Decayed Soul

“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.” -Mark Twain

I come to my old abode to proclaim my hatred where few will hear it, hate hate hate it all hate you hate me hate all I see hate this world hate this life hate this death hate all you people hate hate hate hate you want love all you find is hate share with me drown with me in the sea of hate I wanna see the burning bodies behind these empty walls hatredy.

I once threw my sword into the forest’s care, many has it taken, many it shall take still…..I vowed that to achieve my ends I would not need it. And now upon its completion….I shall draw my sword for the last time, either for infinity, or for a heartbeat. I scratched my vows into the Battle Rock, and there shall destiny be tested once more. Jottun we shall overcome their hate with an evil so brutal it can only be divine justice in action!

https://web.archive.org/web/20061018081609/https://reaper.iblogs.com/

If you don’t know, look at the fabled blog of reaper now decayedsoul, if you do, cherish the memories we had…..

i walked the valley of the shadow of death to mt. calvary church on a moonless night in darkness…..first on the phone with a friend…..then back alone with a flashlight praying for mother god to protect me. i am the orignal sinner because i created the chance to freely choose to have free will by knowing right and wrong. i am the bad man. i too get scared in the dark. i am like you. i am not some invincible being…..i too feel…..i too suffer. i am both santa claus, the grim reaper of halloween, and the first president of the us of a. if i die tonight know that i can sleep in peace for i have done my part. you can make me disappear forever or become someone im not until i die of old age in a miserable lonely existence. i give this choise to you freely.

Many people get the feeling that time passes by faster and faster the older you get. This is true, but most people cannot remember their lives from point A to present like I can with my elephant memory super powers. Most nights these days I’ll reflect on that, seeing various pictures of varied importance from my life and it hits me that HOLY SHIT I WAS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YESTERDAY! Oh wait, no that was almost a decade ago. Then the dreams I have lately involve the more important parts of my life, mostly things that changed me or influenced me a lot. And finally there is my new ability to piece together common related things whether they be insignificant or rather hurtful.

So I drift through these days waiting until the end of the year when I will be going to basic training and time keeps moving forward. Late at night I feel at peace with the universe and can’t help but wonder if perhaps fate has snagged my life into a set of events in the future.

I know my original purposes for writing a blog have passed, as have most of my friends on here, so the only reason I can think of for writing this is that I’m bored. Then again I won’t be shutting it down anytime soon so perhaps the future will have some purpose for this blog.

That’s all for now friends, oh wait I totally got a kick ass wolf tattoo.

It has been a long time since I wrote a true philosophical post, and I doubt anyone will come across this, but I am writing it anyway.

We are born in darkness, only becoming conciously aware when we are capable of remebering  what we percieve. At first, the only signs of life are base involuntary rythms of life. Soon however we show ourselves as truly aware, sentinent beings. We are however born in ignorance. We begin learning things based on experience and what our senses inform us, such as a hot surface will cause pain in the form of a burn.

We begin to recieve an education to accomodate our growing mind and increased intelligence. It can start out as your parents teaching you to stop shitting yourself and use the potty and then onwards to schooling and maybe even preaching. Often we just blindly accept these things, these laws, these rules. We learn it is much easier to follow an established road than to carve our own.

Some of us question these things. I did not for a long time until I caught myself in my own stupidity. This gave me a period in my life of feeling lost and confused after losing my crutch, like a sucker punch to the gut.  And then after finding the writings of the man I call my mentor I decided to seek answers for myself.

Having no boundaries of black and white, I soon became lost in the grey. I realized I could only see from my perspective and my own perception. Even if I manage to see the other sides, it all amounts to what my opinion becomes and unless I make it uniform as either right or wrong, I still find it without any meaning.

Can you seek out happiness in life and be content? Of course, because it will have meaning to you. Can you lose it? Yes, I lost it almost a year ago now. Can you find it again? I would think so, but for me I think not. I am content to slowly poison myself with sweet sweet cancersticks. Really the only thing that bothers me anymore is the slow passage of time, taking an eternity to reach a desired point, only to have it pass in the blink of an eye.

Besides self satisfaction, what makes something worth anything? Is it sharing the memory with someone close to you, that you care for as my old friend Saul told me? I do not know, as that concept has become lost to me. Except for those memories I hold dear of course.

