I’ve been watching Doctor Who since I was a little tot in the 70s. That’s not me gate keeping or trying to impress you, just my way of saying that I have some skin in this game; I’m invested in Doctor Who.

For ages in the United States, all we had to watch on the public television channel was Tom Baker episodes. From the mid-70’s until about 82, it was the same 6 seasons of Tom Baker back-to-back. There were some areas that got Jon Pertwee episodes, but predominantly all we had was the guy in the scarf. Then all of that changed with the new theme tune, new credits and eventually a new younger Doctor and all new companions. A couple of years after that he left and we got an entirely new actor and yet newer credits, them another new actor… we had a lot of changes to keep up with and each time the program shifted greatly. My friends who had inducted me into the fandom jumped ship when Colin Baker arrived but I was hooked. After the new episodes ended, we got the black and white material and I became educated in the rest of Who; then the comics and novels… for a period when the program was off the screens there was a lot of Doctor Who to digest.

This all brings me to the latest “special,” The Star Beast. The modern iteration of Doctor Who, to be fair, is not my preferred way to watch. I much prefer the original ‘classic’ series. However, with some adjustment, I can appreciate it. It’s lighter, moves faster (much faster in some cases) and is more centered on character than plot. So I have to make some provisions when watching the new episodes. Even so, when I learned of Russell T Davies returning to the program, I was not enthused for a couple of reasons; one was that I thought that the series should move forward with new voices rather than backwards and secondly I never really liked his vision of the program. Davies’ vision of Doctor Who is bombastic, garishly vibrant and filled with soap opera elements rather than sci-fi adventure. So I prepared myself for this special as best as I could. I knew that at its best it would not be what I wanted.

Nothing could have prepared me, however, for what came to pass. The introduction featured a pair of narratives explaining events that took place thirteen years ago on screen as if they were the most important events ever. The program had moved well beyond these events and it was very strange to me that Davies couldn’t find a better way to convey all of this than just having the characters tell us. Whenever a character physically faces the camera and states facts… you’re in trouble. Here we had both the Doctor and Donna explain that they once had adventures together then he had to take all of those memories away to save her life. If she ever remembered their time together, she would DIE (all caps).

But on to our jolly Christmasstime adventure. The TARDIS arrives in contemporary London and the Doctor twirls out, sauntering about in a giddy haze. He had just regenerated, but there seemed to be no post-regenerative state as there usually was. He had inherited a past face for some reason but that was not explained either. Then he suddenly bumps into the one person he should definitely not see; Donna. Then he meets Donna’s daughter Rose (a name that causes the Doctor to look about as if someone had tugged at his heart strings. Then a space craft crashes nearby and Donna refuses to notice… for some reason. The Doctor hails a cab which just so happens to be driven by Donna’s husband. He directs the cab to the space craft crash and learns a bit about how his friend has been living.

From here there are three plot threads that are hammered home several times over; an alien is stranded in London, Donna gave away her lottery money and her daughter is transgender. All are treated with the same level of importance. Star Beast, I should note, is an adaptation of a beloved comic strip by Pat Mills and Dave (Watchmen) Gibbons. Both are credited in the opening credits and both were paid by Bad Wolf Productions (they didn’t *have* to do that). The comic strip is a grand adventure and introduces the bizarre Beep the Meep. This one does as well… only with less success.

The Doctor encounters UNIT soldiers at the crash site along with the latest scientific advisor who is wheelchair bound (I only mention as the script makes a fuss out of this). The soldiers try to enter the fallen craft while the Doctor uses the sonic screwdriver to draw diagrams in the air as it can now make holograms. The soldiers are overcome by a weird light emanating from the capsule and get taken over.

The Meep finds its way to just outside Donna’s home where Rose brings it in to her shed in. the back. They share some copyright infringing ET moments and she attempts to hide Beep from her mum. Donna discovers the Meep, the Doctor arrives (even though he has expressly said that he cannot see Donna at the beginning of the episode for fear of killing her with memories) and highjinx ensue.

Some alien soldiers and possessed UNIT soldiers ,one of whom is a Sikh (I only mention because the camera focuses on him a lot even though he never does anything unique or noteworthy), fight through the Noble residence and the Doctor creates a pair of force fields (another new thing the sonic, a device that Davies notoriously used as a get to of jail card several times over during his tenure, can do).

Some running about and highjinx continue as all of the characters escape to a car park where the Doctor puts on a judge’s wig and magically brings the alien soldiers to him for a trial. There he exposes the Meep for not being a fuzzy innocent creature but instead a vicious monster. More high jinx and the Meep regains its place in the spacecraft (which I guess can now take off fine… so why didn’t the Meep just leave earlier?) where Beep activates the deadly star drive which will destroy much of London if it takes off. The Doctor leaves the Noble party in safety and jumps into a part of the rocket filled with switches where he proceeds to madly contort his body and hop around as he activates different buttons. Donna insists, for some reason, to join him and he directs her as to which buttons to press as a dividing wall drops between them (what this wall is for I cannot guess).

