However, I noticed the guilt
I noticed the number of hours wasted with this momentary happiness
Because it doesn’t make me better
I already reached the epitome
And no matter how hard I tried to have another kind
Of happiness with it, is already useless
I already abused my addiction
To the point I am no longer excited
I can no longer feel the euphoria
But still I am in denial
I tried to squeeze it still
Still I am late
Still I am a loner
Still I am in debt
Sigh, what is the benefit of addiction
When it no longer let me escape in my reality.

Lately I have been thinking
If I continue to follow
The dim-light straight road
Or try the brighter curved road

Maybe because of the wariness
And the wishfulness of something new
A temporary bumpy road
Against the painstaking pitfalls
Of following the right direction

But in the end, as I look at it
On a bird’s eyeview
On the straight road
I can see a concrete destination
Against the unknown

Keep your mind at peace
Make your heart at ease
Rest your body
Pray for your soul’s clarity
And remember to look at your center

Remember your reason of living
The passion that is fulfilling
The love obtain from giving and receiving
And lifting them to God above all else
Because amidst the blurry vision along the sidelines
There is a clear motivation in your heart
And from there the beauty starts

I did

I did

And every setting of the sun

And each daybreak

I did

I did

I almost lost track

Counting them all

While watching people

Passing me by

I did

I did

I counted the times

Hoping for something

Genuine in the alley

Of midnight

So many times

Not to give up

Pursue

Persevere

Be determined

Use your strong will

Think of the end goals all the time
I think I have told you 

So many times

That in every bruise

In every wound

In every scar

Its time to get up

Push forward 

And look on what is infront of you
I think I have told you

So many times

Not to look backward

Falter and downward

Spiraling to the abyss

Of self pity and hopelessness

I think I did because I care

And wanted the best of you.

With the fluttering of the leaves

The cold night under the dark umbrella of the sky

I shuddered and look far away

I left my own tribe

I left my past for freedom

The struggling pain

The fear in my heart

The everyday whisper of unloved,

Rejection and abused

I left the life I had for so long

I can not foresee a future without

The everyday struggle I had

But I know I need to leave them behind

I know even with all the torments

The beating of the walls of my room

I know this is not my dwelling place

I do not belong anymore in this place

I can not fit myself in this life

I need to continue moving away

I need to look forward 

Even if my feet got wounded with the rocky road

Even if I bleed and be in more pain

I need to leave

I need to turn my back

If needed, I will jump on this cliff

And swim away

I can not be here anymore

I can not leave the remaining years of my life

In the darkness

In the howling of the wolves who want to devour me

In the dances of my tribesmen who only mock me

I need to run away

I need to stop thinking about going back

I need to believe that there is something better

Somewhere there are people who will accept me

Somewhere that if I reach my hand

There will be someone who will hold it and pull me up

Away from this place

Away from this nothingness

To the brighter place

To the fullness of life.

Of liking one of your friends

To the point that you are day dreaming

And his name is always on your lips?
The happiness when you both joke around

Or whispering to each other

Like there is a secret between you two

You might already have an eye language
Then there are light skinships

A tap on the shoulder

Or your arms brush to each other

To the point you want to hug
But then I need to stop

I need to stop looking forward

To the talks or the laughters

To the hands I want to hold
I need to stop daydreaming

Coz its different with reality

I stopped…

It took small steps until I realized..
I realized we are no longer talking to each other

We are no longer whispering small secrets

We do not even go near each other

Or seeing eye to eye
I then noticed how I miss you

And whenever I see your back

I want to hug you tight

But I stopped
And I might not talk to you again…

I loved being online before
I loved talking to people in this digital world
I loved it but now…

I retreated to my own shell again
I retreated because there is an increase
Of people who posed or ghosted on me

I now wonder what did I expect
I now wonder what matters most
Because I feel everything is fake

My heart is blank
I was trying to knock
And get a response
But my heart is blank
And nothing to react
I thought there are a lot of emotions
That keeping my heart in motion
Rotten anger at the basement
Unquenched desire at the bedroom
Soft joy at the attic
Broken sadness at the bathroom
No one is minding the door.

My heart I tried to heal
Tried to peel
All the unnecessary skin
Tried to gain some light
And control my fright
Tried to rejuvenate
By finding a mate
Then its mistake
As that I dont need to take

My heart of sorrow
Hard to be positive of tomorrow
My heart of weariness
Where is your happiness
My heart of might
Where is your sight
My heart, my heart
Can someone help me
Take care of my heart