A piece of me

Posted: March 31, 2019 in Uncategorized
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It’s been awhile, the years just flow by so fast and it seems like only yesterday that I’m writing my thoughts about love, life, confusions, hurts and letting go. But guess what everything seems to move so fast, everything changes and yet a part of me hasn’t change at all, that part that will always love you.

Love you as a friend or love you as more than that but then it will always be a one sided love and that love cease to exist few years back. We have ended it before it can even take root and grow deeper. We both are at fault because we are both so scared to try and make it work. Perhaps there was something but nothing ever grows if one doesn’t nurtured it, take care of it and let it flow and bloom.

Ten years ago I have meet you for the first time, it was surreal I didn’t even believe it could happen that the dream I’ve been nurturing for two years would suddenly materialize before my eyes. You were everything that I have been dreaming of not perfect but I like you just the way you are.

I was having doubts in meeting you because I fear that you will not like me and vice versa but somehow we find a way to like each other back. Like is a safe word but my heart didn’t just like you it fall head over heels in love. But I am scared because we didn’t see eye to eye, I want a commitment and you can’t give it to me. I feel there’s something that’s holding you back yet you pursue me but I a run away.

I run because I cannot be with someone who can’t give all of him to me. Perhaps I demand too much or perhaps you still have unresolved issue of a past love that you can’t seem to let go. I run because for me loving you is painful everyday because I know I can never be enough, I can never be that lost loved you keep thinking about.

I know you love me in your own little way but not to the point of giving me what I wanted so yeah even if you pursue me for a time but when doubts and insecurities sets in nothing good really happen. It ended before it began and our memories only lasted for a year. When it seems like we are running round and round in circle and your pursuits was getting nowhere you give up and left me.

I accepted that it seems inevitable that somehow things would fall out eventually and to just move on and let go. But what I didn’t realize is that you’re so hard to take off my system. You’re like a drug, an addiction I that has no cured. You seep in my veins, go deeper straight to my heart and warm my days and nights of memories of you.

For years I’ve tried and move on and not think about you because I have meet new people but I guess no one ever compares to you, the heart always seeks for you, longs for you, wish for you till the time I can no longer do that anymore. Why? Because after all is said and done you finally found your way back to the love you’ve once lost and long for.

And I realize that after all these years of telling myself I have move on I still feel a little something for you, my heart still beats for you, it still aches but no I will no longer wish or hope because I know this is the end of everything, my love and feelings for you. This is the end of my decade love affair with you, a part of me is happy you found your ever after but a piece of me will always belongs to you, my love, the one who got a way, the one who stole my heart and the one I will always love.

March 31, 2019 @ 11:23PM

For you DM who change my perception about love and who’s the inspiration of some of my poems and blog post here. Thank you for the memories and for making me feel that rollercoaster of emotions. You though made me so happy that time. This is the start of something new.

Till there was you

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It’s been days I’m meaning to write something about you for reason that I just miss you so and I don’t know why. I mean I realize that I have let you go over a year ago because I respect your choice and she was your choice. I don’t wanna stand in the way of your happiness and besides I keep telling myself that you never mean something to me, you were just someone I passed time with and to divert my attention from the person who’ve been preoccupying my mind every waking day of my life. I told myself you were there when my life seems boring and I was there when you feel lonely and the gf is away. Everything was stolen moment, everything is not quite right yet we fill up the emptiness we both felt that time. You fill my empty days with your mere presence just a smile and a hi then I forget that I was lonely and longing for someone not you. I fill your empty days with my presence and keep you company till you fall asleep becoz your gf is busy at work. Everyday same routine, same habit till we got used to each other and the set up is quite ok no hassle, no expectation and I know at that time that I was not your priority I am just your option still you ask me that question time and time again to be your girlfriend and I said no. No because I don’t want to share you and No because I don’t want to be girlfriend number 2 if you want me to be yours then let it be me only. I am selfish like that I don’t want things to be complicated, I don’t want it to be a triangle I just want it to be just the two of us. Yet even if we don’t have a relationship with each other we continue doing what we are doing, video chatting, talking on the phone and getting to know each other bit by bit till we didn’t realize that days have turn to weeks and months to years. When you went home one time you said you wanna meet me if you can but then you fail though I’m a bit disappointed I understand because we’re not connected and I don’t have a hold on you and I don’t love you so why get hurt right.

