Carview!

[Photo]Funny is what it is.

Scott Pilgrim makes the move to DC, manages Fantom Comics.
Any one with information leading to his apprehension prior to film production should contact Edgar Wright. Please? Seriously. Please.

No. We're not gone.
(Makes you wonder what we're up to, doesn't it?)

CULVER CITY, CA. - Artist Michael Turner, founder of Aspen Studios, achieved immortality as of June 28. Accompanied by Fathom, Soulfire, Lara Croft (Tomb Raider) and Sara Pezzini (aka Witchblade), he was escorted to a higher plane following a long battle with cancer.

Turner achieved fame with his work at Top Cow Studios, creating the definitive look of several female characters. He has long been considered one of the industry's best artists, particularly for drawing beautiful women.

Fans of his work are urged to donate to the American Cancer Society or to the Make-a-Wish Foundation in his name. Cards and letters may be sent to:
Aspen MLT, Inc.
c/o Michael Turner
5855 Green Valley Circle, Suite 111
Culver City, CA, 90230

The thoughts and prayers of the BPD staff are with his family, friends and co-workers.

Word on the street is that there's an all-new Question running around Gotham, working glove-in-glove with a nasty group of religious fanatics. We at BPD were naturally a little concerned, so we went out to bring you this installment of Ask the Question. This time, it's BPD's turn.

BPD: Good evening, Question.

Q: Hurm.

BPD: You okay?

Q: Yeah. Had a frog in my throat.

BPD: We heard that your recent investigation into a certain nefarious book led in some unexpected directions.

Q: You might say that. I was trying to find out more about the Crime Bible. This is a work that, depending on who you ask, is either an ancient collection of prophecies and tales of Cain--or a batch of ravings from a crackpot. Depends on what you believe.

Except I don't operate on belief--I have to know.

BPD: So what did you find? Is the Crime Bible for real?

Q: ...yes.

BPD: Should we be frightened by that?

Q: If you'd asked me last year, I would have said yes. Now... well, I'm doing all I can to defuse the Crime Bible's most horrifying prophecies. It's a herculean task, because any one thing I do may precipitate or fulfill a prophecy, rather than negating it. The more I know, the more dangerous my actions might be. Needless to say, I'm having some trouble sleeping.

BPD: What about this (for lack of a better word) cult, the Dark Faith?

Q: They're a factor in this situation. Let's just say that I'm keeping my friends at arm's length and my enemies close.

BPD: Anything else coming up?

Q: Yes. A recent meeting with an old colleague turned up some very interesting information. Your readers should keep their eyes open and prepare themselves--events are starting to spiral out of anyone's control.

BPD: Is there anything that can be done about that?

Q: Good question.

Thanks to The Question for this little Q&A. We'll revive ASK THE QUESTION as a regular feature as soon as things start getting back to normal. Till then...

-Your Loyal BPD Staff

BPD was lucky to land an exclusive interview with Dr. Robert Bruce Banner and his alter-ego, the Incredible Hulk. The upcoming film by Louis Leterrier stars Edward Norton as the gamma-irradiated scientist; Banner assented to doing publicity for the movie as "community service" for the recent World War Hulk debacle.

BPD: Dr. Banner, what did you think of the movie?

BANNER: Oh, you know, they got some things right but this is Hollywood. They couldn't do the real origin, with the gamma bomb and all-- times are different and all that.

HULK: Puny humans afraid of puny human lawyers! =Ahem= That is, gamma bomb testing has been outlawed by international treaty since 1972. Using that as an element of my genesis might be seen as needlessly provocative or, worse, make this movie into a period piece.

BPD: I see. Hulk, what did you think of the movie?

HULK: Deconstructing the classic elements of forgiveness, redemption and the fruitless seeking of power, be it knowledge or brute force... I'd see it again. At full price.

BANNER: He's only saying that because I'm the one who pays for the ticket. Hulk doesn't carry cash.

HULK: You think I need to?

(At this point, the Hulk grew even larger and stronger. Tranquilizing gas was pumped into his cell.)

HULK: RAHRR! Hulk smash puny ticket machine!