Suddenly it becomes necessary for the Doctor to forcibly cause Donna to not only recall who he is and what adventures they had but also all of the power that she ounce possessed as the “Doctor-Donna” thirteen years ago. Yes, this will kill her. Keep in mind that the Doctor is just randomly pushing buttons and was perfectly capable of directing Donna a moment ago. Also keep in mind the importance of Donna’s memory coming back as it will kill a dear friend. Got all that? I don’t think Davies had.

Donna becomes part Timelord again and madly flips switches as Beep the Meep is frustrated. All the while, London is being torn apart; great rifts tearing through the streets. Somehow all of this succeeds and the Meep is ejected from the rocket which shuts down and somehow all of the damage to London is undone as if someone wiped it away with a cloth. The alien Wrath Warriors take custody of the Meep who for some strange reason. refers to Rose as a “weird kid.” There is a nod to someone higher up above the Meep being in control who the Doctor will eventually have to answer to and they’re off. The Doctor then is faced with the dilemma ofd Donna’s Timelord powers which somehow Rose also obtained (she played a role in defeating the Meep) and Donna says it is a shame the Doctor isn’t a woman anymore. Donna and Rose simply let go of the energy and free saved.

Huh.

The Doctor is about to say goodbye to the Nobles and asks Donna along for just one trip. Keep in mind the last time they traveled together she almost died and her family lived in fear for the past thirteen years that she may remember the Doctor and suddenly die. In the face of all that, everyone present agrees that it can’t hurt and the pair enter the TARDIS which is now a disco roller rink. Donna dramatically spills coffee into the time rotor and the craft jerks as it dematerializes for some doom-laden location.

So… the first of three 60th anniversary specials that reintroduces the Tenth Doctor as the Fourteenth and rings in the celebratory season… what utter crap.

Your mileage may, of course, vary, but as I had mentioned previously, I have taken issue with Davies’ writing previously as he a) ignores large important plots for family drama, b) fails to resolve plots in a satisfactory way and c) uses magical resolution devices. In this story we are told over and over that Donna cannot remember who the Doctor is yet he not only allows this to happen, he forces the situation on her. In order to defeat the Meep, the Doctor just presses random buttons.

This happens a lot in Davies’ scripts. He has no idea how to defeat any foe, so instead he just has the Doctor press lots of buttons because he has seen that resolution in big budget films (I’m guessing). The soap opera angle of the episode is played up very strongly, despite the fact that the episode has such great material to adapt. I know that Mills and Gibbons were invited on set and while I think it is great that they received recognition, their material was given a distinct disservice.

And finally, allow me to address the elephant in the room; representation.

I’m all for representation and I’m all for stories that tackle important issues and well as entertain but… this isn’t how you do it. Just reiterating that a character is trans over and over and having characters express undying love (Donna says something dramatic like I would burn down whole galaxies for you) is not how you do it. Likewise the Sikh and the wheelchair bound UNIT scientific advisor who later fired rockets from her chair.

There is an episode of Star Trek The Next Generation that addressed gender politics in 1992 (The Outcast). The story featured an androgynous character who asked crew members of the Enterprise to define what it meant to be male or female and described a society that denied both in favor of a race without gender. It is a poignant and erudite episode that addressed some important issues in an adult way.

Davies (an award winning author) gives us none of this and instead has Rose bring up pronouns, a couple of kids yell at her in an alley, her grandmother admit befuddlement as to how to deal with her and an alien call her weird. This is damningly inept and fails to properly address the issue. In short, if you can’t do it… don’t. Rather than provide representation, Davies shows transgendered individuals as bizarre in some way and if they are capable of being loved, they must get all of the love in the most expressed way possible.

The Start Beast was anticipated as the beginning of a new “Golden Age” of Doctor Who as the series had fallen in public regard since the 50th anniversary and ratings had fallen. A deal was struck with Disney+ for worldwide distribution and an enhanced budget. This would be the most expensive production budget Doctor Who had ever enjoyed and a much bigger audience as well.

Star Beast had an overnight ratings result of 5.08 million. The previous episode, Power of the Doctor, received 5.3 million. This was not a roaring success. Reviews have been mixed. Many had said that Davies had grown as a writer since he was last at the helm of Who in 2010 and Davies himself has said that we should expect something new… but this was all something we had seen many many times before. We got the same tired jokes, the same tired dramatic resolution and the same focus on soap opera rather than sci-fi. Additionally, for such an expensive program, it all looked so tiresome and cheap. The cinematography was predictable and flat, the effects and location work we had seen countless times before and the rubber monsters frankly embarrassing.

I never want to speak ill of something (even in the face of all that I have said). Doctor Who has held a special place in my heart (and in my home where countless collectibles hold court), but this was a major disappointment and from what I am seeing online, I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Additionally; the sonic screwdriver, which was already a magic wand device capable of anything, is now even more powerful. My mate Philip even proposed that Doctor Who be renamed “Sonic, the Screwdriver” and adventures would simply consist of the TARDIS landing, the Doctor leaning out the door and waving his device about, then the door would close and the TARDIS would leave. There is obviously no dramatic tension. anymore, so why not take up this approach? It would certainly save us all some time.

Two stars out of ten