Today will be a test to not act on my desire to get up and scream at people… You know things like “you fucking moron, you look like you’re gonna stroke out! The last thing you need is a large Carmel mocha frape!”. Or. “shut up you fucking cow, no one cares if your husband can’t get it up. It’s probably because you never shut up and your phone is growing out of your ear AND since it’s all about you where did you get that baby? Clearly your nasty old ass hasn’t had a reproductive cell in years!”. Yes, I am at the coffee shop and I forgot my ear phones so I can’t get lost in bliss… No, I have to endure. And well, enduring quietly is not something in my repertoire. Nope, not at all. If I must suffer so must everyone within ranting distance. Sorry, but it’s why you love me and if it’s not, I dare you to tell me to my face.
So, yesterday I fell in love.. With the cutest little gay boy. Yes, yours truly has the makings of being a fag hag.. Oh well, fine, I am. But the last gay boy in my life broke my heart and left me bitter after he left journal open to the exact page stating how he was feeling about everyone and everything in his life. Before y’all get righteous on me you tell me with a straight face that if it were laying there on the sofa you wouldn’t have peaked.. LIARS! Anyway he’s back in his home land of queers and steers and I still love him. I digress, yesterday I splurged for a real haircut as opposed to me hacking away in the bathroom swearing that I can do it cuz I USED to do it for a living.. Yeah, Michael Jacksons dr. Used to be a cardiologist but I’m not gonna wait in line for him. Don’t even get me started on the whole “he saved my life while we we’re in flight” guy. I’m not so sure it didn’t happen after he slipped him some horse traquilizer. So, yesterday I finally took the plunge and had this adorable boy cut my hair, who after I called him out declared that yes, he does love drag but hates the bitter queens.
I convinced him that there’s nothing wrong with the bitter queens, they just want some respect and for people to say it like it is. Bitter queens are what I love most about bartending. A queen will always let you know exactly where you stand and how you look while you’re doing it. This boy though, he has a way to go before bitter engulfs him but he’s very talented so it’ll happen quickly enough. Anyway i was so smitten i gave him my ex husbands phone number for when he moves to west hollywood and needs a job while waiting for his boards. It the least I could do. Besides once again the ex has proven himself to be full of it by sending an email two days after my bday and declaring “I didn’t realize how late in the month it was and I’ve been getting my teeth worked on, so the month got away from me.”. Yeah, right. Is that why a friend of mine called to let me know you were out sucking up with your idea of elite, lit out of your beady little head on my bday? Please, don’t bother if it’s just a continuation of the last ten years.
For the record, I turned 31 this year. Don’t buy it? Fuck you. With love of course. My bday did rock though… Two of my dearest friends sent me the MOST amazing bday gifts. A “liberate the lobsters” scarf, it’s a long story just go with it (I am the founding member of the LLF). Then there was the box packed with goodies. There’s nothing like a box of sumptuous chocolates, candles, soap and a toy that is a mind game to which your evil friend has removed the cheat sheet. HA I finally got it.
The man made me breakfast, took me shopping and to my brothers now defunct magic show. No, he’s not a magician unless you wonder where his teeth went.. Again, piss off it’s with love. The man did fail in one dept. He got me a bloody wild beast! A Bengal. I’m not joking when I say this thing is wretched and will rip your heart out and hand it to you.. Never mind that it’s only 5lbs currently and about 13 weeks old. IT WILL GUT YOU. At first I was so smitten because it looks like sweet emu, wanky eye and all. It even mu legs ya. BUT THAT’S WHERE THE COMPARISONS END. again, it will gut you. To bad it’s so damn cute. Even the king of bitter has more or less accepted it. The pig, she adores it but doesn’t want us to know.. Wallet and the dogs could care less. Pez, well he’s an assassin and may take it out. Being a Beta he may well be able to do it. Go ahead laugh, come on over and have a visit with him, that fish is wicked. In case your wondering, the wild beasts name is marmot, so what, I like animals named after other animals.
Great now the coffee shop smells like dirty diapers! Lady get off your bloody phone! That and the coffee girl just went to shut my shade and I asked her not to, this clearly warrants a look of death! Apparently I am a freak because everyone else was oozing with “oh my, thank you, you’re my hero.. Me, I’m thrilled that it’s grey and wet out and would like to look at it. So, now when I ask for a refill I’ll have to watch her and make sure she doesn’t put rat poison in it. I’m telling you, this is the one starbucks in the WORLD where the help is more bitter than the guest. It’s way worst than L.A. Hard to believe but true.
Posted in emu~turkeys~and life
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