The Bickerstaff Blog

I'm pretty sure no one reads this little blog anymore, and that's ok. Like friends who come into our lives at certain times because we need them, I believe that is what this blog has been for me. I needed this community and this blog. In some ways, I still do, but in others, my life has drastically changed and I don't need this particular outlet anymore. I love writing and I hope to see that passion play out in my life.

But in the meantime, I guess I'm done here for now.

And I'll leave with this...

I'm pregnant. Unexpectedly. Surprisingly. With baby 3.

We were done and didn't make it official, so now we will welcome baby #3 in March. I'm hoping for another boy, but we will see.

When you decide to go home from vacation and sell all the baby stuff, good ol' Murphy steps in and bam, positive pregnancy test the next morning. And things are never easy with kids, but man, they've been pretty great with the two boys. Not without three-year old tantrums or brotherly fighting, but good. So baby 3 will rock our worlds I'm sure.

Thank you, little blog, for seeing me through this crazy ride. From loss to unexpected conception, I say we've come full circle.

XOXO,
JB

One of my very favorite lifestyle bloggers posted a "Day in the Life" post and I thought I'd follow suit, considering the last one I did was forever ago, when I thought my life was crazy with one kid. Oh my, how naive I was.

What's funny...this whole first part really hasn't changed lol.

I start the day around 4:45 am (ok, 4:39 now to be exact). I roll groaningly jump out of bed with the first sound of my alarm.  Sparks continues to be amazed--even after 6 (ok, now 9) years of marriage--that I have never "snoozed" in my life.  I mentioned the other day that I don't even know how to snooze on the iPhone (yup, still true).  Shower, wash hair (well, every other day) and I mention washing hair because washing, prepping, and drying crazy curly hair (c-c-c-curly!) is a task in and of itself (yup, and I no longer dry this crazy hair. thanks, kid #2).  5:15, coffee pot beeps, big cup of coffee, get ready.  In kitchen by 5:55 (scratch that, in kitchen by 5:40). Put away clean dishes, do a load of laundry and/or unload dishwasher, shove a bowl of oatmeal down my throat (still eat oatmeal, just do it in the car now), feed dog, give dog medicine.

One of my college roommates texted this morning to say that she was 9 weeks pregnant, went in for spotting, and the baby had no heartbeat.  This is her second miscarriage since October.

Secondary infertility is heartbreaking, and I'm devastated for my friend, her husband, and her children.

Thoughts and prayers appreciated as we stand by her in solidarity, an unfortunate sisterhood of loss.

We are STILL having sleep troubles with Daniel, as in he still won't go to sleep in his bed (or anywhere, for that matter) unless one of us is sleeping in his room with him.  We're going on two weeks of this now, and I realize that two weeks out of the 150 weeks of life he has lived is not much, but right now it feels like FOREVER.

I know this next part will sound spoiled and maybe selfish, and as a preface, I adore my children and wouldn't change my life as a mom of 2.  Hubs and I worked really hard to sleep train the boys when they were little, and as such, they are both great sleepers.  Cam was harder, but he's a great 7-6ish sleeper now.  So, hubs and I got used to having our evenings to ourselves, 7:30 on.  And it was lovely. We talked, we cooked dinner, we watched TV--we relaxed. We both work full-time and rarely have any time to talk until the kids go to bed, and often hubs doesn't even walk in the door until 6:30 pm.  Here's the selfish part: I MISS THAT TIME.  I miss having a couple of kid-free hours to myself at night to unwind and just relax.

I literally have a child clinging to me from 4pm-9pm right now (Cam until he goes down, and then Daniel) and y'all, it's draining me.

I told hubs this. I told him that I wanted just 5 minutes to myself to to feel like a person again, and not just a mom. And he said, well maybe you shouldn't have been a mom if you wanted that.  (he was NOT being mean when he said this, trust me)

But that made me think...does a mom have to be a mom every second of the day? Does she have to completely sacrifice so much of herself that there's nothing left except drool-covered pants, sleep-deprived eyes, and a messy bun? So often moms are expected to do it all, and I think sometimes women feel that looking like they do it all is a mark of success.  Like, if you look like you didn't sleep last night you're obviously doing something right. Is that what makes a good mom? I will always do what is best for my children, but I also need time to be me and to be a wife.

