| CARVIEW |
Its been only 3 months and i am happy to say not much has changed for me and the good news is I dont feel married.
]]>
The rains in Karachi havent helped,things delayed,shops closed,plus my sherwani which i finally got and that too after it being faulty,so much for Deepak Perwani.Other then the delay its turned out good so paisa wasool.
I was on my way to pick someone up from the airport when i got the call,a friend and someone i do business with was on the flight that crashed today in Islamabad.I wasnt the best of friends with him,but i liked him.He was a a very good person as far as i knew him and was perfect when it came to doing business with.
Even hours later right now i cant imagine that he isnt with us anymore,i cant help but wonder what he must have gone through those last few mins or secs,what would have been on his mind? His wife of two years? his mother? i dont know.I also know i will prob never know,but the brain keeps going back to it,the fact that a friend died today in a plane crash and his body hasnt been found yet and i went about my business for the day.Yes i was sad,i felt more emotions then i have ever yet here i am,Maybe its the cold blood in me,or maybe that i just wasnt that close to him,i dont know but i feel guilty.
I feel guilty that i am looking forward to my wedding,that if i have to make the choice of attending his funeral or being at my wedding,ill be at my wedding.I feel guilty because one of the thoughts that came to my mind after the initial shock was what about my investments that i had with him.I dont know what to think,but i am going through a lot of emotions and mixed feelings as everyone in my house is happy and celebrates,i sit here typing this having an empty feeling inside of me.
]]>A friend asked me today there is only so many days to go arent you scared? The honest answer is i dont know,not scared but yes at times i am like oh fuck! I dont think it will ever get to being scared or anything close to it but i am sure the mood will be up and down over the next week or two and more times where i think of fuck!
Also having to play nice and behave with everyone is a really hard thing to do,i cant wait for the wedding to be over,many reasons for that and one is that ill be allowed to be the old me again (and the people get a reason to blame the girl,she must have told him,he was never like this before!!)
Alta tamed (or getting there)
]]>Another thing that i should not say when asked the question but i am tempted to and will decide that very second given how i am feeling and the mood is,the answer being nahi to when the Maulvi asks me Qbool hai? Chances are slim but i am crazy
15 days to go to the wedding,its all been happening quickly and the pace has picked up,I am also sure that the madness in the house will too over the next week and my get away plan from all this for a few days doesnt look like happening so i am stuck in the pagal khana with more inmates coming into the mental asylum in a week.
Lord help me!!
]]>The son she loved most isnt with her today when she needs him most,to know he is there and he loves her,to know all her kids are with her,everything that they are today is because of everything she did for them,they are great full and in debt to her,that they love her and whatever they do they will never be able to repay for her love and for all that she is done for them.
Just one wish tonight though,just one prayer,if i could just hear my moms laughter one last time.
]]>One person i saw in my dream last night,and she looked so good.I drive past her house almost every week and i wonder what she is doing these days,if she is happy,if she remembers me? I know she does,i hear at times that she had been asking about me and i always feel bad,because i too think of her at times,specially when i cross her house always tempted to stop and ring the bell but i cant.
I have never cared for many people in my life,even now the list is very small and i try not to show that side of myself to people,i have always been the rude,spoiled brat and i prefer people thinking of me like that.They dont expect much of me nor do they want to come close.
She was different she knew exactly what i was like,when others gave up on me she pushed me forward,always telling me to chase my dreams and that she knew i could do what i wanted.I always needed a push,i still do and i have plenty of insecurities and she had a finger on each making sure that they didnt get the better of me,she knew me better then anyone at that time.
She was for many years someone very important in my life and i always have felt bad that i just left and never went back or kept in touch,i tend to do that,call it moving on or not caring and being cold i dont know.Its just what i am like,its very easy for me to be without someone i love or care about,not talking to them or making the effort to,yet loving them and caring all the same.Its the Murad blood in me
I feel 10 years or more has been enough time and i should ring that bell next time i pass her house.
]]>
]]>