When you came back to your place you talk to me again same old routine but I never get bored I was happy to spend time with you not realizing what I believe to be just a platonic relationship could mean something to me because by then I started missing you and looking to the time we’ll see each other online and talk. I’ve even asked myself how you find time to talk to me for hours and still talk to your girlfriend must be very good at managing your time. Don’t get me wrong I don’t wanna be the third wheel in your relationship hence the reason I didn’t want to be your gf. But saying goodbye to you and not talking to you for a longtime is a different story and I feel you felt that way too cause you always find a way to talk to me even at the wee hour of the morning. Then you said you’re going home again and hope we can meet this time around it would be your third time to come back home since we’ve known each other and twice you disappointed me so I don’t believe that we’ll ever meet this time around. I also have a strange feeling that this time around I could no longer hold on to you because somethings going to change and I was so right because just weeks after you arrived you ask her to be your wife and yeah I know you’ve made your choice and since I’m no longer even an option I must stay away for good our story would end here because I don’t want to be dangling around you anymore waiting for the time that we’ll see each other for real not just on webcam.

I did not cry because I tell myself I don’t love you I love someone else and I don’t cry for someone I don’t love maybe I’ll miss you cause we did have some memories together. I move on as I usually do telling myself I am fine that you’re married that I am happy because you’re happy and you deserved each other. I guess we’re not meant to be coz’ there was never an us to begin with. So for more than a year I stop thinking of finding someone, of dating someone, of falling in love cause I feel I’m contented with my life but not until I see you once again in a social site with your wife happy and smiling and I suddenly burst into tears more than a year too late. Because by then I realize that I was just deluding myself that you didn’t mean something to me that I love someone else not you and when you said one time I love you and I replied I love you too I was actually meaning it. I started to care but was to scared to hope, to believe that there could have been something because I know you’re committed to someone already and I don’t wanna intrude but I guess I was in denial and hypocrite with you and with my feelings. When you choose her I did not ask why her not me I did not fight for what I feel because I respect your decision and I always thought of myself maybe I’m just your option someone you pass time with. But the irony of it all was that I’ve known you first before you meet your wife, we were friends first before you even know her and you ask me to be your girlfriend and I said no because by that time you are in a complicated relationship and when it did not work you told me you were heartbroken but I did not listen to you. I did not believe you because I was angry at you for not seeing me when you come home the first time around and I keep my distance I was not there for you not realizing you really do need someone that time and thus the time you’ve meet your future wife. I could say I’ve regretted that time I’ve stayed away because things could have been different we could have workout differently and you wouldn’t have meet your wife but then again things didn’t happen that way and what we have will only remain in the pages of unrealized online dating. I do miss you honestly but I guess I can’t do that either so now I’m closing that chapter in my life thought I know I’ll go along with a little regret in my heart.

Aside  —  Posted: January 23, 2014 in Care, Choices, Complicated, Decisions, Goodbye, I love you, Journey
Tags: complicated, Lies, longdistance, Lost, Love, makebelief, Relationship

Rainy Day Blues

Posted: May 28, 2013 in Choices, Decisions, faith, Freedom, Goodbye, Uncategorized
Tags: days past, Goodbye, Letting Go, Love, Loving You, Memories, missing you, Moving On, Relationship
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Remembering you, remembering me, remembering us but then again there was no us, just you and me walking through life in different direction until our path cross and everything has changed. It was a crazy roller coaster ride. It was a year I will never forget because truth be told meeting you was the best thing that ever happen to me, but then one can’t help the sad moments in between. The confusion, the longing, the misunderstanding and unmet expectation were just but a few of those not so good feelings I’ve felt that made me do some crazy stuff with myself. Of course there were those regrets that comes too late but then I didn’t blame you for anything that time because it was a choice I’ve made and I was too scared to take that leap of faith with you.Oh yes I did not believe in you and me, I don’t have enough faith to see where it would have lead us, but still for everything that happen I could never ever regret meeting you and loving you is just something I have to do with this cold heart of mine. Yeah I’m a cold hearted kind person never allowing myself to love that deeply but sometimes even if we feel we’re not capable of loving, somebody will definitely come that will sweep us off our feet not literally of course but I know it will just happen sooner or later.

