening this weekend, and I already promised the wife and kids we’d go. John Wayne was a “Real” American, you know? Alcoholic, racist, misogynistic. A man’s man.

 Besides, poor people don’t have to live that way. They can always get a better job, and move. Right?

Whenever I think of Bob, and the other drive-by censors I’ve encountered in my life, I’m reminded of a Colonel Kurtz’s words from the final scene in Apocalypse Now–

We train young men to drop fire on people, but their commanders won’t allow them to write “fuck” on their airplanes because it’s obscene!

Ha! What a bunch of nonsense.

Ah, shit. You see, I’m getting on my soapbox. Feeling the righteousness. But I don’t want that either.

 Words matter. Without them civilization does not exist. Kingdoms are built on the backs of words. With words we convey love, anger, hatred, joy, and everything in between. Words have tremendous power. However, unto themselves, they are nothing more than characters on a page. They, by themselves, cannot topple civilization.

 But our indifference, and preoccupation with bullshit sure can.

 ************************************************************************

 The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin

When I was a child, my teacher told a group of eight and nine year old, almost exclusively white, privileged American girls and boys,

“The world is your oyster.”

I can only assume in her heart of hearts, she thought she was doing the “Right thing.” Or she had, at the very least, convinced herself that’s what she was doing. Either way, I know she meant well. She was merely trying to encourage us. What’s always bothered me about her declaration is, I can’t say, with any certainty, she wasn’t being deceitful. I mean, she had to know the notion anyone can do anything was/is Preposterous. Right? If not, she was/is (If she’s still amongst the living) a goddamn fool.

Of course, in the end, aren’t we all?

i am a poet.

i.

<write>

Come by. Say Hello. It’s Tuesday. What else are you gonna do?

If you haven’t stopped in to visit the new place, what the fuck are you waiting for, an invitation?

Thoughtcrime is death. Thoughtcrime does not entail death. Thoughtcrime IS death. I have committed even before setting pen to paper the essential crime that contains all others unto itself.

When Fascism comes to America they say it will come wrapped in a Flag waving a Cross.

I say-

Fuck that.

Wrap that bitch up tight in a Jimmy Hat (like a Dog).

Keep it from getting on anyone.

Christine O’Donnell has a Plan.

But it’s not Plan B.

In her world being Mastur of your own Destiny is a BIG No.No.No!

Can’t trust us with such details- Leave it to (Beaver) Me.
She says.

I know what’s best-

As Director of the Ministry of Love, she promises an Iron Fist in every Pussy.
Of course, She meant “Pot.”
Wink, wink, nod, nod.
You betcha.

On the way home don’t forget to pick up your very own *Action Figure*-Includes Authentic Sneer, and Power Sash for Ensnaring Naughty Thought Criminals

*Hands pre-removed for your Joyless Pleasure*

Christine O’Donnell whispers Sweet Nothings-

You do not exist.

Your kind is extinct.

You are outside history.

YOU ARE THE DEAD!

Promises Immaculate Conception for True Believers-

You must love him. It is not enough to obey. You must love him.

Christine is currently working on Extinguishing the Orgasm, but there’s only Ten more Minutes before this !Incredible! offer expires, and then it’s off to-

Rm. 101

Christine O’Donnell is a Reflection. A Natural Consequence. The Acme of History.

And Sarah Palin is Giddy about her Prospects.

Thinks she has enough Rats in the Bag to pull it off.

Promises America

We will meet in the Place where there is no Darkness.

Christine O’Donnell says Jesus, like a Big Brother, watches her every move (Yours, too), Witch is why she recommends lying completely still with hands at your side where he can see them.

He’ll nose out Unorthodoxy no matter how hard you try to conceal it.

Your worst enemy is your nervous system.

Once Lust is Tamed, all that remains is Compliance.

Freedom.

Monolithic Bliss-

A nation of warriors and fanatics, marching forward in perfect unity, all thinking the same thoughts and shouting the same slogans, perpetually working, fighting, triumphing, persecuting-three hundred million people all with the same face.

Do we ever really stop to Ponder?

What exactly is happening?

Where are we going?

In Christine O’Donnell’s future there is only time standing Forever Still-Birthed.

