Oh, blog! Where did you go? Starting afresh after a far, far too long break. Check me out at https://www.gratefuljane.com

Verse of the day:
“Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ.” Phillipians 3:12

She died slowly by starvation.  She did it to herself.  It was unnecessary.

My aunt always went to church.  She exuded kindness.  She did for others.  When each of my children was born, she came to visit.  She brought food when I was sick, she made everyone’s favorite dishes at family get-togethers, she made my favorite cake for my birthday, she always sent a birthday card–and it always arrived on your birthday no matter where she sent it from.

But, about 10 years ago, she lost some weight.  A little too much, really, because my uncle had open heart surgery, and he needed to loose weight.  She didn’t.  But, being the sweet and loving woman she was, she prepared all of his low-fat dishes, and ate the same thing right along with him.  She was an excellent cook.

Always active, working outside in her yard was a joy.  One day came when she couldn’t mow with a push mower any longer.  In fact, she got pinned to a tree with the weight of it, and couldn’t get herself free.

There was really nothing anyone could do at that point.  She was proud of being thin.  She thought she looked healthy.

We have a dear friend that is a psychologist.  He told my husband recently, he stopped taking cases like my aunt’s because there is truly nothing you can do.  I have wondered, from time to time, if when she said to me, “You’d think that someone who looks as healthy as I do, wouldn’t have a problem with (fill in the blank)”:  what if I had said, “You don’t look healthy, just terribly thin.”

Would it have mattered?  Would she have listened?

It has been a few years since the event I described above, but she has slowly gotten thinner and thinner.  About two months ago, she couldn’t get out of bed.  Her husband took her to the hospital.  She was 5 ft 6 inches tall and weighed 78 lbs.

After about a month in the hospital, they got her up to 98 lbs.  It has been a struggle since then, and she finally gave up the will to live, knowing that she would not ever be able to regain what she had lost.  She went on hospice, and died within 48 hours.

She leaves a gaping hole in our family.  I cannot fathom what goes on in a person’s mind to think like that.  I know it happens, I just don’t get it.

It hurts so bad to say goodbye to someone you love who died so senselessly.  Pride is so ugly.  I loved her.  This is all so surreal.

This is my baby minutes after birth, and shortly before I knew he had Down syndrome.

My husband already had it figured out.

When we have a problem with another person, spouse, friend, child–it tends to be “OUR” problem.  If we (I do mean ME here) have trouble dealing with someone, it’s because our relationship with God isn’t what it should be.  I don’t mean we’ll never have trouble again, Job proves us wrong there, and Paul let us know if we don’t have a thorn in our side we can be lifted up with pride.  I’m faulted enough–and struggle.  I have to pray, “Don’t let me go there, Lord”  as much or more than the average character.

But, it saddens my heart so much to hear of people who call themselves “Christians” choosing to divorce.

A woman I am acquainted with has been married 20 years.  She and her husband have children together, all still at home.  I don’t honestly know the details of the divorce, only that it’s all so civil.  Their children didn’t ever hear them speak ill of one another, nor did their friends:  they can both manage on their own, and it will be over in about a month–just paperwork.

I’m thinking–if it’s all so civil, why not stay together?  Why not work it out?  For the children, if nothing else.  Can there be anything too great for our God?

It puzzles me.  It saddens me.  I’m praying for this family.  “Life is too short” is a phrase you hear a lot.  Life is too short to spend time doing this. . . life is too short to do that. . . life is too short to stay in a marriage you’re not happy in. . . where ever you go, there you are.

Life is not short.  It is eternal.  Time on earth is short.  I have to remember:

“See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.  Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.”  Ephesians 5:14 – 16

I know that I am not immune to this sin.  I know I have to be vigilant, diligent to walk in the Spirit so that I do not fall, when I am tempted, into this same mindset.  I have to trust in God’s grace to get me through each and every day.

These are my observations.  This is my heart right now.  It’s hurting for this family.

Many people have been praying for him, and I can praise my Lord and Saviour that 2 of the three holes are now gone.  The one that is left is the most common defect in a heart, and is minor, negligible, and most likely will never change, except to get a little smaller.

I know God can do better than that.  We are praying for it to go away entirely!

After the doctor gave me the news, I was elated.  It wasn’t like I had been worried about it, but, it was always hanging over us.  Holes in your baby’s heart.  Not a good thing.

The doctor left the room, I was getting my little sweetie dressed, and I just began to weep.  I know what God can do, but he did it for me.  He did it for my baby.  He did it for His glory.  I was awed.

Thank you, Lord.

When I say I’ve been far, I don’t mean physically (we rarely travel). But God has taken me through some things, and is showing me some things. My title for this post is not a direct quote, but from the verses in Proverbs Chapter 6, verses 6-8:

“Go to the ant, thou sluggar; consider her ways, and be wise: Which having no guide, overseer, or ruler, Provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her food in the harvest.”

I have been able to observe the ant over the past week. I also managed to observe another (of what I consider to be a) pest last year. These pests are our teachers, if we would consider them.

Diligence is what I speak of. Have I been diligent? Why, yes, quite often I am. But, is it possible to be diligent in areas that have absolutely nothing to do with glorifying God? But, of course (this must be said with a french accent, because I am thinking of Lumiere from “Beauty and the Beast–the Disney version)!

