Call it a premature mid-life crisis of sorts, but I went through some kind of transitional period this year.  I don’t really know what sparked it, but I can’t think of any one thing, probably just all the wee things compiled created it.

I have spent a large portion of my life depressed.  More than people who know more realise or are willing to admit, and was never really able to get through it properly.  I’d have ups and downs (occasionally pretty major ones) but could never really break free.  Truth be told, I don’t think I have even now, but there’s been a dynamic shift that’s changed somethin’ near the core of the problems.

I would always say I was a realist, but could accept that I was heavily influenced by pessimism, having a long extended disdain for sunshine vomiting optimists, being surrounded by so many (and I mean the ones who’re delusionally optimistic), but lately I’d say I’ve got rid of most of that pessimism and am looking at things through a clear, logical and unclouded vision.  Hell, I can even muster up optimism every now and then!

But most importantly is the fact that I’ve freed myself of my problems.  It’s akin to the philosophy of the Ancient Stoics who believed that anguish and emotions would imprison people and that one could only free oneself by following reason and rationality and accepting nature as it is.  I don’t quite agree with their doctrine as a whole, but the basic, generic principle seems to be a basis of what has happened to me; I’ve not got rid of my problems, they are quite definitely still there, but I feel that I’ve freed myself from them.  I am able to look at my life and see it the way I want to and am ready to focus on what needs to be focussed on with a clear head.  The changes are very slight, but it’s the slight ones that matter the most.

Now, why am I writing this here?  I’d say because the very first blog I wrote down was slightly before aforementioned transition, and many of the rest during and slightly after it.  After Vox’s death and I moved here, I’m no longer within that transition, but living the after-effects of it.  I’m slowly importing my posts from Vox and some of them may seem contradictory to what I have been saying otherwise, but I’d still like them to be written down in my log, despite slight attitude changes.  Of course, even my non-imported posts may seem strange and self-argumentative at times, but that’s just who I am as a person; I’m a self-confessed hypocrite, a believer in everything that needn’t be believed, someone who thinks that being too selfless is selfish.  I have a lot of nothings of no small things happening to distract me, but I can never stop my mind wandering, so if I make no sense, or if my sense stops making sense then you do not have to read my logs.  There are public as a matter of interest.