Oh, the protests out there are frightful
But the books are so delightful
And since we know what we need
Let ’em read, let ’em read, let ’em read.

Man, it doesn’t show signs of stopping
And I hate all that budget chopping
I can’t look at one more screed
Let ’em read, let ’em read, let ’em read.

The librarians will succeed
Sharing books for a world that’s diverse
If the kids only want to read
What could be possibly worse?

With earnestness quickly growing
And the stupid freely flowing
It’s thinking-folk’s help we need
Let ’em read, let ’em read, and read.

No concern for our I.Q.’s dropping
And their challenges are eye-popping
Librarians scream and plead
Let ’em read, let ’em read, and read.

When we finally open doors
How they love coming in from the storm
But if you really want what’s yours
Stand firm and refuse to conform!

All the banned books we’ll be displaying
Freedom to Read is what I’m saying
So, if you love a mind that’s freed
Let ’em read, let ’em read, let ’em read.
Let ’em read, let ’em read, let ’em read.
Let ’em read, let ’em read, let ’em read.

For previous Hectic Pace Christmas parodies, see:

My Pre-Covid Things (2021)
Sitting in the Reading Room All Day (2019)
It’s the Best Library Time of the Year (2018)
Maybe It’s Books We Need (2017)
No Not Google Search Box, Just You (2016)
I’m Dreaming of a Real Print Book (2012)
Away at the Ref Desk (2011)
My Server Got Run Over by a Cloud App (2010)
Jingle Books (2009)
Dewey the Decimal Maker (2008)
Twas the Night Before Migration (2007)
The Grump Who Stole Libraries (2006)

(sung to the tune of “My Favorite Things”)

Eating in restaurants and movies on big screens
People who don’t doubt the virtue of vaccines.
Inspiring leaders who don’t act like kings.
These were a few of my pre-Covid things.

Live music venues and in-person classes.
No masks or face shields or foggy eyeglasses.
Face to face meetings with no camera lens
Getting together with all of my friends!

Parties and weddings with dancing and buffets
Handshakes and hugging and conference hotel stays.
Hand sanitizer in normal amounts.
Majority wins and no need for recounts!

No more Zooming.
No more Webex.
No more lonely frowns.
I simply look forward to regular things
A time like before shut-downs.

Pedicures, haircuts and flying on airplanes
Busses and subways, rush hour and packed trains.
Sportsball with spectators filling the stands.
But can we all keep on washing our hands?

Teachers in class and kids packed on the school bus.
Synchronous learning and students on campus.
Libraries open and packed all day long.
Browsing and reading or singing a song!

Judgment-less looks at my coughing or sneezing
Maskless encounters that aren’t so displeasing.
Six feet apart is still okay with me.
Longing for days when we gather carefree.

I can’t hear you.
Is your mic on?
Can you share your screen?
Let’s try to remember the pre-Rona times.
Let’s all stop Co-vid….nine-teen

You’re still muted.
We can’t hear you.
I can’t see your slide.
Let’s try to imagine our pre-Covid things.
All people are safe…world-wide.

For previous Hectic Pace Christmas parodies, see:

Sitting in the Reading Room All Day (2019)
It’s the Best Library Time of the Year (2018)
Maybe It’s Books We Need (2017)
No Not Google Search Box, Just You (2016)
I’m Dreaming of a Real Print Book (2012)
Away at the Ref Desk (2011)
My Server Got Run Over by a Cloud App (2010)
Jingle Books (2009)
Dewey the Decimal Maker (2008)
Twas the Night Before Migration (2007)
The Grump Who Stole Libraries (2006)

People shhhhhh, are you listening?
In the stacks, laptops glistening
The reading light’s bright
The library’s right
For sitting in the reading room all day.

Gone away are the book stacks
Here to stay, the only town’s fax.
We share all our books
Without judgy looks.
Sitting in the reading room all day.

In the lobby we could build a book tree.
Readers Guide is green and they stack well.
I’ll say ‘Do we have ’em?’
You’ll say, ‘Yeah man.’
And you can Instagram
Our sweet Noel.

Censor jerks will conspire
And throw books on their fire.
We’ll buy them again
To spite haters when
We’re sitting in the reading room all day.

Downloads flow, wifi’s slowin’.
Kindle books are a-glowin’.
A beautiful sight
In print or by byte.
Sitting in the reading room all day.

For the story we will get a drag queen
and teach the world that everyone’s okay.
We’ll put up with protests til it’s routine
‘Cause children know that kindness is the way.