It was good memories but I know we’ve move on with our lives cause it’s been years that we haven’t seen each other and on my part I’ve no more illusion of wanting forever with you because I have long accepted that fact and I’m fine with it. But I guess there are some memories that will forever stay with you no matter how long time passed no matter where you are in your life. Many things have happen to me since we last saw each other I meet few men some of them were good, some were bad but in the end it didn’t workout and it leave me empty handed.

I guess I was burnout with everything that happen that I choose to stay away from it all it’s not denying one self but it’s liberating one self that somehow despite how needy you might become with someone to the point of desperation you can actually give yourself some space, give your self some time to heal from the wound and be free from the past. Healing takes sometime and coming to terms with your past also takes time so people can’t blame me if I rather choose my own company right now than be in a some kind of relationship which I’m not ready to go into.

They say life would be happier when shared with a loved one your world could suddenly turn to a colorful hue and who am I to argue that but I also say happiness is a choice and a state of mind it’s not actually a feeling it’s a decision you make for yourself whether you want to be happy with or without a man in your life.

Anyway this post is quite long and a bit emotional I guess the rain always did this to me I always remember times that past and I remember people that matter and I sort of kinda miss them.

Standing Still

Posted: March 26, 2013 in Crossroads
Tags: Dreaming, forgiving, Healing, heartache, Hope, loving, to love again
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Now i find myself standing still left with only myself to embrace. I sometimes ask myself what happen when did I become so jaded, so sad, so lonely, so alone and so disillusioned. For someone who continuously love the idea of having someone to always be there, to talk, to laugh, to share precious moment and to feel loved now I stayed away from it all. Maybe I feel that my heart can’t take it anymore can’t take the pain of losing someone over and over again and hoping that this time around something will change, something different from what I used to have but then I find myself living the same scenario despite everything that I try to do. So here I am in hiatus mode too tired to care, too shattered to pick up the broken pieces and too hurt to give a damned. Yes I love and love till I can love no more but I know somewhere somehow it is there the love I’m waiting for but for now I must hold myself alone because this heart of mine is crying out loud that it must rest for awhile till the pain will heal and it’s ready to love again. For now I must stand still and be brave to face whatever life brings and if one day love will come my way again I’ll open my arms wide and embrace it with all that I am.

Rhythm of my Heart

Posted: June 15, 2012 in Choices, Decisions, Goodbye, Journey
Tags: Goodbye, Loving You, Moving On, New beginnings, Relationship
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Love… so elusive yet so real… one longs for it, search for it, finds it, grasp it, embrace it, hold on to it but sometimes it goes away…. far far away from you and you wonder why. Left alone confuse, dazed, in limbo, searching for the empty remains of the could have been’s and what if’s. Yes there are moments in life when we strongly believe in happy ever after that we thought that the love we’ve found is there to stay but in reality love sometimes comes so swiftly that you thought it could just be an illusion, a dream, a fantasy conjure by a very hyperactive imagination.

Yet, love… once you’ve felt it there’s really no denying it. It’s as real as it can get no matter how short, no matter how fleeting because your heart won’t lie, it beats fast when it gets excited, like it has a life of its own especially when the feeling is so strong and you’re just so filled with ecstasy that you’re bursting and you want to shout to the world “I’m in love”. Ahhh yeah the joy of loving is really indescribable but when it’s gone be prepared to face up reality and the pain that goes with it.

No matter how much one wants to keep that love forever sometimes it just goes away and you cannot hold it in your hand nor can you go back in time and rekindle the fire that’s no longer there. Yes we all do experience falling in and out of love and in my part and most of the blogs entry here is dedicated to one person.

Of course there are also others who’ve come into my life before and after him but his impact in my life is one that I’ll always remember for the rest of my life. This is indeed my journey into love journal chronicling my confuse state and the quest to find that one true love you’ve been dreaming about as a child and if perhaps you still believe in fairy tales that knight in shinning armor the damsel in distress is waiting for.

