Overdose

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I was doing so well
And I have no idea why
The crave to die
Just keeps arising
Everything is fine
More than fine actually
But inside me
There is something inherently wrong
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
I have plenty to die for
And even more to live for
So why am I feeling this despair
Pressing intensely down my chest
While I lay here in the dark
Staring at my ceiling
Waiting for the sound
Of my sternum to crack
Plenty to die for
Even more to live for
Why is this such a struggle
Im so disappointed
That I have yet to outgrown
When can this random burst of suffering
Just leave me alone
Why can’t I be okay
When there is nothing at all wrong
Plenty to die for
Even more to live for
That should be enough
Should be the mantra I breathe in
I breathe out
Plenty to die for
Even more to live for

©AyalaRain

“All for Us” Part 4: Freeze

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“I hope one of you come back to remind me of who I was, when I go disappear into that good night.”


I cocoon myself in my grief and disappointment
Shutting out everyone who comes by
To simply continue breathing
Is such a laborious task to abide
I’m unable to bring myself
To be reactive or responsive
To anyone or anything
I feel the licking flames of fire
And the chilling burns of ice
But the paralysis bounding my body
Is too strong to break by choice
Everyone else is sleeping soundly
They can’t hear or feel my pleas
They don’t understand how I’m stuck
Unable to liberate myself to be free
They think I’m just lazy
Just a theatre kid drama queen
They don’t understand how my mind
Can imprison my entire body
If I move something devastating can happen
Succumbing to the paralysis is the safest bet
They can’t see how I’m screaming and sobbing inside
They can’t see how I’m irreparably broken
They thought I was going to sleep
When I said good night
They didn’t realize how my torment
Arises with the night.


© AyalaRain




“All for Us” Part 2: Fight

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“And I’ll do 25 to life, if it makes me a king, a star in your eyes.”

I carve into my skin
Delicate stinging reminders
Of the reality I’m in
As the crimson droplets flow
The blurry coat over my eyes
Shred into oblivion
The smell of metallic
The rolling warm feeling
Along my arms
Grounds my very being
Into stillness
Embracing the void within the dark
Soaking in all the serenity
Of feeling something anything
When every other emotion
Completely evades me
I want to feel wanted
Adored every single moment
So not a second of breath is wasted
Squandered into subjugation
Confinement within my depression
I want you to see me
To know everything about me
The good and the ugly
And still accept my beauty
And all of my crazy
Because I will suffer
Either way it can go
Without you I’m nothing
With you at least I can find meaning
Somewhere along our road
I just want you to see me
And recognize what I do for you
And find me special
And what I do for you special too
You mean so much to me
I don’t hold any merit without you
So please accept me fully
Never be tempted to ever let me go
If you do I’ll drown deeper
A sound lower than you know
Where you can’t save me
And you’ll risk forever being alone
Don’t leave me alone
Don’t choose to be alone.

© AyalaRain

So Perfect

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The words gently fill the air around me
The fullness of his tone
The fullness inside of me
While his lips brush the delicate parts of my being
He feels so warm and delcious
And yet so refreshing and cool
Things only he can do to meet me
At the highest sensation a person can reach
The beauty of us is the shared spirituality in the moments
Shared, remembered, hoped for
I always want so much more
And yet
I’m so incredibly and unbelievably satisfied every single time
I want so much more
But if a new moment fails to arise again
I can cherish what has been
For many life times over and over again
What was once a dream turned into reality
Will become my eternal fantasy.

©AyalaRain

Coastal Winter Forest

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Leaves crunching underneath the soles of my boots
Bramble grazing and snagging at my dress
You hold my hand and lead me through your forest
A place where only you and I exist.

This is the place I learned the difference
Of the varying weights held within love and trust
Although one isnt reliant on the other
Without trust, love can never be enough.

I know there is no safety guaranteed
To entrust someone with all my love
But the risk I take extending myself to you
Is worthy of the grief and heartbreak that comes.

The day both you and I have faded and turned back into dust
There will be a moment we find each other again
This is worthy of the grief and heartbreak that now hums in my chest
Because one day in the sky above I will see you again.

©AyalaRain

April 10, 2023

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I think I resign
From my fight
Against the odds
Against myself
Against all that
I wish weren’t true
Of me
Of life
Of the true regard
Any and everyone holds for me
I tried with all my might
To reprocess my pain
So I can reprocess how I see myself
How I feel about myself
Reprocess the self imagery
Conditioned upon me at a young age
From the start
I loved so deeply
I loved with my entire self
I loved until I nearly bled dry
Both figuratively and literally
And still yet
It was never enough
It will never be enough
It is done now
The fire
The hope
The fight within me.

©AyalaRain

Hershey Chocolate Pie

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Crazy how something so simple and overlooked
Can be something transformative when consumed
So soothing and sweet to remind one about the good things
The good feelings the good sensations
That maybe life is worth still living
It’s a peculiar feeling to know you are loved
And feel like no one actually cares about your well being
Or feel and accept that you are cared about deeply
But not be convinced that there’s anyone out there who loves you truly
What a soothing and sweet feeling would it be
To know always without a shadow of the doubt
That you are loved deeply and fully
Simultaneously knowing you are deeply and fully cared for as well
I’m unsure if I’ve settled into worthiness to have that yet
I’m always so close and just a touch shy
From that pinnacle of knowing for sure
That if I go missing I’d actually be missed
That I’m wanted and desired and hoped for a lifetime
Maybe I’m just a seasonal person and fighting
Fighting my temporary nature
Maybe I wasn’t meant for what I hoped and dreamed for my entire life
Maybe I need to surrender soon and end the suffering
Maybe I need to stop being stubborn and accept everything as it is.
It’s difficult to believe that everything will actually be alright.

©AyalaRain

3 in the Morning Musings

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I hope one day
Those who I love with a fierceness
Can feel the depth and intensity
Of my regard
I hope there is understanding
Despite my messy nature
I hope they are sure about me
And that they see me as something good
Because I feel more often than not
That I am not
I hope they love me too
Unconditionally

©AyalaRain

O Face

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I know it’s beautiful because I’ve seen it
Because he made me see it
To debunk the ridicule and humiliation
Inflicted upon me by past lovers
He had me prove to me
By looking at myself
That in my utmost vunerable state of being
I’m something easy on the eyes
Something delectable to devour
Someone utterly and completely desirable.


©AyalaRain

Away Again

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I feel myself slipping away again
Like the slow dewy drip of a faucet
That goes unnoticed
Throughout the dead of night
While everyone is dreaming sweetly
I’m steadily disappearing
I don’t understand why
God gave me both the spirit of ambition
And the ailment of depression
I continue to clash against myself
And I feel the crave of pain to orient
To remind me that I’m real
Because just breathing isn’t intense enough
To convince me otherwise
Every now and then I feel loved enough
And it holds me close
Inside red and blue passion
With ferocity to remind me of beauty
The sweetness of existence and life
But…when the air is so still
And my room is so dark
With me as my only companion
And thumping of just my beating heart
The cold crawls against my soul
Reminding me at the moment I’m all alone
And there’s nothing and no one to stop
The grip of insanity that lingers about
Draining my vitality, power, my hope.

©AyalaRain