When we read, ain’t it thrilling?
Learning stuff is fulfilling.
We’ll spend every day, the library way.
Sitting in the reading room all day.
Sitting in the reading room all day.
Sitting in the reading room all day.

For previous Hectic Pace Christmas parodies, see:

It’s the Best Library Time of the Year (2018)
Maybe It’s Books We Need (2017)
No Not Google Search Box, Just You (2016)
I’m Dreaming of a Real Print Book (2012)
Away at the Ref Desk (2011)
My Server Got Run Over by a Cloud App (2010)
Jingle Books (2009)
Dewey the Decimal Maker (2008)
Twas the Night Before Migration (2007)
The Grump Who Stole Libraries (2006)

Press play to sing along with the instrumental track!

It’s the best library time of the year
With no more children yelling
And no one is telling you “get it in gear!”
It’s the best library time of the year

It’s the qui-quietest season at school
Only smile-filled greetings and no more dull meetings
Where bosses are cruel
It’s the qui-quietest season at school

There’ll be books for re-stocking
Vendor end-of-year-hawking
And overdue fine cash for beer
Send the word out to pre-schools
Drag queen visit sched-ules for
Story times in the new year

It’s the best library time of the year
There’ll be no mistletoeing
Or biblical knowing
When HR is near
It’s the best library time of the year

There’ll be patrons expiring
And old folks retiring
And overdue slips in the mail
There’ll be “nasty stuff” stories
Retold as the glories, A
things found in bookdrops tall tale.

It’s the best library time of the year
There’ll be no cataloging
Or toilet unclogging
The parking lot’s clear
It’s the best library time
Yes the best library time
Oh the best library time
Of the year

for previous Hectic Pace Christmas parodies, see:

Maybe It’s Books We Need (2017)
No Not Google Search Box, Just You (2016)
I’m Dreaming of a Real Print Book (2012)
Away at the Ref Desk (2011)
My Server Got Run Over by a Cloud App (2010)
Jingle Books (2009)
Dewey the Decimal Maker (2008)
Twas the Night Before Migration (2007)
The Grump Who Stole Libraries (2006)

(Listen to the track while you sing!)

I really must binge (But maybe it’s books we need)
You mustn’t infringe (It’s definitely books we need)
This season has been (Reading will make you grin)
So fun to watch (I’ll hold the remote, you hold my scotch)
My Netflix queue scrolls forever (Mystery, poems, whichever)
And Stranger Things won’t just watch itself (Grab a book from up on that shelf)
So really, I’d better scurry (Reading won’t make you hurry)
But maybe just half a show more (Come and browse the shelves I implore)

I’ll follow this link (Maybe put down the mouse)
What does BuzzFeed think? (Come out to the coffee house)
I wish I knew how (Your eyes are glazed over now)
To read offline (I’ll pour a big glass of red wine)
I ought to turn off the screen now (Choose something low or highbrow)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried (Look at all that books can provide)
I really won’t read (Oh maybe try it once)
Maybe it’s books we need

I must check my phone (But maybe it’s books you need)
Plug in my earphone (But maybe just try to read)
Your offer has been (So many books thick and thin)
So nice and warm (Look at this chapter’s cool word form)
The cable man will be suspicious (Book club food is so delicious)
My ISP will know that I’ve gone (Try some lovely poems by Anon)
Librarians are often viscous (Snobby but not malicious)
But maybe just a chapter or two (I’m certain that it will not kill you)

I’ll turn off the screens (See maybe, it’s books we need)
Say lend me a read (We finally have agreed)
This song’s not as bad (Dean Martin is for grand-dad)
As the creepy one (Consent to read is much more fun)
I’m bound to read more tomorrow (Think of my lifelong sorrow)
I’ll even use those fancy bookmarks (if you only read books by Sparks)
I really must read (It’s really about time)
Maybe it’s books
Maybe it’s books we need.

For previous Hectic Pace Christmas parodies, see:

Warning: I might make you uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable. But it comes from an earnest place.

I was recently lucky enough to participate with my OCLC Membership & Research Division colleagues in DeEtta Jones & Associates’ Cultural Competency Training. This day-long session has a firm spot in the top 5 of my professional development experiences. (Not coincidentally, one of the others in that top 5 was DeEtta’s management training I took part in when she was with the Association of Research Libraries). A week later, I’m still processing this incredible experience. And I’m very grateful to OCLC for sponsoring the workshop!