A Chasm of Contradiction-

For the first time he perceived that if you want to keep a secret you must also hide it from yourself.

When Fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in Lipstick, and High Heels waving to us on Fox News.

Everyone in Position-

Ready

Set

Snarl

Time for

<2MinutesHate>

“I don’t really understand it, but I like what they stand for…They just support everything I’m looking for — lower taxes, less government.”
(Terry Rushing, 63,  responding to a survey about the Tea Bags)

In Short, I must Report, as long as they Purport, to Support-

Who gives a Shit if ï Understand?

In  Mr. Rushing’s Defense, he’s not the only one nonplussed.

Seems most Tea Baguettes ain’t exactly Crystal Clear when it comes to explaining Exactly What the Fuck.

Hell, even in Agreement, the Tea Baaaaaa lack Clarity.

Take the so-called Specter of “Big Government.”

Help, Help!, Big Brother’s Comin’ tuh git muh.

Lions, Tigers, and Oddly Mustachioed Men, Oh My!!

Yepper, the Tea Bagged hates Big Ol’ Meanie Pants Government sumpin’ awful.

Shit, some are so Horrified, they’ve resorted to busting out the  poster board, and Crayola’s-

See?

Not only that, but to show their Pretty Much, Fairly Serious Commitment to “Learn English or Get Out,” they try really, really,  REALLY hard to use some of that there Book Learnin’ for Fancy Town Word Spellin’.

The problem (Aside from the seemingly Contradictory Literacy Message) is-

There seems to be a Smidge of Disagreement in regard to what Exactly  makes the Government Too Big, and what Exactly qualifies as Irresponsible/Out of Control Spending.

For example, a whole mess’uh Rea-Tarty members are in the Upper Echelon of the Age Scale.

Yesiree, Billy Fuckin’ Bob, they be A lot of Old Ass Mother Fuckers Sporting Solecistic Sign-ery whilst exposing Paper Skin to Scorching Sun.

All in the Name of Liberty.

(Take that You Statist Whipper Snappers!)

And what has these Concerned Not Too Distant Future Nursing Home Residents up in Flabby Arms?

Well, they Wants tuh Know-

When is Adolf Niggler going to get his Big Gummint, Slimy, Commie Colored Hands out of  Medicare, and Social Security, and into the pockets of those Lazy, Good for Nothing Trickster, Crack Smoking Swindler, Big Butt Having, Wide Nosed-Breathin’ All the White Man’s Air Negroes running around like they Own the Place?

*And don’t fergit them Mexicans, too*

See?

Well, it don’t take a Peregrine Falcon to peep out the Potential Difficulty these Fossilized,  Scraggy Scalawags create for the Pee Party.

Defending S.S. and Medicare  don’t exactly jibe with the Toe Tag’s Fundamental Libertarian Message (Which I now present to you Live and Uncensored)-

Yo, Fuck Your Momma!*

(*Double if she doesn’t own at least 10,000 shares in a Fortune 500).

In the Libertarian Mind (a Cosmic Contradiction if there ever was one), a Gummint Program is a Gummint Program is a Gummint…

You get the point.

The Point Being (Just in case)-

Social Muh-Curity, and Med-uh-care be Gummint Programs, and Gummint Programs Got’s tuh Go.

Besides, my Kid’s School needs that $$$ for a New Indoor Pool(Slash)Tennis Complex

Sorry, Nana, but Hit the Fucking Bricks. Ain’t my fault you’re on a Fixed Income.

You can see what a Dicey Situation this is for the Hee Farted crowd.

I mean-

When 50% of your “Anti-Government” Movement is comprised of Soylent Granny and the Medicaid Brigade, your “Anti-Government” Message seems a bit Disingenuous.

Just a bit.

The Message is even further Compromised when you take into account that the Majority of  Boz Skaggs (by their own admission), regardless of age, reside in Suburban or Rural Wreel ‘Merica where “Wealth Redistribution” is

Life Blood.

Sweet Bread.

The Fountain of Pay for my kid’s New Indoor Poor(Slash)Tennis Complex.

Hmmmmm.

(Oh, and the Racism ain’t helping much either).

I must admit, I be confused.