So maybe I am (or was) spoiled because my kids sleep (slept) very well and go (went) down very easily.  Am I a bad mom because I don't want my kids clinging to me until I go to bed at night? Am I a bad mom because at 8 pm I want to curl up on the couch with a glass of wine and watch Modern Family? I don't think so. I'm a mom struggling to recharge herself enough to be able to give everything back to her children again the next day.

I desperately want and need Daniel to get out of this crazy pattern that he is in.  Right now, we are putting a bandage on it, and trying to figure it out, trying to be what he needs us to be. One of us goes to bed with him until he falls asleep and then comes downstairs.  Then, around 10, one of us goes back upstairs to sleep in the twin bed in Daniel's room. Again, this can't be a long-term thing, but we are just trying to make do and find some semblance of normalcy in this crazy phase Daniel is in.

As always, this community never fails to dissapoint. Thank you ALL for the advice yesterday.  We didn't let him cry last night. We haven't heard back from pedi yet.

Progress:

• He will stay in his room by himself with lights on and iPad without even complaining.
• He only woke up once last night and barely even cried.
• He will stay in room with lights off and iPad.
• He isn't making himself throw up.
• He will nap in his room by himself.

I know I don't visit here often, but ladies, I need some help! I'll keep it short, microblog style.

Daniel, almost 3, started having terrible nighttime anxiety after NYE. He's been an awesome sleeper since 10w old, and until now, we've been able to rub his back and he goes to sleep on his own, no issue.  Now, though....screaming, tantrums, made himself throw up...unless someone is literally in bed with him. So, we started trying to help him. We have successfully made it out of his bed but we still MUST be in his room or he has a tantrum.  One of us has to sleep in a twin bed at the end of his bed.

We have tried: flashlight, essential oils, special toy, life-sized minion (seriously, no joke), nightlight, white noise/music, everything. We tried leaving the door open but his screaming just woke the baby so that wouldn't work. He won't fall asleep with the light on. We've tried letting him fall asleep watching the iPad, no luck.

I think he's over the fear, but how do I know if he's just being defiant? When is it time for tough love? I love my kids, but hubs and I can't go to sleep with him at 7:30 at night just because he needs someone in there to fall asleep. He thinks he can just go downstairs with momma and daddy instead of going to sleep. He needs his sleep, too.  The screaming in the middle of the night has lessened, and honestly, he was waking once a night and calling for me before this all started, and i'm fine with that. I just go up, pull up his blankets, and he would go back to bed. For some reason, this has all changed now.

I'm really not sure what to do and I would welcome some advice. We are TIRED and in desperate need of at least one baby-free hour in the evenings :(

I'm sitting at work, currently icing my finger that may or may not be broken.  I probably shouldn't have done an hour of hardcore pilates with it hurting last night. Oops.

Daniel has been waking up screaming at the top of his lungs at least once a night.  He's almost 3. This is wake-up frequency circa 8 weeks old.  He also wet his pants last night, the first time he's ever done that and he's been potty trained since August.

Cam chugs along pretty smoothly, until he decides that 5 is a FABULOUS wake up time. With daycare trying to transition him to one nap...who knows how this night will look.

Hubs took a new position at work.  This means: late nights, early mornings, grumpy hubs.  But it also means job stability, so I'll take it.

I had 3 cups of coffee this morning. THREE. And I still feel like I need more. And least you think 3 cups is not much, my mug is the size of a small bowl, because really, who drinks coffee from a small mug?!

I gave Daniel Cameron's breakfast this morning just to keep him from having a temper tantrum. Sorry, Cam, you got the crappy pancakes.

I wish there were a diet that consisted of chocolate and wine, and that it would somehow help me train for the half marathon in January for which I have lost ALL motivation.

My baby turns ONE in 2 weeks. How is this possible?