I want to write a post about the recent progress my husband and I have made over the last two weeks.  We have had some long drawn-out conversations that leaves us emotionally and physically exhausted.  We have both realized aspects of our previous behavior that contributed to our maladaptive communication behaviors.

I know I wrote this post How Long Do I Wait basically about my impatience with waiting for my husband to see what I can see.  There are still many issues that we both need to navigate and I do realize it is much more difficult for my husband than it is for me.  After I wrote that post on Tuesday, that night in therapy my husband made even more progress.

I am trying not to dwell on all of the negative that is holding me down. I am trying not to constantly think about the bomb that went off in my recent life that keeps weighing on my shoulders.  I am trying to move forward for myself, for my children and for my husband.  I am learning to be assertive.  I never realized how much I allow others to dictate what occurs in a dynamic interaction with me.  I am sure that allowance is due to traumatic childhood events.  Realizing this factor, I can now begin to see past behavior in myself that perpetuated mistreatment of me by others.  This is really a big step!  Learning new behaviors and personal introspection is very challenging but I believe worth the effort.

Now about progress seen in my husband.  There have been a few recent admissions on his part such as that his affair was a choice and that he realized he emotionally abandoned me during my time of need and his failure to show his love .  These are all such a relief to have expressed by my husband and the changes need to be made into good habits.  There has been even more progress made by my husband.  I am very thankful that we have a very good marriage counselor (referred to as the Hounselor).  Without her I feel we would be lost and gone forever.

Last weekend my husband and I fell into unfavorable behavior patterns as that happens sometimes.  There was only a little conflict and it cascaded into much more because of all the crap we have going on in our life.  We talked, we cried, we expressed fears and sorrow.  In fact, we were really only trading pain (thanks castleblocs ).  This mulling over past hurts and regrets were not helping us to move forward.  But I do know we are trying to make sense of what happened as well so a little bit of discussion is okay especially since everything has been upended.

Onto therapy Tuesday night with our Hounselor.  My husband spoke first and immediately went into what happened last Friday night.  He talked about how he was in a low ebb and low energy and felt drained and just wanted to be left alone.  Hounselor let him tell his position and feelings about the interaction and then asked him why he started off his point of view by stating that he just wanted to be left alone.  He answered still only taking his point of view into the conversation.  Hounselor actually had to tell him that his wanting to be alone is perfectly fine and that everyone needs to have alone time.  But she said, “You are in a relationship, you have to acknowledge your spouses’ needs and you do not always have to meet them”.  She proceeded to ask him how he thought I felt by his actions and he did not know; (even though I used “I…you…” statements at the time of the original interaction, which I wrote down and used again in the session).  Hounselor turned to me to state how I felt about his behavior and I said,  “I feel unloved and unwanted when you push me away because I feel as if your love is conditional towards me.  I feel insecure and confused when love and reassurance are withheld by you because I feel you believe your own feelings are more important than mine.”

Again Hounselor restated that my husband did not need to meet my needs but only acknowledge that they existed.  She went into example mode and surprisingly my husband did not get defensive as he does when I try this method because he thinks I’m trying to control him.  He still doesn’t quite understand what to do but we will work on this, I hope.  It must be difficult for him stating wants in an appropriate manner that acknowledges both of our needs.

Somehow, somewhere that session, my husband had an epiphany as I call it.  He realized that he had not been coming to me when he is in a state of low energy, low ebb, or just plain exhaustion.  My husband said that he didn’t feel he could come to me because I was dealing with so much already.  He realized he was pushing me away as his coping mechanism for being tired and checked out.  He didn’t realize what his behavior was doing to me.  He didn’t know I was feeling unloved and unwanted.  He just wanted me to leave him alone.

After therapy that night my husband spoke with me.  My husband apologized for pushing me away all these years (7+) and I saw true sorrow in his eyes at the horror of what he had been doing for so many years.  I reassured him that I have always wanted and will always want him to seek comfort or solace with me no matter how he feels.  I want him to turn towards me instead of away.  I want him to be able to trust me as I am not the enemy.  I thanked him for his apology.  I still have more to say to him about positive aspects I see in him as reasons for turning towards me.  We’re working on that part still.

I did ask, if he wasn’t seeking solace with me when he wanted to be alone was he seeking it with anyone else?  He did say, “He thought I might be thinking that and no, that he didn’t turn to anyone he just kept it inside” so that is the answer I have for now.  Perhaps this was part of the catalyst keeping him in his negative headspace for so long.  I don’t know yet.

I subsequently reiterated to my husband that he needs to follow through on his declaration that he should see an individual therapist.  I probably did this part incorrectly.  I know I did, I am still making mistakes but I told him I did this wrong and fixed my wording.  He gave me a typical excuse and then a valid excuse and I mirrored the valid excuse as reasonable and let him know I understood.  I also gave an ultimatum.  I told him he needs to see an individual therapist or I would be forced to have no other choice, the choice both of us are trying to avoid.  I would have to leave and we would have to get divorced.  Maybe just separated at first but I haven’t thought about it in much detail.  Gosh, that ultimatum was extremely painful for me to have to say that to him.  Even thinking it makes me want to be sick.  My husband asked me if what I said was a threat.  I said no, but you needed to know my thoughts of where I would need to go if stagnation occurs because that behavior is not fair to our marriage.  He cannot put his head in the sand any longer and pretend everything will be okay. Look where that kind of behavior got us?

At this time, my husband stated that he was having trouble viewing himself as nothing more than an asshole due to his behavior.  I sat and listened to more.  He said if he views our marriage from looking at it from above, he sees himself as the mean guy, the bad guy and the asshole especially if he looks at what I was going through the entire time with my pain and still working and caring for the children.   I did not argue but I did not affirm.  I said, “Look this is our story, our marriage, this is what happened.  We both know what happened from our own perspective.  We both need to accept our roles in the story line.  You need to accept your role for what it is and do better now and in the future so you aren’t the asshole in the story line anymore.  I deserve that much.  We both deserve to have a better marriage with each other from now on.”

We continued talking and my husband admitted he thinks he has a lower emotional intelligence quotient.  At this time, we were both too tired to continue and I will revisit this topic later with him.  The fact he voiced it though, is important.  I do believe though that his EQ score is not as important as is his reflection and understanding of his behavior and putting forth effort to change his maldaptive behavior.  Perhaps I am incorrect.  More to come sometime.

This past week has been filled with a personal dark place I had never visited before in my life.  More on that later as I try to comphrehend what happened and how I got there.  Thank goodness it didn’t last long.  I did have many  positive points with my husband that I want to last longer than the unpleasant times.  My husband is talking to me about his thoughts on life aspects again.  Oh how I’ve missed him!  I told him this.  I don’t want these good times to be temporary, please I want them to stay.  Even he says he feels better.

We still have much more we have to get through.  We have to resolve multiple past conflicts and I know this will not be easy but it will be necessary to move forward or we will get stuck in the past.

Phew.  I’m exhausted but feeling in limbo at the same time feeling some relief yet still fearful and apprehensive.  I’m still guarded.  Still, things are good for now.  I think this is the first time I’ve been able to admit my feelings without too much doubt since dday 9.5 months ago.