To the naked eye, it appears the Knee Scabs may actually Lub Sweet Pappy Government every bit as much as the Socialist, Liberal, Nazi, Monarchical, Nationalistic, Timocratic, Anarchist, Consociationalist, Theocratic,  Despotic, Corporatist, Plutocratic, Confederate, Kleptocratic, Commie, Magic Negro  Queer Lubber Livin’ up Yonder in the Brown House (Did I mention the Racism?).

See?

Speaking of the Racism.

Wow.

Where to begin?

The Flea Bags are Obsessed with Race.

Turn to Fux Newd (Bare of Talents) at any point in the day, and you’ll hear at least one Pasty White Tweedle Dee bleating on, and on about-

How

Some Black Chick “falsely” accused Some White Dude of being a Racist.

or

How

Some Black Chick discriminated against Some White Dude because he’s Some White Dude (Reverse Racism).

Holy Shit, Me. oh. My. The Tea Tarded get Hard over Reverse Racism.

Fucking Love It.

Which is Odd considering the fact that most of these Mouth Breathers are, as we discussed, Rural or Suburban Dwellers.

I’ll admit, I don’t go out there much, as I’m not a fan of Chain Restaurants, and/or Strip Malls, but I’ve seen Suburbia a time or two, and the place ain’t Exactly screaming “Racial Diversity.”

Dull.
Artificial.
Inauthentic.
Lame.
Plastic.
Fake.
Mundane.
Architecturally Redundant.
Forced.
Misleading.
Creepy.
Obese.

Okay, I’ll give you that much.

But

“Racially Diverse?”

Nah.

And Rural ‘Mericuh?

Undocumented Workers do not a Melting Pot make (and let us not forget that in Mixed Company, Meat Shaggers are Vehemently opposed to the Mexicanization of “Are” America)

See?

The point being, for people with Minimal Exposure to Minorities, Tea Bags sure Have More Than Their Fair Share of War Stories involving Reverse Racism.

Of all places to Perpetrate Their Evil Plan of Revere Raciamentalizationism, why Blacks chose the Burbs where they’re Outnumbered 100-1, I’ll never understand.

I can see the Memo now-

Tomorrow. P.F. Chang’s. One O’clock. Sharp.

Oh,Don’t Forget.

Wear Dockers.

Cool,

BLACK POWER!!

See?

Seems a Tad Unbelievable.

Just a Tad.

I’m 40, I grew up in a city, lived in cities in other states, traveled to other cities, interacted with numerous Minorities (Friends, Co-Workers, Clients, Acquaintances, Lovers) and not once did I ever experience any Reverse Racism.

Well, there was that one time in college when I worked for Papa John’s, and as I was a coming back to my car, after making a delivery, a black kid, around five years old, called me a “Honkey.”

Maybe Gwenn Dreck can track the kid down.

Probably grown, and all Black Panthery by now, Hellbent on Reverse Racisming everywhere he goes.

Don’t go back to Mexico. Stay Here! Live with Us.

You’re my friend, Whitey. Your Whiteness is what makes you beautiful.

I have Black Sheets, and they’re on…My Bed.

Kapow!

Take that Ku Klux Klan.

HA.

Reverse Racism.

Fucking Morons.

See?

To a Reasonable Person, such Contradictions, Inconsistencies, Apparent Dishonesty, Obvious Pandering, and Ironic Literacy Concerns should, at the very least, bring into question the Pee Hag’s Sincerity.

But alas-

this is Wingnuttia after all, and in Wingnuttia

Reason ain’t Exactly (?) a  Residential Requirement.

Truth is, tis a monumental mistake of Epicurean Proportions to think Dipshittery is in anyway a Deterrent to the Palindrones of the world.

See?

Makes perfect $Cents$



And the Summer of Our Discontent is fading into the Fall from a really High Building w/out a Mixed Metaphorical Paddle.

Fuck.

Figures.

~5493459043=.9

Glenn Beck is a Smug Cunt. Let’s get that out in the OPEN for the White Eyed and Bush-y tailed.

Cunt³

Tell him to his face, but Grifters only have Eyes for the Jaundiced. He ain’t interested in-

One…Two…Rat-a-TAT-TAT!

Speaking of Failing Livers-

Old people really suck.