Anyway, I have indeed been diligent at times in all sorts of things that do nothing to benefit my Lord. Why, then, do I bother?  I don’t mean to, really, I don’t.  It seems like the right thing to do at the time.  It goes to show how I need to draw nearer to my Lord daily.  It is such a struggle, sometimes, this walk.

Where am I going with this?  My baby girl just turned 4 today.  It was a glorious, wonderful, fun day to watch her enjoy the gifts she got, the balloons, look forward (patiently) to her cake, see her eyes light up with anticipation at everything.  We don’t do big birthday parties anymore.  A few years back, we had a very rough year, and approaching Christmas, when my second son has his birthday, we were without money to buy anything for him–I mean we could buy nothing at all.  It was very rough on us.  We couldn’t eat out, we couldn’t go out, we couldn’t spend a penny.  I struggled with that more than I realized I would.  We rummaged through the closet and found little McDonald’s toys that had not been opened from Happy Meals, and a few other things that were supposed to be stocking stuffers that we had not given the year before, and wrapped them up.  We had a simple dinner, a little cakes, then he opened the gifts.  When he opened them all, he said, “Is that it?”

Smiling, I said, “yes.”

He started playing with what he got.  What a blessing that was.

We have had one other “big” party for him since, but the rest of our birthdays are simple family affairs.  I guess I’m being a bit nostalgic, with the walk down memory lane, but, I’m thinking of the areas in our lives where we are diligent.

I have diligently planned and prepared for big birthdays (past).  I have diligently and meticulously scrutinized the school books we use (not necessarily a bad thing–just a time issue).  I have diligently pursued time on the computer (now and again).

Have I diligently attended to my husband and children?  Not always.  Has God been gracious in spite of that? Yes, I am human, you know.  Will he always turn a blind eye to this mistake?

Well, since I have been looking at pests who are so diligent, that in response, I must be excessively diligent to overcome their invasion–I am going to have to guess no.

With that said, I cannot say how much I will be blogging in future.  I have enjoyed it, but I need to be diligent in some other things right now.  When I can, I’ll be by to post.  Check in when you can.  My readership is pretty sparse anyhow–so I don’t think that will be an issue.

Good night.  Must get busy (ants, you know!).

Whoops! I really didn’t mean to be away so long. Got busy. What’s going on? Well, I have been forced into looking at my relationship with my 15yo son. What gives, huh? He’s an awesome young man. He’s been extremely busy so far this summer, but I see the changes going on between us. Not bad things, just different. I wasn’t ready for the changes, but I’ve known they were coming. I miss the little him, but I’m awed by what God has done with him. I raised him, but God has formed him–I really don’t get any credit, you know?

So what’s so different, now, is that he doesn’t really need me for everything. He needs me for authority, yes, but he is also ready to be more than just “my son”. I am having so much trouble articulating this, even.

When he was a boy, he needed me for direction, instruction, structure. Now that he’s becoming a man, he needs me more for guidance, for back and forth communication, for “home.” He is making more of his own choices, he is doing more on his own. It’s rough, but it’s also beautiful at the same time.

I love him so much. It’s incredible to watch.

I’m in the trenches.

I’m easily overwhelmed.

It’s not that I’m stressed so much, just that I don’t feel like I accomplish much each day.

I’m in need of focus, and yet, I don’t have time to do so. Today was hectic, and when my darling husband brought home a dinner we all thoroughly enjoy, as we bowed our heads to pray, I said to him, “You’re too close. I’m feeling over-stimulated right now.” He said, “I know.”

How blessed am I to have a kind husband who senses my tension. How small am I to be so insensitive.

He left me to be by myself for the evening.

Off to pray and to spend some much-needed time of reflection.

update:  I see how I can forget all too easily this time of rest God has gifted me with, and much time of reflection allowed me to see that the slowing down process is so essential for me right now.

At one point, the younger man actually commented on my baby as he passed us going down an aisle. I asked my daughter if she would like to speak to them. She looked puzzled and asked, “Do you?” I said I did, and that if we passed them again, I would say something.

It happened, then, that we were on the same aisle, again, but at opposite ends. We needed something else towards where they were, and so headed towards them, only they didn’t come my way, but continued down the long walk that goes past all the aisles. I was truly compelled in my heart to speak to the woman.

We caught up with them just as she was turning away from a sales demo. I said, “I just had to say hello to you, this is my little boy, he’s four and a half months old, and he has Down syndrome.”

Okay, right now you’re thinking I’m quite odd. I must say that when our son was born, we became part of a much larger family, only I didn’t know it at the time. All the people I have met since his birth whose lives have been closely touched by a person with Down syndrome have a certain camaraderie. Those with immediate family members suddenly become an extension of our family. Why? I don’t know, it must be the common bonds, the understanding, the knowing. It’s not like a “been there, done that” kind of thing, because we’re all in the middle of it, more like “I’m right beside you, and I know. . . ”

So, does the woman get offended at my effrontery? No, she said, “Ohhh, your son? Really? How old? Ohhh, he is so sweet.”

We stood and talked for about a half an hour. Her son is 59 years old. That is incredible! Truly! She told me when he was born, the doctors didn’t expect him to live past 12. Her other boy has autism. He had a camera with him that he took a picture of my baby with, and they are going to mail it to me. She is so glad I spoke to her. So am I.