Dumb Daisy was so dumb… when she ran out of tomato juice, she made her Bloody Marys with [BLANK].

We will have one bartender to serve out nearly 130 guests plus some helpers to assist with taking orders and beer. While we were thinking smaller kegs and kegerators for the bar, I am rethinking that perhaps bottles would be better, keeping them in large galvanized buckets with ice. Not only that but I wouldn’t have to deal with four different cooling units.

What do you think? Kegs? Bottles? Or a combination?

Second question. What kinds of alcohol will I need to create a full bar for my guests and per your experience how much will people drink. I figured that the advice of an expert might come in handy ’cause I am lost at this point.

Thanks a ton.

Dear Groom: Per my experience, people will drink half as much again as you think they will. Trust me on that one.

And just to clarify: I’m not a wedding planner, etiquette expert or professional caterer. You’re getting a bartender’s opinion. (You also didn’t ask an environmentalist, which is why I’ll tell you to go with the beer in bottles.)

There’s no need to stock your bar like you’re a hotel or an airport. Scotch, rum, vodka, gin, ice, some mixers and a decent red and white isn’t too little, provided you have a few non-alcoholic choices and you’ve already taken care of the champagne for the toast. And, there’s actually nothing to stop you from serving just the champagne. A wedding reception is just a party, albeit often a big one, and the liquor logic is the same: you serve what you want, in your best effort to make your guests happy. That said, you know better than I if one of your guests is gonna be crushed that you’re fresh out of Rumplemintz.

Now there’s this one guy who really means a lot to me. He’s made it perfectly clear that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship, which is fine ’cause things like that just can’t be forced.

Nevertheless, do you think I could ask him to be my first?

–Slightly Desperate

Dear Slightly: These things can’t be forced indeed. And I hope you’re not expecting too much of your first time, cuz the notorious effects aren’t just psychological. Good sex takes practice. Practice, practice, practice!

Which is why you wanna start practicing. I get it. Speaking of practice, briefly allow me a pause to accept that there doesn’t seem to be any question out there that I haven’t answered already.

Sure, go ahead. He’s not your brother, is he?

Dear Fat-Ass: There is a well-worn path to better self-esteem for guys like you, but it takes time, and you gotta be willing to put in the hours.

Get old. You’ll be amazed how much better you’ll feel when you see how fat your friends are.

Dear Hung: Magnesium, Vitamin B1 or B6, oxygen… I’ve heard of a few remedies that may help a hangover, but the only cure I know was brought to this Earth by Satan himself: Hair of the Dog. After the first one I swear I can hear him laugh.

Dear Letdown: One double coming up. I think I’ll join you. I’ve been listening to “Pet Sounds” again.

–Wizard

Dear Wizard: Yes, if you choose your bartender wisely. Think of yourself as Congress and your bartender as one of the Big Three; no sensible person should invest in something clueless.

–Tingling digits

Dear Digits: I’m no MD, but clearly you will be dead within the hour, so I won’t worry about your diagnosis. The rest of you people, especially the alive ones,  heed this advice: Life is far too short. Drink up. Last call comes sooner than you think.

–BAM

Dear BAM: Allow me my personal prejudices. The only good use I’ve found for rum is Bananas Foster. But to be honest, I’ve yet to try the intriguing-sounding Dark & Stormy. I suggest you try it and get back to me.