Once you get to the point you no longer recognize you smell like Cat Litter, it’s time to Die or at the very least, Move out of the Goddamn Way.

Too late for “Restorations,” or “Refudiating Cackles of Rads.”

Not right for the Old to Decide for the Young-

Let us get on with Living.

I know.

I’m cruel.

Bullshit.

I’m merely cuing you to the Farce right there in front of your Fucking Whatever–

Although I seldom choose sides, this time I’ve made a Selection, and the Winner is-

the

Glock 19.

Because nothing says-

Welcome, Pair of Mormon dudes riding Mountain Bikes wearing white short sleeve shirts, long pants, and ties in 97° weather, better than Nineteen Full Metal Jacket Cap Peelers.

Sure, I’d love to Convert…

Seriously, Mormonism is Scientology with an even less believable Story Line. (Yeah, you heard me, Fuck L. Ron Ron).

Thetans or Lamanites?

Wow, tough choice.

I’ll get back to you after I self-Lobotomize.

God Almighty.

What are people to do these days?

Tosspots abound, War, Greed,  Reverse Racism, Art is being Murdered faster than the Rain Forests, AND there Ain’t Shit on TV except a couple Toffee Nosed Mardies queefing out dialogue obviously written by a Quasi-Retarded Wannabe Poof going through an Artificially Inseminated After School Specialized Tragedy.

What the fuck they Expect people to think, Feel, Say?

I’m here, to tell you-

But Exactly what

I haven’t the faintest Fucking Idea.

This is why Jesus invented Napalm.

I will remind you, Kindly Passengers, they’re Mocking more than MLK’s memory.

They’re eating away, as termites, the very foundation.

GOP the Party of Lincoln?

Champions of “States Rights” Murdered Lincoln FIRST!

Can’t have It Your Way.

Reason ain’t dead.

Yet.

Don’t think about too much though. No need to worry.

Instead-

Dance ’round like Hypnotized Chickens.

Or weep Controllably, and always with Goldline in Your

My baby’s so vain she is almost a Mirror.

Hanging on the Corner this morning-

Some dude wearing an Anaheim of Los Angeles California @ Fresno State Tech University of Southern Colorado Near (But not Too Near) the Border with Utah Angels cap gave me a Couple Golden Tablets.

Said-

“This Shit is Waaaay Better than that Last Shit, and that Last Shit was the Shit, and that Ain’t No Shit, brother.”

Latter Days, Saint!

Seriously, I’m not shittin’ you.

Anyway, I hope he wasn’t lying cuz’ I already Dropped’em, and once they’re Broken they cannot be Returned.

Course, you can always do a Re-Write

If for whatever reason, you forgot what your Seer Stone Said for You to Say They Said to the People You Previously Said They Said Something Different than What You’re Currently Saying.

<(Pssst. Don’t forget your “Hat”)>

Some of this is neither here nor there, but some of it is.

Looking through the Looking Glass-

The words I use mean exactly as I intend.

Exactly when I intend them.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

If you find them difficult, that is a problem with Process over which:

I have no Control.

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a Ham

But a Banana.

And now…Your Moment of Non-Sequiturial Zen-

In the non-news,  Chuck Norris’ vapid rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner” was thankfully interrupted by swarming butterflies hellbent on preventing Chuck from butchering our beloved anthem any further. In an interview moments after the his embarrassing exit stage left, Chuck blankly blamed the events on the fact that children no longer pray in public schools, and instead are taught the Atheist Philosophy of Evolution. “Obviously,” he went on, “if children were not being exposed to the teachings of Satan, Nature (An extension of God’s hand) would not be punishing mankind (Specifically 60 something year old men with orange skin, and hair pieces).”From there, Chuck meandered into a story about St. Peter riding a Triceratops to the peak of Mt. Sinai. According, to “Walker- No, seriously, someone get me a Walker,” the Triceratops, and St. Pete met up in the Garden of Eden, as Pete was there attempting to convince Eve apples are Passé, and that the wave of the future is Star Fruit. (Turns out St. Pete invested all his Bingo Winnings in a Star Fruit Orchard, Plantation, Bush, place where Star Fruit are grown).After what seemed like minutes, Chuck went silent, and stared into the camera sharing his vast emotional palette with America, and just as he was about to start up again-Smash, Crash, BANG! An anvil fell from the sky, crushing him to Peanut Butter. No word out of Salt Lake City as to whether or not today’s events are considered an act of God’s Divine Grace.