(The Hulk's rage subsided after a long, hushed but angry exchange between Hulk and Banner.)

BPD: Moving on... Edward Norton plays you, Dr. Banner, and Liv Tyler plays Betty Ross in the movie. What did you think of their performances?

BANNER: Edward Norton is a tremendous actor, as is Liv Tyler. Meeting them was a real pleasure, albeit one that took place with several inches of bulletproof glass between us. That was an insurance necessity, I've been told.

HULK: Would've been nice to at least get a picture with them.

BANNER: Don't sulk, Hulk. Anyway, I think they captured the struggles Betty and I faced over the years. It was never easy.

HULK: You can say that again. When I think of all the garbage we had to put up with...

BPD: Calm down, Hulk, please.

HULK: I mean it really gets me ticked off, you know?

BPD: What about William Hurt as General Ross?

BANNER (fuming): Thunderbolt Ross is a jerk. And you can quote me in big bold letters.

HULK: No comment. But William Hurt is a wonderful fellow. Loved him in A History of Violence. Heh... what a great pun.

BPD: The movie also features one of your most powerful enemies, the Abomination.

BANNER: Yes. Tim Roth hung out in my incarceration unit a lot before and during filming--even asked for one of his own, for awhile--to "get inside" being a gamma mutate. I guess that's his method.

HULK (snorting): Method. Yeah, right.

BANNER: At least he still writes.

HULK: Whatever. They got the ears wrong. A-bomb has those funky batwing ears. I'm not making that up! Totally left those out of the movie.

BPD: What about the fight scenes? They look pretty good.

BANNER: More fun to watch them than to live them.

HULK: What would YOU know about it, puny Banner? GRAHRR!

Hulk smash Bat-Wing Ears!

=cough cough= That is, I've batttled the Abomination repeatedly and found him a challenging opponent. The movie represents that very adequately.

BPD: Have they discussed making a sequel yet? There are at least two major plot threads left hanging at the end of this movie...

HULK: Nothing has been discussed. Perhaps after the opening returns come in and they see if they have a hit. IRON MAN set a very high bar for us. Did you know Robert Downey Jr. is in this movie as that gold-plated double-crosser? Ooh, thinking about Tony Stark gets me so mad...

(The Hulk reverts to his savage persona once again.)

BANNER: =sigh= I thought we'd worked all this out in therapy...

HULK: Hulk have issues.

And with that, we close this interview. Thanks to the fine folks in the US Army Public Relations Division, Marvel News and Universal Studios for their help with this article.

WYCKO, MN. - Citizens of this far-northern farming community were simultaneously proud and dismayed to find that a New God had chosen their home when it came his time to die. Identified as Stellar (a previously unknown and unworshipped New God), the dying super-entity's final words were (to paraphrase) "damn this sucks" and "dying... me! I'm a friggin' New God!"

"We didn't know what to make of it," said Heinz "Handy" Ostrobeck, a local farmer and merchant. "He was dying for what must've been half an hour out in Clancy Bright's field over there. Yelling and cursing and carrying on. I was tempted to take my old shotgun and just end it for him, you know? Our kids don't need to hear some space freak making a fuss like that."

The residents of Wycko had heard rumors that "some of them superfolk were getting killed off," Ostrobeck said, but "that's so far away from here, we didn't think it mattered much to us. Then this goofball from space shows up and dies and we're in the papers."

Reminded that the New Gods had, in fact, been getting murdered over the past year, Ostrobeck shrugged. "I can't expect to keep up with all them big city doings," he said. "When Superman dies again, let me know. Otherwise I'll just keep plugging along."

Other, better-informed folk admitted that they had forgotten entirely that the New Gods had been slain en masse, so that the revelation of a New God's death offered a certain novelty all over again. It certainly seemed nobody realized (or cared) that an entire civilization of powerful, benevolent beings had been annihilated, even though it had been heavily covered in national publications during the previous twelve months.

No funeral arrangements have been made, since there are no known next of kin (or anyone to pay for said arrangements). Clancy Bright said he might charge folks a dollar to view the remains, which are currently on display in his barn.