But it’s been a long time I stop reading or believing in fairy tales and the happy ever after. And no I’m not cynic about love infact most of my friends tells me I’m so in love with the idea of love. Maybe I am or maybe I’m not who knows sometimes I confuse the two statement.

People say love comes when you least expect it and I was not really searching or looking for it that time but whallah one fateful day 5 years ago I meet someone that would forever change the way I view and react towards love. I am not a very emotional person nor do I show my feelings to anyone so at times people tend to see me as a cold person but what they didn’t know is that I’m just too passionate about a lot of things especially love but am just too damned scared to show my feelings to anyone.

Maybe I fear rejection or maybe I fear showing my weakness but everything change when I meet this person. He turn my life inside out and change me forever. We did have a long journey and our story is not the forever kind of thing because we didn’t find the link that could see us through to forever. I guess we are too similar in many ways and our pride gets in the way.

We are too afraid to show what we really feel, we keep hiding in this masquerade of make beliefs and lies pretending that we don’t value one another that much when deep inside we feel something more. I do not regret whatever that I’ve done or whatever shortcomings I have because I guess am not ready to take that leap of faith with you to believe in the ever after, to truly lose myself to someone and be really one in heart and soul.

I guess I still value my individuality and no I’m not the only one to blame cause you also have your shortcomings and faults but time has passed yet we’re still dancing the same rhythm and sometimes it gets tiresome, you wish for a new rhythm, a new dance to break the cycle.

And you pray hard to let go of that old song that you still keep on playing in your head and your feet can’t help but jive to the music. Oh how lovely the old song that’s been embedded into your heart, caressing your soul like no one can but then it gets broken and you could no longer play it so you must search for another one to play with and hopefully learn to dance again to the new rhythm.

You are my old song that keeps on playing in my head but like the changing season I must move on with time and learn a new song so that someday I can dance again to the rhythm of my heart and my soul will be finally free to love again and who knows this time around might be just different and I’ll have the best dance in my life.

Changing Time

Posted: December 31, 2011 in Complicated, Crossroads, Decisions, I love you, Letting Go, Moving On
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The year is almost ending and looking back I could say it has its up and down but majority of what happen this year is ruled out by my emotion. Romantically speaking I could not say that this aspect of my life is so great as I’ve not meet many new people but just the same old romantic flame/interest. But come to think of it what surprise me the most this year is talking to someone I haven’t get in touch with since 2007. It was a short term affair and so unexpected. It was a fun thing but nothing major worth hanging on to until we talk again. Although part of me still want to see him again but another part tells me to let bygones be bygones. So I decided not to meet this time around but what I do realize is that he was such a fun person and really knows how to handle me. The other guy which I know since 2009 was the worst case of them all besides playing around his gf back he always tend to break his promises. I keep telling myself to just ignore him completely so I can get him off my system too but I guess sometimes I feel there is this sort of connection that we both can’t let go. But I’m not so into him as I used to be. The last guy, the one who hold my heart for the longest time, the one whom I’m having a hard time letting go but I know sooner I can really do that with no regrets. Last year when he went back to his place I thought to myself that I’m going to miss his company, his visit to the office among other things. Although we don’t see eye to eye in many things but I just can’t help the feeling that he ignites within me. I’m always happy whenever he’s around and I feel complete. Because of the different way we see things hence our story is like a rollercoaster ride so when he decides to go home I thought it be easier to let go. But oh boy was I mistaken because despite the distance I still miss him and long for his company. I guess is you love someone letting them go takes time and though it’s hard to really accept the fact but sooner or later you do can move on. Little by little I find the courage to accept that maybe we’re not meant to be. Maybe we’re just two lonely people who meet each other one cold december evening 4 years ago. We find solace and comfort through the loneliest times in our lives. He was my strength when I’m feeling down, he was the source of my laughter when I feel so sad, he was the music that beats to the rhythm of my heart. He was so many things in my life and now he’s no longer there. I don’t blame him for giving up on me cause what we are to each other is also confusing we’re not lovers nor are we just friends cause the way we feel surpass mere friendship but we never get to cross the line and become lovers. Although we barely talk anymore but the last time we talk it felt strange sort of like we’re strangers again getting to know each other for the first. Losing him is hard but I accept the fact that it’s really time for us to move on and seek other people who can feel the gap that we fail to fill in each other shoes. Yes I do miss him once in awhile (common’ 4 years is such a long time to love someone) but I realize we can never be happy unless one let go and move on.