Fred Thompson (Son of Used Car Salesman) is an Obese Buffoon.  A Smug Pumpkin of a man. His Head Empty as Stupid, if Stupid were a Second Rate Actor with Age Spots, and Burgeoning Memory Loss.

Safe in his Sacrosanct Perch HIGH Up. On. Mount Twitter, Fred Thompson reigns down upon the World with Glib Humdingery, and a Turnip Truck Conservatism Hell-Spawned from his Geriatric Medicine Cabinet.

One can almost Hear the Insipid traveling Hyper-Speed across his Infinite Platitude Laden Incuriousness.

Ah, yes, Freddy Thompson. Good Old Fredward W. Thompson (I don’t think his middle initial is “W,” but it should be).

Freddy, Freddy, Freddy, Freddy, Freddy.

Is it ironic to Fill Empty Space with Empty Space?

No.

Fred Thompson- the 27th Incarnation of Ronnie “Ron” “Ronald” “Ronaldo” Raygun.

Christ, every Fucking Dipshit Wingnut in the Universe claims to be the “Second Coming.”

However, I must admit, Freddy Boy does have a case better than most (Let’s take a closer look)-

Shitty Actor (√)

Lazy (√√)

Cliché, and Clever in Lieu of any real Intellectual Depth (√)

Memory Problems (Huh? No, we don’t want any insurance)

Claims to be a “Big Picture Kind of Dude” to deflect attention away from fact he has Poor Eyesight as well as Limited Intellectual Functioning (Pass the Jumbo Blocks)

Phony, Down Home “Common Sense” Appeal (Dern Tootin’)

Old as really, really, really, Very Old Dirt (√)

Enjoys cheese from Jars, and Cans (Cheeze-a-Licious)

“Tough Guy” image that’s more “Fantasy Football” than “Gridiron Warrior” (Gip, Gip, GOO-RAY!)

Giant, HUGE, Bulbous, Empty Head (tIn nach!)

Birdbrain wife (Cheep, Cheap, Chirp)

Lazy (Did I already say that? If not, dude is Fucking LAZY).

Fond of Buffet Style Restaurants where food tastes like Water (Waiter, Check, Please)

Umpffffffttt. ‘Scuse me.

Hmmm. As I said, he does make an interesting case.

But I’m not convinced. I mean, A Lot of people are Lazy Shit for Brains. That Doesn’t make them Presidential Material.

Well, even if it does, I’m not buying Sir Napsalot as the new demi-god of ->

Com-Serve-I-tism.

Not just yet.

I know. He is in possession of many of the Bone-A-Fides, but we’re talking about Ronald Reginald Sgt. York O’ Reilly Reagan here, not Newt Gingrich or some other Second Rate Cunt for Hire.

This is the Real Mc Coy, people.

The Mantle cannot be passed along without a Great Deal of  Deliberation. We’ll have to have a meeting, and then a Conference, and then another Meeting about the Conference, and then yet another Conference (Except this time a Teleconference), and, uh, we’ll need to Pray. Oh, Holy Fuck, will we ever need to Pray. Might even have to Fast For a Few hours. Self-Flagellation may be involved, as well. I mean, you never know with these kind of things.

And even after all that work, we still won’t be close to the Finnish. Not Remotely.  (Fuck, have you seen the “Quality of Life” Surveys?)

That’s it, but with more Lurch.
Perfect.

Look, America.

I know you yearn for a Savior, and nothing Screams “I’m Here” quite like a man 5-7 years away from Shady Acres Senior Citizen Recreational, and Residential Facility, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

We need to take a Deep Breath, count to 10 or 4 (depending on your personal preference and level of Brain Damage), Check Our Inventory, and have a Moment of Silence.

Okay.

Ready.

Everyone together now-

Breathe In…

Ommmmm

Or…a  product of Incest

Damn.

I am Utterly embarrassed, My Voyeuristic Lovelies.