Cultural competence, equity, diversity, and inclusion are uncomfortable topics for me because I carry my straight, married, able-bodied, white, male privilege with me everywhere I go. And in library-land, despite a female majority, men still dominate leadership positions; despite our bully pulpits on inclusion and diversity, our profession has too few people of color; despite our progressive stances on sexual orientation and gender identity, we struggle with our support for those constituents in our public spaces and workplaces.

DeEtta taught me that I must unlearn so many of the things that we’ve been taught for decades—like denying cultural differences, or not talking about race. She taught me that if being marginalized at work doesn’t feel good, then I should imagine being a diverse workforce member on top of that feeling. And she taught me that culture, by its very nature, seeks to discriminate, so I need to be more aware of de-biasing systems, and purposefully embark on a journey that takes me from a place of tolerance and sensitivity to a place of true cross-cultural competence.

DeEtta taught me some very new things, too. For example, research has shown that multicultural teams perform more effectively when there’s a leader leveraging the team’s diversity. And that the leader does not have to be from a diverse demographic. That is, stepping back from opportunities to lead or manage diverse teams doesn’t necessarily make them more effective. Put even better, stepping up as a culturaly competent leader will make diverse teams more effective.

But most importantly, I learned one of the first steps in being an ally when carrying around all that privilege. First, believe. I must believe the stories that people tell. And I must be mindful of the marginalized position from which they sometimes come. Vital to being an ally, I can believe you when you tell a story even when it isn’t grounded in my own experience. As a good ally, I should believe your story especially under such circumstances.

My cultural mosaic might not look very diverse, but I can gain and develop the skills necessary to be a better ally—mindfulness, integrity, humility, hardiness, and listening with cultural intelligence. I can turn off my liberal cruise control and activate the lenses through which I consciously and unconsciously view diversity issues and acknowledge the layers (both obvious and not so obvious) that make me who I am. And I can express these values at every turn. That is the only way to change culture.

Finally, I learned that “doing diversity” means that we all do it. And we do it all the time. One of the most important parts about being an ally means not only doing so when everyone is watching. It’s something I must do all the time. As I move forward in this process of gaining cultural competence and practicing equity, diversity, and inclusion, I will need a lot of help, especially from those further along in this journey than I am. I promise to be more discerning of the parts of my life in which I have privilege. I will even tap into them to become a better ally. But most importantly, I will start with believing.

Not long after the effort to stop fake news in its tracks, a group of librarians began to consider the long-term implications of eradicating an entire body of content from history. Thus began a concerted effort to preserve all the fake news that a vigilant group of librarians could gather up. Building on other open source applications to store and preserve data, software and uploading code for a DisInformation Repository is well underway. Mendacity 1.0 should be available on Github later this month. My attempts to download and use the beta version only redirected me to the Bing search engine homepage.

It’s also rumored that an ALA Round Table might also be in the works. Proponents of the FNRT want to make sure that the effort not only focuses on completely eliminating the dissemination of Fake News but also on preserving the content that slips through the cracks.

“Freedom to read means protecting even the most obvious fallacies,” said Martin Garnar, President of the Freedom to Read Foundation. “In a post-truth society,” continued Garnar, librarians have to stay vigilant in preserving the anti-intellectual content that got us to this point.”

“It’s got to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of,” said Yonkers librarian, Christian Zabriskie. “Librarians have done some pretty awesome and crazy things in the past, but this one has to take the cake. I could not take part in it.”

So while many front-line librarians will continue the fight against the proliferation of internet falsehoods, now there’s a new library collections front to consider. It will be interesting to watch the untruth unfold.

Most of the books were ruined over the years by mold and silverfish and a dose of neglect. But I managed to save a few handfuls of eclectic titles. Their smell still transports me to the basement of my childhood home. Here’s a picture of one of my favorites.

President Coolidge and Senator Spencer of Missouri were talking together one evening. They passed the White House.

“I wonder who lives there?” joked the Senator.

“Nobody,” said the President. “They just come and go.”

from Calvin Coolidge: Wit and Wisdom, 1933.

I consider myself a history buff, but even I fall victim to cliché and popular notions, so I’m willing to admit that my first impression of President Coolidge is “Silent Cal.” Who among my contemporaries would have imagined that Calvin Coolidge would have been remembered for his wit? Silent and dour, his own contemporary,  Alice Roosevelt Longworth, said, “When he wished he were elsewhere, he pursed his lips, folded his arms, and said nothing. He looked then precisely as though he had been weaned on a pickle.”