Angel in the Wind

Posted: November 19, 2011 in Decisions, I love you, Journey, Life, Love
Tags: Loving You, Memories, Moments, Separation
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I thought I’ll be the one to ease the pain she left behind.

I thought I could fill the love that’s been void since she left you.

I thought I can be the sunshine to warmth your cold days.

I thought I can be the rainbow that brings color to your gray days.

Then I realize I could never be all those things and replace what you’ve been missing all along.

I am me and you are you

If our life did crossed path and entertwined

Not because we are meant to have ever after

But all we could have is shared moments

Moments I treasure, Moments I love but I know

I am not meant to be your ever after

We could never have that

I am just an air who once passed your life

To breath some fresh air, to bring new memories

But leave when the time comes

And you are my angel

Who’ve once touch something special in my life

At the darkest moment and loneliest days

Youy presence comfort and cheer me up

But time has come when the air needs to leave your side

And you my angel needs to go to someone who needs you more

We can’t have our ever after cause all we can ever have are precious moments

11-19-11 5:17pm

Love not by sight but by heart

Posted: October 31, 2011 in Choices, Decisions, faith, I love you, Judgemental, Love, Loving You
Tags: Dream, Love, Loving You
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There comes a point in your life that you’ll realize the best thing to do is wait and trust that in the end what your heart’s desire will come to pass. I have not been in a writing mode for sometime but as I’ve realize there are still people who visited my blog and some stumbled upon it by accident and one way or another they stay and read some of my entry. Yes we are all guilty sometimes of yearning so much for love and affection for the opposite sex that some people forgot to cherish it as a gift not to be chased but must be welcome with open arms. And since we just can’t set back and wait for it we tend to move fast thinking when somebody good or even not so good comes along we’re off to never neverland and dreaming of a happy ever after and life as a bed of roses. But this illusion doesn’t last so long coz’ then reality sets in and we now try to find many faults with our partner. I wonder if we could ever accept a person for everything that he is flaws and all and not be too judgemental if suddenly the prince you think is too good for you turnout to be a frog. If we were given choices of course we’ll always choose the prince over the frog. However, when we love someone deeply we must be able to love first the frog before the prince only then can we love with our hearts not our sights. Indeed really loving someone is a very confusing emotion coz’ who knows it might just be a love for sight and not love by feelings. So many times we confused love with physical attraction and chemistry hence most people experience heartbreak and disillusionment. I myself is still struggling with separating these feelings of confusing love coz at times I tend to feel love with different people at the same time. I love him for this, I love him for that, OH how I wish he has this trait that the other one has then it would be perfect. See it’s hard even to love somebody with all your heart without comparing him to past love or other people one feels a bit of affection. Even at this point in my life when I’m past the stage of young love and I’m into adult love I still felt confused coz’ I did love somebody before more than the other men in my life yet there are things about him that I feel hypocritical yet my feelings run deep that I did many crazy things. I did not love him by sight but I love him with a deep feelings that reaches the very core of my being yet sometimes I fail to give all the love that I should have given knowing the depths of what I feel. I guess when all is said and done I’m just human also blinded by the quest of that elusive perfect love which come to think of it really doesn’t exist. (10-31-11 @ 11:30pm)

Coming full circle

Posted: September 30, 2011 in Choices, Crossroads, Decisions, Goodbye, Letting Go, Loving You, Moving On
Tags: Crossroad, Dreams, Letting Go, Love, Loving You
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It’s lunch time and I’m sitting here at a car shop in a place I’ve been longing to visit for a chance to get a taste of where he lives. But of course our story is long over, its been a year since we last see each other and I have no plans of calling him so we could meet up again. I think the past is better left where it belongs. I have said goodbye to him so many times here in my blog and our story is one rollercoaster ride sometimes it feel so good and at times I feel so sad knowing him so close but feeling him so far. Just like today when I’m here sitting, contemplating, knowing he’s just a phone call away (since the shop is located near where he lives) but call me whatever you want as I’m not gonna dial his number so I can see him today. I’ll just live it all to fate if by chance we ever see each other one day it will not be through my own initiative. He have gone in and out of my life since the first time we met I can live without him in my life now… I won’t denied the fact that I do care deeply and there was a point in my life when all I could think about, dream about, hope for and wish for is him. But I’m past that point and I’ve learn to accept things and be fine with it. I’ve made my peace with everything that happen and now coming here, having a chance to see his hometown is like coming full circle and perhaps this time around I can finally let go, move on and possibly meet the one who is really meant for me and no I’m not dreaming just hopeful that finally this person is just around the corner and I’ll soon meet him….