DATELINE UNKNOWN - We here at BPD love a good rumor, and boy, did we hear one this week. Seems that long-bygone superhero the High (who reportedly imitated a bug on SkyWatch's "windshield" a few years ago) may not be as bygone as believed.

"I saw this... um, sort of glass tube," reported our source. "It was full of, of, red glop, I guess. Sorta made me nauseous looking at it, 'cause it was, uh, churning. If the paperwork was right, that's what the SkyWatch jockeys scooped up after he went splat. You ask me, wasn't nothing exactly dead in that glass tube."

What does it all mean? We have no idea, but we'll keep our ears open.

(P.S. We're only kidding about the Low--but wouldn't it be cool if the High had a thematic counterpart?)

ASBURY PARK, NJ - Local barfly Randall "Gumball" Greeves admitted that the present onslaught of Skrull warriors is pretty much his fault.

"A couple years ago, I was sittin' next to this guy down at the Low Tide Bar 'n Grill," Greeves said. "He was kinda green and had this bumpy chin, but he was buyin', so I listen to him. He says his people are ridin' him to come up with some big idea--something that'll really get folks excited. So I look at the TV and say, 'Hey, war's always good. Invade somebody, but just do it kinda smart.' He gets this look in his eye, pays the tab and says, 'Thanks, human scum,' before headin' out. Lookin' back, that might not be the best advice I ever gave someone."

Greeves has been in hot water like this before. "Yeah, there was this high class lawyer lady, drinkin' by herself and cryin' over some egghead named Ray who dumped her. I said, 'Hey, show him you're somebody! You ain't gotta be pushed around. Make him notice you--maybe do somethin' big that'll grab his attention. Get him jealous or somethin'.' That didn't turn out too good neither.

"I think I oughtta stop givin' advice, you know? 'Cept when someone's buyin', 'cause it's just rude not to listen to the other guy's problems, you know what I mean? Speakin' of which, there's this guy from Gotham City, white face, big smile, hangin' out in the bar the other night..."

More news as it develops.

NEW YORK CITY - Covering the latest crisis to afflict the Big Apple (and, okay, the rest of the world too), Bugles Planet Daily has found that most New Yorkers have largely ignored the invasion by waves of new-fangled Super-Skrulls and Skrull shock troops.

"Hey, dis is New York, know what I'm sayin'?" said taxi driver Vito "the Big D" DeNardo. "I seen Galactus fifty yards off the hood of my cab--ya think some scaly green space-freaks are gonna faze me after that? Fugeddabouddit!"

Vito's cab was vaporized shortly afterward, but his sentiments live on among the disaffected and serenely undisturbed residents of the city.

"I think the Baxter Building ate itself," said nurse/elderly care specialist Susan Krychak. "There was a bright light--I didn't get too surprised, there's always something weird going on there, but it isn't every day you see a building eat itself. It was like in that movie Poltergeist. I got a picture of it on my cellphone camera."

"If it messes up the playoffs, I'm gonna be pissed," said grad student/bartender Huck Smith. "That's all I'm saying."

"People have a pretty high tolerance for the weird and horrifying around here," said Urban Crisis Management Division Chief Hudson Smedly. "They figure they made it through Galactus, the time when the whole city was boosted into space by Dr. Doom, Atlantis attacking us two or three times, a bunch of big nasty mutant events, that superhero Civil War thing, then World War Hulk... heck, this invasion barely makes the top five. Let's see where we are in another week or two; that'll tell you if we ought to be worried or not. As for me, I'm thinkin' about catching up with my cousin in Scottsdale, Arizona."

More news as it develops.

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This Week

Dec 31, 2008

The Real Scott Pilgrim Found in DC Comic Bookstore

Sep 5, 2008

Did you think we were gone?

Jun 29, 2008

Michael Turner Achieves Immortality

Jun 8, 2008

Ask the Question!

Interview with Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk

Jun 2, 2008

A New God... Dead?

May 27, 2008

The High: Back in Action? The Low: Still Missing?

May 15, 2008

New Jersey Barfly Responsible for Skrull Invasion

May 12, 2008

New Yorkers Largely Ignore Skrull Invasion

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