Eternally Hopeful

As it pertains to my financial situation, I can most relate to George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life”.  He comes to the conclusion that he is worth more dead versus alive.  That would be true for me.  I have life insurance that could zap all debt away, provide for my son with a fully paid off home, car, and likely even cover his college.  Is this the true value of a human?

To many, my value is just a financial statement and nothing more.  It can be experienced in many places, even within the walls of the church.  A single mom often is treated as a charity case, instead of an intelligent woman who has all capability of having an impact on the world.  There isn’t a person in the world that desires to be diminished to a case of charity needing help unable to be of help.  The fact of doing so diminishes worth.

I still recall a conversation at a previous church with one of the leaders.  I was sharing, and automatically the man came to many assumptions.  He offered suggestions of what occupations would be best fitting for me.  His suggestions were very insulting in consideration that none of the occupations required a degree or intelligence.  He had placed my worth as little, with the stereotype of “single mom”.  Reality, I made more money than him, yet he assumed my worth was less. He could not see beyond my circumstance to see any worth. I was a single mom and every stereotype that encompassed that title was not my reality.

Is worth defined by my circumstances or occupation?  Does it matter the size of my bank account, level of debt, or extent of income?  Is my balance statement significant?  What is most significant?

The answer to these questions is essential to make progress financially, or to even have the capability of maintaining a budget successfully.  If I do not believe in my need to budget, how successful will I be in accomplishing a budget and planning for my future?  Lack of belief will dictate the course, and not lead to a successful outcome.

The greatest desires that I have are going to guide my spending patterns regardless of what is outlined on paper.  My heart, emotions, and desires are going to drive the success.  Life is not easy. To persevere remaining steadfast in the decision, the belief must be known deep within the heart that this is actually the best plan for my life.  Absent deep commitment and belief, the plan will be left in frustration.

I have struggled with the idea of restrictions, a plan, and if this will be beneficial.  Earlier today, my eyes filled with tears at the idea of a potential budget.  The primary reason for this is my emotion.  For most of my singleness, I focused on being debt free.  My thought was to have a successful relationship with a man, I must be debt free.  For several years, I did not take vacations, attempted to spend little, and trusted God would make all things right. It felt like I gave up living, while I watched others live.  I could never find freedom.

After facing the financial strain of 2.5 years of legal battles, I gave up.  Life is too short not to live, experience, and enjoy living.  I decided I would take a vacation every year. I would be intentional visiting family. I would spend times with friends. I would live and enjoy life.  I used my tax return money for vacation, and sought friendships. I never felt more alive living versus trapped in punishment that I could not escape which seemed the reality of my life somehow as a single mom.

The escape brought relief.  As long as I could pay my bills, I no longer worried about the status of my financial well-being. Ignoring my financial condition and allowing my feelings to guide my decisions was also not a healthy plan. Though, it seemed to me that there wasn’t a plan that could really work.

The reality of planning a budget now causes me to ask myself, “Is this really what is best?” My biggest hurdle and concern is my relationship with my son. I have basically given him pretty much all that he needs. It is very difficult for me to say no to my son, though I also know that it is healthy to say no. He also needs to learn to budget especially before he goes to college. He needs to learn that instant gratification is not really what life is all about.

As his mom with only 1.5 years and he will be gone, I struggle. My biggest struggle is I do not desire to lose my son. I can easily cry at the thought. The greatest blessing of my life has been being his mom. Without Brandon with me, what worth is my life? It is difficult for me to see anything beyond being Brandon’s mom. I had dreams, hopes, and desires. At this juncture, I do not know God’s Will.

In the unknown of God’s Will, I desire to have every experience that I can with Brandon. As with most experiences, there is a cost. I have committed to not taking a vacation this year, but always ringing in my thoughts is my time is limited. It seems like Brandon will be gone soon, and now he desires to spend time with me. I did promise him that we would take a vacation in celebration of his high school graduation. I desire experiences now as well. Today, the most ridiculous thought came, “Tomorrow is guaranteed to no one.” That thought can be the most dangerous in financial planning. If tomorrow was not guaranteed, I would spend every moment enjoying life with Brandon regardless of cost. I would give him every experience that I could in the little time that existed left with him. None of us know our last day.

There is not anyone or anything in my life that I love more than Brandon. Yet, also, some have said that I sacrifice too much which is not healthy for either of us. In many ways, I try to make up for the brokenness which exists in our family. I cannot change our broken life. I can make it the best that it can be, while glorifying God in the process. Part of this is teaching Brandon the importance and value of money, which also takes my discipline and belief that this journey has value for both of us. May God be glorified in this journey, and strengthen us as we progress with the desire to honor Him in all that we do, and all that we spend.

I desire to commit to this journey, with the belief that God can and will be glorified. I trust in the process that God will strengthen my family, bless us with a long life, and guide our way on this path. 

“For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money. Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here I have made two talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’ But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’” (Matthew 25:14-30)