Season and tides of love

Posted: July 6, 2011 in Choices, Crossroads, Decisions, Dreaming, Journey, Life, Love
Tags: Loving You, Unexpected Surprise, Wind of Change
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There are moments in life which are so unexpected that you can’t help it you want to pinch yourself if its real. In my search for that elusive love that’s always been flying away from grasp now I find myself confuse with the emotion. Not so long ago I was wallowing in self pity because I realize the people I care about either have girlfriends, married or been living in a different state. I reason it out ah maybe they are just not meant for me but I guess life is funny sometimes and just when I thought I’m fine with the idea of them gone from my life it shifts once again. Now it caught me off guard coz I was so ready to pack up and start my journey again.

Before I was only confuse with two person the one living abroad and the other I see once in awhile. They’re both good person but the other one’s situation is kinda complicated and maybe it was not love that we felt but just some sort of attraction. I know he’s happy where he is now but I just wish he didn’t bother me couple weeks ago and not continue being his sweet lovable self so I will not like him more. But I’m really letting him go this time and I’m making my resolve strong.

The other guy well I’ve know him since 2007 and our relationship is like the tide in the sea sometimes it has its high sometimes it has its low. I’m really thankful to him in so many ways and I have felt strongly for him than the others. However, it still break my heart that we didn’t see eye to eye although I know he did felt something for me it’s just that he can’t give me what I’m looking for. He did went away last year leaving me behind and we never talk afterwards except for the few forwarded messages he sent from time to time. But just last month we talk again after a year of silence and last week he send me a very nice message that I can’t help but be flatter. Then I wonder maybe we have so many unspoken feelings that need to be expressed but can’t find ways to go about it. But the sad thing is that for so long I’ve been trying to live life not thinking about him and not make him a part of my life and indeed I did just that. Although I can’t really say that cutting ties and forgetting him totally would make me so much better but I’ve learn to live my life without him and this unexpected twist of the story is such a surprise and I don’t know what to do with it.

But the most unexpected surprise I’ve got is when an old flame I haven’t seen for almost 4 years came back so unexpectedly. I mean I just thought of him at that time as a passing fancy the kind of person you meet in your journey then go on your separate ways. I have no aspiration or illusion that what we have would last but I just enjoyed the moment. It was like hello and goodbye, hence, we never did get a chance to know each other that well. But we’ve been communicating for months now and he told me we should finish what we started couple years back. I don’t know if I agree with him or not because I’m at a stage in my life where I’m looking for the real thing and lasting one not just someone who will come for a season and move on next season. But still part of me is curious what has he become after all these years. Has life been good to him or has he aged since the last time I saw him. I mean he’s just a boy when I meet him but now he’s a full grown man. And the funny thing about it is that he really knows how to handle me and talk to me like no one can. I mean I have meet my fair share of sweet talking guys but he’s different and I guess you can’t hide the fact that we did have a past. It seems as the days go by and I’ve get to know him a little better I’m starting to like him just a little more. I don’t know it its bad or good as I’ve been missing him a lot lately and keep thinking about him.

For someone not so young I feel like a teenager so expectant of a new love, so eager to fall in love and so innocent of the pitfalls of love. But I’m not young anymore I’ve had my fair share of broken promises, shattered illusions, aching heart, unfulfilled expectations and a soul that feel so deeply of these unquench emotions. But my heart is still hopeful that somehow, somewhere there is this someone who’ll open his arms and accept this gift of love from my soul to his and give me wings to fly, so euphoric of a love that finally found a home in each others haven. For now I’ll ride with the tide hoping it carry me home to the one person that’s meant for me and that love will continue to grow as each season changes.

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