Does everything come to an ultimate end? Would that make everything meaningless? Do we continue forever, and would it be worth it? How would we continue forever? The only ones I see content with that are those who follow an established doctrine, often one that seems a form of slavery to me. But you cannot judge someone elses happiness……

Why do we fight, harm, and destroy? Why spread sorrow? There are those who feed off of others sorrow. Are we just some spectacle for some higher being? Are we being played like pawns in a game? Is everything predestined or do we have control of our own destiny?

Why are some born to good circumstance and others to terrible circumstance? This automatically throws someone into an existence of either happiness or pain and sorrow. Of course you can rise or fall to the situation, but this still does not explain the gap in equality.

There are so many more concepts to ponder in this existence, this existence gone in a ridiculously small period in the grand scheme of infinity.

I only hope that I am only the few who are lost, especially ones who had something to lose.

“I saw my kingdom in all its glory, atwitter like a golden light, all gone and utterly destroyed in a matter of moments.”

So dare you ask, what nightmares plauge me? Of love won and love lost, of life and death in the heart? Oh how I fell, hitting the dirt so hard. Oh how I wept at the sorrow growing within. Why I ask? Why the fuck do you rob me of the only happiness I’ve had since my depression? Am I merely a plaything for Your amusement? Do you smile at my destruction? Does my pain feed your joy?

So perhaps I had gotten over my loss…..until the dreams returned, and a simple message from prophetshands that I just found today. Who could it be but none other than my heart’s desire? Do you come seeking to repair what you’ve done? Or do you come to plant that final stake into my heart? Or maybe you just want my friendship, which you also cast away at the time of our sundering.

I tell myself I care no more, I can move on, that I feel no more pain. But I was wrong. The very first true love I could ever have departed, leaveing me all alone again.

Maybe my life means nothing in this world, perhaps I should finally accept reapers conclusion that my dream is a delusion.

Can I ever go back and save our bond? Can the love ever be repaired? Will I ever see your beautiful face again? Why do questions such as these plague my heart? I miss your sweet embrace….

I pray for death, I pray for life, I pray for love won and love lost.

If it can be repaired or even started over I would have hope again. But for now I must silently suffer and pray my misery ends.

Somehow I haven’t been discovered concerning my school work. The deadline is May 22nd, the day of my death is set lest a miracle be found….

Should I even try to describe what happened to me somewhere around october? Its something doctors like to call “slipping into another dimension” or “we really dont fucking have a clue, lets prescribe experimental drugs!”. Besides all the orbs, demonic shadowflame dogs in front of the church down the road, driving at 120 mph in the middle of the night while blacked out and still ending up a few miles away even with all the curves/normal road hazards, flipping my car over without getting scratched, walking through a field of sandspurs without getting scratched (the field is where my car landed), getting eaten alive my mosquitos without getting any bite marks, arriving at a strange house with supernatural powers, talking to the spirits of deceased people, and yes this even went on into when i was commited to a hospital or what I liked to think of as a “insane asylum”.

Okay you might be wondering what the hell that was about. Well it is kinda hard to explain in a linear fashion everything I experienced in that other dimension. I also developed Tony Montana’s accent after watching Scarface among other things. Not to mention the strange power of the full moon or me being a real werwolf (ironically my pic for this blog is a werewolf).

i spent at least 30 days at the hospital for rehabilitating otherwise normal youths (aside from the wrist cutting, drug addiction ect.). On the other side of the place was the adult section full of people weirder than anything I’ve ever seen. And we alway had to see them at the cafeteria, one day a woman who reminded me of K with a mustache was behind me and I asked her name, which she didn’t know.

these events are what led up to me being screwed out of college and ending up on a horrendous homeschool program that uses the ol’ comp. Now I am completely unable to finish my work and time is running out as of May. not to mention they are checking my progress sometime this week to inform my parents as to where Im at.

So when they find out my doom will be complete.

i also have to see a doctor every month and take medicine every night. I havent taken my medicine for two months and nothing bad has happened, so Im thinking their diagnosis of “bipolar” was a term meaning “we really dont know what happened or what you experienced but it scared the shit out of us”.

Oh yeah, many objects I acquried disappeared (even a rock i found in my room when i got home after my all night stay at the supernatural house after flipping my car that i locked in my lockbox disappeared). Even the red bandana K should remember in my car disappeared, after my step grandma got it out and stuck to my lower left stomach area.

whew im done for now, try to decipher the above best you can, i still dont understand what the hell Im supposed to get out of all this.