After searching the depths of my Soul, Looking over the Data, and running a few Calculations, it seems I may owe Freddy McNappy Pants an apology.

It seems he Truly, Truly, Really (plus Sauce) is Re-Reanimated Ronnie “I Can’t Recall” Reagan.

I just hope he’s reading.

Oh, and that his Thyroid Medication hasn’t kicked in yet.

I stuck a six-inch gold blade in the head of a girl

I say this without a Hint of Arrogance:

I Spin Gold, like Rumpelstiltskin.

Whilst Mother Fuckers climb the ladder with-

“Facts have a well known Liberal Bias.”

Ugh.

Here’s a Little Known (But should be Well Known) Fact-

eh.

I’m stealing your First Born. And if you can’t keep up, I’ll get your Second, too!

Maybe that’s Sociopathic, but=

This is the State of the State at this Stage of the Game.

Not an Excuse, and even if it were, doesn’t make it any
Easier to Accept , I know.
But I’m not some Boot Licking Step n’ Fetch.

(Just don’t tell DoKKKTur Laura).

She: lyin through her teeth-Him: lyin on his back

This Part coming up is…Parody.

Here. And, Here. Oh, and Definitely-

Here.

Pure Satire, Baby.

Breath it in.

Enjoy the relief b/c-

Unfortunately.

I’m writing in Real Time from the real world, and that Blueberry Acid I dropped about 15 minutes ago? Starting to Kick In.

and

the canvas is melting, and I’m getting the Sense that all this Sense is starting to make Way too Much Sense for one with such Tender Sensibilities as yours truly.

Just think of me as Salvador Dali (If he weren’t such a Goddamn Fascist).

As of now, the world is on Hopi Time.

All at Once.

See, you want to move from Line to Line. Moment to Moment.

You wish to find your way between periods, and commas, and EXclamations, but this is a Painting-

Not Arithmetic.

Look around.

It’s not what I’m saying that matters, but what you think I’m saying. Because I’m bound to say any Fucking thing that pops into my demented mind as the only Filter I Have is Chock Full’a Holes.

Truth is, maybe neither of us are correct in our Assumptions about what’s going on here, at this moment-

Right…Here.

Shit, how am I supposed to know?

I’m just smart enough to get myself into Serious Fucking Trouble, but barely Enough to get myself Out.

Hands off this one, hands off she cried grinnin at me from hip to hip

I told you I spin Gold, Baby.

and as you well know, Gold is more often than not=

Gaudy. Excessive. Ostentatiously Ornamented. Tacky. Over the Top.

Well, here we go, bitches!

Up, and Up, and Up, and…

Okay. It’s an acquired taste.

I can write differently if you, please-

For example

Sarah Palin wants you Dead, but not until you $$$$ Up.

Straight Enough, for

You?

Most people opposed to Gay Marriage base their opposition on the Fact that they find Gay Sex-

“Gross.”

Simple Prejudice.

Following that Ayn Randian line of Reasoning- LetItBeKnown->

I find the whole “Au Naturale” Craze

“Gross.”

and as a Favor, I wondered-

Can we ban them from Getting Married?

If not

How about from Appearing in Public, which I’d actually Prefer.

If god wanted us to smell like Patchouli, and Onions, he wouldn’t have invented Water.

Sure, I’m the Elitist.

Hands off, pretty baby. Tough bone then so soft to slip

This is Chaos within Chaos placed in a Box of Absurd adorned with a Pretty Red Bow Hallucination (For Good Measure).

Or maybe Music.

De-Constructed-Devoid of Melody, Rhythm or Obvious Purpose.

A Maelstrom of Sonic Confusion.

Noise.

An orgasm without a Climax.

Sure. That’s probably about Right.

Then again.

Probably Wrong, to0.

Making sense out of nothing at all.

Shit,  I do that every Fucking Day.

I stuck a six inch gold blade in the head of a girl

Sharks fin slices, sugar-bed slices

that pretty red hair

I love you, Now me, I love you

Laughter, laughter

Oh baby, those skinny girls, they’re so quick to murder

Oooh yeah

Shake it, baby. Shake. C’mon. Shake it, baby.

Shake…

Find out at black magpie theory.

Dear Fred Thompson…