It got me thinking about how I remember people and how I will remember people. It also made me curious about how people might remember me. I used to worry that I would be remembered as “The OPAC sucks” guy. Many of you will remember that meme which I will take credit for starting, but for the record, what I actually said at that 2005 ALA Midwinter LITA Top Tech Trends session was: “There’s so much talk about portals, metasearch, learning objects—the list goes on—that we have been distracted from the fact that the OPAC still sucks.” It was a throw-away line that I actually  wrote in the taxi on the way to the event. Others got mileage from my bluntness. And while there’s even a song still on YouTube to go with the meme, dare I say it’s not a story my mother tells about her son’s great achievements in library technology. “He’s well known for his potty mouth,” Andrew’s mother said proudly to her Bridge club.

I’d rather be remembered for helping to build things that didn’t suck. One of the first ERMs, “Next-gen” OPACs, the WorldShare platform, the OCLC Community Center. Or, more importantly, for building and leading the teams that actually built those things. God willing, I’ll be remembered for something that happens in the next 20 years because that’s how much longer I need to get out of this gig. If I’m as lucky as Cal, I’ll be remembered for wit and wisdom.

What do you want to be remembered for? Will someone remember you for something the world wasn’t expecting, like John Hiram McKee remembered Coolidge? I invite you to post here and tell the world how you want to be remembered. Or how you remember someone for something we wouldn’t expect.

Have you ever encountered a profession more earnest than librarianship? When I feel despair, I recall how lucky I am to be a member of the best profession around. We’ve all made jokes about the value of the degree, we’ve all suffered fools and the bewildered expressions of strangers who ask our line of work, but never once have I questioned my decision to become a librarian.

Now some of you might be saying, “Really? Even now? Even in the wake of controversial press releases, reduced numbers attending conferences, dismaying Executive Orders, protests, and conflict?” I say “Especially now.” Once again, my profession has not let me down. You got it wrong, Publisher’s Weekly. Where you see despair, I see thousands of professionals coming together to solve common problems. I see shared understanding, shared values, and a professional organization that strives to support its membership with a solid pragmatic, strategic, and financial platform.

Debating educational requirements for the next Executive Director, I see democracy at work. Thank you, ALA Council and  Steven Bell.

I see passion, civility, and earnest devotion to core values in a Town Hall. Thank you, American Libraries and the ALA Membership.

I see introspection and activism come alive among my IT brethren. Thank you, Ruth Kitchin Tillman.

I see false dichotomies challenged and the professional and the political trying to find a symbiotic relationship. Thank you, John Overholt.

I see unwavering support for the ALA Code of Ethics. Thank you Andromeda Yelton and Sara Houghton and Andy Woodworth.

I see our professional Bill of Rights defended with practical advice and actions surrounding patron privacy. Thank you, LITA.

I see the ALA stepping up, reminding us about our core values, and even preparing for a fight. Thank you ALA and Julie Todaro.(full disclosure: I am a member of the ALA Executive Board that helped release this statement).

And then I need only thank the thousands and thousands of librarians and library workers who have never diverted from their mission, their core values, and their day-in day-out devotion to serving library users. When I need certainty, librarianship is my rudder, librarians are my life preserver, library workers my oarsmen. And libraries are my port in the storm.

I don’t need a lot for freedom,
Peace, or love, democracy, and I
Don’t care about the Congress
or their failed bureaucracy
I just want a li-brar-y
Filled with places just for me
A librarian or two
No not Google search box, just you

I don’t want a lot of features
Search results are too grotesque
I don’t care about the systems
Back behind your reference desk
I don’t need to download e-books
On the de-vice of my choice
Noisy clubs won’t make me happy
In the stacks I will rejoice

I just want a li-brar-y
Until the ’20 Pri-mary
Don’t bid facts adieu
No not Google search box, just you

I won’t ask for more best sellers
placed upon your new bookcase,
I just wanna keep on reading
In the Commons coffee place

I won’t send requests for new books
To your boss at the big desk
I won’t book your meeting rooms
Or call your kids’ space Kafkaesque

‘Cause I just want you here tonight
Teaching me ‘bout copyright
No gum will I chew
Oh, teacher, all I want is wisdom from you

Makerspaces making
And new trends everywhere
And the sound of gamers’
Screaming fills the air

And everyone is reading
I see your staff there weeding
Dewey won’t you please sort
The books I really need
Won’t you please open the library
for me

I still need an education
This is all I’m asking for
I just want an end to fake news
racist trolls and endless war

I just want a li-brar-y
With comfy chair and cup of tea
A librarian or two
No not Google search box, just youuuuu

No not Google search box, just youuuuu

for previous Hectic Pace Christmas parodies, see: