What occasionally possesses inspiration
given enough time
twists and distorts your sense of self
until you feel worthless
and lost and confused
scrolling numblessly yet frantically
searching for someone
or something
to tell you who you are.
do more and be better?
This belief that
I always need a goal to be chasing,
something bigger + brighter
+ better
than what I already have;
does that belief still serve me?
The relentless chase
exhausts me
but like a woodpecker
I can always hear the drumming
in the background:
“Do more, and be better.”
Engage with your family more.
Expand your social media + creative audience.
You’re not good enough at your job.
Your physical health isn’t where it should be.
You know better, so you should do better.
Stay off your phone.
Be more social.
Separate yourself into small, neat boxes.
Integrate all parts of you into one; you don’t need to compartmentalize.
Can I stand on the table and scream
“SHUT UP!?”
This life I have right now
is what I once dreamed of
and doubted would ever become my reality.
I don’t need to do more,
and I don’t need to be better.
Who I am, right now, is enough.
overcast clouds
You know me better
than I know myself.
After years of therapy and self-inquiry
I like to believe
I know myself fairly well
but you call attention to
hyperfixations
ruminations
personality shifts
and detrimental perspectives
as though their obviousness
mimics the sun in the sky
while overcast clouds surround me.
How do you do it?
Remove temptation
Remove temptation;
create space to re-focus.
The best time is now.
Recognizing
Recognizing
moments
of my nervous system
easefully resting,
my lungs breathing
slow and deep,
my mind clearing,
my heart
opening.
Recognizing
circumstances
welcoming
and embracing me
into this calmness.
Recognizing
the time spent away from here
and the nourishment
in this
reunion.
Imagine if they were non-existent
I cannot assume
the judgements I cast upon others
are replicated
upon me by other people.
I judge others harshly
in anticipation
they too will judge me harshly
so I can prepare self-defenses
in advance.
But it is possible
that other people’s judgements of me
are different,
lesser than,
or even non-existent.
Imagine if they were non-existent;
the expended energy wasted
in anxiety.
I am not one to let coffee go to waste
For how long
have I been living on autopilot?
Living the same cycles
over and over again
without critical analysis
of my intentions, purposes,
beliefs,
values?
Was it a method of survival,
sticking close to what I knew
and could trust,
when so much beyond
felt out of control,
despairing?
Was it an avoidance of vulnerability,
of coming face to face
with my deeper self
and acknowledging the change I wanted,
dreamed of,
but did not dare manifest?
Now, with space,
the questions and reflections pour into me
like a hot cup of coffee
filling the mug,
reaching the brim
and overflowing.
I can avoid them no longer
as a pool of coffee collects around the cup
and I am not one
to let coffee go to waste.
passions peak and wane
Observe how parts of you
shift,
ascend and recede like the tide,
introducing a new side of you
to yourself
every day.
Passions peak and wane
to our pleasure or dismay.
Try not to make meaning
of the waves,
for when at last you do,
they will already be gone,
leaving you in the still, shallow water
gently caressing your ankles.
voice in your head
Walk in the direction opposite
to the voice in your head
if that voice
does not belong to you.
short, clean slates
Starting with short, clean,
clear-polished slates,
twice or thrice
daily lotioning,
keeping mind and body
meaningfully occupied,
together
can grow
a new path through the forest.
Dawning Words 